MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 BF of 1 1/2 yrs broke up with me. Too much fighting and we took one another for granted. First we were awesome. head over heels in love. then he messed up by being kinda flirty with women. he confessed and i never actually forgave him i was super mean to him. made him feel he wasn't good enough and would never be good enough for me.he couldn't handle it anymore and left me. we spent about 2 months in a break up period where i wanted to show him how much he means to me and he wanted to see us both change. he wanted to be single. date me but also have option to date around. to basically prove to himself that i am the one for him. i couldn't say yes to dating me AND option of others. so i went NC he moved on. now it's been 2 months since the b/u and he's in love with his new g/f they are super compatible and he describes what they have as "awesome b/c it's so easy, it just works" he says he still loves me but now he has a life with her. he said he begged me to just date him again and start fresh but my going NC made him just move on completely. now i'm here totally in love and i lost him. they have no reason to break up. he came over last night to talk and he even told her he was coming over and she was okay with it and waited for him at his place (which she moved herself into). i don't know what to do. i begged him for one weekend together. to see the what would have been. he doesn't think he can get away for a weekend and he doesnt want to cheat on his g/f... he wants us to be friends i feel like should i just go NC again and if he realizes i'm worth it he can leave her OR do i say yes and be his friend and wait if he falls in love with me again? such a mess. i'm 30, he's 32, she's 23.
truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Keep in mind that he is still in the honeymoon/romantic love period with his new flame. I don't want to give you false hope, but 2 months is nothing compared to a year and a half. I think you should go non-chalant, wish him the best, bless it and let it go. This MAY trigger him to be re-attracted to you. I just think you shouldn't be initiating anything with him, and I think having him come over and discuss things may be setting you back. Good luck hon, as trite as it sounds, if its meant to be, he'll find a way back to you.
radiodarcy Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 it sounds to me like he is playing games. he's trying to make you feel guilty for not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too (i.e. remain with you while dating other women) and now that he's found someone he's supposedly compatible with, he's lording it over you. he's got you right where he wants you, with you begging him for another chance. while he supposedly does the "right" thing and says "oh no -- i can't, i have a girlfriend now". the right thing to do would have been to leave you alone and give you time to heal; rather than trying to get you to agree to hang around so he can explore other options while keeping you on the side. i would strongly suggest you not allow him to continue doing this another second and go back to NC. NC doesn't cause people to forget about their exes - - as truenigma said is he wants to be with you he'll find his way back to you.
0hpenelope Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 BF of 1 1/2 yrs broke up with me. Too much fighting and we took one another for granted. First we were awesome. head over heels in love. then he messed up by being kinda flirty with women. he confessed and i never actually forgave him i was super mean to him. made him feel he wasn't good enough and would never be good enough for me.he couldn't handle it anymore and left me. we spent about 2 months in a break up period where i wanted to show him how much he means to me and he wanted to see us both change. he wanted to be single. date me but also have option to date around. to basically prove to himself that i am the one for him. i couldn't say yes to dating me AND option of others. so i went NC he moved on. now it's been 2 months since the b/u and he's in love with his new g/f they are super compatible and he describes what they have as "awesome b/c it's so easy, it just works" he says he still loves me but now he has a life with her. he said he begged me to just date him again and start fresh but my going NC made him just move on completely. now i'm here totally in love and i lost him. they have no reason to break up. he came over last night to talk and he even told her he was coming over and she was okay with it and waited for him at his place (which she moved herself into). i don't know what to do. i begged him for one weekend together. to see the what would have been. he doesn't think he can get