About to make first contact... thoughts

[eternaloptimist]

I dated my ex for six months , seven months ago. When we met, I was only weeks out of a previous long term relationship. Our relatinship took off and was moving ahead full steam to the point of engagement when we had a couple of arguments and he decided I was not over my ex yet- too much baggage he said. I disagreed tried to convince him otherwise but he did not believe me. He was right. I had not grieved or come to term with my previous relationship and the break up was the right thing at the right time. couldn't ask for mor.

 

So- It's months later- I have completely dealt with the baggage of my last relationship, I am happy, grateful for the break up that made me restructure my life and led me to the place now of peace and contentment. But I still love him. I have dated others, and have maintained strict NC, filled my life with work, education, friends, great experiences yet still think about him everyday.

 

I would like to contact him and simply be straightforward and state that I would like another opportunity for us to try things and that the timing was not on our side in the past. I don't feel desperate to be with him, I know there are other options, but he made me become the better person I am today.

 

No games, no bs, just honest and straight forward.

 

Does the straightforward, confident, I want you back style from girl to guy ever work?

[wilsonx]

I dated my ex for six months , seven months ago. When we met, I was only weeks out of a previous long term relationship. Our relatinship took off and was moving ahead full steam to the point of engagement when we had a couple of arguments and he decided I was not over my ex yet- too much baggage he said. I disagreed tried to convince him otherwise but he did not believe me. He was right. I had not grieved or come to term with my previous relationship and the break up was the right thing at the right time. couldn't ask for mor.

 

So- It's months later- I have completely dealt with the baggage of my last relationship, I am happy, grateful for the break up that made me restructure my life and led me to the place now of peace and contentment. But I still love him. I have dated others, and have maintained strict NC, filled my life with work, education, friends, great experiences yet still think about him everyday.

 

I would like to contact him and simply be straightforward and state that I would like another opportunity for us to try things and that the timing was not on our side in the past. I don't feel desperate to be with him, I know there are other options, but he made me become the better person I am today.

 

No games, no bs, just honest and straight forward.

 

Does the straightforward, confident, I want you back style from girl to guy ever work?

 

How hurt would you be if you found out he was dating someone else?

How hurt would you be if you he ignored you?

How hurt would you be if he was no longer interested in you?

 

These are 3 questions you should ask yourself before you break NC. If you are going to be hurt which I think you are, stick with NC

[Exit]

Don't give anyone else credit for making you the better person that you feel you are today. External people and situations may have increased your motivation, but you and only you did the hard work to get where you are.

 

Wilsonx makes a great point, I say this to people all the time as well when they are considering making contact with someone. Don't lie to yourself by saying "I've got nothing to lose, I might as well try, and I'll be fine if it doesn't work out", if the reality is actually that another round of rejection will put you in bed for two weeks crying. Be honest with yourself about how a negative response might make you feel, and ask yourself if you can really handle it, or if you'd just be better off moving forward.

 

I would be cautious. I don't know too many guys who really put up their guard to make sure they aren't a rebound, guys are usually just happy to be with someone. I met my last girlfriend right out of her last 4 year relationship and I did move very very slowly with her, and made sure that there was some space before her and I started anything official, but I certainly didn't get to the point of telling her that she was not over her ex and then go for months without talking to her at all. There is a chance this guy just wasn't that interested and used the most convenient excuse he could find, in order to put the blame on you. Or maybe he really is an intelligent, self-aware person, and could tell that you were not ready for a relationship. None of us know the real truth. All we know is that he made a choice not to be with you completely, he didn't suggest just taking things slow and being friends while you healed, he wanted out. So keep that in mind as you ask yourself how successful reaching out to him may or may not be.

 

Contact is really the most straight-forward way to an answer though. If that was truly his one and only concern about being together with you, that it was too soon, then he should be happy to hear that you took time to heal by yourself, get your life together, and that you are still thinking of him. If you get a negative response from him, then you'll just have to accept that obviously there is some other reason he doesn't want to be with you, because the way you handled the situation should completely erase that one doubt from his mind. You'll either get a yes or a no, and that will be that.

Edited July 11, 2011 by Exit

[eternaloptimist]

How hurt would you be if you found out he was dating someone else?

How hurt would you be if you he ignored you?

How hurt would you be if he was no longer interested in you?

 

These are 3 questions you should ask yourself before you break NC. If you are going to be hurt which I think you are, stick with NC

 

Great points and worth considering- I will definitely ponder this before I choose to move forward.

[eternaloptimist]

Don't give anyone else credit for making you the better person that you feel you are today. External people and situations may have increased your motivation, but you and only you did the hard work to get where you are.

 

Wilsonx makes a great point, I say this to people all the time as well when they are considering making contact with someone. Don't lie to yourself by saying "I've got nothing to lose, I might as well try, and I'll be fine if it doesn't work out", if the reality is actually that another round of rejection will put you in bed for two weeks crying. Be honest with yourself about how a negative response might make you feel, and ask yourself if you can really handle it, or if you'd just be better off moving forward.

 

I would be cautious. I don't know too many guys who really put up their guard to make sure they aren't a rebound, guys are usually just happy to be with someone. I met my last girlfriend right out of her last 4 year relationship and I did move very very slowly with her, and made sure that there was some space before her and I started anything official, but I certainly didn't get to the point of telling her that she was not over her ex and then go for months without talking to her at all. There is a chance this guy just wasn't that interested and used the most convenient excuse he could find, in order to put the blame on you. Or maybe he really is an intelligent, self-aware person, and could tell that you were not ready for a relationship. None of us know the real truth. All we know is that he made a choice not to be with you completely, he didn't suggest just taking things slow and being friends while you healed, he wanted out. So keep that in mind as you ask yourself how successful reaching out to him may or may not be.

 

Contact is really the most straight-forward way to an answer though. If that was truly his one and only concern about being together with you, that it was too soon, then he should be happy to hear that you took time to heal by yourself, get your life together, and that you are still thinking of him. If you get a negative response from him, then you'll just have to accept that obviously there is some other reason he doesn't want to be with you, because the way you handled the situation should completely erase that one doubt from his mind. You'll either get a yes or a no, and that will be that.

 

 

Very valid- there could be other reasons and you are right he did choose to completely cut me out. He did suggest staying friends but I told him I did not want to be. Unfortunately for us, inspite of my being fresh out out a very long term relationship we did not take things slow and things progressed at warp speed.

 

The truth is part of me questions whether he was a rebound, or replacement if you will. However now that I've had time I feel like there was way more to it and did work hard on myself and he definitely was a motivating factor so I almost want to see where this could go.

 

I imagine my question really is and can possibly be only answered by a man is in spite of men loving the chase is there ever a time a woman could be completely straightforward and honest and say exactly what she wants- does that approach ever work?

[wilsonx]

as a guy, i can tell you, yes it works. but you seriously have to mull the 3 questions i posed up top and that's to protect your heart more then anything.

 

Thats how I started dating my ex, she asked me one night after 2 years of a solid friendship if I liked her.

 

If you want to ask the question in the way she asked, it would be safer. You can ask him if he likes you