He is lying to me! How do I confront him?

[Jane]

Okay, there's this great guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks. Things started out terrific. Unbelievable chemisty between us. Met his mother and brother who really liked me. It felt like I was really "at home" in his family, which is rare these days!

 

But I am sure he is hiding something from me. I stay at his mother's place with him every third or second night. This is where is told me he lived, but he doesn't have hardly any clothes or stuff in his room which is filled with stuff he had when he was a "boy" living at home. Every other day or he goes to work rehersing for his rock band at different clubs which are supposedly way out of town. Once I asked if I could come along with him and he told me it would be really boring because they were just putting together the technical stuff for a new composition. I insisted, but he resisted so I didn't push.

 

I called up a friend to ask what he knew about him, and this other guy friend of mine told me that he was almost positive this guy he was married or lived with someone! I just about had a heart-attack when I heard this. I did some "spy" research and called up one of his good friends under another pretext to ask where he lived, using the excuse that he had a tape I had leant him. It turned out that he does have another adress, obviously where he lives with this other woman!!

 

I was cried and was really furious when I found this out, but didn't have the guts to confront him when I last saw him because his "charms" ect. just blew me over and I was too weak to do anything. Why would he introduce me to his whole family if he has another woman or wife? How can I confront him on this without making him feel like he has to be on the defense? I don't want to sound "accusing" because obviously he is having other problems himself and I don't want to become another one of his "problems". I want to support him. This may sound crazy, but I understand how these dynamics work. He will probably clam up if I act like a possesive, self-righteous, nagging wife (which he doesn't want)and DEMAND the truth out of him. I want to do this in a co-operative, supportive manner, but HOW????

[Tony T]

Now wait a minute...Did I hear you say this guy has completely lied to you...his really nice family has lied to you...he is either married and has a girlfriend...he has another address where he actually lives...and you don't want to be another one of his problems and you want to support him in this??? Did you REALLY SAY THAT???

 

You obviously don't know about guys in bands. Well, let me tell you. At every gig and just about every night, they can pick up a different gal. If they are married or have a girlfriend, they usually lie to their mates and take the groupie off somewhere else where they usually just have a good time, if you know what I mean. The modus operandi is unique to every musician and not every musician is prone to cheating but the opportunity and temptation is always there.

 

No wait another minute...You want this guy to fess up to his deceit but you don't want to act like a possesive, self-righteous, nagging wife...you want to be super nice and sweet about letting him off the hook for lying to you, deceiving you, leading you on, cheating on his mate, etc. I mean it almost sounds like you just want him to fess up to having somebody else and then continue on with the relationship "in a cooperative, supportive manner." Wow, you are some special lady.

 

The next time you spend the night with him at his mamas, when you wake up let him know it's perfectly OK for him to take you to his other home. Let him know you are willing to be friends with his other lady, wife, girlfriend or whoever, and work out a deal where the two of you can share him. Then see what his response is.

 

Your new beau is a professional gigilo. He has got it down to a science and his dysfunctional family is fully cooperating. You have abolutely nothing to lose by confronting him and asking what the deal is here. He'll probably tell you he is in the process of a divorce or breaking up, etc. If you buy that, tell him to call you when it happens and you'll meet him at his other residence.

 

So his charms were so great you couldn't confront him. Your self-esteem must be zero to put up with a guy like this. I hope you can work on being strong and not taking this kind of stuff because if you don't, the world will chew you up and spit you out in little pieces.

 

This guy is taking you for a fool...he is taking you for the ride of your life...USING YOU...and you want to be nice to him. I have to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

[Jane (to Tony)]

Tony,

 

I totally agree with everything you say! He is taking me for the "ride of my life" here, but I just don't want to experience a horrible scene with him because I know myself too well. If I loose my control and get angry or upset I am afraid I could do something crazy. If this happens then I could suffer a major depression if the relationship ends as a result of my behavior. And believe me, I have scared away men in the past because I exhibited bigger-than-life "soap opera" behavior (screaming and crying really loud) which was too much for them to take.

 

I guess you're thinking here "This woman has even less self-esteem than I imagined!"

 

For me, it's not about self-esteem. When you have deep abandonment issues, self-esteem isn't the issue. It's more about not being the one who gets left or abandoned. I'd rather be the one dumping the guy for a change. And believe me, I am not a stupid, unattractive woman speaking here.

[J]

I don't understand why you care if you "scare him away". Who needs that sort of treatment anyway. Jane, you don't want to be left or abandoned - then ABANDON HIM, and walk away from this guy with some dignity left intact. If you play along with his cruel game, you are only letting yourself be hurt. Personally, I wouldn't give this guy the time of day, and I certainly wouldn't waste my time trying to reason, or to tell him how hurt you are. He is too much of a prick to care. Tell him he is a two timing loser and that you don't need him in your life.

