In love with a married man

[trappedinlove]

Hi,

 

I had been reading up online to find answers for my messed up situation and came across this forum. I would appreciate if you guys don't judge me and help me instead. I already know what i have done is wrong. Here's my story.

 

 

I am 30 years old, married for a little over 5 years to my husband. We had a rocky relationship, and were on the verge of divorce many times. I still dont think we have a very sturdy relationship.

 

I recently changed jobs. Since the day of my interview, I was attracted to this coworker for some reason. We are in the same team, work together from time to time, go to happy hours a lot. We both were prtty strongly attracted to each other,gave up once, kissed.. and eventualy ended up in bed at a company retreat. We shared similar feelings for each other. He is been together with his wife for a long time, and married for few years. He was pretty happy and is happy in married life. And he is about 4 years younger than me.

 

We are falling pretty badly in love with each other and it is hard to get out. Not that we haven't tried. We decided to break up a few times, and stopped it as well. But we fell right back into it as soon as we saw each other.

 

Neither of us have kids right now, and both are planning. I am quite confused, cuz if i start thinking about love, and how things are meant to be n stuff, I feel like he is the right guy for me. I have a very secure and comfortable life with my husband, but i dont feel love and attraction. And we argue and fight pretty often over trivial things. We both make good money workwise.

 

He has said to me a few times that he is not leaving his wife until he is sure that if he leaves her, i will be there for him and he will end up marrying me. I am the same way, I do not have much family support, and i will not leave my husband until i am sure that he is the one.

 

I did feel guilty initially, but now i do not feel guilty at all in front of my husband. Things are becoming more like routine and the coworker and I don't seem to stop. I do want to stop though. We have talked about this that if i get pregnant or if his wife does, we will stop immediately. But my point is, if we have to stop eventually, we should stop right now. I don't want to be hurt later. I don't know what to do about this. I am absolutely crazy about him. I have had a bad childhood, and since my husband and i do not have a very good relationship, i keep thinking he could be the one. And if he is, i dont want to let go of him. I love him. what I feel with him is something i never felt with my husband. Help me!

Hope to get some help and less judgement!

[KathyM]

Who do you think would make a better husband in the long run--someone who has been faithful to you, or someone who has cheated on his wife? As the saying goes, once a cheater, always a cheater. Imagine yourself with this guy down the road 10 years and after a couple of kids. He starts feeling married life is getting into a rut, meets an attractive woman in the office, and the same thing happens all over again. Imagine how you would feel if that happened to you after you've built a life with the guy. He's not a good prospect for marriage. Your own husband is where you should be investing your time and emotions and physical needs. If your relationship is not that good right now with him, then work on it. There is a lot you can do. Go to marriage counseling if necessary, but don't think the grass is greener somewhere else, because the same stuff happens on the other side of the fence eventually as well.

[fooled once]

Hi,

 

I had been reading up online to find answers for my messed up situation and came across this forum. I would appreciate if you guys don't judge me and help me instead. I already know what i have done is wrong. Here's my story.

 

 

I am 30 years old, married for a little over 5 years to my husband. We had a rocky relationship, and were on the verge of divorce many times. I still dont think we have a very sturdy relationship.

 

I recently changed jobs. Since the day of my interview, I was attracted to this coworker for some reason. We are in the same team, work together from time to time, go to happy hours a lot. We both were prtty strongly attracted to each other,gave up once, kissed.. and eventualy ended up in bed at a company retreat. We shared similar feelings for each other. He is been together with his wife for a long time, and married for few years. He was pretty happy and is happy in married life. And he is about 4 years younger than me.

 

We are falling pretty badly in love with each other and it is hard to get out. Not that we haven't tried. We decided to break up a few times, and stopped it as well. But we fell right back into it as soon as we saw each other.

