lovestruck. Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 First things first, i am female, my best friend is male. We met nearly 3 years back at university, where he took a shining to me, and broke up with his, then, girlfriend twice for me. Both times i turned him down, as i never saw him as more than a friend. After those initial awkward few months we became insanely close, and were pretty much inseperable. Everyone thought we were a couple, and when we made it clear that we weren't, they were still convinced we were going to get together one day. Until... He met a girl 6 months into our madly close friendship (nothing sexual i must add, we have never even kissed), and about 6 months after that, they became an item. From day 1 his girlfriend disliked me, and always seemed warey around me because of the close friendship me and my best friend had, which is understandable, but a year and a half into their relationship, she is still the same, and gets in a mood whenever we are together. Me and her do generally get on, as we have quite similar interests and personality traits, but it is always awkward when my best friend then turns up. Now, me and him are desperate to live together, it has been a year since we finished uni, and we have only seen each other 3 or 4 times since, due to me moving home, and we miss each other like crazy. He now lives with his girlfriend and they have a spare bedroom in their flat, and he really wants me to move in, as do I. This puts me in an awkward situation, do i move in and be happy again, and spend lots of time with my best friend, or do i avoid moving in because i know it will cause tension in his relationship? obviously i am DESPERATE to move in with him, because i need him in my life, BUT i dont want to upset his girlfriend. What to do?! be selfish and happy, or selfless and unhappy? I know being selfLESS is the nicer option for his girlfriend in this situation, but me and my best friend are determined to live together one day (it is an essential part of our lives and we will regret not living together if it never happens), and this may be the only chance we get. enlighten me? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 What does his girlfriend think about this arrangement? If she's wary of you already as you say she is, I have trouble seeing why she would be on board with this. Before doing anything, I would find out how she feels about all of this. I'm not sure if you've thought of this yet, but I would keep in mind that it might cause tension between you and his girlfriend too. It wouldn't necessarily be tension only between your friend and his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Obviously she wont be happy about it, but i'm wondering whether it'd be a good thing for her to see us together all the time. Maybe she would stop worrying about anything happening between us? possibly? Link to post Share on other sites
FinOuch Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 The fact that you don't believe you can be happy living apart from this man is...alarming, to say the least. I'm sorry, but I'm not THAT close to best friends that I have had for 15 years. I don't really buy that your relationship and interest with this guy is strictly friendship from what you've written. Sounds like you need to accept that his role in your life has drastically changed because he is now in a relationship. And it sounds like he needs to start prioritizing better and accept the fact that the woman he chooses to be in a relationship will always need to rank higher than his college friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 It is honestly a platonic friendship, i guess because nothing has ever happened between us and because we are so close, there will always be that 'I wonder what would happen if..' thing, but we have discussed it sooo many times in great depth, and I KNOW it would be weird if anything did happen. We use the example of 'P.S. I Love You' when the main female character and the barman, (Daniel?) have this chemistry between them, and go in for the kiss, only to realise it's like kissing your brother. It'd be the same thing between us, there is an undeniable chemistry between us, and everyone see's it, but he's like a brother to me, we've been through a lot together, and still nothing has happened, and i'm 99% sure nothing ever will. lol. And he does prioritise his girlfriend over me, and they are the perfect couple, so I would never intentionally interfere with their relationship, even if one day for some unknown reason i suddenly fell in love with him (laughable if you knew us), i would still leave them alone. And his girlfriend knows this. I duno, it's difficult, I spoke to my best friend last night, and he brought up the subject of moving in together, basically saying if he finds me a job up where he lives, i have to move in (in a jokey manner, him getting off his be-hind and doing anything like that is very unlikely!). But we agreed that if we did move in together, it'd be far to difficult to move away from each other again. But we'd manage it. It's annoying, as much as it is probably the worst thing to do in this situation, we still really want to live together, and if we don't now, we never will, because him and his girlfriend will probably get married and have adorable little children (lol) and the chance will have passed. GRR!! HUFF!! Link to post Share on other sites
