New here. Any Insight?.

[Chuck Bartowski]

My ex and and ended an 8 year relation ship in the first week of May. I am not going to go into a great deal of detail but suffice it to say We both contributed to the demise of the relationship. I didn't realize how much I loved her until after she had left. She started dating another man a week after we split up. She met him through an online dating site. I knew she was going to do this but due to my emotional distance I didn't stop her, which is what she really wanted me to do. She just wanted me to commit to getting married and starting a family. Needless to say she is still dating him and I have not had a moments rest from her in my head. We only spoke about once every 2 weeks since the break up. We last spoke 16 days ago and she told me she still loves me and seamed almost to be questioning him already.

 

When we as dumpees go into no contact we wonder is our ex thinks of us as much as we think of them or if at all. She has a distraction and I chose to heal and better myself. I just wonder what is going through her head (and heart).

[KathyM]

It sounds like she still has feelings for you and would still like to be with you, but if she wanted marriage and you didn't, then she's moving on with her life. Can't really blame her. If you are not ready for marriage, and she feels she can't wait any longer for you to commit, then it was inevitable that you split up. Maybe you should examine why you can't commit. It seems like a shame to let someone you love slip away because you are afraid to commit. That's a decision you may regret the rest of your life.

[OldOnTheInside]

I didn't realize how much I loved her until after she had left.

 

We only truly appreciate what we have, when we no longer have it. Seems to be quite common.

 

It sounds like she still has feelings for you and would still like to be with you, but if she wanted marriage and you didn't, then she's moving on with her life.

 

Agreed. Unless she has made some attempt to contact you, she's had enough. Maybe she still thinks of you, but like you said, she has a distraction now.

[Chuck Bartowski]

We only truly appreciate what we have, when we no longer have it. Seems to be quite common.

 

 

 

Agreed. Unless she has made some attempt to contact you, she's had enough. Maybe she still thinks of you, but like you said, she has a distraction now.

 

I guess my prayer is that the love we shared for 8 years will win out in her heart and that she will contact me. In our last conversation, which was a good one, I told her that I realized the mistakes I made and I was no longer afraid of getting married and starting a family. I am taking the steps necessary to make me a better man, the man she fell in love with.

[wilsonx]

My roommate is going through this right now... his ex wanted a ring to get married and have kids and he wasn't ready so she broke up with him.

 

Do you really miss her? probably. you are going through the withdrawal phase of the relationship. You did what you thought was best for you and you have to keep this in mind all the time. You weren't ready for marriage. You said it clearly in this post, you always come first and you should always remember that. If it kills a relationship then you can't be to blame for this because thats what you wanted

 

Don't second guess yourself

[Dasilva045]

You need to man up and go get her. She obviously still has feelings for you and wants you to commit to marrying her. That my friend means alot. Get on it

[Chuck Bartowski]

My roommate is going through this right now... his ex wanted a ring to get married and have kids and he wasn't ready so she broke up with him.

 

Do you really miss her? probably. you are going through the withdrawal phase of the relationship. You did what you thought was best for you and you have to keep this in mind all the time. You weren't ready for marriage. You said it clearly in this post, you always come first and you should always remember that. If it kills a relationship then you can't be to blame for this because thats what you wanted

 

Don't second guess yourself

 

I actually did want to get married and have kids. I was just to afraid due to a lot of financial issues. That is slowly changing for me now. There were other factors of coarse but the bottom line is I have realized my mistakes and have come to terms with myself. I have already started to reconcile with ME and I still have the hope that her "rebound" will end and that we can start a new relationship. Each day that goes by I let go a little more and I will be ok some day. It's just the in between that hurts.

[KathyM]

I actually did want to get married and have kids. I was just to afraid due to a lot of financial issues. That is slowly changing for me now. There were other factors of coarse but the bottom line is I have realized my mistakes and have come to terms with myself. I have already started to reconcile with ME and I still have the hope that her "rebound" will end and that we can start a new relationship. Each day that goes by I let go a little more and I will be ok some day. It's just the in between that hurts.