 

**No, it isn't hard. You just don't want to. Own it.

 

Neither of us have kids right now, and both are planning. I am quite confused, cuz if i start thinking about love, and how things are meant to be n stuff, I feel like he is the right guy for me. I have a very secure and comfortable life with my husband, but i dont feel love and attraction. And we argue and fight pretty often over trivial things. We both make good money workwise.

 

He has said to me a few times that he is not leaving his wife until he is sure that if he leaves her, i will be there for him and he will end up marrying me. I am the same way, I do not have much family support, and i will not leave my husband until i am sure that he is the one.

 

**So he doesn't want to leave unless he has you to fall back on. Meaning, he can't be alone; he needs a woman. Yikes. Not a very confident person. And likewise for you. Both of you need to be truthful to your spouses and own up to what you are doing. NEITHER of your spouses deserve what you are doing to them.

 

I did feel guilty initially, but now i do not feel guilty at all in front of my husband. Things are becoming more like routine and the coworker and I don't seem to stop. I do want to stop though. We have talked about this that if i get pregnant or if his wife does, we will stop immediately. But my point is, if we have to stop eventually, we should stop right now. I don't want to be hurt later. I don't know what to do about this. I am absolutely crazy about him. I have had a bad childhood, and since my husband and i do not have a very good relationship, i keep thinking he could be the one. And if he is, i dont want to let go of him. I love him. what I feel with him is something i never felt with my husband. Help me!

Hope to get some help and less judgement!

 

Responses above in bold. You don't WANT to stop and I highly doubt you will stop once his wife is pregnant or you are pregnant. How are you going to know whose baby it is; your H's or the MM's?

 

You don't know what to do about this? You are joking right?

 

You tell your H the truth. You set him free. You give him the option if he decides to stay with you or dump you.

 

The MM isn't the one. He isn't yours. He is married to someone else.

 

Sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for you. You made your bed and you are lying in it. You say your relationship with your H is shakey - DUH. You are cheating on him and have NO guilt. You are rubbing his nose in it.

 

You know that the man you are having an affair with is actively having sex with his wife. He is trying to get HER pregnant. Yet, you are okay with being his second sex romp.

 

If you thought he was "the one' - you would divorce your husband immediately. But you don't want to be alone and will only leave if the MM leaves too. When people at your job find out, and they will, it will be all over the company. Are you okay with being the butt of company jokes, of having everyone know you were sleeping with a MM? You know you will be the one everyone talks about - you will be thought of as the homewrecker, not him.

 

If he thought you were "the one", he would NOT be actively making love to his wife. He would not want to touch her; yet, he is touching her, having sex with her and planning a child with her.

 

And you are okay with this? HOW does that equate to love at all????

 

How do you stop? You just do. You demand more for yourself than being someone's side piece. You own up to what you have done with your husband. He decides if he wants to forgive you or not. You go to counseling. You don't seem to have any remorse, so maybe counseling won't help. If your H sees you have no remorse, he may decide he wants nothing to do with you and does not want to reconcile.

 

But you do have choices. You can CHOOSE to stop the affair or you can CHOOSE to continue.

[chalkfarm]

Hi,

 

 

He has said to me a few times that he is not leaving his wife until he is sure that if he leaves her, i will be there for him and he will end up marrying me. I am the same way, I do not have much family support, and i will not leave my husband until i am sure that he is the one.

 

Oh Trapped.... Please be very careful! There are many horror stories on Love Shack about women who have left their marriages for their MM only to find that he is not willing to leave his W. The end to the affair. The end to the OW's marriage.

 

If I have come away with anything from my readings here on LS, I have learned that MM don't leave their wives. For the sake of clarity, I will repeat and bold - MM don't leave their wives.

 

If you feel that you need to stop the A, then try and do so. I mean really really try.

 

Others will say - "get a divorce first then have a fling", "divorce your husband as he deserves to find an honest woman". I say - try to remove yourself from the A before you get irreversibly damaged. The trauma that an A gone wrong causes the OW is absolutely overwhelming. I swear to God that the pain you will feel from ending the A today, is a mere speck compared to the disaster of the emotional train wreck that happens when MM doesn't leave his wife, or leaves and then decides to reconcile.