away for a weekend and he doesnt want to cheat on his g/f... he wants us to be friends i feel like should i just go NC again and if he realizes i'm worth it he can leave her OR do i say yes and be his friend and wait if he falls in love with me again? such a mess. i'm 30, he's 32, she's 23. NC was never intended as a "tool" for someone to come back to you, though. It's so you can clear your head and move on. Are you saying you're okay with being a person in the backburner as long as you can have him around? You know what you risk in being available to him, right? The "Friends Zone?" I suppose if you're okay with eventually becoming just platonic with him, then you shouldn't have gone NC. You should've stayed in touch, allowed you to be his Thursday or Friday of that week, while he pursues Monday girl, Tuesday girl, etc. Since you want to be in his life, scrap NC. Forget about it and start communicating with him. You can't be in someone's life if you're not communicating. The two of you aren't on the same page, OP. You want a serious relationship and right now, he's not that guy. Is that why you want to hang around? Because he's not that guy right now and if you're there, reminding him of your presence, he'll change his mind because you were the one who was there for him no matter what? Is it because you want to be there if he changes his mind about your relationship? What if he doesn't? What if he wants to keep dating other girls 3 years from now? Where will you be because you're waiting? Why? Why would you want to do that for yourself? Why do you consider putting your potential on hold just for him? What has he done to deserve such sacrifice? Why do you feel regret about turning down the position he wants for you in his life when it was the right decision to make? Don't sweat his new girlfriend. This is what he needs to do for himself. He's been thinking of himself all along. You should start, too.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Keep in mind that he is still in the honeymoon/romantic love period with his new flame. I don't want to give you false hope, but 2 months is nothing compared to a year and a half. I think you should go non-chalant, wish him the best, bless it and let it go. This MAY trigger him to be re-attracted to you. I just think you shouldn't be initiating anything with him, and I think having him come over and discuss things may be setting you back. Good luck hon, as trite as it sounds, if its meant to be, he'll find a way back to you. I'm scared cause although I feel like he's still in the honeymoon phase I don't see how they would ever break up cause as he describes it they have it set. they play vball together on 4 different leagues and they have their entire day scheduled together (like always something they need to go to like a game or tournament). i agree 2 months is nothing yet she practically lives with him already. spends the night ever single night. i seem to have a problem with the whole "if its meant to be..." cause i mean if i don't talk to him and i tell him you know what good luck and i wish you the best and stop talking to him or don't respond to his messages...he's gonna move on and thats it. he's gonna fall more in love and end up being with her for as long as it lasts.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 it sounds to me like he is playing games. he's trying to make you feel guilty for not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too (i.e. remain with you while dating other women) and now that he's found someone he's supposedly compatible with, he's lording it over you. he's got you right where he wants you, with you begging him for another chance. while he supposedly does the "right" thing and says "oh no -- i can't, i have a girlfriend now". the right thing to do would have been to leave you alone and give you time to heal; rather than trying to get you to agree to hang around so he can explore other options while keeping you on the side. i would strongly suggest you not allow him to continue doing this another second and go back to NC. NC doesn't cause people to forget about their exes - - as truenigma said is he wants to be with you he'll find his way back to you. I think he wants to be friends cause he really misses me (as a best friend) and he said he knows its selfish but that he wants me to be in his life as his friend. i'm scared that if i just leave his life...thats it. but i am also scared that if i'm his "friend" it will never grow into anything besides me havng to hear about his new g/f
