Is emailing an ex considered flirting or emotional cheating??

[Robbie74]

I have been dating B for close to three years now. We have been living together for the past year and a half. She has been engaged before but never married. About 6 months ago she asked me to fix something on her computer, while I was working on it an email popped up from her ex who she was engaged to and he is now married with a child. It was hard to not open the email but I did.

 

Apparently they constantly email one another back and forth at least 4-5 times a day. Later that night we were cleaning out the garage and there was a few things of his still there, including an expensive bottle of Whiskey. I said hey lets drink this, she said "NO!!" that belongs to X I will have to give it back to him. Now mind you they have been seperated for over 6+ years! I said, "Do you even talk to him or know where he lives?" Her reply "Nope, haven't spoken to him in almost a year" That was a LIE!

 

Over the past 8 months I have been monitoring her email only to find messages back and forth with her saying to him "Some nights I miss you more than other", and "I will always be your woman no matter what, you're my soulmate". And now they want to see one another and are trying to meet up.

 

Most of the time when she sends these email messages is at night, she tells me "I'm tired, and going to call it a night". She then precedes to bed and sending the emails. I honestly do not know what to do, I am currently living with her and sold all my things to move from one state to another to be with her. If I show her the email messages or she finds out I have been reading them, it's over. But I am not the one doing this, she is...so I feel like I am in a catch 22. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...I have given her a chance to come clean and she lies....so what should I do?!?

 

Thank you!!!

[bluenightowl]

Hi Robbie,

 

Yikes! Its terribly disappointing when people lie to this extent. She clearly still has feelings for this fellow.

 

There seems to be no going around confronting her about this. Be prepared that she might even get mad at you for seeing those emails.

 

Regardless, I likely would not continue this relationship and not just because she has been lying, but more importantly because she has feelings for this other fellow. Even if she ends this discussion with him, might she do this again with someone else.. its hard to trust now.

 

To me, you sound like you you moved to be with her because she means a lot to you... probably leading towards marriage. Are you okay with your potential wife lying to your face, and have feeling for another guy? There are just too many wonderful women out there to put up with this.

[April72]

I tend to in every situation if someone loves someone to find away for them to work things out... BUT in this case I'm not sure you can. You need to confont her and go from there. This is no way to live. If you are in a relationship you deserve to have 100% of that persons emotional and romantic attention... it's not like you guys are casually dating. I wouldn't share my BF with anyone and for him to lie to me would send me over the moon. Good Luck.

[vsmini]

Yes - this most certainly is emotional cheating.

She called him her soulmate? So what are you? Second place? No thanks.

 

Admit what happened - tell her you got tempted from what you saw and peeked into it. She will turn everything around on you reading the emails and talk about how her privacy was violated (yes, it was) and in turn try to make you forget the main reason why you're upset with her.

 

You violated her trust.....but so did she. Not a match. I'm sorry - but what she is doing is wrong. Leave her. You're just her backup. It's clear from those emails who she wants to be with. What a b*tch

[Bryanp]

She clearly is still in love with him and she has no problem lying right to your face. It seems obvious that if she meets up with him they will have sex again. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? It is time to move on because you are clearly the back up guy. She is a real piece of work. She does not respect you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[KathyM]

I have been dating B for close to three years now. We have been living together for the past year and a half. She has been engaged before but never married. About 6 months ago she asked me to fix something on her computer, while I was working on it an email popped up from her ex who she was engaged to and he is now married with a child. It was hard to not open the email but I did.

 

Apparently they constantly email one another back and forth at least 4-5 times a day. Later that night we were cleaning out the garage and there was a few things of his still there, including an expensive bottle of Whiskey. I said hey lets drink this, she said "NO!!" that belongs to X I will have to give it back to him. Now mind you they have been seperated for over 6+ years! I said, "Do you even talk to him or know where he lives?" Her reply "Nope, haven't spoken to him in almost a year" That was a LIE!

 

Over the past 8 months I have been monitoring her email only to find messages back and forth with her saying to him "Some nights I miss you more than other", and "I will always be your woman no matter what, you're my soulmate". And now they want to see one another and are trying to meet up.

 

Most of the time when she sends these email messages is at night, she tells me "I'm tired, and going to call it a night". She then precedes to bed and sending the emails. I honestly do not know what to do, I am currently living with her and sold all my things to move from one state to another to be with her. If I show her the email messages or she finds out I have been reading them, it's over. But I am not the one doing this, she is...so I feel like I am in a catch 22. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...I have given her a chance to come clean and she lies....so what should I do?!?

 

Thank you!!!

She is in love with her X. That is who she wants. Not going to sugarcoat it for you, that is the bottom line. Time to move out. Sorry, but she is being emotionally unfaithful, and is also being a homewrecker to her X's family. That's not somebody you should be trying to build a life with.

[Robbie74]

Wow, all of you have really opened my eyes...I have been wanting to avoid it and hope that it goes away, or her feelings fade. But that does not seem to be the case, from the message history this "email relationship" has been going on for several years. I think the hardest part is going to be telling her I know and yes she will be angry and point it back at me for violation of her trust...but at the end of the day she was the one who lied to me.

