Depressed, how to lift myself up more?

[sveltskye]

Apologies cause this is going to be long...

 

I am trying really hard to be positive but I've been struggling to look on the bright side for long because I've been dealing with the same issues over and over and it is really getting to me.

 

Issue # 1: Poor. Like, dirt poor. I know that amongst the rest of the country and my state, California, there are tons of poor people and everyone is struggling to some extent. But I have now eaten through most of my savings and have about 100 bucks,bad credit and a hand me down car with over 200,000 miles, no air conditioning, a broken cd player, and get only 300 dollars in financial aid because I signed up for 4 summer classes. Meanwhile I live in one of the richest counties in the country. I am in school working toward a marketable field, but have over a year to go still. My parents are helping me somewhat, but only as much as they can as they just bought a second house. It seems like everything I own is breaking and I have been trying to eat at home more, but its hard to do that cuz I drive to people all the time, which leads to my issue #2...

 

Issue # 2: Lonely. I have been in my current area for 9 months, but I still don't have consistent buddies in my area to hang out with, despite the fact that I have tried super hard to meet people. I have even posted ads on craigslist to find ppl with my interests and met some cool new people but its hard to get them to regularly hang out with me. This partly comes because of my job, which is an overnight position that I can't have overnight guests in (even someone crashing on the couch), takes an over market rate amount of rent from me, and because I work at night I have free time when most other people are working and lots of times too much of it. I work out every day to fill the time, but that isn't super social either and I really like working out alone because it helps me stay in the routine and be able to come and go as I please. But my next issue is still...

 

Issue #3: Weight. I have struggled with my weight for over 3 years. I actually signed up for a trainer when I moved to my current area and have lost about 15 pounds to date, but it is always a struggle and I have both medication and a hormone condition (but not thyroid, which can be helped with a pill), which adds to my weight situation. I am not obese, just about 20 to 25 lbs overweight. This is probably the best one so far, because I have been losing weight and looking more toned and that's making me feel good. But the cost is a bit hard and I've had to skip two training sessions the last couple weeks.

 

Issue #4: Relationships. I was broken up with about 2 months ago. It was a fairly short relationship, but I felt really happy in it. He gave me much more positive reinforcement than most guys I'd been with before, telling me I was awesome and beautiful and it seemed very stable, then he broke up with me suddenly and came back the next day before taking a week to "think it over" and finally breaking up for good because he felt it "wouldn't work out" though said he didn't really have a reason for feeling that way and didn't feel ready to date. This made sense somewhat, because he was going through a divorce and I wrote him a really nice goodbye letter and didn't contact him again for the next month and a half, but was still really feeling wistful about it until I saw that he had posted a personal ad on craigslist. So then I felt kind of betrayed, but decided that it was best to get back out there, so I resigned up for okcupid... and ran into an amazing batch of jerks. One verbally assaulted me, calling me a dumb, fat b*&%ch because I didn't look at his profile right away when we were IMing and suggested he add another photo (he had just one of him and one of a dog). Another told me my photo gave him a boner. Then when I told a supposed friend about both of those guys, he told me I seemed desperate- as if I was asking for it or deserved it or something.

 

All of this comes after a stretch of being single for 3 years and being dumped twice. I still am hopeful and have dreams of meeting someone to be with long term, but I am really worried and don't really know what to think after being broken up with so much and not seeing it coming because I thought it was stable.

 

I am not saying all of this because I think my life is horrible, or saying poor me cuz I want a bunch of sympathy. I really want to be happy with my life, and I try to look on the bright side of things, but its difficult when I've been struggling with my weight, money and dating for three years. And I have great friends and family, but it is hard to get as much comfort out of that when I have so much alone downtime and my friends and family are often far away and it costs so much money to drive to them (I've only had one friend visit me in my area, one time). I really want to believe the best in people and feel like I've been treating people well and vice versa, so it makes me more depressed when I run into random strangers who are flat out rude and abusive, or are disappointed by people I care/d about. I feel somehow isolated though I know my friends and family love me and am wary of being clingy right now.

