Just need to let it out.

[Abused]

My husband and I are in the process of buying some property. Since we've set out on this endever, he has been so rude to me. Yesterday evening, the lady who's working with us on the property called, and let me know that the seller said we couldn't have the lots that we requested, because there's a sewer line going through the middle of it. We'd either have to pick lots to the left, or to the right.

 

My husband immediately asked me to call the seller and ask him which properties were more desireable. So I did. I went into the other room, because my husband tends to be rude, and start asking me questions when I'm in the middle of talking to them, and pretty much DEMANDS to have me say exactly what he's telling me right then. One time I was in the middle of a phone conversation that I made for HIM, and he started poking me in the back to get my attention. When I didn't turn around after three pokes, he started poking harder and harder and harder, until I turned around and made the speaker hold on so I could listen to him.

 

I went into the other room to call to AVOID this, but he followed me in there. Right in the middle of the seller trying to find a price on one of the properties, my husband started pointing to the lots he wanted. I nodded, and kept listening to the seller, but he started poking the paper harder and harder being so rude. I looked at him, and said quietly, "I hear you!" through gritted teeth. He looked ENRAGED that I'd speak to him that way, and grabbed my right hand and twisted it, and I had to hold my breath to not scream in the seller's ear. I moved my arm in a way so he wouldn't break my wrist, and let go of the pen that I was holding. He stormed out of the room.

 

I have carpul tunnel really bad, so this put my wrist in excrushiating pain. I went to the local drugstore, and bought a wrist brace.

 

I went home, and my husband had this attitude like he didn't do anything wrong, and I shouldn't have raised my voice to him. He said, "Just because I don't say I'm sorry, doesn't mean that I don't feel it". I told him that he should beg my forgiveness for the way he treats me.

 

I found another place to stay last night, because I didn't think it would be a good idea to stay in the house with him.

 

What do you think that I should do about this situation?

[Becks84]

How long have you two been married? And is this abusive behavior new to you? It could only get worse, and if not worse it will at least continue, which is bad enough. A stop needs to be put to this. Have you ever tried just talking to him about his behavior and it's unacceptable? That would be the first thing to do. Have you thought about seperating? If you have, you could tell him that maybe you will have to do that. WOuld that scare him? Sounds like he's got you right where he wants you and probably walks all over you. It's time for him to stop taking you for granted! You don't deserve that!

[Abused]

No, this is not new. The first time something like this happened we had been married maybe 4 months. He shoved me for dumping the dog in the floor when it snapped at me. Then there were a couple of wall punchings over my head. The final time, he shoved me in the face, and my head bounced off the wall. I was shocked for a minute, then I slapped him across the face, then he held me down on the couch, and said if I ever hit him again that he'd punch me in the mouth. Then, he stuck his fist to my mouth, and started pushing down on me hard. My mouth was swollen for the rest of the day.

 

Then he straightened up. He never laid a hand on me again until about 2 weeks ago, when he got "fed up" with the mess in my room, and threw a huge bottle of lotion at my table, breaking fingernail polish glasses all over it. When I came home and found it, he smugly said, "You can hardly tell the difference from the mess it was before!" I got mad, and walked through the house and knocked a clock off the wall in defiance. He ran to where I was, and shoved me. I was bent over plugging in a vacuum cleaner when he did this, so my head hit the vacuum cleaner. He has been in a VERY edgy mood for the past two weeks, and last night I guess I'd had enough. That's why I back talked him (finally) and that's why he twisted my wrist the way he did.

 

I stayed in a hotel room down the road. He called me a minute ago, and apologized for his behavior, and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too, but I haven't told him that I forgive him yet...guess I'm not ready. I think definately one of us will be sleeping on the couch tonight.

 

Origionally, I didn't plan on going home this evening, but I've had a really really tough day at work, so I need to be in familiar surroundings tonight.

[bluechocolate]

If you want to stay in this marriage then I would strongly recommend that you both get some marriage counselling and look for someone who deals with anger management.

 

This sounds quite frightening to me and unless he gets some help with his abuse and anger it can only get worse. You both have to understand that it is NEVER acceptable to hit or push your partner in this manner - and if he hits you and throws things around in anger and frustration he'll do the same to your children.

[Becks84]

This is very serious and dangerous. It will not get any better unless he gets professional help, because he has a real problem. None of these things he has done to you are acceptable whatsoever. I dont care what "you did". Nothing deserves abuse. YOu aren't even doing anything wrong! And you need to realize that first and foremost. A messy room...I can't believe he thinks THAT is a problem. He needs to wake up and get real. Bluechocolate is right...if you even want to stay with this guy, your marriage needs a lot of help! Please take care of yourself and realize what you are worth. Good luck!

[Abused]

Like I said, yesterday he called and apologized to me, but I didn't say that I forgave him. I had to talk to him, because we had some business to take care of over the phone. Then he said, "I didn't know you were leaving last night...I thought you were coming to bed." Then I replied, "You told me that I could leave if I wanted to." then he said, "But you said you wanted to stay and talk." I said, "Yeah, but you didn't want to talk, so you gave me my keys and told me to leave if I wanted to....If you weren't so mean, I wouldn't have left." He then said, "We'll talk about this when you get home."

 

He doesn't like to discuss marriage over the phone, because scanners could pick up our conversations.

 

Quite frankly, I didn't want to talk about it. What was there to talk about? I'd go home and tell him how I felt, and he'd either get mad and blame it all on me, or apologize and do the same crap again in a couple of months.