You shouldn't let finances get in the way of a relationship or marriage. My husband and I were both broke college students when we got married. He had a part time job, I had occasional temporary jobs while going to school full time. I think you should make a big play to get her back. Tell her you love her and you'll do whatever it takes to get her back. You've got nothing to lose at this point, if you really do love her and want her back.

[Chuck Bartowski]

You shouldn't let finances get in the way of a relationship or marriage. My husband and I were both broke college students when we got married. He had a part time job, I had occasional temporary jobs while going to school full time. I think you should make a big play to get her back. Tell her you love her and you'll do whatever it takes to get her back. You've got nothing to lose at this point, if you really do love her and want her back.

 

Thanks for that Kathy. On our last conversation I did express these things to her. She seemed responsive but very guarded. She also did mention a few concerns she already had about the guy she is currently dating. Although he is fun and treats her good, she was already (semi) concerned about his drinking after only five weeks. The ironic part of this is that was one of my concerns I had with her when were together. I don't drink, my mom was an alcoholic (sober for 7 years now). I have to just let this run it's coarse and not interfere with it's demise. I believe my ghost will keep appearing and make her rethink her decision I am now at day 17 of NC and I will just have to see if the complete loss of me stirs her heart.

[KathyM]

Thanks for that Kathy. On our last conversation I did express these things to her. She seemed responsive but very guarded. She also did mention a few concerns she already had about the guy she is currently dating. Although he is fun and treats her good, she was already (semi) concerned about his drinking after only five weeks. The ironic part of this is that was one of my concerns I had with her when were together. I don't drink, my mom was an alcoholic (sober for 7 years now). I have to just let this run it's coarse and not interfere with it's demise. I believe my ghost will keep appearing and make her rethink her decision I am now at day 17 of NC and I will just have to see if the complete loss of me stirs her heart.

I suspect that when she sees the other guy is not a keeper (because of his drinking), she'll give you a call. You've made it clear you want her back. I guess that's all you can do right now.

[Chuck Bartowski]

I suspect that when she sees the other guy is not a keeper (because of his drinking), she'll give you a call. You've made it clear you want her back. I guess that's all you can do right now.

 

That is exactly where I am at. Right now I am "Trying" to stay focused on healing, growing and becoming a better man but, for me, not her. If she does call she will see that I have continued improving myself. On our last conversation she did tell me she was very proud of me and felt inspired by me. She even stated that the way I had articulated myself in the final 2 letters I sent were a side of me she wished she had seen before we separated. For now I will just let these little thing simmer in her subconscious and see what happens. Thanks again.

[Kuite09]

I guess my prayer is that the love we shared for 8 years will win out in her heart and that she will contact me. In our last conversation, which was a good one, I told her that I realized the mistakes I made and I was no longer afraid of getting married and starting a family. I am taking the steps necessary to make me a better man, the man she fell in love with.

 

You sound just like me Chuck.

I was with my ex for 7 yrs and last convo we had was last week before that it was just a text or 2 but no contact for 3 whole weeks.

 

I told him the same thing that Ive realized the mistakes Ive made and that he means to me so so much.

 

We been thru a lot but our love made us some what by pass those issues but I guess to a point before it all blew up and he couldn't take it anymore.

When we spoke last it was a nice decent adult convo, he did tell me he missed me and still loves me weather I want to believe him or not.

He said he hasnt called cuz he thought I didn't want to speak to him but he did say we'll talk.

 

Now I just feel like crap becuz I want more, I want him to call me, text me etc.

 

I want to have that same hope as you, that our love of 7 yrs will bring us back together.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Kuite09, Just keep focusing on yourself and making yourself a better person for YOU!

 

Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my last contact with her and I get a little better each day. The nights are a little hard because we would talk on the phone every night for a couple hours (She lives over an hour away and it wasn't financially possible to drive up every night) In hind sight though I wish I would have planned my finances better to make more time for her. She got fed up with being alone 5 out of 7 nights a week.

