RackEmUp Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 I am seriously considering divorce, because after 15 years of marriage and 2 children, I have come to the conclusion that I do not love my husband and can't endure any more years spent without a warm relationship with a man (you know, love, sex, companionship, affection, touching, talking, emotional closeness, stuff like that). We both have struggled with emotional illness, and his struggle is still ongoing. He is clinging to me and does not agree to break up our marriage, even though he agrees that we are very unhappy and he has no more hope for improvement than I do. He thinks that we should endure a painful marriage for the sake of a stable home for our children. Before you suggest counselling...we've been having counselling periodically, starting back when we were just living together. We have a very effective counsellor right now, but I am realizing that I cannot be counselled into really loving my husband. He has become repellent to me in many respects, and I have just tolerated him for years. My questions are: 1) How can I really make a decision to divorce? There is no crisis, just the painful sense than my life is being poorly spent and is slipping away. 2) How hard will it really be on our children? (We have a 12 yr old girl and 5 yr old boy.) 3) If he resists the divorce, does that make it harder/more expensive/more painful? 4) Is there any point to further counselling if I have given up hope with respect to our marriage? 5) What should I be thinking about and doing right now to make myself ready for this step? Thank you so much for your help, I am really groping... Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 Divorce is never easy for children, but if you are both unhappy, it could end up making their lives better in the long run....It's really hard to say. I've met kids who honestly say that it was the best decision for their family, as hard as it was...it depends on the situation and how hard their home life is right now with both parties being unhappy, and it also depends on how this changes their life after the divorce. I know a lot of people say that divorce is something that always makes a child's life miserable in the long run, but that's not always true. It all depends. Especially on extreme cases we work on (which doesn't sound like the case here) involving battered women, divorce can be a sigh of relief. Can being the key word. Situations vary, like I said. As for how hard the process is on them, that all depends on how you both react to it. It can make their lives miserable if you let it. As a budding attorney, I hate to see kids drug through a messy trial and what not, and am always glad to see it settled out of court by the parties. The problem with messy divorce trials involving children is that the parties inevitably seem to put the children in the middle and force them to pick a side. This is never a good thing and should be avoided. Bottom line: if this divorce is going to happen, both of you should be talking with your kids and answering their questions and letting them know that you both love them very much and that this has nothing to do with them. It's the least you can do. You also need to be talking to your husband, and if it's over, being firm and making the decision that it's done. I always say it's never too late for counseling, but it's a personal decision that has to be made by you, not me. If you're done, be honest with yourself and everyone else. If you're ready to get divorced, talk to an attorney, or if you can't afford one, try looking up clinics. There are often free or low cost ones. If he's not agreeable to a divorce, it definitely makes it harder and possibly more expensive if you have to hire a private attorney, but it's still not impossible. No one can force you to stay married to them. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 Originally posted by RackEmUp 4) Is there any point to further counselling if I have given up hope with respect to our marriage? If your counselor has been effective and you are comfortable with him/her, then talk to your counselor about this. Your kids will adjust as long as you tell them and show them that they are loved and that they are not responsible. Talk to an attorney. Take a look at your finances to see how things should be divided. You can do this without talking to your husband at this point. After you have done your research and have made your final decision, then you need to talk with your husband and make the decision together. Your attorney will go over what could happen and what to do if your husband refuses to give you a divorce. Getting this information will give you more confidence in your decision and give you a short-term path to follow. I'm sorry that your marriage is ending. My husband and I have been in counseling and that is one of the first things we learn - one can't be counseled into feeling a certain way. We can only counsel with the feelings we already have. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Are you sure that your life would be better spent outside this marriage? Is there any chance that your problems are coming as much from within as from your husband and marriage? Because in that case, you can run but you can't hide... Link to post Share on other sites
neil10587 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I have tears in my eyes as I read this. my wife on seventeen years and three kids 8 12 15 wants out. and she sounds like you in her words. after a year of trying, I gave up last night. I have tried to do everything I could to make this work, but like yours, I guess I really never heard her. I do not know what you should do but I have put the wheels in motion. I will pray for you as a pray for me. god bless neil10587... Link to post Share on other sites
mistie Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Hi there i thought i was the only one going through this time, last night me and are daughters 8,5 walked out, i just couldn't live under that can of stress anymore. My husband thought we could work it out this time, but every 6-8 months it is the same thing over and over. Yes, 4 years ago i had a affair, but he still doesn't trust me at all i still talk to the other guy and my husband don't like it i can see his point but, this guy listens to me and has always been there for me too. Any ways i made that step and told him we should separate for a bit, but right away he brought up divorce, one or the other nothing in between. We have married for 8 years together for 11 years and 7 years between us, i started dating him when i was 17 years old. Yes we had are good times and we went through alot, are first born (8years old) was born @ 2pounds and 12 oz and 15 inches long, then it seemed after that we have been hit with this and that and so on. I don't love him anymore and i didn't want to make that step forward, but i couldn't keep lieing about my feeling any more. So i told him i knew i broke his heart again, I didn't want to but why stay married and live with a lie, he deserves someone who loves him the way he should. Yes, it was a real hard step, and the look on his face. Which i married him not his dad, which i could see coming through more and more. He was yelling more @ the girls and putting me down more and more. Finally you know when it is time you can feel it. Yes, it hurts alot there was a pass there it is very heard to leave someone who you once lived, but why stay there when one isn't happy any more---------take care and good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Much excellent advise in this thread. If nothing else, reading Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" will give you both some new perspective, and might even work. But the bottom line after all is said and done will remain the same: "How's that working for you?" Link to post Share on other sites
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