 

He told me to stop and pick up some pop and water. I told him that I was going to get myself some strawberries too. When I got home, I carried in the heavy stuff first, and then went back to bring in the strawberries. When I carried in the strawberries, he asked in an accusitory tone, "What did you buy!?" I said, "Strawberries." in a DUUUUUUH sort of tone. He said, "Why are you getting an attitude?"

 

Last words before the beginning of an argument...I didn't say anything.

 

He said, "I guess you're just naturally a bitch, huh."

 

That was it!!! I'm thinking what kind of JERK treats me the way he does, and then has the gal to call ME A BITCH!!! I went to the bedroom, packed a bag, and left. As I was leaving, he asked, "Where are you going?" I just shook my head and left.

 

I drove around until about 9, which is when he usually goes to bed, and then came home. Unfortunately, he was still awake. I went to the bedroom to fold and put away the clean clothes that he left all over the bed for me, and he came in to ask me why I left, and I told him because he called me a bitch. He then said, "You were quiet when you got home before." I replied, "I didn't want to talk." He said, "Well you wanted to talk over the phone!" then I said, "No I didn't, I just had to talk to you to take care of business."

 

He then started talking about the property we were buying. I started telling him some details about it, because when I was driving around, that's where I drove to. I want a swing to be hung in one of the trees on the property, but he keeps insisting that leaving a tree on the lot would get in the way.

 

I told him that I looked for a tree, but there weren't any good ones. I told him that they have trimmed all the trees back so much, that I couldn't hang a swing on one if I tried! He said, "See, I told you! You got mad over nothing!"

 

I was apalled at that. Yes, we had an argument in reference to the swing. I said, "I want a tree left for me to put a swing on, and he started yelling, "WE AREN'T GOING TO LEAVE A TREE!!! IT'LL GET IN THE WAY!!!!! DON'T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING!?!?!" <--that's why I got mad.

 

I just shook my head when he said I got mad over nothing, and he said, "What?" I said, "You're the one that got mad about the tree." He said, "Well, you were being stupid! I knew there wasn't a tree that you could put a swing on." I was getting ticked by this time, so I said, "Ok, you were right as always."

 

He got mad and stormed out of the room, and yelled, "You know, I wish I'd never got married!!!" I calmly said, "I know." He went to the living room and turned off all the lights, then came back to the room, and told me to get the clothes out of the way, he was going to bed. I picked up as many as I could *unfolded* and he knocked the rest in the floor.

 

I went and got in the bathtub without saying a word to him, then I heard him going to the living room, and he yelled into the bathroom, "You're sleeping on the couch tonight! You're not sleeping with me!" I calmly said, "I had planned on sleeping on the couch." Then I heard him go to the bedroom, and get my alarm clock. Then, I heard him smash it about 3 times.

 

I think he did all of this to make me cry. He says he hates it when I cry, but when I don't cry, he keeps doing things and doing things, and doing things, and saying things to get a rise out of me. I expected this kind of loser-behavior from him, so why should I cry? I knew he was going to be a jerk.

 

Our bathroom door doesn't have a knob, it has a chain. After he broke my alarm clock, I heard him get into bed for a second, then get back out. He opened the bathroom door, breaking the chain, and pulled back the shower curtain to see me sitting in the bathtub. He said, "What changed between us talking on the phone, and you getting home? How come you wanted to talk while you were at work, but not when you got home?" I calmly replied, "I didn't want to talk to you at work, I had to...we had to take care of business. I'm just tired, I don't want to talk."

 

What did he want me to say? "Honey, I'm AFRAID of you, and if I tell you how I feel in person, you're liable to really break my arm this time! If I talk to you over the phone, at least I'm safe a few miles away!"

 

He finally went to bed and left me alone.

 

He likes to be in control apparently. If I'm crying, then he knows he's got to me. Last night, he did everything he knew would hurt me (throwing tantrums, telling me that I wasn't ALLOWED to sleep in the bed with him, breaking something of mine) but when I didn't cry like I usually do, he didn't know how to react!

 

See, he doesn't know that the more of this crap he pulls, the farther he's pushing me away. I realized yesterday that I could live happily without him...once I awoke in the hotel room and felt so much relief. He thinks I'm still the little girl that he can push around who'll keep coming back. I've changed though. I've found out that I can live without him. He told me to get a divorce last night, and I told him no. He got his innocent little boy voice, and said, "Why?" I think he expected me to tell him that I loved him, but instead, I said, "It's more convenient to be married right now."

 

He gives me these stupid apologies, then turns around and acts exactly the same again! Why does he think he can get to me!? I'm numb now. I don't care what he does at this point. The more he does now, the more of an excuse I have to leave him.

 

If I ever get the courage to talk to him, I'm definately going to suggest anger management. He needs it BAD.

[She's Come Undone]

Honey, I wish I could take you into my home!

 

I would get over the idea of buying property together. First you need to decide if you want to stay with this man. Don't get yourself into a deeper committment, it will only prolong being with him. I think that even if you do get some counselling, you need some time away for your personal safety and wellbeing.

 

Why is it that we only see the "true" person AFTER marriage?

[reggio]

Abuse is not to be tolerated by anybody.

 

It sounds to me like you both need to take an anger management program.

 

Your husband is obviously not happy with you and is testing your tolerance, this means he will go to any extreme. This can be very dangerous for the both of you.

 

I think you are also looking for a way out, now is probably the best time for this.

 

You really need to be very careful with this and I recommend that you make your plans to leave and don't look back. If necessary contact your local police for assistance or a local shelter or a family member.

 

Don't hesitate, act on this as soon as possible.