 

If he really loves you he will make contact. You can't initiate contact with him. He needs to show you he wants to be with you. When He does contact you, remain aloof and give it some time before you return his call or text. Read everything you can here, it will give you clarity and strength. There are some really good posts by "Homebrew" that have helped me a lot. All the best to you.

 

Chuck

[Kuite09]

Kuite09, Just keep focusing on yourself and making yourself a better person for YOU!

 

Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my last contact with her and I get a little better each day. The nights are a little hard because we would talk on the phone every night for a couple hours (She lives over an hour away and it wasn't financially possible to drive up every night) In hind sight though I wish I would have planned my finances better to make more time for her. She got fed up with being alone 5 out of 7 nights a week.

 

If he really loves you he will make contact. You can't initiate contact with him. He needs to show you he wants to be with you. When He does contact you, remain aloof and give it some time before you return his call or text. Read everything you can here, it will give you clarity and strength. There are some really good posts by "Homebrew" that have helped me a lot. All the best to you.

 

Chuck

 

Chuck,

I know NC is the best way to go but the past 2 week I have done limited contact with a text here and there and yesterday I sent him a card by mail since it was 7yrs ago that we met and as soon as he got home and recieved it he did call to say thanks and we spoke for a bit. I don't regret showing or telling him how I feel but for now on I need to let him be and let him initiate contact and come to me instead of me going to him. I did a lot of messed up things during the relationship so I just wanted to assure him that I love him and he means a lot to me but I think i've showed enough with textes, messages and now the card.

So I guess its his turn now.....lets see what happens.

[CaliBabe]

I think she is just dating the new man to mask her emotions instead of dealing with them head on. Rebound relationships hardly ever work out. Stay strong, better yourself keep with NC. It will make you stronger.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Chuck,

I know NC is the best way to go but the past 2 week I have done limited contact with a text here and there and yesterday I sent him a card by mail since it was 7yrs ago that we met and as soon as he got home and recieved it he did call to say thanks and we spoke for a bit. I don't regret showing or telling him how I feel but for now on I need to let him be and let him initiate contact and come to me instead of me going to him. I did a lot of messed up things during the relationship so I just wanted to assure him that I love him and he means a lot to me but I think i've showed enough with textes, messages and now the card.

So I guess its his turn now.....lets see what happens.

 

Kuite09,

 

Since we love our exs so much, this will probably be the most difficult thing we have been through in our lives at this point. We need to stay strong as calibabe says. Time has a way of taking time. The only 2 solutions that can come from this are 1. We reconcile with our ex or 2. We move on and heal and grow from our experiences. Either way it is a win/win fro us. In all honesty, I am having a very difficult day today but I keep forcing myself to stay busy with the ares of my life I need to clean up. Figuratively and literally. If you ever need to chat send me a PM.

[Chuck Bartowski]

I think she is just dating the new man to mask her emotions instead of dealing with them head on. Rebound relationships hardly ever work out. Stay strong, better yourself keep with NC. It will make you stronger.

 

Hi CaliBabe, Thanks for the reply. It's the little remarks such as this that get me through each day. By the way I love your signature and yes, it won't be easy.

[richie21]

Hi, it sounds like you do still love her and you made a big mistake. There is a way though, don't give up. There are things you need to learn but, all is not lost. Try here: http://www.totaltruths.com

You'll get some very good advice.

Best of luck..

[Chuck Bartowski]

Hi, it sounds like you do still love her and you made a big mistake. There is a way though, don't give up. There are things you need to learn but, all is not lost. Try here: http://www.totaltruths.com

You'll get some very good advice.

Best of luck..

 

Richie21, If you haven't noticed there is probably more information and good advice on this forum than in any ebook out there. Thanks but no thanks

[richie21]

Great quote CaliBabe, is that your own??