R32 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I would stay away. If you have respect for him and his relationship, you don't want to be the cause of tension/problems. Furthermore, I would feel uncomfortable living with them knowing how she feels. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is so wrong, I didn't know what to say... I bet lots of readers have passed this thread by, just speechless. Does the girlfriend know this? He should tell her all this, in these specific words... "best friend", "madly close friendship", "broke up with his, then, girlfriend twice for me", "insanely close, and were pretty much inseperable", "we miss each other like crazy", "i am DESPERATE to move in with him, because i need him in my life", "determined to live together one day (it is an essential part of our lives" Lying by omission in this situation is beyond disrespectful. The girlfriend should be his bestfriend, not you hanging around for the ego stroking from him obviously still in love with you. He should leave his girlfriend and get you over with before ruining someone else's life. These links are about "married" couples but they also apply to committed couples especially as they are living together: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...9_friends.html http://www.cheatingways.com/just-fri...tional-affair/ If or when you find yourself a boyfriend, I wont even wish you what goes around comes around. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) i think there has to be a realization at some point that you won't be able to have this best friend forever. Sounds like this guy provides you with everything a boyfriend can offer but without the kissy, feely, and extra obligation of emotional attachment. It's like lazy dating. A safety net. He's committed and provides you with emotional support and you don't even have to really love him deeply. SO it's just enough for you to feel safe and secure without feeling obligated to give more. You may or may not be in love with him but it's a phenomenon that happens if you get too close, perhaps comfortably close with the opposite sex where you don't want to push for something closer because you're already being satisfied in some way. It seems like he still has feelings for you, but even if that weren't true, as a friend, you're obligated to respect his girlfriend's wishes. If she doesn't want you in the house because she wants to develop a deeper relationship with him, where she can have a chance at becoming his best friend and lover than you can't go over her head. I just read your last sentence. If it's an essential part of your life to live with this "best friend" than you should probably be going out with him. You can't be living with him and his girlfriend. It's inappropriate. What if he wants to get married to her? Maybe you better search your feelings for this guy before it is too late. Edited July 12, 2011 by fiat500 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is so wrong, I didn't know what to say... I bet lots of readers have passed this thread by, just speechless. Does the girlfriend know this? He should tell her all this, in these specific words... "best friend", "madly close friendship", "broke up with his, then, girlfriend twice for me", "insanely close, and were pretty much inseperable", "we miss each other like crazy", "i am DESPERATE to move in with him, because i need him in my life", "determined to live together one day (it is an essential part of our lives" Lying by omission in this situation is beyond disrespectful. The girlfriend should be his bestfriend, not you hanging around for the ego stroking from him obviously still in love with you. He should leave his girlfriend and get you over with before ruining someone else's life. If or when you find yourself a boyfriend, I wont even wish you what goes around comes around. Think about it. REALLY not appreciating your tone there! His girlfriend knows everything about our friendship before he and her got together, she needed to be told so she didn't worry because there is nothing to hide about it, and just repeating what I said in a previous reply, he is like the older brother I never had. I can't deny that there have been moments where i sit there willing myself to like him romantically, but it's just not in me to do so. And he knows this. All the 'desperate to move in together' points that i mentioned were meant in jest, not literal. Yes, it'd be amazing if we could live together, and now would be the time to do it, but yes, it'd also be difficult if we did. Hence, the point of this thread! If his girlfriend trusted our *just* friendship as much as we did, it'd all be fine, but I guess because the best friend being the 'other girl' in her man's life, it would be hard to trust it. All in all, I'm thinking moving in together will never happen, I have come to realise this, yes, it is annoying, who doesn't want to live with their best friend/practically older brother?! It was unrealistic of us to think about living together in the situation we are in with his girlfriend not trusting our friendship n all, and we now realise this. But some peoples points about friendship not lasting and such doesn't relate to this situation. We are always going to be close, and we have said we will be the godparents to each others children, so the sooner his girlfriend trusts us, the easier our lives will be. And I know *that* will take time. Over and Out. Link to post Share on other sites