 

Good luck!!

[She's Come Undone]

Originally posted by Abused

He told me to get a divorce last night, and I told him no. He got his innocent little boy voice, and said, "Why?" I think he expected me to tell him that I loved him, but instead, I said, "It's more convenient to be married right now."

 

 

I re-read the last part of your last post and I just have to say, THERE IS NEVER A TIME WHEN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE SHOULD BE CONVENIENT!!!

 

IF he was serious about you asking for a divorce, then that's probably what he's feeling he wants too.

 

I know, everything is easier said than done.

[reggio]

Originally posted by She's Come Undone

 

 

Why is it that we only see the "true" person AFTER marriage?

 

Excellent question.

 

This happens simply to those that really don't know each other, not to mention that they are not being entirely "truthful and honest" with themselves and to their partner.

 

Marriage is not to be used as "trial and error" or "take the chance".

 

The are many important issues that need to be agreed on before you get married and you cannot expect that your future spouse will offer what you would like if it was not discussed and agreed before marriage.

 

Some people will argue and say that you need to compromise, that is B.S.!

Think about it, compromising is only meeting half way (50%), is this the percentage that you would want to depend on in your marriage?

 

When people agree however, we are now talking 100%. What is the best percentage to use in marriage? This is simple math!

[moimeme]

First you need to decide if you want to stay with this man.

 

No. You need to leave. This man is showing signs of being VERY dangerous. You need to talk to a domestic violence helpline immediately. Do not make plans to live with this man. Do not buy a house with him.

 

Here is a link about developing a safety plan. NOTE THIS: They ALWAYS apologize. Some even cry. They promise, promise, PROMISE to never do it again - but they will. This is typical 'cycle of violence'. Do not think he will be any different.

 

http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/safetytxt.htm

[Just Visiting]

Wow...all I can say is that I am afraid for you Abused. It sounds like his episodes are becoming worse as times goes on. Run for your life is all I can say.

[Abused]

Well, once I stopped trying to talk to him about his problems, he became Mr. Wonderful again. It's hard, though, because it's pretty much all I think about. Most of the time, I don't want to be around him, but then other times, I miss him so much that I can't stand it.

 

I think the reason he's quit apologizing for his behavior, is that he knows he's going to do it again. At this point, I don't feel a need for his apology, because I know it is worthless.

 

The other day, I asked him what was the point in breaking my alarm clock? I asked him what purpose it served. He said he broke it, to keep from hitting me. That made me furious and hurt, but there's no point in being furious and hurt, because I'm the stupid idiot who's staying with him.

 

Now, when he tells me I'm stupid, it has a new meaning. He'll say, "You're so stupid." and I'll think, "Yes I am, for staying with you, and for hoping that you will change..." then I'll usually start to tear up, because I am so stupid.

 

I AM STUPID. He hurts me, and it's only going to get worse. The thought of leaving him scares me to death! I don't know why. Maybe it's the thought of change, maybe it's because I still love him...who knows...it doesn't make sense.

 

I know it's going to get worse. Maybe I just tell myself that it may get better, but if it gets too much worse, I'll leave. There is always the hope of him growing up and out of this, but I'm not seeing it. He'll do so well for a while, and I'll think he's gotten better, but then out of the blue one day, it'll pop up again.

 

Honestly, I'm not in the denial that it'll get better any more. I still hope that it will get better, but I'm not going to fool myself into actually thinking it.

 

He totally ignores the fact that he has a problem. I can't imagine HIM being in so much denial. I don't do anything to set off these mood swings. I used to be a lot more agrivating, but I've changed a lot to suit him, so I KNOW it's not me. The things that set him off are NOTHINGS. I don't deserve this, I deserve 300X better, I don't do anything to set him off, so his attitude has nothing to do with me. Sure, he'll blame it on me, but it's obvious that his behaviour isn't my fault.

 

I talked to a friend of mine who's mom was abused for 20+ years. She said he used to beat the crap out of her, and hold guns to her head and everything! She said that her mom couldn't do anything right in her dad's eyes. He would just get in his head that she wasn't doing something right, and smack her up side the head. My friend said he called her stupid, and nagged her about everything she did! Now, 20 some years later, he's finally stopped....who knows why. The funny thing is, I told my husband about how he beat her and talked to her, and my husband said, "What a stupid loser! Everyone down that way is a stupid red neck." He didn't see the comparison at all! I felt like saying something. I was actually kind of relieved that he didn't say, "She probably deserved it."

 

My husband makes jokes in reference to abusing me a lot. He'll grin and say, "I'd like to smak you in the mouth just one good time!" then laugh like it's funny. I've tried our entire year together to get him to quit saying stuff like that, but he thinks it's funny. He also likes these HORRIBLE movies where guys beat the CRAP out of each other. Mobster movies and stuff. He likes movies with a lot of blood and fight scenes. I can't stand them; they make me want to cry for days!

 

I can't believe someone who is such a nice, considerate person has such a different side! I know if he went into thereapy he'd straighten right up, but he refuses to admit there's something wrong with him. It's hard to leave him when I know what a great person he is and can be...he is just so Jekel and Hyde!!!

 

I'm not ready to leave yet, although in a few years I may regret this decision. I am hoping that I soon will be able to convince him to go into thereapy. My plan right now is to get therapy for myself. Maybe if he sees me making an effort to improve our marriage he may follow suit. If not, then at least I'll have someone to talk to, and help me to get out if it ever comes to that.