 

I don't want to be anyone's number 2! I believe in my heart that I should be number 1. I think the hardest thing is starting all over from scratch. I sold all my things since she had a fully furnished house, so literally all I will be leaving with is the clothes on my back.

 

But whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right!?

 

Thanks again everyone, you have really helped me to make my decision!!

[bluenightowl]

Wow, all of you have really opened my eyes...I have been wanting to avoid it and hope that it goes away, or her feelings fade. But that does not seem to be the case, from the message history this "email relationship" has been going on for several years. I think the hardest part is going to be telling her I know and yes she will be angry and point it back at me for violation of her trust...but at the end of the day she was the one who lied to me.

 

I don't want to be anyone's number 2! I believe in my heart that I should be number 1. I think the hardest thing is starting all over from scratch. I sold all my things since she had a fully furnished house, so literally all I will be leaving with is the clothes on my back.

 

But whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right!?

 

Thanks again everyone, you have really helped me to make my decision!!

 

Sadly, I think some men (and women) have been left with less. I've been there too my friend. If there is one thing to learn is to believe in YOU. You seem like good guy, and you will find someone who wants to be with you. But thank goodness this happened before you got married.. I doubt you would have the clothes on your back.. probably no clothes and a 100k in payments and even more hurt/damaged.

 

But there are wonderful women out there.. I have no doubt you will find her.

[vsmini]

Wow, all of you have really opened my eyes...I have been wanting to avoid it and hope that it goes away, or her feelings fade. But that does not seem to be the case, from the message history this "email relationship" has been going on for several years. I think the hardest part is going to be telling her I know and yes she will be angry and point it back at me for violation of her trust...but at the end of the day she was the one who lied to me.

 

I don't want to be anyone's number 2! I believe in my heart that I should be number 1. I think the hardest thing is starting all over from scratch. I sold all my things since she had a fully furnished house, so literally all I will be leaving with is the clothes on my back.

 

But whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right!?

 

Thanks again everyone, you have really helped me to make my decision!!

 

Oddly enough - there is something very freeing about not having many things. You're a free man with no burden of a moving truck to drive around. You can travel....you can live wherever you want. Talk about a nice, fresh start. Good luck.

[bikinibeach]

this is truly horrible.

 

before you go blazing in there, get your ducks in a row, find out where you will stay etc.

 

this person doesn't deserve another chance although she will probably ask for it.

 

......would you ever be able to trust her? or marry someone who has no respect for the instiution of marriage (her ex's family)?

 

for shame.

 

you can do better, keep us updated!

[NoReallyThatHappened]

I would also like to add that you should print out the emails before you confront her. All of them.

 

I hate that you have found yourself in this situation. I was there in my marriage and as terrible as it was to end things and face the unknown I am so much better off. There is no reason to stay with a lying cheating woman when there are plenty who aren't that way. I feel bad for her ex BFs wife too.

[keepsmilin74]

Unfortunately I can't see a reconciliation here either, she feels too deeply for her *ideal* of her ex (who in reality is scum to be emotionally cheating on his wife and child! What a booby prize!)

 

I commend you for your resolve to get yourself out asap rather than yoyo for some time. Best of luck!

[Livin Lrge]

I'm feeling the pain your experiencing, I have been there in a similar situation.

I was with a woman for two and a half years.

in the Last six months I've been riding a rollercoaster of emotions.....

Do yourself a favor if she has been in contact with the ex for a long time get the Fxxk out. run for the hills...... see the thing is,,,if you stick around that is ,,,you will end up prolonging the break up when you should get the hell out now and start healing and avoid the rollercoast of trying to trust her again...... once the lies start its time to go.....

trust broken is the end of a relationship,,,, end of story.

man up and take the hurt and move on and recover.....

 

One Chance Only........

[Joe Normal]

She clearly is still in love with him and she has no problem lying right to your face. It seems obvious that if she meets up with him they will have sex again. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? It is time to move on because you are clearly the back up guy. She is a real piece of work. She does not respect you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Bryan is right. You have to end it, you will always be the loser chump playing second fiddle. Eventually you will become a cuckold, if you are not already. It's hard to accept, but that's the cold harsh reality.

 

What you should do is immediately start secret plans to break up with her and move back to your original place. Or, if you like where you live now, just look for a new place to live. Get everything reading - moving items, finding a new place, getting a new cellphone number and so on. Then, when you are ready, just move out. Leave a simple note explaining your reasons, and ordering her not to contact you in any way. Leave and don't look back, never talk to her again, don't email or anything, ignore her overtures.

 

Move on, and find a woman deserving of love and respect, not a cheating lying whore. You should also expose the emotional affair to the man's wife, she deserves to know the truth also.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Joe Normal

[bikinibeach]

You should also expose the emotional affair to the man's wife, she deserves to know the truth also.

 

agreed.....