Bito Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 So its been just over 5 weeks since we broke up and about 4 weeks no contact. Our story is that we dated for a year and a half. I loved her more then anything and I had gave her a promise ring. The down side was we had a long distance relationship when she was at school. She started to see another guy and lied to me about it. She is still currently dating the same guy. The letter is an apology. She tells me how sorry she is for everything. She tells me she wishes she could turn back time and choose me over her new boyfriend. She tells me how she will never love anyone like she loves me. She says what she did will be the biggest regret of her life. And she said she cant stop thinking about how she lost her soul mate. But then she says most of all she is sorry that I ever loved her because i deserve better. She tells me to go out and be happy. She tells me to have a good life and that everything she said is straight from the heart. She also says she doesn't expect a response. There was more content but those are the main points. What do i make of this? I was doing so much better until i got this letter. Is she just fishing to see how i feel about her still? Is this letter just to torment me more and to try and string me along? In the letter she admits fault to everything but if she really loved me still why would she still be dating the new guy? Even though she was awful to me I still love her so much. I felt like my purpose in life was to be with her and make her happy. I felt so fulfilled when I was with her and I feel so empty now. Should I respond? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Do not respond. You will then give up any power you have, any free will and you will be sat at home upset that she hasn't replied to your reply. Many will suggest reasons as to why she sent this letter, I would even say it's the ol' way of her removing some guilt, clearing those feelings out by pushing them onto you. I bet she truly is expecting a reply. You say she hurt you, don't let her hurt you anymore. If you want to see some positive out of this, then look at it another way. She's feeling guilty and simply wants to clear the air, and say sorry. Which she now has done. So leave it at that. Continue to move on and consider this the very end of it all, but now feel happy that you had such a positive effect on this girl - even if she didn't see it at the time, now she realises how good you were and how she screwed up. Her loss. You're worth more than her and she knows it. Let some other lucky girl experience you. She had her chance, she knows it. She will now always remember you as the one that got away... So there you go, two ways to look at this, but with each one, definitely no reason to respond. See what others reply with before you make any decisions though. Link to post Share on other sites
Miky Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Hey Bitto oh boy, don't you love these "Dear John" Letters Been there, done that, got the T shirt. I have been in exactly the same position 25 years ago, to cut the story short, I had dated the love of my life back then for 12 months, she went on a university program out of country and within 6 months of LDR after she started to slowly get attached to another student in her program, lied to me that was not serious and they are just study buddies (year right...) and then out of nowhere I get the same speech of ILYBNILWY and the whole bucket of bull kaka that you just got on your letter. (the only difference would be that she told me that to my face) In my case she said the exact same things, she also said that she knows that she will be sorry 10 years down the line for dumping me but she has to break up for "her", when I begged and groveled she also told me that I am no good for her and will never be the someone that can make her happy ever. don't dare answer this letter, this letter had been sent to you as her way of rationalizing to herself dumping a perfectly good person for the excitement of a new potential mate which she may see as is better then you at this moment of time. There is nothing that you can do at this moment to get her back and in you answer to this message you will give her the power of Peace of mind : - as any answer you will write will give her the rationalization and the affirmation of the choice she has made to dump you for the other guy, if you chose to beg and grovel in your answer it will affirm to her ego that it was good choice to dump you as you come across as feeble and weak door mat, and who wants to date a door mat?, if you choose to be strong and answer her with " I am ok, I will be fine" type of an answer, you will ease her conscious and her guilt for dumping you, don't give her these powers, as funny as it may seem, your best chance to ever get her back (even as it is slim to my opinion) is to go fully NC, cold turkey,disappear as if you are no longer existing on the planet, cut her off everything, facebook IM, phone texting, change your number, stay away from mutual friend, etc. the reason is that as much as she does want to break away from you, she formed emotional bonds with you over a long 18 months, she is attached to you with very strong ties, these emotional bonds are very difficult to break for her and she is looking for every possible way to do that, by you not answering and "disappearing" these naturally strong emotion may eventually take over her, as you are no longer talking to her and no longer existing in her life in any shape or form she is going to miss you a great deal and there is a possibility of her trying to get back to you after a while. I know the urge to answer is great but you need it first for yourself to heal and you need to stop giving her any powers to get her guilt revealed in any shape or form Good luck to you, you will be fine Link to post Share on other sites
bdoggle Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I agree with the no reply idea. Sending you a letter allows her some control by not being with you in person, in the moment. She doesn't have to respond to anything in real time. Its cowardly. She knows she f***ed up by dumping you, but wants to feel somewhat ok about it. She will do that if you allow her to know you are still there pining by a non-judgmental response. I don't think she will give you what you want which is why she dumped you in the first place because she doesn't want to accept responsibility for making such a drastic mistake which has ultimately hurt you both. At least this is how I feel about my situation which is similar. I was dumped for reasons I'm still unsure of. The only things which seem to make sense about it is that it happened because of her low self esteem and her probably feeling that she wouldn't be able to hide her weaknesses with someone like me. Even though I would have accepted her for what and who she was, she probably could not do that herself and felt more confident living a lie. I think she dumped me before she thought I would have dumped her. I do very well in life in general and have been told by many that I was too good for her. As much as that seems true, I still love and miss her very much and have no closure on why she is gone. She sends txt messages periodically saying how much she is in love with me. I have responded with "then why are you not with me?" Usually that is met with "I don't know" or just more silence. Every time I respond to a message, and then it is met with no response, I feel weak, and that is not my true nature. I want so much to have answers and know about all the lies, but I don't think my ex will give it to me. At least not by being there for her when she feels the need for some reassurance from me. Respect yourself and don't respond. If she truly wants you back she must do some real work to prove it to you....not letters or text messages. Just my opinion. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bito Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Thank you all very much for the responses. I agree that not responding is the best corse of action to take. Its going to be very hard though. I might just write a response anyway even if I don't send it. To clear a couple of things up when i found out she was cheating on me I made her choose between me and the new guy. She said she choose me but went and saw him anyway. I broke it off after that and went no contact except for one day of weakness a week later. It was what she wanted I think though. It hurts a lot and I miss what we had or what I thought we had. The letter I think was not written for my benefit either. Her best friend was furious for what she did to me and for what kind of person she is becoming. The letter was shown to her a couple weeks prior to me receiving it. She only sent it when her friend asked her if she did a couple days ago. I just dont know... Anyways thank you all. Any more input is always welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Miky Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Bito That additional piece of info you added is even more damning, she sent the letter not for you but for her girlfriend, she does not think about you nor care as she sent this only because her best friend was mad at her, you are the door mat nothing else, just let it go, your Full NC is the best revenge on a narcissistic person Link to post Share on other sites
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