 

Also, wouldn't it hold better in court that I was in fact abused if a therapist was witness to every story that I told? I am not willing to share my tale with friends or family, because if he does change, then they'll still judge him as an abuser. If I decide to forgive him, they never will, and they'll judge my stupidity for staying in this marriage.

 

I did tell my tale one time to an older couple we are friends with. They seemed to think that he was just angry, and didn't mean to do those things. They know him as this wonderful nice guy. They said they didn't like men hitting around on women, but they couldn't understand why he would do that, unless he was angry at something. They didn't blame it on me, they said he was angry about something else.

 

This is probably the reaction I would get from most people....to forgive him. If not, then they would pressure me to leave him. It's my decision.

 

I guess what I used loveshack for is to make sure that this was in fact abuse, and not something to be taken as lightly as he wants to take it.

 

Thanks guys!

[moimeme]

Please do get yourself to counselling. You are in much more trouble than you know. Do you honestly want to live through twenty years of this to see if he ever changes? You could be dead before then.

[imjustadreamer]

Originally posted by Abused

Well, once I stopped trying to talk to him about his problems, he became Mr. Wonderful again.

 

 

Yes,the Jeckel and Hyde mode. This is something REAL that takes place within someone who is mentally unstable. Not a proverbial old saying alone. The bad thing is that (just as the movie) it only gets worse without clinical treatment.

 

It's hard, though, because it's pretty much all I think about. Most of the time, I don't want to be around him, but then other times, I miss him so much that I can't stand it.

 

That is natural because this is your world, a place where you had hopes of being happy . It is your current situation and familiar. Being of a more positive and rationally healthy mind,as you seem to be,you are also a forgiving person and are optimistic and full of hope. This is when you miss him. When you feel fear then you want to flee. (The fear is well deserved)Danger causes fear.

 

I'd like to add also that it is so very true what I read that another poster had adviced you about...When he is exposed to others in a given situatiuon (police?) or sees your strength surface, he will become threatened and he will cry his eyes out and beg and plead and promise you anything and everything!!!! THAT HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!

Oh...but yes...he will do it again. You can count on it.

This is the absolute truth!!! This is exactly what this type person will do to gain sympathy from you...or...so you won't have them locked up in jail...or...mainly, so you won't leave him. This is the pattern. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!!!! Tell yourself that it is NOT real. That it is a product of the disease that lives within him!! This can be a crucial moment in these instances because some women have fallen for it...went home with the guy....then all of those sickly sweet tears and sentiments turned into the most violent rage of all of his episodes to date. He was only "play acting" no matter how genuine he appeared. He is mad because he's been confronted and that something or someone "intervened" ..preventing him from having his own way....after the tears and promises ...he could very well kill.

 

I think the reason he's quit apologizing for his behavior, is that he knows he's going to do it again. At this point, I don't feel a need for his apology, because I know it is worthless.

 

If you will do some research about abuse,you will find that there are many,many warnings and patterns. It could be only an escalation with his condition that he has reached, to where the apologies stop somewhat. You are correct!! You do NOT need his apology NOR should you even desire it. Ever heard how "talk is cheap?". Well,it is! I can hear my mother's voice still..."actions speak louder than words!". I grew up to learn how true this is. In all phases of life and all situations. Truly my friend...the time for "talk" between you two with any expectations of sorting this all how to where he is "healed" is NOT possbile. The man is in dire need of clinical help.

It may sound alarming to say this...but then again? You "should" be highly alarmed as to what you are dealing with...but the NEXT (if ever) apology from him ..."could" be for some hideous and violent domestic crime that can NOT be undone ...as far as hurting or killing you.

 

 

 

The other day, I asked him what was the point in breaking my alarm clock? I asked him what purpose it served. He said he broke it, to keep from hitting me.

 

WARNING FLAG -- WARNING FLAG...Sounds like his mind had a fleeting moment of rationality amidst one of his violent outbursts...and he was able to counteract and control it a bit. Nevertheless...it is NOT rational to even throw things. This sounds like it goes beyond anger management even,albeit he severely needs to be under professional care for that alone

 

 

That made me furious and hurt, but there's no point in being furious and hurt, because I'm the stupid idiot who's staying with him.

 

Now, when he tells me I'm stupid, it has a new meaning. He'll say, "You're so stupid." and I'll think, "Yes I am, for staying with you, and for hoping that you will change..." then I'll usually start to tear up, because I am so stupid.

 

I AM STUPID. He hurts me, and it's only going to get worse.

 

Sweetie pie...you are FAR FROM BEING STUPID!!! I applaud your mentality and rationality for realizing alone that this is just not normal behavior from another human being!

You are punishing yourself for nothing. But this is also a very typical mindset from an abused counterpart, whether the abuse be physical, mental, emotional,pychological,etc. You can not for the life of you, figure out the " WHY'S" here, so it comes easier for you to somehow place blame upon yourself. You can not pinpoint exactly what your blame is, therefore you say I AM STUPID. No, stupid you are not. What you have been instead, is weak and uniformed really. But now...with time...you are much more informed with each day and this in turn decreases your weaknesses, helping you to build up a fortitude inside of you with strength and the spirituality that you possess as a human to do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from this situation NOW. At this moment...your main concern should NOT be him, but YOU. You may have wanted to change him and his behaviors,but my sweet,that is just not how it is done.