 

I know that you will do what you feel is best for you - I get that and I totally respect it - just stand back a little and look with your head and not your heart. Read what others have been through. There are very few happy endings here.

 

I honestly wish you luck and true foresight.

[Cabin]

Who do you think would make a better husband in the long run--someone who has been faithful to you, or someone who has cheated on his wife? As the saying goes, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Even though this cliche is said over and over again here, I wouldn't pay it much attention.

 

*Most* married people who have an A are not serial cheaters. So the fact that he cheated with you does not predict future behaviour. What is more likely to predict whether he would cheat in the future is the QUALITY of your relationship, should you two end up together.

[Cabin]

 

If I have come away with anything from my readings here on LS, I have learned that MM don't leave their wives. For the sake of clarity, I will repeat and bold - MM don't leave their wives.

 

 

This isn't true. It may be symptomatic of the community on LS, but it isn't true for everyone, all the time, in the real world.

 

I know of 11 couples (of all ages and situations) where the married man left his wife (and children) to be with the woman he loves.

 

Most of the people who do end up with their MAP (I hate "MM") are too busy enjoying their lives to be posting here (though I wish more did!)

[Cabin]

[quote=trappedinlove;3503325

I love him. what I feel with him is something i never felt with my husband.

 

And you're not likely going to...

 

Once you've known a deeper more fulfilling love than you *ever* had with your H (this is my story too), there's really no going back. It's one thing if you and your H were crazy about each other, but it just fizzled and can be fixed. But if you never felt that way about him - and by your own admission, the relationship has been rocky for a while - it's unlikely you're going to develop that close chemistry and connection in the wake of this A.

 

If you have already been experiencing serious marital problems without kids -- don't have kids with him. And definitely don't have kids in the midst of a confusing A.

 

You're both young and neither of you are tied permanently to your spouses because of children... I think it's a no-brainer...

[chalkfarm]

This isn't true. It may be symptomatic of the community on LS, but it isn't true for everyone, all the time, in the real world.

 

I know of 11 couples (of all ages and situations) where the married man left his wife (and children) to be with the woman he loves.

 

Most of the people who do end up with their MAP (I hate "MM") are too busy enjoying their lives to be posting here (though I wish more did!)

True, it is a generalization as is "once a cheater always a cheater". But I think it is a disservice to give a woman hope that her MAM is going to leave his cozy home - especially one who she readily admits is "happy in married life". Surely, you see this statement as a serious red flag? I think she is much more likely to end up hurt than satisfied.

 

To counter your 11 couples statistic, how many have not left for their OW and instead have left a wake of ruin behind?

Edited July 10, 2011 by chalkfarm

[TurboGirl]

Trapped,

 

My comments are not meant to be snide or mean, but to bring a bit of cold hard reality. I think you are in love fog. (ok, LUST fog)

 

Ok... you are 30, that puts your MM at the wise old sage age of 26.

 

You have to separate this, because to go on the premise of if/could/will he/will i/won't he, blah blah blah is ridiculous. Separate the issues.

 

Do you love your H? I am sensing that you are not sure anymore, maybe not in love with him anylonger. On this alone, please end it now & press on before you have kids! Please! You are 30, and won't have a problem meeting new men.

 

Sleeping with someone at work. Always a bad idea. Period. Single or married, a bad bad idea.

 

That being said, your MM from work... 26... wordly and experienced, no doubt... Sounds to me like you both have a serious case of lust for each other. That can be controlled with self restraint. Just for the sake of work alone, I seriously advise you to knock it off. People catch on faster than you think.

