Feeling hopeless while I sit and wait for wife to snap out of it!...

[Joe0724]

I just stumbled across this site and hoping to get some different takes on this...

 

. I am a 44 yr old father of 3 kids under the age of 6 and a marriage of 18 years this month, shes willing to throw away for some D*** she met that told her he loved her after 3 weeks of dating!..

 

Shes agreed to go counseling but not sure how much shes going to put into it.

She is basically not sure what she wants to do and I sit in limbo...

 

Brief history here;

We've been together for 21 years, married for 18. Didn't start having kids til 6 years ago, mostly because we wanted to wait and partially reproductive issues.

 

We have had a great marriage, with the usual ups and downs, but for the most part we'd knew we'd be fine.

 

Fast forward to last year.. She has an affair with a neighbor. I find out after 6 months of it going on in September. She is sick about it. Apologizes everyday.

She gave me about 12 different reasons why she did it. Alot of self esteem issues.

 

I say I can understand how it can happen, and I can forgive, but there were some stuff that I found out that she did w him that would make anyone sick to their stomach that can NOT be forgiven.

 

With that in mind, we have had some really knock down drag out fights over things over the months.

 

In December, she tells me she liked the attention from other men. Like an idiot, I believe her when she tells me loves me and would never leave me, but would like to explore an "open marriage".

OUCH!.... But knowing that she has never been with anyone else but me, well until last year, and her knowing that it is a fantasy/turn-on of mine, I agree. (yeah, I know. Mistake)

 

She registers on one of those married dating sites, meets a guy and within 3 weeks they are "in love". After a 6 week relationship, he up and leaves her in March to move closer to his son 1500 miles away, without saying good bye. Shes clearly devestated and continues to text and call him.

 

3 weeks later he sends a text basically saying "lose this number". He said he was someone else who just got issued this number from his cell phone carrier. (Lie)

 

Things quiet down, I'm slowwwly getting better with her.

When we argue, she says I'm so mean and I get so mad at little things this past year. WTF!!?? Why do u think????

 

After he left, shes been on several dates with guys, one of which shes seeing right now. He is married and I can see there is no REAL connection there. She likes him, they are acctually good friends and talk all the time. He has actually given her advice to my BENEFIT! I almost want to be buddies with him!! LOL,.

They meet up once/twice a week. He's married, so that helps that he doenst want to ruin his family situation.

 

They have not had sex yet, but clearly are planning on it.

THIS is the type of relationship I can handle her having. THIS is what I meant when I told her it would be ok. Not hooking up with a single guy, trolling on married sites.

 

 

Fast forward to mid June. She gets a text some DH suddenly, stating he misses and loves her and wants to possibly move back becuse things aren't working out as he'd hoped.

 

Sudduenly, we are on the rocks again, and she blurts out how she doesnt think she wants to be married anymore and wants to persue a chance with thius STRANGER!!

 

I say yes our relationship has been stressed to the max. But this is clesarly an infatuation!! He is afriggin loser who can't stay at a job more than 6 months. When he drinks, he drinks too much, he has anger issues, hes blown her off for days and weeks at a timem, but yet he is so wonderful.

 

 

If it werent for the kids, I'd have been gone. But what do I do with a woman and mother who isnt thinking logically?

 

Any help?????

[Mauschen]

I know many others will tell you to divorce your wife, but I have been where you are and it isn't so simple.

 

There is a lot of helpful information at marriagebuilder.com regarding wayward spouses. You should also read the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. That book talks very specifically on how to avoid cheating in both genders.

 

In the meantime, don't meet any of your wife's needs so she can see what life is without you. Don't kiss her, talk to her about anything other than exchanging the kids, kick her out of the house, and definitely don't do anything like change her flat tire, send her money, etc. CUT HER OFF. And while you're doing that, act very confident and happy (people in despair who cry and beg are not attractive). Take the kids AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE since if you do divorce, custody will likely be determined based on the status quo. Make sure you have them at least 50% of the time.

 

For custody, read the book Child Custody A to Z by Guy White.

 

Good luck!

[willowthewisp]

I can't actually believe I read that!

 

You say you can handle her having sex with married men as long as it's not emotional? What about his wife and children and the home she is jointly threatening to wreck? What about your own childrens lives? You are happy to be with someone who thinks this is OK and also who wants to jeapodise her emotional attachment to you by having sex with others because she married you young? WOW. How can you be OK with that? For a lot of women sex is emotional, there are some who can view it as a physical act but for many it involves a emotional connection. You are seriously Ok with that?

