Can't cope after a year and a half?

[wysiwyg6000]

My girlfriend and I broke up about a year and a half ago, after going out for about a year and a half. I was so positive that she was the one that I haven't been able to let go. Our breakup wasn't very destructive, but she was in a bad place at that time and we had to split. Recently, she's been running into my family members at the most oddest places and I took it as a sign from god that I should reach out to her. I should also mention that I found out she was seeing someone since around August/September. I know that she's still with this guy, but figured he wasn't anything serious. So I decided to send her a letter telling her how I still care for her and how I've worked to resolve our differences in my life. It was my first contact with her since we broke up a year and a half ago. Since then, I've traveled, have nearly completed my graduate degree and have been helping my sister raise her two kids, so I've experienced quite a bit in this time.

 

She wrote me back that they've been going out for a year now, he moved in with her, they're talking about getting engaged and have been virtually inseparable since they met. We were exactly the same way as well. This is basically where I was with her about 2 years ago, only I didn't move in with her because I didn't think it was smart in case we broke up. Sure enough, we broke up 5 months later because things were bad in her life and we had some slight ideological differences (that frankly could have been resolved by meeting me in the middle) and she couldn't deal with them. I'm so ****ing heartbroken over this because I held out hope for this long and truly believed that we were meant to be, but can't seem to cope with all of this. I keep bursting into hysterics and my family keeps telling me that I have to get over this, but I can't for some reason. I've tried to find someone else during the past year and have been unsuccessful.

Edited July 9, 2011 by wysiwyg6000

[TheVSilent]

My girlfriend and I broke up about a year and a half ago, after going out for about a year and a half. I was so positive that she was the one that I haven't been able to let go. Our breakup wasn't very destructive, but she was in a bad place at that time and we had to split. Recently, she's been running into my family members at the most oddest places and I took it as a sign from god that I should reach out to her. I should also mention that I found out she was seeing someone since around August/September. I know that she's still with this guy, but figured he wasn't anything serious. So I decided to send her a letter telling her how I still care for her and how I've worked to resolve our differences in my life. It was my first contact with her since we broke up a year and a half ago. Since then, I've traveled, have nearly completed my graduate degree and have been helping my sister raise her two kids, so I've experienced quite a bit in this time.

 

She wrote me back that they've been going out for a year now, he moved in with her, they're talking about getting engaged and have been virtually inseparable since they met. We were exactly the same way as well. This is basically where I was with her about 2 years ago, only I didn't move in with her because I didn't think it was smart in case we broke up. Sure enough, we broke up 5 months later because things were bad in her life and we had some slight ideological differences (that frankly could have been resolved by meeting me in the middle) and she couldn't deal with them. I'm so ****ing heartbroken over this because I held out hope for this long and truly believed that we were meant to be, but can't seem to cope with all of this. I keep bursting into hysterics and my family keeps telling me that I have to get over this, but I can't for some reason. I've tried to find someone else during the past year and have been unsuccessful.

 

 

Well, take this as the real sign from God, and move on. Trust me man, it's hard, I'm dealing with a break up, we all are, but I'm 2 months out with NC and I hold very little hope if any at this point. If they want us, they will contact us somehow.

[theseeker]

You need to tell yourself to forgive her and let her go. You kept feelings for her all this time because you thought, in the future, you two might get back together. Now you feel like you've wasted your time. You didn't waste time, obviously - look at all the great stuff you have achieved since.

And stop telling yourself the whole 'she is the only one for me, I'll never be able to find someone else' line. IT IS NOT TRUE. You'll find someone else, or they will find you. In the meantime, work on yourself and keep on keeping on.

 

I think it just reopened an old wound, that's all. You need to get a grip, get out and about, and find yourself a new and fresh romance to be a part of!

[wysiwyg6000]

You need to tell yourself to forgive her and let her go. You kept feelings for her all this time because you thought, in the future, you two might get back together. Now you feel like you've wasted your time. You didn't waste time, obviously - look at all the great stuff you have achieved since.

And stop telling yourself the whole 'she is the only one for me, I'll never be able to find someone else' line. IT IS NOT TRUE. You'll find someone else, or they will find you. In the meantime, work on yourself and keep on keeping on.

