Question to the married people having / who've had affairs

[SteveS]

I have been having an affair with a MW for two years now. She had been my best friend for over a decade but two years ago we crossed a line and have been yo-yoing back and forth between full blown romance and her hating me. I've posted my story on the OM thread as I didn't understand her inconsistent behaviour and received some good advice.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=284357

 

"I met her recently and asked her why she had been an utter bitch to me. Whether she was just using me. Why she kept yo-yoing back and forth in a bipolar way.

 

She said she loved me. But having an affair these two years has driven her insane - guilt, regret, disgust with herself, remorse, so much anger. That her husband though having his faults is a good man who she loves and every time her does any thing good she hates herself even more. That she's unable to sleep. And those rare times she ends up having sex with two men in one day she wishes she was dead.

 

She loves me. I was the relationship she wished she had. But thats just fantasy. She is married. She has a daughter. She has a husband and she'll never leave that.

 

She knows she takes our her rage on me - but thats because I'm the only person she can take her rage out on. She accepts that a decade of friendship is over because she can either love me, cheat and hate herself, or she can hate me and not be with me. There is no platonic middle ground anymore. And she has decided she is tired of hating herself.

 

She knows regardless of whatever she says she will probably come back. And hopes I don't take her back. She wishes I would hate her and leave her, never take her back. My always being there for her, taking her back only makes it hard for her to stay away."

 

My question to the married people on this board - male or female - but specifically those feeling guilt, remorse, self loathing etc: why do you keep coming back if you know what having an affair does to you? Do you think it'll be different / that you'll be able to cope or do you return knowing you'll get hurt? Would you prefer it if your OM / OW didn't take you back, or would you always want them there for you?

 

SS.x

[anne1707]

What you should concentrate on is what YOU want. Do you want to wait, do you want to keep on waiting, do you want to be always waiting......

 

I am married and had a 3 year affair (now successfully reconciled with my H). I messed the ex-OM around just as you are being messed around. The many times when I/he/we "ended" the affair, I still knew he was there for me so I could continue to eat cake if I wanted to. In the end I know I hurt him very badly because our relationship was based on lies. He believed there was a future for us. I knew I did not want to leave my H. In some ways at times I also lost respect for the ex-OM because he would just keep hanging around for more of this to and fro. Is this what you want for yourself? Do you really see a future for the two of you? If this relationship is not giving you what YOU want then get out of it now. Stop focussing on her needs and worry about yourself.

[SteveS]

No since she admitted she'd never leave her husband I must admit something has changed inside me - I suppose I was in no rush for her to leave her marriage as long as I have a belief we'd be together one day...I don't think I believe that will ever happen now so I want to move on (in theory) though I'm still very much in love with her and can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

But my question was more theoretical - why do MM and MW have affairs when they know they'll never leave their spouses AND they suffer awful guilt, turmoil etc?

[anne1707]

Selfishness basically. In some ways you get the best of both worlds. Loving stability at home and then the thrill of the affair. Not a nice attitude and all very shallow but it happens

[JaneyAmazed]

 

But my question was more theoretical - why do MM and MW have affairs when they know they'll never leave their spouses AND they suffer awful guilt, turmoil etc?

 

 

Like Anne said it was more for the thrill and excitement, but the problem is (for me) there was no way in the world to know just how much guilt and turmoil there would be. I got wrapped in the moment, in all the attention and affection I was getting. I've posted this before, but is was very much like a powerful drug. I knew it was bad for me, but I was addicted to the high. If people knew before starting an affair or could just experience a taste of the pain that it causes, I don't think anyone would do it. (Except in the cases of serial cheaters where I guess it never hurt that bad). I can't imagine ever going through this again. That "thrill" was not worth the suffering endured later. I think that's why I cared a sense of dread throughout the affair. I KNEW there would not be a good ending, and I knew people would be hurt, and I knew it was a horrible choice.

[linwood]

My question to the married people on this board - male or female - but specifically those feeling guilt, remorse, self loathing etc: why do you keep coming back if you know what having an affair does to you?

 

She keeps coming back for the same reason the heroin addict keeps searching for his fix.

 

Leave her alone, don`t see her again, block her calls, don`t talk or text.

 

It truly is the best thing you can do for her.

[jnj express]

Problem here is you are enabling her to cheat, and ruining the life of her child--as she obviously is not acting like a normal mother, and wife

 

If you have any decency in you at all---you will tell her it is over, and to stay away from you

[SteveS]

Why do I suddenly feel guilty...like the bad guy etc?! I shouldn't - I never instigated, I never chased, I never contacted her when she left. My only crime was to take her back when she returned because I felt optimistic we had a "great love" and some sort of future together, when in fact I'm heroin causing her intense pain and suffering...!

 

Perhaps you're all right. Maybe I have become an addiction and by "being there for her" even as a friend I'm just enabling her to do this, be a bad wife and mother and be miserable for the sake of a few highs.