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 NC was never intended as a "tool" for someone to come back to you, though. It's so you can clear your head and move on. Are you saying you're okay with being a person in the backburner as long as you can have him around? You know what you risk in being available to him, right? The "Friends Zone?" I suppose if you're okay with eventually becoming just platonic with him, then you shouldn't have gone NC. You should've stayed in touch, allowed you to be his Thursday or Friday of that week, while he pursues Monday girl, Tuesday girl, etc. Since you want to be in his life, scrap NC. Forget about it and start communicating with him. You can't be in someone's life if you're not communicating. The two of you aren't on the same page, OP. You want a serious relationship and right now, he's not that guy. Is that why you want to hang around? Because he's not that guy right now and if you're there, reminding him of your presence, he'll change his mind because you were the one who was there for him no matter what? Is it because you want to be there if he changes his mind about your relationship? What if he doesn't? What if he wants to keep dating other girls 3 years from now? Where will you be because you're waiting? Why? Why would you want to do that for yourself? Why do you consider putting your potential on hold just for him? What has he done to deserve such sacrifice? Why do you feel regret about turning down the position he wants for you in his life when it was the right decision to make? Don't sweat his new girlfriend. This is what he needs to do for himself. He's been thinking of himself all along. You should start, too. I'm scared that if i leave his life he's just going to fall more in love with her, they will end up actually moving in together and i'm history....year and a half from now they'll have had the same length relationship we did and that's it. i'm scared of that. i don't want to be on the back burner. and i dont want to be #2. i dont know why i seem like i'm okay with being #2..i see it as I'm fighting for us...but in reality i'm being a pathetic psycho, huh? I mean why does it feel like if i lose contact with him its all over forever and it feels like if i only stick around he will get the strength to leave her
Audrina Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I'm just going to say how I feel, while yes, he may be playing games, you may have also lost him. When someone starts dating other people there is always the risk that they'll fall in love with that person and regardless of how you feel about him, how he feels about the other woman may be real. My best advice would be to remain friends, there's no guarantee he'll come back to you, or that you can make him fall in love with you again, but if you do want to be there in case it doesn't work out with the other woman, that way you will be. I wouldn't come between them, you guys had your chance and it didn't work out. You took the steps that you thought were right, and now there are consequences, that's just the way it goes sometimes. I really don't think that you being around will cause him to leave her, unless he is playing games with you, and then I have to ask you - is that the kind of person you want to be with? Is that the type of relationship you really want?
truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I really think staying friends is signing on for a world of hurt. When you're ready, find another guy(s) to date...THAT'S when they seem to come back. You don't need a demotion..i.e. being friendzoned. I agree with the having your cake and eating it too thing as well..you are making it way easy on him emotionally. Also, in my experience spending every waking hour with your SO can backfire on people...I would say be friendly if he initiates, but friends...no way gurl......
lunita Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I've been trying to come back as just a lurker but totally had to chime in on this one. Your ex is totally playing games with you. Don't believe everything he says and above all, stop the contact with him. Wish him the best and say you are moving on just like he has and in order to do that, you guys cannot remain friends. If you want to leave it open, say you can't be friends, at least not for now but for heavens sake, do not talk to him anymore. What kind of good ex boyfriend would tell you about how great his new relationship is? He's doing it to mess with your head. Don't let him. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. As what the others say, he's in the same honeymoon stage he was with when he met you in the beginning. Look where that ended up. Do stuff for you! Go workout, join a class, go get pedicures, hang with your friends and family more. Whatever it takes to stay occupied and work on you. Let him go. If it was meant to be, he'll come back. Trust me. The universe has a plan and right now the universe is saying, this guy is sooooooo wrong for you!