 

Back to the MM and you... how long have you been seeing him? Can't be years, right? Better to end it now... unless you don't want to. OP this can blow up in your face and you could be left without a husband, job, or BF on the side. You don't really think he's going to leave his wife for you, do you? He is probably having sex with her too and discussing when to start the family. Plus, do you REALLY want a guy who will sleep with a colleague at a corporate retreat? IF you were with him full time, everytime he went on a business trip your mind would wander. Time to start thinking rationally.

 

Ultimately, you are the one who will have to decide. But to continue on in this condition will erode away at your self esteem and your self respect... in a year or so you won't even recognize yourself.

[Emme]

He has said to me a few times that he is not leaving his wife until he is sure that if he leaves her, i will be there for him and he will end up marrying me.

 

I am the same way,

 

I do not have much family support,

 

and i will not leave my husband until i am sure that he is the one.

 

 

HUH!

 

Married man is willing to leave his wife if he knows you will be there for him. You then say you feel the same way that he does. Then you say you won't leave husband until you are sure he is "the one".

 

HUH!

 

 

This man knows your "the one" NOW. You don't know if he's the man you love YET.

 

 

Hence, you are not in love. Continue to have sex with him. That's all it is for you, sex.

 

What you wrote is what I broke down. It's clear as day.

[KathyM]

Even though this cliche is said over and over again here, I wouldn't pay it much attention.

 

*Most* married people who have an A are not serial cheaters. So the fact that he cheated with you does not predict future behaviour. What is more likely to predict whether he would cheat in the future is the QUALITY of your relationship, should you two end up together.

 

While it may be true that most people who have an affair are not serial cheaters, past behavior is a good way of determining a person's character and likelihood to engage in a particular behavior. All marriages go through good and bad times. All of them. It is during the bad times that a person's true character comes to light.

[TurboGirl]

While it may be true that most people who have an affair are not serial cheaters, past behavior is a good way of determining a person's character and likelihood to engage in a particular behavior. All marriages go through good and bad times. All of them. It is during the bad times that a person's true character comes to light.

 

Disagee wholeheartedly with that. Many learn from past mistakes and don't repeat.

 

Betrayed spouse, right?

[whichwayisup]

I am 30 years old, married for a little over 5 years to my husband. We had a rocky relationship, and were on the verge of divorce many times. I still dont think we have a very sturdy relationship.

 

Then divorce NOW reguardless of what the MM does or doesn't do. Clean up your own mess in your life before asking someone else to divorce. If your MM divorces let it be because he wants OUT of his marriage, doesn't love his wife anymore, not because you're forcing him or putting pressure on him.

 

You should be happy to leave your H since things are on the downfall anyway, it's OBVIOUS that you don't love him, respect him or care for him. if you did, you'd set him free so he can heal and find love with a woman who won't cheat on him. Keeping your husband as back up incase MM doesn't divorce is a CRAPPY and mean thing, as well as selfish, thing to do. I hope you see this.

[KathyM]

Disagee wholeheartedly with that. Many learn from past mistakes and don't repeat.

 

Betrayed spouse, right?

Some do learn, yes. Some realize what a terrible mistake it was to cheat on their spouse, and vow never to let that happen again. And they keep their promise. Others have a character flaw who put their own selfish desires ahead of everyone else, and are more likely to repeat than someone who has never had an affair. Both of my sisters were victimized by cheaters. One sister was married to someone who cheated on her despite being in love with her, early in their marriage. His desires were more important to him than his love for his wife. She forgave him, and after several more years and two kids, he cheated again. This time, the OW contacted my sister to tell her what a louse her husband was, and tried to cause even more trouble than she already had. Even tried to blackmail my brother-in-law. They had to contact the police to get this stalker out of their lives. Needless to say, their marriage did not survive, and their kids were seriously traumatized. My other sister was just a naive teenager babysitting for a friend's cousin and his wife. The jerk managed to sweet talk this naive and gullible teenager (my other sister) into having an affair with him. He even managed to talk my sister into giving him all her money she had saved up. We (myself and my other sister) called the wife and told her what her honeypie was up to. So I've had a lot of experience with this issue through close relatives and through studies I have done for my college classes. I wouldn't trust a cheater enough to marry him. If he cheats with you, there's a good chance he'll cheat with someone else eventually. Doesn't sound like the OP's MM has any remorse. Not a good foundation to build a life on.