 

Personally, I would kick her out and never look back, she clearly has no comittment to you, no morals and no sense of accountability, but that's my opinion.

[robf1971]

Personally, I would kick her out and never look back, she clearly has no comittment to you, no morals and no sense of accountability, but that's my opinion.

 

This times 3 million..

 

The woman has ZERO respect for you, is probably laughing to OM (s) about you and you are sitting there and taking it up the A$$, unbelievable.

 

Do not say another word to her, get a lawyer NOW...

 

Box her stuff up and throw it out into the gardenm tell her to come and get it before the garbage truck arrives. No need to scream, shout or be nasty just DO this.

[marqueemoon4]

ps- she's not gonna snap out of it. you need to though.

[PegNosePete]

What the hell man? Reclaim your dignity (and your manhood) and divorce her right now. What do you think SHE would have done, if it had been you having the affair with a neighbour? You would have been kicked out so fast your head would have spun.

[Joe0724]

Yesterday, 5:49 PM #3 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000][/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

Mauchen,

Thank you for the advice. I will definiately check these books out. At this point I am just trying to salvage what I can. I just cannot bare to not live in the sme house as my kids, or have them grow up in a broken home.

I know, living in a home when your parents dont love each other or fight all the time isn't good either. But Im just not at the leaving point right now.

 

The reason I give her time to snap out of it, is this isnt her. I've known this woman for 21 years. She is not herself.

She works from home, doesn't go out to hang with her friends, shes around the kids all day and feels like crap about herself. Not giving her excuses, but thats part of the reason she had the affair.

She says as wrong as it is, talking to these guys gives her confidence. Which is utterly ridiculous.

 

But as I said, I don't trust her judgement at this point, so I either stay here to makle sure no one comes here for her or take them from here. I will be talking to a lawyer this week to see wehat, if any rights I have.

 

Its just such a shame.

[Joe0724]

Pete,

I tell her that all the time!

 

She'd have made my life a living hell!!! She wont admit it tho! Ridiculous.

[Joe0724]

I can't actually believe I read that!

 

I cant believe I wrote that!

 

But yes, I am liberal in that respect. I know several couples that have that relationship, and they at least seem to do pretty well with it.

 

Tried to give her some space. I guess it backfired.

[PegNosePete]

The reason I give her time to snap out of it, is this isnt her. I've known this woman for 21 years. She is not herself.

Who is she then? Britney Spears perhaps? Eva Longoria?

 

Come on man. It IS her. This is who she is, what she has become. What you mean to say is, this is not the person that who thought she was. That person no longer exists. What you need to decide is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this new person?

[reboot]

Are you people missing the part about him giving her permission?

[oldguy]

Sudduenly, we are on the rocks again, and she blurts out how she doesnt think she wants to be married anymore and wants to persue a chance with thius STRANGER!!

Your wife & the mother of your children is dating other men! You are in denial if you don't think your marriage has been on the rocks all along.

 

He is afriggin loser who can't stay at a job more than 6 months. When he drinks, he drinks too much, he has anger issues, hes blown her off for days and weeks at a timem, but yet he is so wonderful.

Do you see what you are doing? You are trying to convince some one that this man, lets call him Richard head rather than DH, is NOT good enough for YOUR WIFE. Don't you see that is NOT proper thinking!?

 

If it werent for the kids, I'd have been gone. But what do I do with a woman and mother who isnt thinking logically?

This is what is upsetting to me; you have children! I know they're very young but this sort of arrangement is going to effect their development. There are time when a divorce is the best thing you can do for your kids. I feel bad for you and what you are going through. Just hearing your side of it your wife sounds totally "F"d up but my overwhelming concern is for your kids. They in no way deserve to be in the middle of this & I'd like to hear someone showing some concern for them. Can you imagine what their post are going to be like here in 15 years

Edited July 11, 2011 by oldguy

[PegNosePete]

Are you people missing the part about him giving her permission?

No. Are you missing the part where she had an affair for 6 months with the neighbour, before seeking "permission"? And did you miss the part where he described himself giving her permission as being "like an idiot"?

 

Permission or not, she has no respect for the marriage or the OP. Divorce.

[Owl]

Tell her that she's free to explore herself and her feelings for OM all she wants to.

 

Tell her all she's got to do is move out, and file for divorce...today.