It is impossible really. Many think that they can change another and their behaviors, but it never works. Those only make themselves into a type of "martyr" for the cause and end up suffering terrible abuse and so psychologically damaged, that if they get out alive then they are in therapy for the rest of their lives. Just remember: you are NOT Jesus Christ...you are a mere mortal. You were NOT placed upon this earth to "save" anyone nor hang upon a cross for them as the martyr to their twisted cause. What you ARE, is responsible for the good health of YOUR body, mind and soul, and it sounds to me like your's are in need of some tender loving care right now in order to heal into a healthier and more productive state of living...in order to feel good and to be happy.

 

 

 

 

The thought of leaving him scares me to death! I don't know why. Maybe it's the thought of change, maybe it's because I still love him...who knows...it doesn't make sense.

 

This too is a normal emotion under these given circumstances. However,you'd be suprised how quickly that could change the moment that you make a decision to LIVE for you and move toward a positive direction. The women who run the battered and abused organizatiions will help you to have an entire new outlook as to what you really want and what you will not accept. "Change" can be scary for anyone in any circumstance. It's really no different than the child who is going off to kindergarten for the first time. But usually way before the day ends ... the child, they are esctatic and can't wait to go back again! Why?? It's because "we all fear the unknown". Yes, there are varying degrees but it is true.

 

It isn't because that you love him at all. You are in love with the idea of loving him. Think about that please. You have love for what you'd like him to be or think or feel...but if he does not possess these qualities...then what is it that you are loving? Merely the idea of it. Please do not become so shallow that you will accept and rely upon a smile or a kind word from him occasionally, to feed these false emotions to where they escalate higher! It's an illusion.

You deserve so much more, so ...please...do not wallow in a momentary vision/memory of the day that he was soooo sweet when he______? Or that time when he said___? Or ______? See? Because if you fall prey to this type thinking then you are cheating yourself most of all...and not accepting reality. I'm not saying that you should lose total compassion for another human being who is in need of help, but your obligation lies to your own self first and foremost! No martyring please!

 

THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD...NO ONE HAS TO "SETTLE"!!

Some of us... become wise to that fact....AFTER the fact.

 

 

I know it's going to get worse. Maybe I just tell myself that it may get better, but if it gets too much worse, I'll leave. There is always the hope of him growing up and out of this, but I'm not seeing it. He'll do so well for a while, and I'll think he's gotten better, but then out of the blue one day, it'll pop up again.

 

See?? You show wisdom here stating this! Our wisdom is derived from knowledge and your knowledge has grown and will continue to grow into very potent wisdom.

Yes!!! It will get worse. If I may use the analogy here to an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. Literally. Many did not know this for years,but it is. This is a whole other topic but with alcoholics there are always those who suffer (in many ways and some are physical and mental abuse that you are enduring) Getting on to my point here...IF a person remains by and with that alcoholic and participates in some areas of his life...they become what is known as an "enabler". It could be that they provided the money to purchase it(perhaps through indimidation,fear or physical abuse)...OR...it can even be a friend of the alcoholic...who does not turn him away from his door when he needs to pass out and crash there until he sobers up. I could go on and on as to who and what more enablers can be, but as far as I see it, by you remaining in a household, a situation or whatever ...which "enables" him to act out his attrociities upon you...then is that not rather "enabling" him to continue on with his behaviors?? And believe me, anyone who has any type of problem which needs clinical help?...when they have secured an "enabler".?..they do NOT want to let go!...and the violence of what I call "power-tripping" that person ...will only increase with time.

 

 

 

Honestly, I'm not in the denial that it'll get better any more. I still hope that it will get better, but I'm not going to fool myself into actually thinking it.

 

 

This is because you ARE of sound state and mind ....for now at least...You see the true reality of the situation. ....(mostly)....IF you remain in this situation, one could not promise you that YOUR mind will remain that clear,but instead become cloudy by being subjected to these psychotic actions that are displayed upon you. It is totally your choice.

 

Hope is the most wonderful element. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for...the element of things unseen." Cor 11.1

 

However it would be foolish to hope that tomorrow when it rains that it will rain golden eggs from the sky. It is not logical. Neither is it logical that your situation will improve without intervention...the first being...that you remove yourself permanently from the situation for safety of your mind,body and spirit....not to mention your physical life. PLEASE talk to others and don't just take my word for any of this. These people are there because they have been in your shoes and worse and they will love and respect and care for you in all ways and even help to protect you from further abuse.

 

 

He totally ignores the fact that he has a problem. I can't imagine HIM being in so much denial. I don't do anything to set off these mood swings. I used to be a lot more agrivating, but I've changed a lot to suit him, so I KNOW it's not me. The things that set him off are NOTHINGS. I don't deserve this, I deserve 300X better, I don't do anything to set him off, so his attitude has nothing to do with me. Sure, he'll blame it on me, but it's obvious that his behaviour isn't my fault.

 

YES...HIS "DENIAL" IS ONLY PART OF THE CYCLE OF HIS DISORDER!! No, nothing is your fault.

He is not right!

He is sick in the head, literally!

There are prof's who can help him with all aspects of anger management to chemical imbalances within his brain to therapy to find out just what all of this stems from. Could be something from his childhood that traumatized him somehow and rooted his belief system into something which is totally contrary to healthy and normal. but it is NOT you that can help this man. I'm sorry to say this, but it was NEVER you that could help him. Fact be known, he has to choose to help himself first and foremost...and fact also, is that he may never do that. I pity those near to him if he never does. In any event...you need to get your distance NOW.

It is NOT fair and it is NOT healthy for you to have to walk on eggshells around him in order to not tick him off like a bomb!! If you continue doing this then BELIEVE IT...YOU will be nuttier than a fruitcake...AND....it will be YOU in therapy trying to recupperate from it. It's good that we are sharp enough to do this in a given situation in order to "psyche" someone into remaining calm...to keep our self safe from harm at that moment in order to escape a dangerous scenerio.

