Why am I so upset over him?

[Kiddo77]

My ex now has a new GF, although he said she is “a friend of his,” and I am so upset. I cannot stop crying. I saw her in his car when he drove by. I honestly did not think she looked like anything special, and the other two people who saw her said I am much prettier, more refined, etc. (Maybe I'd feel worse if she were really pretty!)

 

The thing is, he treated me terribly…he has major issues, which is what caused his wife to throw him out…violence, alcoholism, bi-polar...our “relationship” was full of ups and downs, mostly downs, and I should not care at all…yet all I can think about is this new person got through to him while I could not. He always said he did not want a relationship…that it “scared” him…and now I keep thinking that I must have somehow failed.

 

I am going to a therapist next week to talk it out, but in the meantime, I am just so upset. I know it is ridiculous but I cannot help how I feel. Anyone?

[thelovingkind]

Oh man... She didn't get through to him. She's enjoying a brief honeymoon period with him that, unless he goes through intensive therapy, will end in exactly the same place that your relationship with him did. Violence, alcoholism, bi-polar issues...women don't just "crack" a guy like that and "get through" to him. Don't for a second think anything's changed. You dodged a bullet and in six months you are going to be in far, far healthier place than his new girl, who is only just about to head into the abyss.

[reimeivn]

You are just going through the normal "hey i used to have that old t-shirt". You know, when you throw away an old torn t-shirt of you, somebody got it, and wear it, and looks happy about it, you feel not right. Just not right.

 

But hey it is still the old T-shirt. The torn one. Its no better. You dont want it back.

 

Just take it easy, think about why it didnt work out for you, and why you never want him back. This will pass, quickly, and then you will be happy again very soon, I promise.

 

Hug hug hug

[TrueColors]

You are just going through the normal "hey i used to have that old t-shirt". You know, when you throw away an old torn t-shirt of you, somebody got it, and wear it, and looks happy about it, you feel not right. Just not right.

 

But hey it is still the old T-shirt. The torn one. Its no better. You dont want it back.

 

I really like this analogy. Will use that myself!

 

But OP, I think the reason why you still get upset is because of the amount of emotional attachment you still have to him. I know because I'm still going through it with my ex. A lot of it also has to do with self-esteem issues. Oh and ego: thinking that if we were so special to them, how could they just throw us away like that?

 

Work on the above, and you'll soon start to see things in a different - and better - way. You've taken the first step by booking to see a therapist. I'm sure that this will put you in a much stronger position in the long run.

[reimeivn]

my mom told me that analogy when i told her that just thinking of him dating somebody makes me sick. it hurts. but try not to think about that, instead, think about how different he is to the person you used to give all your heart to. until you truly understand that the ex doesnt deserve you, for whatever reasons, but foremost, for not recognizing how precious you are to them, you will be thinking about him and that will hurt.

 

sometimes i wish my ex just date somebody right away. i know that hes been happy going out and liking girls and so it hurt already, so maybe when i get to know that he has a new gf, it wouldnt hurt that much.

 

one other ex of mine, long time ago, had a gf a while after we broke up but i didnt find out because of NC. so when i found out, it s already been like 2 years after, and i grew up so much sicne then. i looked back and i dont want him. i think its stupid dating him.

 

so there are 2 things: 1. no more info of him or the girl, and 2. live your life, do the things you have never done, or better, he could never done. make it a goal.