[Silly_Girl]

As the saying goes, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

There are thousands of sayings, they aren't all true. I wouldn't use this as a key factor on which to make a decision.

[bentnotbroken]

This is such a jacked up situation. If you aren't ready to be married(him either)then you two certainly shouldn't be thinking of bringing children into a situation that is going to explode into major chaos and pissed off people. Get away from both men and figure out why you are willing to mess with someone else's life like this without their permission or knowledge. Figure out why you think you have the right to make decisions for them without their input. If given the choice they may choose to be in an open marriage...but they should be given the choice.

[waytogo]

This is really aweful. Either of you could end up with an innocent child on the way while both of you are saying "if you show me yours".

 

If you would leave your H if MM would leave his W, you should leave your H anyway. Why did you marry your H in the 1st place? When did you decide your H's life plan should depend on whether someone he doesn't know has an influence, plans to create a family where he is are walk from that M?

 

How would you like to be treated?

[Barrsitter]

Dear OP

 

Please do not have a child until you figure out honestly who are you are meant to be with. I have been in your shoes and realized that I was having affairs because I was not meant to be with my husband. So I did the honest thing and left.

 

Two things you must do. 1) Be honest with yourself and with your husband about whether you two have a genuine, intimate bond. I would have to say no given that you have had an affair.

 

2) Get some Reiki or counselling. You need to figure out who you are and what you need in a relationship. Then figure out if you can get that from your husband. Reiki will bring an energetic shift to your heart. Right now, you are too tied into your feelings about your affair-man. You need to take a break from that and concentrate on yourself. When you go into your centre, you will learn who you are and what you need and want in a relationship. Then you can decide who you should be with.

 

Bottom line - get some counselling or even go to a clairvoyant who will speak truth over you as to who you are divinely ordained to be with. It's all about living authentically from your place of self-love and self-knowledge. Only then will you make the right choices for you.

 

Be well.

[MissBee]

Dear OP

 

Please do not have a child until you figure out honestly who are you are meant to be with. I have been in your shoes and realized that I was having affairs because I was not meant to be with my husband. So I did the honest thing and left.

 

Two things you must do. 1) Be honest with yourself and with your husband about whether you two have a genuine, intimate bond. I would have to say no given that you have had an affair.

 

2) Get some Reiki or counselling. You need to figure out who you are and what you need in a relationship. Then figure out if you can get that from your husband. Reiki will bring an energetic shift to your heart. Right now, you are too tied into your feelings about your affair-man. You need to take a break from that and concentrate on yourself. When you go into your centre, you will learn who you are and what you need and want in a relationship. Then you can decide who you should be with.

 

Bottom line - get some counselling or even go to a clairvoyant who will speak truth over you as to who you are divinely ordained to be with. It's all about living authentically from your place of self-love and self-knowledge. Only then will you make the right choices for you.

 

Be well.

 

 

Great advice!

[trappedinlove]

Thanks everyone for your great advices and hatred from some. I have lot of updates and perhaps some closure to my story.

MMs wife got hold of some conversations he and I had, confronted him. He confessed to everything, she did not forgive him, but is with him. He came to me the next day, and asked me that that we should stop. The guilt was still killing me,. so I went to my husband, confessed. He hasn't forgiven me either, but isn't going to leave me. After all the fiasco, I did realize that I love my husband with all my heart. We tend to forget the definition of love and value what we have in life. I would never do anything to risk what i have in life and offcourse him. More than anything else, the thought of me having hurt him so bad was killing me the most. I am going to do whatever it takes to make it a better marriage. I also feel that the love fog/lust fog i had for MMs is all gone. Just wanted to let you guys know. Thanks!

