Trouble finding love. Still in depression

[roflmao]

Hey forum

 

The last couple of years of my life have been a real emotional pain. Although I'm only 18 (19 in a couple of days), I think I already feel the need of someone special. I know that most of the guys of my age tend get a new gf every 2 weeks, but honestly I'm the exact opposite.

 

I never had a gf, and I consider myself an average-looking guy (maybe a little bit nerdy). I'm shy and not as outgoing as most of the guys. I don't enjoy going to discos at friday night and be home at 4 AM. Most of my colleagues told me to do so, so I could meet some girls, but I don't wanna take advantage of some drunk chick and eventually make out with her and don't remember a thing tomorrow morning. It's just not what I want.

 

I don't go out much, so it's pretty clear that I should change that. It doesn't have to be to a disco or a bar. However, as usual in a shy and introvert guy, my friend circle is tiny and I don't think it is worth to go out for a walk all by myself.

 

I have a crush on a girl for about 2 years now (but she already has a bf, she's also older...my chances are practically 0%, but that's not the purpose of the post...it's a long story) and lately some thoughts have been crossing my mind. I sometimes imagine myself holding hands with her, laughing with her, kissing her...purely innocent actions, nothing promiscuous. And, in those 2-3 seconds, I feel complete, a whole new level of happiness and fulfillment. But it soon goes away. That feeling is then replaced by pure agony. I know that I have to move on, but I kinda reached a dead end. She is one of my 3-4 female friends (and the only one with who I really have a good friendship). Without meeting anyone else, I have nowhere to move to.

 

I'm really determined to change (don't get me wrong, I'm not writing this so you guys can feel sorry for me), but my interests in life are very little. I'm a college student (going to my 2nd year this September) and, in my spare time, I enjoy playing the guitar, going to my tennis practices and play some videogames online with some friends. Those 4 activities are pretty much my whole life, and all of them are not ideal to meet new friends (whether male or female friends): I play the guitar in my room, alone. My tennis buddies are always the same, and the same goes to my videogame friends (some of them I know them in real life, others I don't). As for college, about 95% of the students in my course are guys, so not ideal for meeting women.

 

I personally believe that the answer to all this is: to expand my life to other areas and activities/interests. But honestly, I'm not sure how to do it atm. I'm still living with my parents and I don't have a job, so I cannot live all by myself. College still takes me away a good portion of my free time, so it's also hard to start some other activity. Like I said, I feel like I reached a dead end.

 

My thoughts for that girl are getting more frequent, and all those thoughts are killing me inside. It hurts to think about her, because I instantaneously remind myself that I don't have a chance at all with her. I'm doing a hell of an effort just to try to get her out of my head, but it ain't easy. I was hoping that some of you could give your opinion about my situation and maybe give me some advice on how to get rid of this "dead end" and starting changing my social life. Some times it's all about the amount of effort you spend in your goals. I'm not the perfect model in carrying stuff to the end but I'm up to almost anything, if it gets me rid of this pain.

[josie54]

Until you're willing to push yourself out of your comfort zone, I don't think you'll see much change in your life, I'm afraid. However, you already have interests in place that would allow you plenty of room to expand your horizons without picking up completely new activities.

 

You say you play your guitar alone at home. You don't say how well you play, but you could prepare a song and play at an open-mike night at a music club somewhere. You could give lessons or take lessons. You could take a music class, then find a partner so you could play duets, and perhaps even perform for friends and family, or even at a more public venue.

 

You could join a tennis club to meet new people.

 

Instead of playing video games online, you could visit one of the cafes where people go to play video games. It's still online, but at least there are other people there!

 

You could take a class at college that requires a bit more effort than just a lecture class. Maybe a course in communication/public speaking, art, or foreign language (where you're forced to interact with others). You could also join a club on campus.

 

Focus on meeting new people and improving your confidence in speaking with people and making friends. I wouldn't place too much emphasis on "meeting a girl" as you expand your activities. If you're too focused on that, girls will pick up on it, and you can subconsciously drive them away.

 

I still remember a guy who asked me out when I was in college. He worked at a copy shop, and just asked me out out of the blue while I was in there getting something copied. He was nice enough--a bit "nerdy" as you say, but not unattractive--even so, I knew something wasn't right. He asked me out too quickly; he didn't know anything about me except how many copies I had ordered and that I could make small talk! But I went anyway (kind of as a pity date). During the date, he talked about how happy he was to have a date and how he was so looking forward to going out with me more. He started making all these plans (without really asking me whether I wanted to see him again). And then he just kept calling me and calling me afterward. At first, I just made excuses, but when he didn't take the hint, I finally just had to stop taking his calls. He was a guy who just wanted a girlfriend at all costs.

 

Do NOT be that guy.

 

But if you focus on making new friends instead, you expand your network through which you will be able to meet more girls. Just get yourself out of the house, interact more with people to improve your confidence, and then yes, you will meet someone special!

[roflmao]

thanks for your reply Josie (:

 

Well it's still a bit of a pain to push myself out of my comfort zone, but, as I said, I guess I'm determined to do so, if something good comes out of it (not necessarily a relationship with a nice girl, but at least meeting some new people).

 

About the other topics:

 

My guitar skills aren't great, but I'm not a complete newbie also. I've been playing for about 5 years and I've managed to get some dexterity and some skills on my own. I never took lessons and yes: it could be a place to meet new people. The problem is: most of the music schools have a specific program, like in normal school and the teachers teach their students like playing an instrument is something you'll do for a living. If you play for a mere hobby, you'll most likely end up with private lessons with some older guy, somehow experienced.

 

As for tennis: I am already in a club. I've been competing since I was 12 and yes, it made me meet other people. In fact, that's where I met my "crush girl". However, the people in my class are always the same, so it's also not ideal to expand my group of friends (but yes, some of them turned out to be really nice fellas ).

 

The clubs in college could be a possibility. I would just have to manage my time a little bit better. I just finished my 1st year in college and it really stole away a whole bunch of my free time. But that's most likely the best approach (:

 

As for that type of guys: NO! I will not become one of them! x) In fact, that's not my type at all. I would never ask someone out on a date if I never met her before. I mean, some may think that I wait too long for something to happen and I keep falling in the "friends' category" when it comes to my relationship with girls, but I don't see anything wrong in getting to know her a little bit better every day/week/whatever. Besides, I'm not as straight-forward as that guy xD. It took me a 1,5 years for me to tell that girl that I liked her (I wrote a fancy poem and all, and she really appreciated the gesture, but she was committed already), and she told me that she NEVER noticed my interest. So yeah, I keep a very low-profile in these cases 8-(

 

Anyway, my main goal here is to really get to meet new friends and have a more active social life. Obviously I would love to have some special girl in my life, I can't deny that. But I strongly believe that, if I meet new people, either male or female, I can hang out with them and have a good time instead of shut myself in my room thinking on how miserable my social life is.

 

Anyway, thanks again Josie (: And for the rest of you: feel free to post your own opinion about this. It will be much appreciated ^^