 

Hold your head up high, walk away, and thank God that you've only be dating for 2 weeks, and not 2 years, before you found out the truth.

[Lucille]

I agree with Tony here.

 

If you don't want to make a scene, don't. Just walk away. Don't speak to him, don't take his calls.

 

If you don't want to be dumped, don't be. Dump him.

 

He's already lied to you, he will do it again. If he has another woman your relationship is going NOWHERE. There's some weird s**t going on and you don't want to be a part of it.

 

When you dream about meeting "the one", is this the way it was supposed to be?

[Tony T]

Your write: "If this happens then I could suffer a major depression if the relationship ends as a result of my behavior. And believe me, I have scared away men in the past because I exhibited bigger-than-life "soap opera" behavior (screaming and crying really loud) which was too much for them to take."

 

Hey, there is NO relationship now. There never was. This was a lie, a game, a FRAUD!!! This has NOTHING to do with abandonment. Nobody likes to be abandoned. This has more to do with you fooling yourself into thinking there is a whole lot more here than you thought. You have found out this guy has LIED TO YOU AND DECEIVED YOU in a major way. I am so very very sorry this has happened to you...it is usually not this bad but things like this happen in many variations.

 

IF YOU GET SO UPSET AT HIM THAT YOU DROP TEN NUCLEAR WARHEADS ON TOP OF HIM, IT IS OK (as long as nobody is seriously injured).

 

Frankly, I don't think you ought to give him the dignity of a good=bye or the jollies of letting him know how much he has affected you. JUST LEAVE THIS BUM!!!

 

If you don't learn anything from your visit to this forum, learn one thing. In love, as enjoyable and wonderful as it is, the weak get chopped up, chewed up and spit out on the highway for the Mack Trucks to run over. If you are not strong enough to deal with love, don't get involved with it. If you don't stand up for yourself, then hire a lawyer. But you have to become strong enough to deal with scumback, sleezebag subhuamns like this guy is.

 

You have got to learn to end relationships where you have been treated without honesty, respect, consideration, etc.

 

What do I have to say to get you to hear this????

 

Go get some counselling for this abandonment issue if it affects you so bad you would want to take a rattlesnake home and help it recuperate after it bit you and you pulled it's fangs out.

[Deejette]

You're caring so much about this guy's feelings and he is probably saying, "Next!"

Your write: "If this happens then I could suffer a major depression if the relationship ends as a result of my behavior. And believe me, I have scared away men in the past because I exhibited bigger-than-life "soap opera" behavior (screaming and crying really loud) which was too much for them to take." Hey, there is NO relationship now. There never was. This was a lie, a game, a FRAUD!!! This has NOTHING to do with abandonment. Nobody likes to be abandoned. This has more to do with you fooling yourself into thinking there is a whole lot more here than you thought. You have found out this guy has LIED TO YOU AND DECEIVED YOU in a major way. I am so very very sorry this has happened to you...it is usually not this bad but things like this happen in many variations.

 

IF YOU GET SO UPSET AT HIM THAT YOU DROP TEN NUCLEAR WARHEADS ON TOP OF HIM, IT IS OK (as long as nobody is seriously injured). Frankly, I don't think you ought to give him the dignity of a good=bye or the jollies of letting him know how much he has affected you. JUST LEAVE THIS BUM!!! If you don't learn anything from your visit to this forum, learn one thing. In love, as enjoyable and wonderful as it is, the weak get chopped up, chewed up and spit out on the highway for the Mack Trucks to run over. If you are not strong enough to deal with love, don't get involved with it. If you don't stand up for yourself, then hire a lawyer. But you have to become strong enough to deal with scumback, sleezebag subhuamns like this guy is. You have got to learn to end relationships where you have been treated without honesty, respect, consideration, etc. What do I have to say to get you to hear this???? Go get some counselling for this abandonment issue if it affects you so bad you would want to take a rattlesnake home and help it recuperate after it bit you and you pulled it's fangs out.

 

[Nina]

I just wanted to mention that psychologically speaking, abandonment issues ARE actually rooted in self-esteem. Abandonment makes the individual highly aware of their own short-comings, thus insecure in their worth and value in relationships. They feel that because they have been abandoned, or have perceived abandonment (often multiple times) that they must be:

 

1. hyper-aware of any future problems

 

2. not worthy of the affection from a giving person

 

3. un-trusting of any perceived stability and happiness

 

Just wanted to point that out.

 

As far as your situation, I really feel for you. I had a similar problem with an ex, except he was actually sleeping with my best friend while I was away for a while with my family.

 

The only thing you can do is simply tell him what you know, see his response, and if it confirms your hypothesis, tell him that it's been fun, but this isn't the kin dof relationship you're looking for.