Separated, want to go home

[Kathy]

My husband and I separated 2 months ago. We are seeing each other again, and I want to move back home, but he does not want to end up back in the same situation - not getting along, not speaking to each other, etc. He seems to be coping with the separation better than me - of course he is living in our house, has the same job, etc., and I am in a tiny apt and have had a lot of major changes in my life.

 

I am afraid he may be getting "too comfortable" in this new situation. He is not wearing his wedding ring, and seems happy living alone with me just coming over every few days and us talking on the phone.

 

How can I get him to WANT me home????? Should I back way off?? Guys - your advice is especially appreciated.

[Tony T]

Your husband is at peace now with no disharmony. That is what a man wants in his home. Now, there are two sides to every story and he was probably a fifty-percent cause of the problems the two of you had...but nevertheless he is enjoying not having to argue, not getting or giving the silent treatment, etc., everything he wanted in a marriage.

 

The world is harsh and cruel. Our home, our husband, our wife, all of those are supposed to be a loving and peaceful oasis that we can come to and be shielded. Yes, there will be disagreemtns from time to time...but a steady diet of that is a bunch of crap. Both of you obviously lost sight of what a marriage is all about and now he is experiencing ALONE the peace and harmony he got married for.

 

Make him a deal. You will move back into your home, which you have the legal and moral right to do as his wife. Agree that both of you will go into counselling and work together to create the kind of atmosphere that is conducive to a healthy marriage and family. Agree that if things get out of hand again after the two of you have made such a strong committment to prevent it, then you will continue the separation (which in the majority of cases ends in divorce.)

 

If you want to save your marriage, you better negotiate today to get back with him and work this out...and both of you need to act like married, mature adults and not like children.

 

Also, go to a counsellor and learn to argue constructively, where matters are resolved and there is no crazy silent treatment. Learn it is NOT important to be right. Being right does not get you a higher place in heaven, a pay raise at work, better food to eat...or anything else. Why argue about stupid stuff when there is NO PAYOFF EXCEPT TO HAVE YOUR MARRIAGE COME TO AN END. As long as you know inside that you are right, it's no sweat off your back to give in sometimes. Compromises are really nice too.

 

A good counsellor can offer the two of you insight as to why there are so many incompatibilities in your belief systems that you have to argue and will give you strategies to work these issues out in a way both of you feel good about.

 

I think this separation has helped you see and feel some important things. Let him know that. You are a different person now and hopefully he is too and the combination should be a winner if BOTH OF YOU wants to be married.

 

P.S. On occasion, disagreements are positive and healthy in a marriage. They help two people grow but hopefully this growth is together...and not apart.

[Deejette]

Tony is right, you must make a deal with him that you will work to make the marriage right. But it sounds like he has already moved on in some ways and you are the one who wants to keep it going. If you are the one who is making all the arrangements to see and be with him, maybe it really is time to move on.

Your husband is at peace now with no disharmony. That is what a man wants in his home. Now, there are two sides to every story and he was probably a fifty-percent cause of the problems the two of you had...but nevertheless he is enjoying not having to argue, not getting or giving the silent treatment, etc., everything he wanted in a marriage.

 

The world is harsh and cruel. Our home, our husband, our wife, all of those are supposed to be a loving and peaceful oasis that we can come to and be shielded. Yes, there will be disagreemtns from time to time...but a steady diet of that is a bunch of crap. Both of you obviously lost sight of what a marriage is all about and now he is experiencing ALONE the peace and harmony he got married for. Make him a deal. You will move back into your home, which you have the legal and moral right to do as his wife. Agree that both of you will go into counselling and work together to create the kind of atmosphere that is conducive to a healthy marriage and family. Agree that if things get out of hand again after the two of you have made such a strong committment to prevent it, then you will continue the separation (which in the majority of cases ends in divorce.) If you want to save your marriage, you better negotiate today to get back with him and work this out...and both of you need to act like married, mature adults and not like children. Also, go to a counsellor and learn to argue constructively, where matters are resolved and there is no crazy silent treatment. Learn it is NOT important to be right. Being right does not get you a higher place in heaven, a pay raise at work, better food to eat...or anything else. Why argue about stupid stuff when there is NO PAYOFF EXCEPT TO HAVE YOUR MARRIAGE COME TO AN END. As long as you know inside that you are right, it's no sweat off your back to give in sometimes. Compromises are really nice too. A good counsellor can offer the two of you insight as to why there are so many incompatibilities in your belief systems that you have to argue and will give you strategies to work these issues out in a way both of you feel good about. I think this separation has helped you see and feel some important things. Let him know that. You are a different person now and hopefully he is too and the combination should be a winner if BOTH OF YOU wants to be married. P.S. On occasion, disagreements are positive and healthy in a marriage. They help two people grow but hopefully this growth is together...and not apart.