 

I think it just reopened an old wound, that's all. You need to get a grip, get out and about, and find yourself a new and fresh romance to be a part of!

 

I think the worst part about this whole thing is that I've been searching for her replacement for a year now. I just can't find anyone I'm interested in or is interested in me back. It just really hurts me that she's on the path to getting married to this guy and I can't even find anyone at this point, yet she was the one who treated me like garbage in the end and initiated the breakup because she wasn't "happy", even though I took care of this woman so much.

[theseeker]

I think the worst part about this whole thing is that I've been searching for her replacement for a year now. I just can't find anyone I'm interested in or is interested in me back. It just really hurts me that she's on the path to getting married to this guy and I can't even find anyone at this point, yet she was the one who treated me like garbage in the end and initiated the breakup because she wasn't "happy", even though I took care of this woman so much.

 

I have no experience with the emotional hardship you are going through, it sounds awful. (I have been heartbroken for a whole year, though. That kind of prolonged heartache is the worst torture known to human kind!) But, from an objective inexperienced viewpoint, it seems like you may need to mentally decide that you are going to stop comparing your life with hers. I know its tempting, but you are a completely different person now - you said so yourself. She may be engaged, but has she grown and achieved all the things you have? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't matter, what matters is you.

You gave your all in the relationship, but she treated you like garbage and broke up with you. That is harsh. And much of your pain is from feeling like you failed. Even though you loved her and wanted the two of you to build your life together, you feel as if you weren't enough for her. You didn't make her happy. But please understand that it isn't your fault. It isn't her fault, either. You must let this go, stop trying to figure it out, and accept the fact that it simply wasn't meant to be. But, that doesn't mean that the time you spent together with her was a waste of time. Loving someone is a great thing, even if it is unrequited. You know now that you have the capacity to do so, don't you? And the pain and hardship you can't help but feeling now will slowly turn into self growth. With time, these dark days you are experiencing now will slowly get brighter and brighter. What you don't realize is that, even when you are in your bed crying to yourself at night, you are becoming more and more aware of who YOU are. You have to take time to learn about yourself, how great you are and how great you will be in the future.

 

Maybe you haven't found another romance because you are not meant to rebound from this, you are meant to wait this out, endure this pain, and develop as a person. Think of it like this: the more emotional heartbreak you experience, and the longer you go with this unbearable pain, the stronger, more emotionally stable and greater you will be when you finally find peace.

And you will find peace.

 

Until then, maybe my first reply was wrong, maybe you should stop looking for someone to replace her. She treated you like garbage, even though she knew that you loved her! Why would you want that again? Tell yourself that you need this break to recoup. Now, you might say "but its been a YEAR!", make it two years, why not three? Time doesn't matter, what matters is your emotional well-being. What matters is you. Not her. This is not a race, this is your life. Don't feel like you have to live it at the same pace.

 

You will find peace eventually, and when you do you will find someone who you DO make happy, insanely happy, and she will do the same for you. You won't think of your relationship with her as work, or 'taking care of her', or sacrificing for her. Sure, you will work and take care of her and sacrifice - but you will do it because the love is real and selfless. It won't feel negative. It will be all positive. She will treat you like you are the greatest man on the planet, she will build you up - not treat you like trash. And she won't expect anything in return. And you will do the same for her, without any effort at all. That is selflessness, that is when you know its real and meant to be.

Edited July 10, 2011 by theseeker

[theseeker]

I think the worst part about this whole thing is that I've been searching for her replacement for a year now. I just can't find anyone I'm interested in or is interested in me back. It just really hurts me that she's on the path to getting married to this guy and I can't even find anyone at this point, yet she was the one who treated me like garbage in the end and initiated the breakup because she wasn't "happy", even though I took care of this woman so much.

 

I have no experience with the emotional hardship you are going through, it sounds awful. (I have been heartbroken for a whole year, though. That kind of prolonged heartache is the worst torture known to human kind!) But, from an objective inexperienced viewpoint, it seems like you may need to mentally decide that you are going to stop comparing your life with hers. I know its tempting, but you are a completely different person now - you said so yourself. She may be engaged, but has she grown and achieved all the things you have? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't matter, what matters is you.