[Forever Learning]

Thanks everyone for your great advices and hatred from some. I have lot of updates and perhaps some closure to my story.

MMs wife got hold of some conversations he and I had, confronted him. He confessed to everything, she did not forgive him, but is with him. He came to me the next day, and asked me that that we should stop. The guilt was still killing me,. so I went to my husband, confessed. He hasn't forgiven me either, but isn't going to leave me. After all the fiasco, I did realize that I love my husband with all my heart. We tend to forget the definition of love and value what we have in life. I would never do anything to risk what i have in life and offcourse him. More than anything else, the thought of me having hurt him so bad was killing me the most. I am going to do whatever it takes to make it a better marriage. I also feel that the love fog/lust fog i had for MMs is all gone. Just wanted to let you guys know. Thanks!

 

Wow! Well please keep us posted as to what happens in the next few months, if you have the heart to do so. Its a great learning experience!

I hope you find happiness no matter how it all shakes out down the road.

[waytogo]

Thanks everyone for your great advices and hatred from some. I have lot of updates and perhaps some closure to my story.

MMs wife got hold of some conversations he and I had, confronted him. He confessed to everything, she did not forgive him, but is with him. He came to me the next day, and asked me that that we should stop. The guilt was still killing me,. so I went to my husband, confessed. He hasn't forgiven me either, but isn't going to leave me. After all the fiasco, I did realize that I love my husband with all my heart. We tend to forget the definition of love and value what we have in life. I would never do anything to risk what i have in life and offcourse him. More than anything else, the thought of me having hurt him so bad was killing me the most. I am going to do whatever it takes to make it a better marriage. I also feel that the love fog/lust fog i had for MMs is all gone. Just wanted to let you guys know. Thanks!

 

I hope you didn't see my, believe 1 reply, as "hatefilled". I don't hate you. I wasn't crazy about the situation you posted. That each of your spouses know and all are trying to work things out is the most helpful for your situation.

 

I would never do anything to risk what i have in life and offcourse him.

For the bolded statement, you must mean from this day forward, as in never AGAIN. You already risked that. I truly hope you will even on your worst day at home, never forget how lucky you are for the opportunity to try 4 your M.

[OldOnTheInside]

Thanks everyone for your great advices and hatred from some. I have lot of updates and perhaps some closure to my story.

MMs wife got hold of some conversations he and I had, confronted him. He confessed to everything, she did not forgive him, but is with him. He came to me the next day, and asked me that that we should stop. The guilt was still killing me,. so I went to my husband, confessed. He hasn't forgiven me either, but isn't going to leave me. After all the fiasco, I did realize that I love my husband with all my heart. We tend to forget the definition of love and value what we have in life. I would never do anything to risk what i have in life and offcourse him. More than anything else, the thought of me having hurt him so bad was killing me the most. I am going to do whatever it takes to make it a better marriage. I also feel that the love fog/lust fog i had for MMs is all gone. Just wanted to let you guys know. Thanks!

 

Well...that got wrapped up pretty quickly. Contrived even.

 

Now comes the harder part...

Edited July 15, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Confused1108]

If you are feeling like your marriage isn't working now it probably never will..I'm not married but feel like people get married as a routine and just to do because at the time it is what "people are suppose to do" I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now...but am in love with someone who is married...I tried getting through to him for over a year now to leave his wife for me because we are meant for each other...I also told him if she gets pregnant that it was over...so long story short...she is pregnant now and it was the worst possible feeling ever..( he already has one child ) told him it was over and we could not keep going..this hasn't worked to well. So my suggestion to you is to make a decision NOW! if you wait to long it will not happen then you will be forced with "what if" for the rest of your life. I understand it would be a huge transition but is it worth is the question. Right before he told me I was worth losing his house and etc but got slapped in the face with a pregnancy...don't fall victim to that pain..it's not very fun..your young enough to make that change now so maybe it is time...