But my goodness, for this to become a way of life? No, then you are going to be sick mentally,emotionally and physically also! Stop doing this please and just nip this in the bud now.

 

 

I talked to a friend of mine who's mom was abused for 20+ years. She said he used to beat the crap out of her, and hold guns to her head and everything! She said that her mom couldn't do anything right in her dad's eyes. He would just get in his head that she wasn't doing something right, and smack her up side the head. My friend said he called her stupid, and nagged her about everything she did! Now, 20 some years later, he's finally stopped....who knows why. The funny thing is, I told my husband about how he beat her and talked to her, and my husband said, "What a stupid loser! Everyone down that way is a stupid red neck."

 

He didn't see the comparison at all! I felt like saying something. I was actually kind of relieved that he didn't say, "She probably deserved it."

 

Comparison? DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL...this is not just a word out of Webster's dictionary. So, don't be TOO relieved at that!!!!!

Could you ever imagine that a pedophile, when hearing about a child being molested, would make any other comment than they were outraged? Please remember that he is NOT MENTALLY STABLE!! Yes, he is functional in society, but he is far from being totally stable. (words are cheap and usually mean nothing such as here,when you are aware that he does not act out his words in his own life. Not saying that he may not feel like a loser inside...but he continues to do what he does to you. Actions are much louder and more truthfully reliable.

 

 

 

 

My husband makes jokes in reference to abusing me a lot. He'll grin and say, "I'd like to smak you in the mouth just one good time!" then laugh like it's funny. I've tried our entire year together to get him to quit saying stuff like that, but he thinks it's funny. He also likes these HORRIBLE movies where guys beat the CRAP out of each other. Mobster movies and stuff. He likes movies with a lot of blood and fight scenes. I can't stand them; they make me want to cry for days!

 

 

 

THIS MAN GOES WAY BEYONE CHAUVANISM!!! Omg,this is horrendous!! Abusive physically,mentally,emotionally and wants to reduce you to feel as though you are something less than human!! This is what these sick F***ks do!!! I have a friend who you could have been describing here. She endured this stuff for years.As did their small son who was ridiculed if he smacked his mouth too loud at the table even while eating. Poor little guy. I won't go into the bizarre stories but all of the abuse only escalated through the years...sometimes she would show up with a cast on her leg...where she ...uhmmm...slipped and fell going downstairs....YES...he pushed her down the steps. That is only one of many. Note: she was a passive person basically all her life who was subjected to alot as a child but a bright and sensitive girl who knew right from wrong and knew it was wrong even though guilttrips had been laid upon her table all of her life. This is what her husband did to keep her passive. He belittled her,putting her down always and making her feel ashamed. It is common for an abused woman to feel ashamed.

But you should not be ...for nothing is your fault to cause a man to do these things. They only want a scape goat or better still a whipping stone...who will be their "enabler" that they may carry on with their behaviors! (note: over a yr ago, my friend finally took the big step and got her self and son out of the house and the marriage. She divorced him.She is now engaged to a wonderful man and pinches her self everyday because she never really knew what "normal" was with a man, so it really blows her away by a man who is her knight in shining armour!

 

 

 

I can't believe someone who is such a nice, considerate person has such a different side! I know if he went into thereapy he'd straighten right up, but he refuses to admit there's something wrong with him. It's hard to leave him when I know what a great person he is and can be...he is just so Jekel and Hyde!!!

 

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!! You are NOT a professional in this field and you do NOT "know" that he will straighten right up!

(it's that beautiful 'hope" thing that you possess!!) as a matter of fact...you don't even really know what is wrong with him...fully...You have no idea what is buried deep within the crevices of his mind that prompt him on. ONLY A PROFESSIONAL COULD FIND THIS OUT...and it would not be overnight either!

 

Hard to leave, you speak of here once again.

Change?

Fear of the unknown of change?

 

C'mon girl!! Dig deep inside yourself and pull out what is strong and truthful ...and then take one step after another...until you have found your new path to walk.

 

I'm sure he does have some good in him as well, but on a scale, which side drops the soonest! Which outweighs which?

 

Bears in the forsest are beautiful, and they will cater to their young so affectionately...but because we have... "momentarily"...observed this awesome goodness and beauty in the wild? Do we apptempt to take them home with us?

Rhetorical question.

Of course not.

Some things? We just know better!

 

 

 

I'm not ready to leave yet, although in a few years I may regret this decision.

 

If you are still alive and/or able to function with active mental thought capabilities after possibly getting your brains smashed in.

 

 

 

 

I am hoping that I soon will be able to convince him to go into thereapy.

 

 

This probably will not ever happen,I am sorry to say. It usually takes an extreme crisis, something horrible (an injury to someone,a death) to break someone like this into a sorrowful and remorseful mode within their psyche,to which they will agree to therapy for mental behaviors. This is a fact.

 

Preachers have tried even and usually just get lied to and those are usually the least likely types that an abuser will listen to in the long run and I've heard of more than one beating the crap out of the person who 'sikked' the god-man on them!

Not to reduce this situation in any event,to something less serious or even to intimate that it is in the least humorous...but if you've ever seen any of the exorcist movies? Well...evil rebukes anything pure!! Abuse is an evil act!!

 

 

 

 

 

My plan right now is to get therapy for myself. Maybe if he sees me making an effort to improve our marriage he may follow suit. If not, then at least I'll have someone to talk to, and help me to get out if it ever comes to that.