 

So, I guess my questions are... how can you stay positive and keep your eye on the prize while you're struggling over the same things for a long time (even if they seem to be getting better/will get better)? How do you have faith that it will get better/you can trust in the potential logevity of a relationship? How do you not feel disillusioned when you keep running into the same roadblocks and being disappointed? I know I have good things coming but the end of school (and being broke) seems to far away and dating feels so hopeless at the moment. I know what I want; I have goals and am working toward them, and trying to do all the things that ppl say you should... working out, eating right, seeing friends, and educating myself. I'm planning on fixing my credit as soon as I have money for a secured CC. But I am finding myself jealous of basic things that I see those around me have and I don't like feeling that way. How can I lean on friends without becoming a burden and stressing them out/bringing them down? How can I count my blessings when I keep thinking of all that I lack?

Edited July 8, 2011 by sveltskye

[sveltskye]

No thoughts?

[LuckyLady13]

Hi Sveltskye! Sorry to hear how you're feeling. You've got a laundry list here of things going on that's overwhelming, even for me! Not surprised you're not flooded with quick answers but that's good.

 

People get down and depressed when they're hopeless/don't know what to do about their problems. And sometimes when you do know or find out the answer, it's so hard to put your nose to the grindstone to get done what you need to get done.

 

If happiness and a fantastic life were so easy to have, everybody would have it! Keep that in mind.

 

I understand what you're saying that you're doing what you think you need to do and have heard what you're supposed to be doing. Working out, trying to make friends, etc.

 

Here's what I see:

 

Start small - You mentioned a broken CD player and wouldn't have brought it up if music wasn't important to you. Work on a good mp3 player or CD player as this is one of your smaller problems to tackle. Good music always makes hard things seem easier to do. Music can be a great motivator. Some people need it in their lives.

 

Your job - Get a new one! I know that's so not easy and I'm not pretending it is. But what you're saying is your job is totally screwing some things up for you because of the hours. It's screwing up time for friends, you're lonely and really feeling it and so everything in your life is going to seem harder (alone). Finding a job that's conductive to a good lifestyle for you should be a major priority. If you don't make this a major priority and figure out how to improve this situation, you'll be here next year re-posting this again. This is so important for you to work your hardest to change.

 

A relationship - Forget it for now. Once you have more time to be social when everyone else has time (I've been there and know how it feels), you'll be able to have more friends. And with friends, everything just feels and seems easier. And fun!

 

The last thing you want to do: Stay in the wrong job for you, not find new friends and get involved in a relationship. If the guy is a turd and you go through a breakup this way, well...how is it feeling right now? Good? No? Don't set yourself up to be back here again.

 

You know the saying! Men come and go, friends are forever. Build some lasting, good friendships before you think about a relationship.

 

Keep getting in shape and if losing weight is making you feel better about yourself, find a way to continue this! Whatever you do, don't let yourself slip with this! Keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. You've managed this even through tough times so it's one of your strong points. Stick with it.

 

You'll find even being dirt poor, some strong friendships are to be had. Going to the beach just to talk, going to the woods and looking for shooting stars at night and going hiking on a trail to a really cool place are all virtually free things friends do with each other. Having a cup of coffee at home listening to good music and just chatting the night away instead of paying an arm and a leg for not so great coffee. When the chemistry is there, money isn't even part of the equation.

 

Life can really get overwhelming at times. Your main problem is your job. It's interfering with the rest of your life that makes life worth living. It has to change.

[sveltskye]

Thank you, Lucky Lady. I really appreciate your response. I am really working on finding a new job cause I realize that's a big problem for me. I interviewed for a teacher's aide job and just heard back that I didn't get it today, but I will keep trying and I think I can get one. Honestly, I also feel like music is a big thing for me and i wish I had money to replace my cd player but that will come eventually too. Anyways, I appreciate your thoughts.