[Kathy]

My husband is bi-polar and refuses to take his meds. I love the "good" husband, but the "bad" one gives me the silent treatment for weeks at a time, and can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. He does not - or cannot - see his 2 personalities and the huge mood swings. Or possibly he just does not want to face them. We have been in counseling, but the same situation exists there - denial on his part. He has been prescribed 4 different medications in the past which he took for brief periods, but now refuses all medicine. When his mood swings upward he is the nicest, most loving husband in the world - when he is in his "black hole" there is nothing I can do to help him.

 

I have been told I can either be healthy alone or sick with him. Isn't there anything I can do? We do have wonderful periods of happiness when his mood is more even - but stress from work, self-esteem issues - so many things send him into a downward spiral. He is 47 and things seem to have gotten worse in the past year.

 

Thanks again for any help.

 

Kathy

[Tony T]

I don't need to tell you about bipolar mood disorder. I know you have read all you can about it.

 

You situation will continue exactly as it has unless you make the decision to leave. If you think things have gotten worse in the last year, wait a few more years. I don't think it's fair to you to stay around this guy if he refuses to take his medication. Moodswings can be really wild.

 

Why did you fail to mention this most important fact in your initial post??? You have to understand that his unwillingness to take his medication or otherwise deal with his brain chemistry problem is a critical element of your situation.

 

You do not have a good future here with this man. I'm sorry.

[Kathy]

I guess I didn't mention it because he has never actually been tested for bipolar disorder,and I sometimes feel like I have pushed that diagnosis on him. We have seen a total of 3 counselors, and all seem to feel this is where the problem lies, but he refuses to be tested. He obviously knows that something is wrong because he has been willing to take medication at times, but I think the denial is stronger than his acceptance of any illness.

You are right, I have read quite a bit about bipolar disorder. Sadly, I have also been reading about codependency. I think I have lost myself in being in love with this man. I just constantly battle wanting to be with the man I know he can/could be,and wanting to learn to live without someone who won't admit to or accept treatment for a disorder. I know he is lonely, but he keeps busy to keep his mind off of it. He recently bought a computer and I foresee him spending a lot of time on it too. I asked if he had an ISP and he said no - this was a lie - I could easily see he has internet access and had even been receiving email as of the day before. Lying seems to go hand-in-hand with his disorder. Lies allow him to have his own space and retreat.

 

I guess the real issue now lies within me. How to separate myself from this man mentally now that I have done it physically. How to accept that I can't change him and move on. I constantly battle with feelings of just wanting to be with him, sleep next to him, take care of him. I don't know what I would do with someone who actually wanted to take care of me!

 

Thoughts?

 

kathy

[Tony T]

If this man were truly trying to recover and make himself better by seeking treatment, I would advise you to stick around. From his perspective, he is probably pretty bright and terrified to face the fact that he has a brain chemistry problem in the realm of mental illness which he has no control over...without proper medication. Basically, he is in a great state of denial.

 

The fact is that he is NOT willing to seek treatment and he will only get worse. Being around him when he is rapid cycling or mostly down will drive you nuts and you too can develop psychotic symptoms of another sort over time. Don't do that to yourself.

 

For preservation of your own sanity, you need to leave this man. If you were married to him, it would be many times more difficult to divorce him in his mental state. The relationship is not productive, you will never grow in it, the world is not a better place for it, and you are facing consequences you don't deserve.

 

If you love yourself, if you care about the circumstances of the only live you will ever live on this planet, if you desire a loving, healthy relationship with a man, if you want to grow and prosper, if you want to evolve more fully as a human being yourself, then move on down the road now and chalk this experience up to part of your growing process.

 

When you encounter a man who does not act generally or treat you in a fashion you feel you are able to accept right then and there without serious modification, GET AWAY THAT MINUTE!!!

 

Only you can make the decision to move on now. If you care anything at all about yourself or your life, you will get away from this man TODAY!!! You are separated so the biggest part of a break up is already completed.

 

And that's my final answer. I wish you luck in your new, more fruitful, rewarding, stimulating, carefree life!!!