[Chuck Bartowski]

So today is day 22 of NC and seem to be having a lot of anxiety attacks. I am missing her more than ever and I hate that ther is nothing I can do at this point but just keep moving forward alone.

[Kuite09]

Kuite09,

 

Since we love our exs so much, this will probably be the most difficult thing we have been through in our lives at this point. We need to stay strong as calibabe says. Time has a way of taking time. The only 2 solutions that can come from this are 1. We reconcile with our ex or 2. We move on and heal and grow from our experiences. Either way it is a win/win fro us. In all honesty, I am having a very difficult day today but I keep forcing myself to stay busy with the ares of my life I need to clean up. Figuratively and literally. If you ever need to chat send me a PM.

 

Hey Chuck,

Yea, u are right. We need to stay strong. After him calling me on Monday after getting the card I am now going 100% NC. I can't continue to put myself thru this pain and everyday think if hes going to call me.

We did speak on good terms and he did some positive things but not exactly what I wanted to hear.

We both care for our ex's very much but gotta love ourselves too.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Hey Chuck,

Yea, u are right. We need to stay strong. After him calling me on Monday after getting the card I am now going 100% NC. I can't continue to put myself thru this pain and everyday think if hes going to call me.

We did speak on good terms and he did some positive things but not exactly what I wanted to hear.

We both care for our ex's very much but gotta love ourselves too.

 

Kuite09

 

I was wondering how you were doing. Well, as you can see from my post earlier today, it has not been a good day. Pretty much lost it when my dads best friend called to see how I was doing. Sometimes I feel pretty pathetic but I really don't care at this point.

 

Like you said, we gotta love ourselves and we are worth that. Don't accept his breadcrumbs, He needs to realize what he lost. If he contacts you again, remember to remain calm and just "matter of fact" No details of how you are feeling or what's going on in your life. Take your time when responding.

 

I was the one that pushed my ex into breaking up. She held on to the end but when it was over I realized just how much I love her and want to be with her. I know she still loves me but the way I hurt her may have caused to much damage for her to come back. I never hit her nor did I cheat on her. Men who do these things are not men at all. They're cowards. I just grew emotionally distant due to a lot of stresses both outside and within the relationship.

[Kuite09]

Kuite09

 

I was wondering how you were doing. Well, as you can see from my post earlier today, it has not been a good day. Pretty much lost it when my dads best friend called to see how I was doing. Sometimes I feel pretty pathetic but I really don't care at this point.

 

Like you said, we gotta love ourselves and we are worth that. Don't accept his breadcrumbs, He needs to realize what he lost. If he contacts you again, remember to remain calm and just "matter of fact" No details of how you are feeling or what's going on in your life. Take your time when responding.

 

I was the one that pushed my ex into breaking up. She held on to the end but when it was over I realized just how much I love her and want to be with her. I know she still loves me but the way I hurt her may have caused to much damage for her to come back. I never hit her nor did I cheat on her. Men who do these things are not men at all. They're cowards. I just grew emotionally distant due to a lot of stresses both outside and within the relationship.

 

Chuck,

The only reason he's contacted me is because Ive made the attempts to contact him by text or by sending him the card I sent him on Monday.

Like my friends say if he really didnt care and was a jerk he wouldnt even call to say thank you but he did so just be glad he did but keep your guard up and just don't contact him anymore.

Let him do his part now if thats ever going to happen. Ugh, I guess thats the thing I am scared he never does and then thats 7 yrs down the freakign drain.

 

We are no kids anymore I am 28 and hes 35 soon to be 36.

Everything is just so tough on me and today I woke up feeling like crap.

Im scared he never calls me again or nothing.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Kuite09,

 

I know how you feel, I wake up every morning and she is the first thought in my mind. She and I are not kids either, she is 37 and I am 45. All I can do at this point is leave her alone and let God work on her. Keep your self busy and "try" not to think about the situation. It's hard but you can do it. Remember that you are not alone, we're going through this together.