You gave your all in the relationship, but she treated you like garbage and broke up with you. That is harsh. And much of your pain is from feeling like you failed. Even though you loved her and wanted the two of you to build your life together, you feel as if you weren't enough for her. You didn't make her happy. But please understand that it isn't your fault. It isn't her fault, either. You must let this go, stop trying to figure it out, and accept the fact that it simply wasn't meant to be. But, that doesn't mean that the time you spent together with her was a waste of time. Loving someone is a great thing, even if it is unrequited. You know now that you have the capacity to do so, don't you? And the pain and hardship you can't help but feeling now will slowly turn into self growth. With time, these dark days you are experiencing now will slowly get brighter and brighter. What you don't realize is that, even when you are in your bed crying to yourself at night, you are becoming more and more aware of who YOU are. You have to take time to learn about yourself, how great you are and how great you will be in the future.

 

You haven't found another romance because you are not meant to rebound from this, you are meant to wait this out, endure this pain, and develop as a person. Think of it like this: the more emotional heartbreak you experience, and the longer you go with this unbearable pain, the stronger, more emotionally stable and greater you will be when you finally find peace.

And you will find peace.

 

Until then, stop looking for someone to replace her. She treated you like garbage, even though she knew that you loved her! Why would you want that again? Tell yourself that you need this break to recoup. Now, you might say "but its been a YEAR!", make it two years, why not three? Time doesn't matter, what matters is your emotional well-being. What matters is you. Not her.

You will find peace, and when you do you will find someone who you WILL make happy, insanely happy, and she will do the same for you. You won't think of your relationship with her as work, or 'taking care of her', or sacrificing for her. Sure, you will work and take care of her and sacrifice - but you will do it because the love is real and selfless. It won't feel negative. It will be all positive. She will treat you like you are the greatest man on the planet, she will build you up - not turn you down. And she won't expect anything in return. And you will do the same for her. That is selflessness, that is when you know its real, that its meant to be.

[wysiwyg6000]

You will find peace eventually, and when you do you will find someone who you DO make happy, insanely happy, and she will do the same for you. You won't think of your relationship with her as work, or 'taking care of her', or sacrificing for her. Sure, you will work and take care of her and sacrifice - but you will do it because the love is real and selfless. It won't feel negative. It will be all positive. She will treat you like you are the greatest man on the planet, she will build you up - not treat you like trash. And she won't expect anything in return. And you will do the same for her, without any effort at all. That is selflessness, that is when you know its real and meant to be.

 

The worst part is that what you described just now was her, at least for the first year. It was only after that did she start to treat me like crap and I think it's because she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was about 2 years ago to to the day that she broke down in tears one night as we went to bed and said that she didn't know if I was the one for her. Her mother was very meddlesome in our relationship and kept trying to get rid of me from the start. The father is no bargain either. They both control her big time, so it bothers me that this guy moved in with her and seemingly has her family's approval when I never did. If it wasn't for them, she and I would still be together and that's just what kills me the most. It's not something that I did or didn't do, it's the fact that these people railed me out when I did nothing wrong to anyone and broke up a perfectly good relationship. Now here I am 2 years later, crying in my bed over her still because I kept thinking that she would come back, meanwhile, she's nice and comfy cozy in her bed with this guy dreaming about her future with him. It's horrible. I feel like there's no justice in the world because she was rewarded for what she did to me and I was punished somehow. The roles should be reversed.

Edited July 10, 2011 by wysiwyg6000

[Rockyb87]

You haven't found another romance because you are not meant to rebound from this, you are meant to wait this out, endure this pain, and develop as a person. Think of it like this: the more emotional heartbreak you experience, and the longer you go with this unbearable pain, the stronger, more emotionally stable and greater you will be when you finally find peace.

And you will find peace.

 

Seeker, i think that made my whole day and possibly my whole insight on things now. Lately ive been trying to find someone like right now bc im trying to replace this pain with something else to distract me from it but maybe im not supposed to find someone right now, maybe i am supposed to wait it out and learn from this pain, that way when i do find someone or when they find me i'll already have become stronger from it all.