Kivu Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I honestly don't see why his girlfriend should trust you. By your own admission you've tried to develop feelings for him, and he obviously has feelings for you. You spend all this time with him and you have all this closeness with him. Now you want to move under the same roof? Like, so he can start building up his little harem of women who love him? All the attention you've been getting from him should be going to his girlfriend. You obviously don't want to hear this, but you are horning into his relationship, and you've ruined two prior relationships of his without intending to return his feelings for you. I feel a bit sorry for him, you're obviously a bit of a cocktease, and I believe you take pleasure in knowing you come first for him and you (from the tone of your posts) want his girlfriend to accept that. I'm pretty sure that if you did move in his girlfriend would get pissed off at this blatant showing of disrespect and walk out on him. Then you and he could have your little asexual relationship for as long as it takes for him to get sick of you shutting him down. This is evidently what you want. You don't want to have him, but you don't want him to have anyone else, either. It's kind of sick really. Why don't you leave the poor bloke alone? By the way, "who doesn't want to live with their best friend/older brother", well, that would be pretty much everybody, if you'll notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason Todd Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 So you're cheating with her boyfriend and you want to move in with her, hoping it will turn into some sort of threesome? This is a troll. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Obviously she wont be happy about it, but i'm wondering whether it'd be a good thing for her to see us together all the time. Maybe she would stop worrying about anything happening between us? possibly? I very seriously doubt that. I mean it's not like she's going to always be in the house the same time that you and your friend are home. When you're both there and she is not she will be wondering what is going on. Even if she believes that nothing sexual is going on between you two, it is not healthy to the relationship for there to be another woman in the house (you) taking up so much of her boyfriend's attention. It crosses boundaries. The fact that you KNOW it bothers her but want to do it anyway just goes to show how much you respect her feelings. I really don't think that people should live together if they don't respect each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Savannah323 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 NO. Find another place, or be his neighbor. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 If you truly, truly care about your best friend--back away. His feelings for you are more than platonic.I almost wonder if he wants to keep you in close proximity as a back-up plan. No wonder his gf is concerned. She's probably wondering if she's the default choice--who will get thrown under the bus the moment you change your mind about him. It's not a healthy dynamic. If you never intend to reciprocate those feelings, then back off, so he can invest his energy in someone who will return his affection FULLY. He will NEVER have a healthy relationship with another woman , if you're always in the picture, having expectations of his time and energy..... Can you put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes for a moment? How would YOU feel if you met a guy, fell head over heels for him, wanted to build a future with him--- But he insisted on keeping a female friend that he was once attracted to , in the picture, ALL THE TIME? Will you keep putting your needs above his? Will you stubbornly cling to the friendship, even if it means he'll never be able to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who loves him back? Because most women are NOT going to put up with a man who insists on keeping another woman that close, all of the time. Most women know it's way too risky. This friendship can sabotage his chance at true happiness---Is that what you want for him? And for yourself-- Do you think any man is going to put up with you having a male friend THAT close? Another man who you talk to daily, and most likely confide in? You could also be sabotaging your OWN chance at fulfillment. Please think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Firstly, Thank you for the civilised replies! Secondly, To all the people assuming the worst of our friendship, stop being so vicious and stereotypical! Just because there are a lot of immoral, skanky people in this world, does not mean everyone is one of them. I am most certainly not! And please stop twisting things, all that has been said is in complete truth and innocence. BUT I just want to clear up a few twisted points here that have either been assumed through my lack of detail, or through people not reading my subsequent replies. 