should i be jealous of this situation with my girlfriends ex?

[k100danny]

Basically i have been dating this girl for a short while, we have been friends for a long time and she has always been very honest with me to the point were i sometimes wish she wasnt haha.

 

well around a year ago she split with her ex of 5 years, she said the relationship was basically over for the last year also, now obviously she has some of the same friends and she is still friendly with his sister ect and i know the speak from time to time as they have a dog together and she lets him take the dog for the weekend ect. well recently she helped him out short term financially which i think is fine as there dont seem to be any feelings on her part anyway but he has now asked her if he can take her for dinner to say thank you and repay her the money, basically she said she agreed as his little girl wanted to see her and she has seen her grow up ect which is understandable. she did tell me beforehand about this and said there is nothing in it, she wouldnt have gone if it hadnt have been for the girl wanting to see her and felt she couldnt say no.

 

now when she told me and asked how i felt about it i said i was unsure of how to feel about it but i understood (i think) i did admit that it bothered me slightly but in no way have made out i would like her not to go. do you think it unreasonable to be jealous or mad about this?

 

this is my first relationship in a few years and only my second serious relationship. ive never had to deal with an ex before. any help much appreciated.

[in_absentia]

It seems reasonable to feel at least a bit jealous about this situation, I wouldn't want my partner hanging out with his exes etc. but as there's a child involved it sounds as though you're all trying to be grown up.

 

The answer? She shoulda invited you along to the dinner, even if only as friends infront of the kid. It's just rude not to and it shows that she is showing you first hand there's nothing to worry about.

[k100danny]

Yeah i mean she is honest. it isnt her child but i can understand her not wanting to not see her again. she is around 14 years old now i think. it just seems to me he is using his girl to get her to agree to meet him as he has asked if she would like to go to dinner before and she has always made excuses or refused to go.

[robdrm32]

Should you? thats up to you to decide. You probably are since you are posting here.

 

If you are comfortable with her keeping an ongoing friendship with her ex then let it go. If not, draw a line in the sand.

 

And i don't mean that as "You can't see him anymore i wont allow it"

 

Ask her if she envisions a time when her ex is out of her life entirely.

 

You have to decide if you can handle him being a part of your life going forward as well. Think down the road, are you really going to be ok with him showing up every now and then, asking her to dinners etc. 6 months from now? a year?

 

Yeah its a long way off but if you let it continue it will.

[rafallus]

Have you met him?

[Chi townD]

Well, I think that you can be honest with her. You can tell her that you trust her, but you don't trust this guy. You can say that you trust she no longer has feelings for this guy but if this guy is still harboring feelings for her, then it really isn't being fair to him. Kinda filling him up with false hope when he should be free to move on and find a relationship that will work for him.

 

This way, you're making it seem that she didn't do anything wrong and you're point out the other possibilities of why you're having issues with her going out to dinner with an Ex.

[Try]

do you think it unreasonable to be jealous or mad about this?

No it is not unreasonable to be jealous. You are jealous because you know in your heart that he may not be over her and that she may not be over him. Bringing the daughter is just window dressing to allow him to be able to court her again. In fact, there is a very good chance that the daughter is openly in on it with him since she wants you back with her dad. When I was a teenager, my Dad played a similar card in trying to win my Mother back.

 

Stand up for yourself. Tell her that you want to come to the dinner to meet her ex. If they are over and she only wants to see the daughter again, there is no reason for her not to take you. What you do if she refuses will set the stage for your relationship with her going forward. There are moments in time when your action or inaction could have long term repercussions on your future. This may be one of them.

 

Good luck and be strong. Let us know how it worked out.

[keepsmilin74]

Go to the dinner with them.

[k100danny]

Well she went to the dinner, its was an early evening thing and i wasnt really that bothered when it came to the actual day.

 

Basically when she was asked she said ok because of the daughter but she then said she was going to cancel, but this is where i think he was being sneaky. his daughter sent her a message saying i really cant wait to see you wich i think may have been done to make sure she went.

 

She said it was very awkward, she was only there around 1 hour and spoke to me as soon as she left, she said it was awkward and they had absolutely nothing to talk about but she enjoyed seeing the daughter again. before she went she did say she was very sorry and that it wouldnt be happening again. she thanked me for understanding and said i have absolutely nothing to worry about.

 

Now we have a couple of close friends in common and i spoke with one of then and she said she is 100% certain she doesnt have feelings for her ex and even though they fully broke up around 8 months ago the relationship ended before this.

 

I feel ok about the situation now but i do tend to over analyze things. the relationship is in its early stages and ive decided to try and not worry about things. this should be the happy time.

[PegNosePete]

Dude I don't think you over analysed at all. It is pretty inappropriate for your GF to go to dinner with another guy without you. How would she feel if you went out on a dinner date with another girl? (Ex or not, daughter or not, makes no difference - the fact is she went on a date with another guy and YOU were not invited, that is the bottom line)

 

Good that it worked out OK in the end, hopefully she has learned her lesson and it really won't happen again. But I am afraid you have showed her that you will accept this kind of behaviour. I would say that you're in danger of setting a precedent, from now on it is doubly important to prevent this kind of thing happening again, with anyone else (not just the ex). You need to put your foot down and establish the boundaries in your relationship. Going on dinner dates with other people is NOT acceptable, whatever the circumstances/excuse/ulterior motive.

 

If he still has feelings for her, then she should steer clear of him, no matter that she doesn't have any for him. She should not remain friends or do this strange "dog sharing" thing while he still has feelings. That is just asking for trouble and awkward situations.