Ultrasonic Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 No Contact IS a bad idea; and it's a very stupid and dangerous game. I wish people would stop advising other people to do it. I'm seeing more and more bitter and cynical remarks in this forum lately; like people who got dumped and couldn't get their lovers back are simply coming to "warn" or ruin other people's chances.... Firstly, OP. Stop playing games with both yourself, and your ex. What games? NC firstly. Second one is assuming you know his feeling or intentions, or anything else like that. Third one, stop caring about the other girl. "But he's..." DOESN'T MATTER. If you think of her as "competition" you only turn yourself into your own competition, so let it go! Also, never beg...ever; that only elicits guilt. Guilt, isn't love. Next, decide if you really, truly, 100% DO love him. Have you really thought about it? Or have you been in the spiral of self loathing and hurt that so many of us get caught in? It's hard to think straight when you're in there, I know. Your description of your relationship sounds like you two fell in love; and one of you hit the ground. That's what happens when you fall isn't it? You hit something. You don't want to "Fall in love" you want to create a loving bond. So, be ready for pain, patience, and the thought of hopelessness. Cause that's what you're in for if you really want to rekindle what was lost. ALSO everyone saying not to be a friend is DEAD WRONG. Most relationships start in the friendzone and escalate from there. You two will never truly be normal friends again, no matter how much anyone tells you that you are in the friendzone. He can joke with you about stuff that he probably can't joke around with his new girl about. You want him back? Love him. Show that you love him, and I don't mean pressure him, or demand things or constantly bombard him with "OMG I LOVE U SO MUCH I'LL DIE" I mean show him you love him. You care about his happiness right? About his well being? Show it. Control your emotional responses; because when you do spend time together, there are going to be times where you want to lash out. When suddenly in your mind you find yourself asking insane questions. "Is he saying this just to hurt me? Why would he do that? JERK!" Control it; save it. Go home later and vent alone, cry into a pillow. Write letters to yourself about the bad things swirling in your mind and save them in a box somewhere. (Don't let him read them). The worst thing you can do, is let the emotional responses take control; yes after he's done hanging out with you, or getting lunch; he'll go back with the other woman; cringe inside. There are many things that are going to be on your side, that you need to remember. You and he had a loving relationship once already; so you know he's attracted to you. Your history together, supersedes the amount of time he's currently spending with this woman. Now to touch on two very important points that some people have mentioned that actually are true! Limerence-bond is a real thing. What is it? The fabled "honeymoon" period. Where he feels a deep unexplained attraction to this other woman. You can't fight it, you can't beat it, and you can't break it. The HARDER you fight it, the LONGER it will take to wear off. Do NOT fight it. Do NOT insult this other woman around him, control your emotional responses. It may take a month, two months, a year. If it's really limerence, and not love. It is going to wear off. Patience. What if you try and are patient and.....end up with nothing? Unfortunately, no amount of advice in the world can guarantee you anything. He may stay with this new woman; they may form an actual loving relationship. It's possible. How do you know when to give up? In all honestly, if you're truly in love with him, you'll likely never give up; even if you move on and live a life with someone else. At that point you'll just have to be happy that someone is making him happy. It's a horrible feeling, but if you really love him; you'll accept it. There's tons more to touch on....but that would be thread jacking and I'm not yet ready to post a full blown thread on my thoughts. So just stay positive, and look forward to the lover you'll be getting back through honesty, patience, and real love.
0hpenelope Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 No Contact IS a bad idea; and it's a very stupid and dangerous game. I wish people would stop advising other people to do it. I'm seeing more and more bitter and cynical remarks in this forum lately; like people who got dumped and couldn't get their lovers back are simply coming to "warn" or ruin other people's chances.... Firstly, OP. Stop playing games with both yourself, and your ex. What games? NC firstly. Second one is assuming you know his feeling or intentions, or anything else like that. Third one, stop caring about the other girl. "But he's..." DOESN'T MATTER. If you think of her as "competition" you only turn yourself into your own competition, so let it go! Also, never beg...ever; that only elicits guilt. Guilt, isn't love. Next, decide if you really, truly, 100% DO love him. Have you really thought about it? Or have you been in the spiral of self loathing and hurt that so many of us get caught in? It's hard to think straight when you're in there, I know. Your description of your relationship sounds like you two fell in love; and one of you hit the ground. That's what happens when you fall isn't it? You