1) So you're cheating with her boyfriend and you want to move in with her, hoping it will turn into some sort of threesome? Our friendship cannot be considered 'cheating'. We became good friends at uni an entire year before they met. We rarely see each other because we now live 4 hours apart. We don't talk much at all because we work at completely different times of the day. So I am hardly interfering with their relationship on a day to day basis. And 'Threesome'?! Really?! Is that necessary?! HE IS LIKE MY BROTHER! 2) He doesn't EVER put me before his girlfriend, and I would hate it if he did, and most likely shout at him for it. Yes we occasionally confide in each other, but only if, in his case, he has told his girlfriend already, or if he can't tell her, or if he needs advice, THAT is when I am there for him. As I have said before, they are the perfect couple. 3) Most of you seem to think I should disown him as a friend just because he's in a relationship!? How close minded are some of you?! In our friendship, it feels like we have been lifelong friends, we know each other so well, and we have a kind of 'backbone friendship', one of those friendships where, it doesn't matter how long it's been since you last spoke, they will always be there for you when you need them. Get it? I am not throwing that away because his girlfriend is, understandably, distrusting about us. Goodness me. Link to post Share on other sites
FinOuch Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 It seems as though you have already made your decision, as well as rationalized what is largely perceived as an inappropriate act. So the question I now have is why are you even asking the members of this forum for their input? If it's validation for your decision and rationalization, I don't think you're going to find it here. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I never said to disown the friendship entirely--just back off from it --- Living together is way too intimate for just friends, especially if there has been a prior attraction. I'll ask again--how would you feel if it was a boyfriend of yours---expecting you to be okay with him having a female friend that he was determined to live with? Especially one that he'd been attracted to, and dumped other women for in the past? Would YOU really be okay with that? Honestly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 To FinOuch - Before posting the original dilemma on here, i was honestly considering moving in, but was unsure as to whether it was the right idea or not, because of the previous distrust his girlfriend had. I was thinking quite selfishly, and quite unrealistically, and I thank people on here for making me realise this. But because of some misreading or twisting of my original post and subsequent replies, i had to defend the situation, making the whole thing sound bigger than it was initially meant to be. To Freestyle - The friendship is generally quite relaxed already, and we both let each other get on with our lives as normal, and as previously said, we rarely see each other, and chatting is quite minimal. Is that what you mean by backing off? maybe? Because it's already like that.. And I get your point with the situation in reverse, I wouldn't be happy either. Heh. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 To Freestyle - The friendship is generally quite relaxed already, and we both let each other get on with our lives as normal, and as previously said, we rarely see each other, and chatting is quite minimal. Is that what you mean by backing off? maybe? Because it's already like that.. And I get your point with the situation in reverse, I wouldn't be happy either. Heh. Except all of that would change with living together and seeing each other daily---- I'm just saying living together is probably too close for comfort---and it's likely to create tension for his significant other-- As well as potentially sabotaging YOUR chances of a fulfilling romantic relationship. I have no issues with opposite sex friendships, one of my best friends is a guy---so, that's not the angle I'm coming from. And I had a male roommate , almost 20 years ago. Even though it was platonic--it bothered every girl that he dated , and almost every guy that I dated. At that time, I didn't see why it should be a problem, but being a bit older, and more aware of relationship dynamics now--- I can see that we could have both been shooting ourselves in the foot, regarding our love lives.It's not unreasonable for a new romantic potentials to be wary & skeptical about a living arrangement like that. Guess I'm just trying to recommend that you think this through very , very carefully........Try to take a long view, and set your mind on fast-forward..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck. Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Thanks for the advice Freestyle Link to post Share on other sites
Uum Dunno Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 You sound like an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
bikinibeach Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 wow you are putting all of this effort into punching tiny holes in his relationship that will grow bigger over time when you could be spending your time finding a MAN OF YOUR OWN instead of playing second fiddle waiting for a promotion. you are codependent and need therapy. also that poor girl, she needs to dump him and let the two of you become someone else's problem. what are you, eight years old? sorry, this isn't neverneverland. shame on you Link to post Share on other sites
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