 

You will find peace, and when you do you will find someone who you WILL make happy, insanely happy, and she will do the same for you. You won't think of your relationship with her as work, or 'taking care of her', or sacrificing for her. Sure, you will work and take care of her and sacrifice - but you will do it because the love is real and selfless. It won't feel negative. It will be all positive. She will treat you like you are the greatest man on the planet, she will build you up - not turn you down. And she won't expect anything in return. And you will do the same for her. That is selflessness, that is when you know its real, that its meant to be.

 

Also I tell myself this all the time "That everything is going to be alright, that i will find somebody worth my time and that she will everything that i ever asked for and then some. She will be the most beautiful girl ever and she will be with me, she will make me happy for the rest of my life. And that she will give me all her love and I will give hers."

[theseeker]

If it wasn't for them, she and I would still be together and that's just what kills me the most.

Are you sure about that? Try not to blame her parents, or situations either.

 

It's not something that I did or didn't do

exactly

 

meanwhile, she's nice and comfy cozy in her bed with this guy dreaming about her future with him.

You don't know that for sure.

 

It's horrible. I feel like there's no justice in the world because she was rewarded for what she did to me and I was punished somehow. The roles should be reversed.

You're right. It is unjust.

 

But, for whatever reason, this is how it happened. You must accept that, and let this go. You must accept what you cannot control, because you have no other choice. You have to roll with the punches. Stop thinking about what could have happened, and start thinking about what to do now. What next steps should you take to repair your soul? This will take time. Time and internal insight will be what saves you and what helps you grow.

Listen, this **** is tough, its reality, it hurts. But what I'm trying to say is that you aren't being punished, and she isn't being rewarded. The roles are reversed, you just can't see that yet because your misery is still more powerful than your peace of mind. But, with time, this will change. And you will feel yourself, day by day, little by little, come to terms with the horrible injustice that has happened to you. You will begin to understand what I am trying to say.

 

Here is a quote that helped me a lot when I was asking similar questions and feeling similar things that you are feeling now:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

-Elizabeth Ros

This quote is EXACTLY what I am trying to say. You are being rewarded with growth, what you are feeling and communicating now are simply growing pains.

 

Please, just trust me on this. You might be thinking that your situation is different and that you are hopeless and will be alone and sad for the rest of your days. You have convinced yourself that nobody else will love you or be able to be loved by you, that you will never feel the same way about anyone ever again. But this is simply you putting yourself down for feeling as if you've failed. You will love again, and the next time around will be even better. It is like training for the Olympics, you have to suffer and endure the pain and self doubt and an overwhelming sense of yearning - but once you win the gold you will know what all that hardship all that time was for. It will have been worth it.

 

I am so sure of this that I want you to make a promise: when you finally reach the point where you have achieved your peace of mind (and you will know what peace of mind feels like, especially after going so long without it), will you please promise to come back and reread this thread?

If you do you will understand what I am saying. Right now, your thoughts are fogged by heartbreak, and it is difficult for you to comprehend the fact that things will end up better than they ever were before.

 

Here is a little advice that I texted to my best friend one night in April. It had been a month after she had broken up with her boyfriend of 7 years. Yeah, heavy stuff. She was tearing herself apart, saying that being single and alone made her hate herself. This is exactly what I texted her back:

 

Me: I actually kind of envy the pain you are going through because you are going to be such a confident self reliant independent and happy person once you get over it.

 

Her: What if this is how I will be forever? No one will love me if I hate me.

 

Me: It wont' last forever, it just seems like it will. It is kind of like a hallway where the light switch is on one end of the hallway and you are on the other. You have got to walk through the dark hallway, not being able to see, blindly feeling the walls for the light switch. It feels like you might never find your way, or find the switch to turn the light on. But if you just keep working at it, if you keep looking and feeling through the dark, you will find the switch. When you turn the light on you will find that, lo and behold, you made it to the other end of the hall. You won't be afraid of the dark anymore. You will be all the more fearless.

 

She told me that she really thought about what I had texted her, and that it made her feel much much better.

I'm telling you because I hope it makes you feel better as well.

*virtual hug*

Edited July 11, 2011 by theseeker

[theseeker]

Seeker, i think that made my whole day and possibly my whole insight on things now. Lately ive been trying to find someone like right now bc im trying to replace this pain with something else to distract me from it but maybe im not supposed to find someone right now, maybe i am supposed to wait it out and learn from this pain, that way when i do find someone or when they find me i'll already have become stronger from it all.