hit something. You don't want to "Fall in love" you want to create a loving bond. So, be ready for pain, patience, and the thought of hopelessness. Cause that's what you're in for if you really want to rekindle what was lost. ALSO everyone saying not to be a friend is DEAD WRONG. Most relationships start in the friendzone and escalate from there. You two will never truly be normal friends again, no matter how much anyone tells you that you are in the friendzone. He can joke with you about stuff that he probably can't joke around with his new girl about. You want him back? Love him. Show that you love him, and I don't mean pressure him, or demand things or constantly bombard him with "OMG I LOVE U SO MUCH I'LL DIE" I mean show him you love him. You care about his happiness right? About his well being? Show it. Control your emotional responses; because when you do spend time together, there are going to be times where you want to lash out. When suddenly in your mind you find yourself asking insane questions. "Is he saying this just to hurt me? Why would he do that? JERK!" Control it; save it. Go home later and vent alone, cry into a pillow. Write letters to yourself about the bad things swirling in your mind and save them in a box somewhere. (Don't let him read them). The worst thing you can do, is let the emotional responses take control; yes after he's done hanging out with you, or getting lunch; he'll go back with the other woman; cringe inside. There are many things that are going to be on your side, that you need to remember. You and he had a loving relationship once already; so you know he's attracted to you. Your history together, supersedes the amount of time he's currently spending with this woman. Now to touch on two very important points that some people have mentioned that actually are true! Limerence-bond is a real thing. What is it? The fabled "honeymoon" period. Where he feels a deep unexplained attraction to this other woman. You can't fight it, you can't beat it, and you can't break it. The HARDER you fight it, the LONGER it will take to wear off. Do NOT fight it. Do NOT insult this other woman around him, control your emotional responses. It may take a month, two months, a year. If it's really limerence, and not love. It is going to wear off. Patience. What if you try and are patient and.....end up with nothing? Unfortunately, no amount of advice in the world can guarantee you anything. He may stay with this new woman; they may form an actual loving relationship. It's possible. How do you know when to give up? In all honestly, if you're truly in love with him, you'll likely never give up; even if you move on and live a life with someone else. At that point you'll just have to be happy that someone is making him happy. It's a horrible feeling, but if you really love him; you'll accept it. There's tons more to touch on....but that would be thread jacking and I'm not yet ready to post a full blown thread on my thoughts. So just stay positive, and look forward to the lover you'll be getting back through honesty, patience, and real love. I like this viewpoint, too. Good luck, OP! You're getting some really good advice from various LS posters.
carhill Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 TBH, the OP read like high school/college until I got to the ages at the bottom. Typical story, by LS standards. "he said he begged me to just date him again and start fresh but my going NC made him just move on completely" So I get this straight, he broke up with you because you were (generically) mean to him and he wanted to be single and date others to see if you were 'the one'. Now that he's with someone else, he's back in contact with you and 'doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend'. My, he's a good one. So, of all those things which caused your last stint with this man to end, what has been resolved? Obviously, if he's in contact with you, he hasn't exactly resolved the 'flirting with other women' part. What else? A reconciled relationship hinges on, assuming mutual love, resolution of past incompatibilities. I'm not hearing any talk of that. NC is for healing only. Nothing else. It's for centering one's psyche. Your old relationship is over (or it should be). Anything in the future, presuming you're both *available* and interested, will be completely new. The past is the past. NC is the demarcation period of time where the past ends and the future begins. 'If you're interested in exploring a new relationship with me, break up with your girlfriend and let's give it a shot. Up to you. I'm willing to try. Contact me again when you've broken up and are ready to work on us'.
bikinibeach Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Ultrasonic:.......................continue being his "friend" while he continues to date other women and go home and cry into your pillow when it makes you upset..?? ................seriously? this woman is not thinking straight right now. the value of this man is increased in her eyes because someone is threatening to take him away. so he just sits in the catbird seat with a smirk, eating his cake while little miss Plan B is at home crying into her pillow????? What a joke. Go get counselling. Let him know how you feel, if he doesn't want you, take some time for yourself, let him pursue the "friendship" and work on moving forward with your life. why would you want him and some other girl to have direct control over your happiness?