 

Let her know that you will provide her with nothing. If she moves out, she survives entirely on her own merit...and oh, yeah, the kids are staying at home with you too, so there's no need for child support either.

 

If she doesn't want to be married...she's welcome to explore single life on her own.

 

That means that she loses you completely out of her life in any capacity whatsoever.

 

Let me tell you...this was a heck of a wake up call for my wife.

 

And if it's not a wake up call for her...it's a step in the right direction for you and your children.

[Chi townD]

You need to share your story with Kuulani over on the Cheating, flirting and Jealousy sub-forum.

[Joe0724]

I guess I am in denial.

It is a strange situation, no doubt. It is sooo easy to say kick her out and keep the kids, but when it comes down to it, how do you actually "kick" someone out if she wont go??

 

Here in FL, if the cops are called for domestic violence, SOMEONE is getting taken out in cuffs, so physically draggin her ass out the door is not an option.

 

I told her weeks ago, if you want to give this guy she supposedly loves a shot, go live with him. The kids stay here! She won't do it.

 

I also offered to leave for a few days as an experimental seperation (not really planning to go through with it because I definitely have to watch out for the safety of my kids), and she did not want me to leave.

Thats where the confusion lies and where I feel I should give her some time to figure out what she wants to do.

 

ODDLY enough, I do still love this woman. I cannot figure out why. Maybe its just the person she WAS that I'm hoping will come back.

 

We did have our first counseling session this evening. It did go well.

 

Guess we'll see how it goes........

[PegNosePete]

when it comes down to it, how do you actually "kick" someone out if she wont go??

You are right, you can't do it. Don't lay a finger on her physically else you'll end up in all sorts of trouble, and most likely kicked out of the house yourself.

 

If she won't go then the best way to get her out is to see a lawyer and file for divorce.

 

Thats where the confusion lies and where I feel I should give her some time to figure out what she wants to do.

Dude, what the f**k. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants to live with you, sponge off your money, and f**k other guys. If you're happy with that then fine. If not then see a lawyer and file for divorce. She is not going to "snap out of it". This is what she wants. She is choosing to do it.

 

We did have our first counseling session this evening. It did go well.

So, what was the outcome of this session? Did she apologize profusely for hurting you, say that she is 100% committed to fixing your marriage, and that she'll never look at another man again?

[Joe0724]

No. But it was a step.

Inevitably, your right. This marriage may have run its course.

I'm just trying to at least see if someone could help me help her see what the hell shes doing and maybe bring her back down to reality.

 

She is like a kid who was home schooled her whole life that just discovered life, after going away to college! Her behavior is that of a 16 year old slut!

 

Again, the kids are my main priority. I really don't feel comfortable leaving them alone with her by moving out, when God knows who she'd bring home.

 

I will be speaking to an attorney soon to see what course of action I need to take, should I have to go that route.

[PegNosePete]

Indeed, don't move out yourself. Why should you? It's your home too.

 

The best way to snap her out of it is to show her the consequences of her actions. A divorce petition usually does that. If she suddenly realizes what it means and changes, then you can always cancel it. But if not, then you go ahead.

[Joe0724]

Well, you guys were right.

 

We only lasted to the 2nd counseling session, and she wants a seperation.

It breaks my heart, not only to not be with my babies in a normal family unit, but also for what the one love of my life has done to us.

 

I thought I chose the right person to grow old with 19 years ago. Apparently shes no better than anyone else. It just took her a little konger to get that way.

 

I was holding on hoping she would just wake up, but she is too far gone.

 

Packing right now. Don't know what future holds.

 

Thanks for the ear and advice all.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear that dude.

 

Why are you packing? Where are you going? Did you speak to an attorney yet? You really need to get legal advice BEFORE moving out.

[Surfer203]

Sorry to hear that man. Don't pack, stay put. Get your lawyer ready. Best of luck to you - keep posting here, we will get you through the tough times.

[robf1971]

Sorry to hear that dude.

 

Why are you packing? Where are you going? Did you speak to an attorney yet? You really need to get legal advice BEFORE moving out.

 

You should be packing HER stuff, then throw it out for the dustmen.

[Calif_hope]

Why in the name of "common sense" your the one leaving, your leaving the kids with her. In my book, the one that wants the depression is the one that leaves. Man up, father up, stay in your house and shelter your kinds from her illness and issues. Show her the curb.

[teerockness]

Why are you leaving the house? If she wants a separation, hand her the "apts for rent" section of the paper.