 

YAY!!!! I can't tell you how happy I am that I helped someone see this a little bit more clearly! Rebound relationships are the worst thing you can do for your soul. They give instant gratification, sure, but the consequences are far greater and long lasting than the short moments of forced happiness you experience. Not only do rebound relationships numb your ability to face your fears and heartache, not only do they stunt your ability to grow and learn about yourself, but they also end up hurting someone else! Hurting others for your own selfish gain will add guilt onto the list of pain you are already feeling. You will end up convincing yourself that you are a monster. Nobody is a monster, people are simply people, nobody wants to be alone. But sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, we must be alone in order to face ourselves and our thoughts, to not be distracted, and to figure ourselves out. Its a hard journey, and sometimes it seems like the journey is nonsensical and has no ending or destination. But, you will know when you've reached your destination when you get there, and you will be all the more courageous, happy, and proud of yourself for going through with it.

 

 

 

Also I tell myself this all the time "That everything is going to be alright, that i will find somebody worth my time and that she will everything that i ever asked for and then some. She will be the most beautiful girl ever and she will be with me, she will make me happy for the rest of my life. And that she will give me all her love and I will give hers."

That is a fact. You should even say it out loud once in a while, even if you are sitting by yourself in your room. Say it out loud until you believe what you are saying. Put the words out into the world. This may sound a bit crazy, but I believe you have to TELL fate what you want before fate can know to give it to you. And don't ask for anything less than exactly what you want! You've got the right attitude, and that is what will make the difference.

Edited July 11, 2011 by theseeker

[childishregrets]

Not only do rebound relationships numb your ability to face your fears and heartache, not only do they stunt your ability to grow and learn about yourself, but they also end up hurting someone else! Hurting others for your own selfish gain will add guilt onto the list of pain you are already feeling. You will end up convincing yourself that you are a monster. Nobody is a monster, people are simply people, nobody wants to be alone. But sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, we must be alone in order to face ourselves and our thoughts, to not be distracted, and to figure ourselves out. Its a hard journey, and sometimes it seems like the journey is nonsensical and has no ending or destination. But, you will know when you've reached your destination when you get there, and you will be all the more courageous, happy, and proud of yourself for going through with it.

In a way he is right.I can tell u from experience i mourned a 3 yr relationship for 4 years as i thought i had pushed away the "one" and every dating attempt in those 4 years failed due to me not dealing with my emotions and pain.now all these years of singledom i feel have made me see the light finally.i know now what went wrong, from my side and hers thats how much time i have had to figure this out and sometimes it feels like a blessing but another part of me feels sad that i may of spent all this time alone working on myself and missed out on the good girls as well so its a DOUBLE EDGED SWORD and must be used wisely.

 

i feel transformed and ready for the "one" now BUT im still single

 

My ex on the other had was flirting from the day she forced me to dump her, i know now i was duped into that, my contact with her went from clingy to zero, i tried to get my stuff from her home and she would miss the appointment due to being with him, i rang her at work and begged and got called HIS name, i was utterly replaced within a month. she was moved in with him inside 6 weeks and guess what, they are now engaged and have a baby.

 

she met him as an 18 year old, he was a father already and her dad had left her when she was young so she had dad issues and was violent.this girl done the same to me when imet her as i had to fight with like 3 diff guys and she was cold for about 6 month, i hated her for that and she done the exact same thing to her fiance with ME(AGAIN) and has not worked on herself or her issues outside of a relationship and i havent spoken to her since the day she left.

 

whos happier and better off the reflector or the serial rebounder? i dont feel happy thats for sure where as her facebook she DOES look happy and is going to get married.

 

its a really confusing subject and there are no proper guidelines, i will tell u this though, DO NOT waste time on this 2 years max after that go find that girl mate any longer and u will regret it, and if this girl cant put you over her parents either mate she doesnt deserve you at all, shes not willing to put you first and its unacceptable imo.

 

 

best of luck mate and keep ur head up eh?

Edited July 11, 2011 by childishregrets