Bittersweet_Love Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 This forum is so great for getting a bunch of opinions when you don't know where else to turn. Thank you in advance. My issue: For the last three months I have been talking to a guy from my hometown. My parents friend introduced us and we have communicated on the phone about once a week or so. He's very successful, Pakistani guy who has a lot of qualities that I liked in a potential mate. I also liked the fact that he was more liberal than most Pakistani men. He drinks on occassion and I told him that I do as well. Last week I went back home and we got a chance to meet. It was exciting for both of us. We met a total of three times over the week I was there and each time was pretty fun though our dates never lasted for more than two hours. I found it a little strange that between the times we met he would never call or text though. He seemed to be "fitting me into" his busy schedule but I felt like he could have made more of an effort. I felt like if he really liked me he would make more of a attempt to text me or see me more but I took it as a good sign when he kept making dates. On our last date, he invited me to a posh restaurant. When I arrived I was kinda miffed that he was there with several friends. He told me his friends would be "leaving soon" and I made the most of it by having fun. He ordered a glass of wine and I did as well. We had fun and he made the first physical move by putting his arm around me. His friends ended up staying and after a few hours we went to another place. I ordered a beer there and so did he. He was attentive and nice and made it obvious he liked me ...we hugged goodnight and that was that. That was 6 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. The next day the lady who initially set us up asked me how the date went. She asked if I had drank with him and I said yes...she said that was a HUGE mistake and that "never trust a Pakistani man who says he doesn't mind you drinking because they never want their potential wives to drink" I would hate to think that he has such a double standard. I wasn't even drunk and was on my best behavior the entire night. But, now I am left with regret that I even took a sip. I know this sounds crazy but cultural issues are something I seem to deal with a lot. I guess I am just sad. I shouldn't be and will get over this in time but I hate the constant wondering of "what did I do wrong here" Link to post Share on other sites
aisle_seat Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 It does seem odd that he made no obvious sign he didn't approve of you having a drink or two but yet now has a problem with it, if that's the case. You should not regret being yourself. I'm not Pakistani so I'm not familiar with the customs of your culture, but my generic advice is you should not have to change yourself to get someone to like you. If having a drink now and again is something you like to do, then any man who wants to be with you needs to accept that. If that really is the reason he's not called you, I say good riddance. Find someone who likes you for who you are. That's imperative if they are going to love you completely without conditions. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 First of all the lady that set you up was wrong to say you made a HUGE mistake. You were just being yourself and I dont care how successful this guy is or what his beliefs are, he should have manned up and told you himself instead of hearing it from his friend. We all have beliefs of what a potential mate should be like whether it cultural, religious, based on past experiences or whatever, but if you are in a relationship then these are things you discuss and determine if the relationship will continue despite these issues. Hey I don't like when you drink or hey I don't like when you pee on the toilet seat. It doesn't seem like much of a relationship if he just disappears and doesn't give you the chance to explain or change. Now if you got wasted and acted a fool and kissed one of his friends or something then sure he has every right to just disappear and even that would certainly deserve some parting words. Anyway I dont think you should continue a relationship with him even if you do hear from him again and it's a blessing if you don't. Everytime you are around him you are going to worry and wonder if you are doing something that offends his sensitive culture. Link to post Share on other sites
JadedAmore Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Sorry to say it, but I agree with the above two posters. Let it go and move onto someone who will like you for who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you guys for the advice. It makes me sad that we talked for so long and then he completely disappears on me. I would have at least expected a text to make sure I got home ok at least! If it really is because I had two drinks when we were out then I guess I cannot do anything about it. I certainly cannot take it back and I agree that if I like to do that on occasion and he had such a major problem with it then it wouldn't have gone far anyways. What really upsets me is the complete disappearing! I hate when guys do this. At least send me a text, say something like "I don't think it's going to work" blah blah....the no contact and complete disappearing act is just cowardly and unfair. I keep checking my phone, waiting to hear from him and I am even losing sleep replaying our last date in my head non-stop. I am honestly considering sending him a text just asking for the decency to let me know what going on but my pride won't allow it. Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I have never been a fan of long distance relationships. I agree with the others. cut your losses and find someone new. I can't imagine anyone is a big fan of an LDR. Your post demeans it however as being easy to end just because it is long distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Everyday I get a little bit stronger from this but, I would be lying if I said it still wasn't something I thought about everyday. Here is my question: Would I be doing myself a disservice to write him an email venting out some of the anger I have? I know NC is probably BEST in this situation and to just move on but, I still cannot shake how we talked for three months and then how he treated me when I visited and now completely disappearance. IT'S INFURIATING! I want to let him know how upset I am and how confused by his actions. I know it's probably NOT a good idea but could it possibly do some good at least to get some closure? I feel like he could have at least given me THAT..but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can act. UGH It would be a simple email saying... hey, I haven't heard from you since I got back to Oregon and I just wanted to express my disappointment in how you acted when I was there...(maybe a short explanation) and end it nicely with "I wish you the best" I don't know...maybe that's dumb....and I should just move on....thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
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HeavenOrHell Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 My thoughts exactly. I can't imagine anyone is a big fan of an LDR. Your post demeans it however as being easy to end just because it is long distance. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Everyday I get a little bit stronger from this but, I would be lying if I said it still wasn't something I thought about everyday. Here is my question: Would I be doing myself a disservice to write him an email venting out some of the anger I have? I know NC is probably BEST in this situation and to just move on but, I still cannot shake how we talked for three months and then how he treated me when I visited and now completely disappearance. IT'S INFURIATING! I want to let him know how upset I am and how confused by his actions. I know it's probably NOT a good idea but could it possibly do some good at least to get some closure? I feel like he could have at least given me THAT..but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can act. UGH It would be a simple email saying... hey, I haven't heard from you since I got back to Oregon and I just wanted to express my disappointment in how you acted when I was there...(maybe a short explanation) and end it nicely with "I wish you the best" I don't know...maybe that's dumb....and I should just move on....thoughts? I dont think its a bad thing at all, bittersweet! You are obviously hurt and angry and I think it would be good for you to type an email to get everything off your chest. I think you should write it but Im torn on whether you should send it. If he can blow you off like he did then your email may have little effect on him and there are people who even get off that the other person is all tore up over them. I can imagine how frustrated you are because I have had the woman I love blow me off for several days and it drove me nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Thank you so much Madjec for the response! Here is the email I drafted up to him but I have not sent it..everytime I go to send it---I think I shouldn't ! So torn Since I haven't heard from you since I came back from Minnesota I thought I would check and see how you are doing. Also I have a few things I wanted to say. Before I came to Minnesota I was very excited and anxious to see you. I really enjoyed getting to know you on the phone and I thought we had a lot of things in common. However, after the week I spent, I must say I was disappointed. I really thought you would make more of an effort to see me and get to know me and show more enthusiasm that I was there. I was disappointed that we didn't have more of a chance to talk or really make the most of the week. I am sure you had your reasons and perhaps I wasn't everything you thought I would be or maybe you are just not ready for a relationship. Whatever the reasons may be, it would have been nice to at least hear from you to get some closure on the matter instead of you just disappearing after our last meeting. Anyways, my purpose of this email is not to point any fingers but simply to get a little closure for myself since it has been something that was on my mind. Regardless, I think you are a good person but perhaps your priorities lie elsewhere. It was nice to get to know you and I wish you nothing but success in your career and in life as well Link to post Share on other sites
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