Ultrasonic Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Bikinibeach: How do you know what the guy is thinking? You don't. How do you know she's Plan B? You don't. What if she's Plan A, and he's currently with Plan B? What if there is no plan at all? What if it's just another person who's just as confused emotionally that found a different outlet? It's human nature to not know what you really have until you lose it. It's also human nature to romanticize a lost lover. HENCE me clearly saying she needs to clear her head and think about it. There is no separation of moving on with your life and trying to get him back. He's a part of her life; whether currently a good part of a bad part; he's still part of the life. So dealing with emotions and relationships with him, is part of moving forward. That's not say you should ignore all other things in life; one should never do that. Just understand, there is no simple separation. You say go to a counselor? That must be the punchline of your "What a joke" comment huh? What is counselling for? Venting. What is crying in your pillow for? Venting. Except, hey one is free and won't fill your head with their own beliefs and thoughts. Also what's this nonsense about direct control of happiness? You control your own happiness. Anyone with a brain should know that trying to get a lost lover back is going to be a rough road and there will be times of sadness, but it's YOUR choice to try and get them back. If you can't deal with that entails, then abandon your campaign. Never, do you lose control. Again, too many cynical and bitter comments on this forum, isn't it called LoveShack? I wonder where all the love went. DEMANDING that someone break off their current relationship to give you two "another chance" simply shows you're demanding and only think about yourself. That is not going to help you rekindle LOVE. Why are you going to say "Let's wait until we're in a relationship to work on our problems" when obviously you didn't work on the problems before and that's why you broke up? Why would you want to wait for them to break up with their current person, and then when that happens everyone who told you to wait for that will now say "He's only coming back to you cause he lost that other person, forget him and move on." Seriously? At the end of the day, getting back a lost love is a personal choice. A choice, which can take months, if not longer; and will almost certainly be an emotional roller coaster for anyone partaking the venture. But, it's still a personal CHOICE.
Exit Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Both sides of this issue have been thoroughly discussed so far in the thread, but one other comment stuck out to me personally. OP says the ex says his new relationship is "awesome because it's just so easy". One thing I've learned in my 3 months since getting dumped is that a good relationship does not always have to be easy. No, there would be no point in two completely incompatible people trying to hammer out a relationship for a lifetime, but this search for the "perfect person", this desire for an "easy" relationship, people need to outgrow this stuff. You don't love someone until you can disagree on something, get through a mature discussion about it, and continue your relationship. It reminds me of the saying "everyone will hurt you eventually, it's about finding the person who is worth suffering for". There is no perfect person. Love is about appreciating everything in your partner, even their faults and mistakes. If love was about the hunt for a perfect person, then a term like "commitment" would not exist. Commitment means being there through the good and the bad. If people want to treat their partners as if they're walking down the aisle at a toy store picking up things and dropping them on the floor until something holds their interest long enough, that's not mature, that's not commitment. I gave this example to my ex in one of our post-breakup discussions. Let's say in your relationship, you'd really like someone who can lift 200lbs for you. Now, who really loves you more, someone who can come along and do that easily, with zero effort, and will do it for you day after day? Or someone who may not be able to lift it, but who will get up every morning and try their best for you, or who will work to get themselves strong enough to be able to perform this task for you in the future. Which of those two partners really loves you more? You ask both of them to do the same thing. For person #1, it is an EASY task for them to complete, sure they'll do it for you, it's no trouble, they'll do it for you all day every day. For person #2, it is a STRUGGLE, it is a CHALLENGE, it is absolutely not easy for them, but they love you enough that they want to do it. Maybe there is no right answer, maybe it is a matter of opinion. I would feel more loved being with someone who may not be perfect, but who loves me enough to things that are not easy, who loves me enough to get through the hard times. Imagine you pick the "perfect person", the person who can easily handle the task you put in front of them. What happens the day when you no longer need them to lift 200lbs, but 300? Do you have any evidence that this person will say "wow that's tough but heck yes I'll give it a try", or will they say "wow, this is the first time you've asked me to do something that I am not comfortable with, this isn't easy anymore, and I want to be done". Whereas with person B, you know they were already up the challenge of doing something they may not be able to do with ease, and you can bet they'll say "wow this is even harder, but I'll give this a try too". Sorry if it's a corny or strange example, but it makes "perfect" sense to me.
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