NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 My boyfriend doesn't like to think about my dating past. I get that, I really do. Nobody wants to think of someone they love with someone else. However, at almost 32 I do have some years of relationships behind me. I'm wondering what is considered normal jealousy and what is over the top. I'm mostly interested in what men think. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 My boyfriend doesn't like to think about my dating past. Does he actively bug you about your past? Or how does it show otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Does he actively bug you about your past? Or how does it show otherwise? Sometimes he will ask me questions and I give honest answers. Those times seem to go ok. However, if I bring up something unsolicited that goes terribly. For example, once I brought up what I thought I did wrong in past relationships and how I was trying to improve on that and he got really upset. Once I sent him a song about a yo-yo, unhealthy, super back and forth pretty abusive relationship and was going to try to use that as a segway to tell him about a relationship I had that was like that. I'm very embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I was in something like that so long and it was very hard for me to try to talk about. Needless to say I didn't get very far. He got very short with me and logged off skype. (We are not in an LDR, he travels sometimes.) If anything sexual is ever mentioned he pretty much flips out. He says he's not judging me, but I do feel judged. It's not like I had a bunch of wild crazy sex with a bunch of random guys. I've never had a ONS or a FWB or any kind of casual sex. I've only had sex in long term relationships. Most every relationship I've been in has lasted 2 years or so, so it's not like I've had tons of those. My LTRs in my early, aka high school, days weren't even sexual! He was with his ex wife for 10 years, and while it kind of bothers me that he had all those intimate moments and a child with her I don't flip out over it. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 He says he's not judging me, but I do feel judged. He is judging you and holding you to some ridiculous standards of holiness. I'm afraid that unless he'll get rid of this whole Madonna/Whore thing, it will fail. Does he realize, how you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 He is judging you and holding you to some ridiculous standards of holiness. I'm afraid that unless he'll get rid of this whole Madonna/Whore thing, it will fail. Does he realize, how you feel? Actually...I did tell him that last night. We had a long talk about the whole thing. He apologized a lot and said he never meant to make me feel that way. He said that it was that he felt more protective of me than anything else and that he has never felt the urge to be protective so strongly before. I've had a rough 6 years or so with family dying, terrible abusive relationships/divorce, and regular ole life happening on top of that. I've told him about it, so I see where the protective thing comes in. I think it's more that he gets angry that some loser would get the time of day from me and he's mad that some men out there would take advantage of me in any way. I'm too nice for my own good. My BF is super nice, awesome in every way, and takes care of me so I believe him when he says he didn't mean to make me feel that way and that it won't happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
April72 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 He has.... what is hopefully a mild case of.... retroactive jealousy. Google it. I think you will find the information helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 He has.... what is hopefully a mild case of.... retroactive jealousy. Google it. I think you will find the information helpful. it absolutely sounds like classic Retro Jealousy. There are a of reasons & causes, most of them boil down to security issues. Talking about your past, particularly in any detail & especially any sexual details are going to be completely counter productive. It almost certainly has to do with his insecurities & not you past relationships but talking about your past fuels his RJ. This may be upsetting him even more than you are aware of & if it is he need to get some help for 'his' problem, for his sake first & your relationship ultimately. You could suggest that you & him might see a counselor together because you want to get past this in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
elleorbianca Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Honestly, I wouldn't discuss too much about how you were abused or in terrible relationships until you guys are really close. Unfortunately, guys take cues about how to treat you by how men treated you in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
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