 

 

 

That is the 2nd best thing that you can do right after removing ..1st...yourself from this man's presence!!!

 

YOU get therapy for YOU!!!

 

Not him!!!

 

Not as a showmanship for him to view in "hopes" that he will follow suit!

 

NO NO NO!!

 

Bless your heart...your reasoning is just not logical regarding this.

(martyr therapy?????)

 

A therapist is not an ace to stick up your sleeve to help you 'get out if it',

if it comes to that!! Only the police could help you "if it ever comes to that". ..and that will be if you are lucky!!

A therapist can certainly help you to understand and cope with all of this and even more ...and help you to become a stronger person with insight as to your future and how to make it brighter!

 

 

 

 

 

Also, wouldn't it hold better in court that I was in fact abused if a therapist was witness to every story that I told?

 

 

AGAIN...NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! This is not true in the sense that you are visualizing this. First and foremost...there "are" some ways that testimony from a therapist could be to your situation in a court of law, but there is strict confidentiality between a client and a therapist and many tricky loopholes when it involves parties involved in the courts. Of course you need to relay these stories and facts,etc. Yes, and they will be documented.... so that he/she can gain full understanding of the entire picture in order to help you in the long run. But again, your reasoning, is way off base here.

I may as well add though, that "if" you are harmed "physically" by this man, then you would need to go to a licensed physician or hospital immediately to have this documented. That type thing helps in court.

 

But you have a choice to eliminate yourself from that tentative future scenerio by acting NOW upon the situation. Some women die before they ever make it to the hospital,and their story is never heard in any court,and the perpretator is left to inflict his disease out in society upon another victim!!

Some women and children are never even found!!

 

This may sound extreme to you right now, but I assure you...it is not.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not willing to share my tale with friends or family, because if he does change, then they'll still judge him as an abuser. If I decide to forgive him, they never will, and they'll judge my stupidity for staying in this marriage.

 

 

More twisted reasoning from your own mind. You don't share,because you are ashamed. You are afraid (that fear thing again) that it will be a negative relection upon "you" for being with someone like this. You are playing a role on the stage of your own life here.

Family and friends are the most important things in the world and will stick by you in thick and thin. They may get mad at you but I bet they want to protect you from other's that may harm you. That is natural. Even if he does "change"...this is NOT going to be something that happens one night when he stands out in a field in a storm and lightening comes down and strikes him...and VOILA!! he is changed!! he is cured!! It would be nice... but we are not robots with impants to put into our heads to "fix" whatever is wrong!! And "if" you decide to "forgive" him....????....I seriously do not view this situation anywhere at any point as something that is a wrong, that is deserving of forgiveness.

 

If your uncle had TB or Cancer and went away to get treatment...would you "forgive" him upon his arrival?? It just isn't that simple. I believe at the most...IF... he gets treatment...extended treatment...not going 2 or 3 times to a therapist...

and on down the road then he has made great progress...then I think that "forgive" might be better termed as "to accept" him again. I do not see "sorry" or "forgive" as elements to this at all. Except to reduce it to less than it is within your mind for the sake of simplicity,due to the fact that it is not easily understood and ...again...what we do not understand in life...we usually fear and may choose to de-rationalize it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did tell my tale one time to an older couple we are friends with. They seemed to think that he was just angry, and didn't mean to do those things. They know him as this wonderful nice guy. They said they didn't like men hitting around on women, but they couldn't understand why he would do that, unless he was angry at something. They didn't blame it on me, they said he was angry about something else.

 

Oh my...

...ok...key words here..."older couple". Well ain't that just so sweet that they didn't blame it on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Duhhhhh?????

WELL WHY SHOULD OR WOULD THEY!! I'm probably off the deepend a bit with my sarcasm here (and not even writing what is "really" in my head about that!)

but maybe they said something like "well..honey, it's not your fault"...Right? Believe me...I know, that they know, nothing is your fault!

I know it too.

 

Many older people are naive to the ways of the reality of the world and the people in it. There could be many factors relating to that. Such as their region, how they grew up, how very old they really are,their health and comprehension,or just their mindset that they have chosen to basically adopt about society in general,which makes for a more peaceful existance for them, in their own little world. Many older people haved lived to be very accepting of many things that are wrong and just turn their heads to avoid the reality of the real truth. This is a fact! Many,many things were never even hinted about...let alone talked about, that could have been going on just down the road. ..or even worse...right in the same house!!

But ...not to get involved,ya know?

 

I know nothing of these people and am only generally speaking,but your wording indicates that the older people expressed a view that would "condone" an act of violence, IF someone was ANGRY!!!!!! That would explain it - justify it - ??????

BUT...they know him as a nice guy...so in their minds it is easier for THEM to not think any further upon and dismiss it with that ol timey..."well...bless his little pea pickin' heart...he just got a little angry...poor little thing....wellllll....bless his heart,he's a good boy inside of him...so it'll be ok!!"

 

and then it is DISMISSED, from their minds... for it is way too powerful and frightening for these older people to think about.

 

Trust me...it is NEVER ok to be abusive because you are angry. NOT TO ANY LIVING THING!!!!!!

Well...maybe if a tree was big enough to kick then you wouldn't hurt it! Ok a little humor there.

Seriously...in therapy and many self help courses in anger management it is advised to have a kicking stone,stump,or something. Some use big blown up mallets or something of the sort to just beat the heck out of something solid ...even the floor. It get's out aggressive and angry behavior and really pumps up those endorphins in the brain like exercise. The healthy kind.

