Scared to Leave, Afraid to Stay

[BrighterDaze]

Hi. I need your support and advice. I have been in a 15 year, live-in, relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Well, we never got married. He said and says that he doesnt understand the point of such a commitment. Interestingly enough, he has asked me several times during our long term relationship. He even bought a ring. Unfortunately, after he pops the question, nothing usually happens.

 

Over the years, I have cried over this relationship. I have been unhappy about not being married and not have more children. (We have one son.) I went to him many times about this, but he never seemed to pay attention. He would hear me, but not listen. Over the years, this put a wedge between us. Our sex life took a real nose dive, but some how we stayed together.

 

He cheated on me years ago, but has since apologized and promised to never do so again. He saw just how much it crushed me. We went to counseling, but he still didnt seem to understand my needs and how his behavior plays a huge part in the success of the relationship.

 

Recently, I learned that he was getting close to a co-worker. They went to happy hour a few times and he spent time with her on a weekend. Of course, he lied when confronted, initiallly. Since then, he has been honest. He asked for an "open relationship", and has since recanted it. He said that our relationship was boring and he wanted to have fun. He thinks that he is going through Midlife Crisis (He is 54. I am 41.). Now, he regrets asking for the "open-relationship," and wants to work through ours. He talked with the co-worker about their inappropriateness and has since stopped. He says that he is willing to take the long road to regain my trust. He now seems to understand how important a commitment was/is to me. He takes the blame for not being there emotionally for me so many times. However, he is unwillingly to commitment more than a day at a time to this relationship. I asked him to work with me for six months and really try to repair the damage. He either can't or won't. He said that he just can't commit to that.

 

I love him with all of my heart. He is my bestfriend, father to my son, and my lover. I dont want to leave my home, but I dont think that this is the best place for me right now. I called a realtor to assess our home. This is to begin the stages of moving apart.

 

I am so hurt, but do you see any other solution? Counseling seemed like a waste of money for us. We know our problems. My fear is that I will be hurting again, if I stay, because he is unsure of himself. He says that he wants me and us, but it seems like the right thing to say right now. Please help me. I was not perfect in this either, but I only wanted to be with him.

[oldguy]

I'm so sorry for your pain. As for counselors; they/we are like any other professional with varying abilities. Very briefly; I started out as a substance abuse counselor which led to more "victims of abusers" to family & relationships & then sort of specializing in adolescents from abusive homes. So, I would probably see someone like you and your SO initially to get you evaluated & keep you interested, because if one of you looses interest I would have failed. But then if I found we where not a good match I may have recommended introducing you to someone I thought was a better match. Not every one does that so my suggestion would be to find someone who can help you. If you go to a barber/hairdresser that doesn't give you what you want you find one that can.

So if your SO & you are willing either ask to be referred or search for another relationship counselor. He/she may have you sign a release form to get previous records & will probably have a brief meeting with your last therapist.

I'm sorry it's come to this. Oh, I'm not trolling, I'm retired from privet practice . Good luck

Edited July 8, 2011 by oldguy

[princessmermaid]

Ouch, what a long time to bear so much pain. It's very sad that you've been burdened like this for many years.

 

What I read from your description of your SO is that he is not really sure of himself, or of what he needs, or of what will satisfy him. It sounds like he is in love with you, but that he needs to be in love with his life as well. Boredom and self-denial are not healthy ways of maintaining a primary relationship, and if you stay together, it is imperative that you find ways of having fun.

 

I also read that he's being honest with you in that he can't commit to six more months. (Perhaps neither can you, if you're calling in realtors.) That is a long time for a couple in despair. It is a REALLY long time for someone in despair who doesn't even know what will make him happy again. He can't commit to staying as he is, because he knows how-he-is is not enough.

 

His day-at-a-time approach does actually make more sense if things are as rough as you describe. The key is that something must be changing. Changing something or trying something new together may be the only way the two of you can find that last scrap of hope to keep clinging to the relationship and investing energy.

 

I disagree that counseling is a waste of money. I also disagree that you necessarily know your problems. The title of your thread indicates a lot of internal pain and indecision in you that likely has a psychological root; he sounds unsure of what he needs to stay and be satisfied, which also suggests he needs some guidance. These factors alone lead me to believe that neither of you has found the source of where your holdups are. I grant you that the wrong therapist is a big waste of money and of hope. But the right one can help you through amazing changes in a couple years. Besides: Psychologists are cheaper than attorneys.

 

Other than couples therapy, consider getting a book about sex and reading it together. Just an idea. "The Guide to Getting It On" by Paul Joannides is fabulous for instigating talks about sexy things without pushing anyone in any direction. Read five or ten pages TOGETHER every night, and see where your conversations and your fancies take you. It might be just the excitement you two need, and is likely to bring you two closer emotionally as well.

 

Best wishes.

[Woman In Blue]

I don't know, BrighterDaze...the man thinks you're good enough to clean his house, do his laundry, cook his meals, pay his bills, birth his child but NOT marry you. In fact, he wants to play around with coworkers and have an 'open' relationship because he's such a jerkoff. I would have left his worthless ass MANY years ago - and definitely not given him a child, that's for sure. I think you've done MORE than enough for someone who's way too old to be acting like such a selfish, immature jackass.

 

I have zero tolerance for idiots like this. Good luck to you.

[KathyM]

You've wasted 15 years of your life with this guy that is not willing to commit and wants to have an open relationship. Time to move out and find someone who wants what you want, and is someone you can trust.

[whereloveisnot]

No other solution. If you two were matched in what you wanted and you were happy floating day to day and not knowing how tomorrow turns out, then it could work.

 

You clearly want a time commitment to work on the relationship, which seems like a reasonable request that would give you enough comfort to invest the time and effort needed to work through your pain.

 

It is hard to walk away from so many years, but you do need to see your life without him, even if you wind up staying with him or getting back together. We all essentially live our lives alone. What we want is to have good company along on the ride.