 

Bottom line...anger is NO EXCUSE ...EVER...EVER...TO LAY YOUR HANDS UPON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TO HARM THEM...The tongue can be just as abusive. The book of 'James' in the bible is all about the tongue and how it is truly the deadliest weapon in the world. (hence: emotional/mental ...cruelty/abuse)

 

 

 

This is probably the reaction I would get from most people....to forgive him. If not, then they would pressure me to leave him. It's my decision.

 

I disagree. I do not think that "most" people would tell you to forgive him. I think that section would be a minority and then I think that the 'majority' would be questioning the 'minority's" mentality!!

Neither do I think that anyone will "pressure" you to leave him. People will be honest with you and ...then...yes...it is your decision.

 

It is a fact that policemen are there to help us but they also know that most abused women are down at the station bailing their assailant out as soon as they doctor their most recent wounds and can make it to the station. It is a statistic, that women keep going back and back and back again after repeated beatings, until they are sometimes dead and no longer have that option of getting out of it alive. This is just straight up truth.

Why do they do this? Because they have allowed their abuser to manipulate them in any way possible...mentally, emotionally, to make them feel that they somehow can not live without them and in doing so they keep their victim "passive" and "submissive" in their own private prison!!

These type women need therapy just as badly as their attackers/abusers do.

 

Abuse is something that is not just a simple thing which has a cut and dry answer. Sometimes it is passed down from generation to generation and is accepted as a normal way of life to those who live within it's suffering bounds. It is also a fact that most children of abusers, grow up to be abusers themselves...abusing then their own children....another generation carried on. This is sad and senseless and should not be allowed to exist within our society. But just a few speaking out here and there will never put a stop to it. It will take those who are within the reach of abuse, the victims....and yes, even those abusers who underwent therapy and went on years later to live a better life with a new belief system(which would have to be practiced for all of their life...it is not cured like the chicken pox and can't ever come back!)...But all of these people need to do what is needed to be done to help in any way possible to end this. Remaining passive within a relationship such as you have is just wrong. Wrong for you, first and foremost...and wrong as an example to millions of other women and children who are enduring the same or much worse than you! It is giving a signal, that this is an acceptable style of living in this country and this should not be!

My advice? Get out now! While you still can! Then...instead of feeling sorry for yourself ...seek counseling for yourself to help you put it all in the right perspective and order in life. Think of you and love yourself. Do an assessment on yourself and evalute as to what you really want out of life. What are your goals for the future? Most important? What are your DREAMS????? You are allowed to dream anything you desire for the future...and even better...you have the right to pursue that dream! Get clear on that future thing within yourself. Don't even make longterm goals if you find it difficult in the beginning.

Maybe you are certain. But explore yourself fully,giving yourself options to explore relating to your dreams. Is is a career? Travel? Peace of mind? Someone to respect and honour you? Family values important to you? I don't know your age but would you eventually want ...A good man who fulfills the dreams that you have always longed for in the way that he treats you? Children? Country life? City life? To tour the world? To live in a cave? Whatever it is that lives within your mind and heart...explore them...and know that you are good but you are strong and you are a survivor! (PLEASE be a survivor!!!) Survivors usually accomplish anything that they set their heads to do!

 

It is not the intended purpose for a human to be born into a world in order to suffer irrational abuse!! And do you think that the victims being abused ...tortured daily by their abusers....do you think that they really "want" to be there enduring that? I don't think so. You and I both know better! They need help. Like you.

I know this is a bit lengthy but this is an area that is dear to me and I so wanted to speak to you. You have expressed here that you KNOW that this is WRONG...so there is great hope for you to get yourself on the right track much sooner than some other's who may take longer. You are wise to know these things but a bit passive and so full of fear for the change that needs to come. Your fears will be totally understood and you will understand them better as time goes by and as they all disappear, perhaps you may even take an interest to help out someone else who is being abused as you once were...(doesn't that have a nice ring to speak of it "in past tense" "as you once were".

C'mon!!! I'm rootin' for ya'!! You can do this!!

 

Please contact someone asap and begin the life that you have longed for and deserve.

 

 

 

 

I guess what I used loveshack for is to make sure that this was in fact abuse, and not something to be taken as lightly as he wants to take it.

 

Thanks guys!

 

 

 

I only found this site a couple of days ago on quest of a totally different subject. However,after reading your post,I had to speak to you. If you had not guessed...yes...I was once abused and ended up fearing for my life,barely escaping with it. I also have exp working in Law and have seen so very much.

Please help yourself now...before you are no longer able to.

 

So, to answer your question...YES,IT "IS" ABUSE....physically,mental,emotional etal....and NO it should NOT be taken lightly.

 

Don't allow the unthinkable to happen ...and it is usually unexpected,so please be on guard and protect yourself from harm. What other's think of this man is totally irrelevant to this issue and his actions. Just because a human has performed a good deed or 2 does not excuse his actions of blatently violent crime upon another.

 

I've known of more than one man who was a prominent citizen and very well known...who performed hideous criminal acts behind closed doors! Some to women.Some to children. One was a Judge....

 

NEVER BE INTIMIDATED BY ANYONE.. .FROM ANY WALK OF LIFE!!!

STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS OR NO ONE ELSE EVER WILL!!!!!

 

Please hear my words and take them to the deepest part of your heart NOW.

 

Much peace,love and the best of luck to you, (we do basically make our own luck you know...and as John Lennon said..."the love you take is equal to the love you make" )

 

 

 

 

[color=red][/color]

[Abused]

How were you abused, dreamer?