He blames me for everything he does. I can't marry this guy, right?

[LuckyLady13]

I'll give a good example of the blame shift that has gone on:

 

When we first got together, he had some family problems. Hadn't heard from his father in years. Had to work out some minor issues with his mother. And had to get his older sister to learn to back off a bit as she's very controlling.

 

For me, this looked so easy. I come from a hopelessly abusive family with no end in sight. I was taken from my parents growing up covered in bruises and placed in homes with people who took care of me. My parents are the same people today they were years back.

 

So, I tried to explain for 6 months solid to my boyfriend that he's got it easier than he realizes. I took him to his fathers house and they were able to restart a relationship and they get along well. I told him things with his mother would be a piece of cake to work out, all he has to do is talk to her. He responded with "it's going to be a loooooooooong time before she learns". I pushed him and pushed him to just talk to her and work things out. There was no sense in punishing her. She is a pretty understanding lady if a person just is straight with her. Easy to talk to.

 

I eventually gave up on pressuring him with his mother since his response was the same every time. A month or so goes by of me being quiet. Then, out of the clear blue he screams at me "you're keeping me from my family!".

 

About 15 years went by with him not seeing or hearing from his dad. I got them reunited. I invited his mother over for dinner but she declined. I told him many times to just pick up the phone and talk to her.

 

I have absolutely no hope with my own family so I feel real alone here. And despite that, I did my absolute best to help him out with his family. At least he has a relationship with his dad now after all this time.

 

He knows I didn't keep him from his family. He knows he did. Does that stop him from blaming me for what he's done? No.

 

He's been doing this type of blame-shifting since I've known him. I thought by now he'd grow up and start taking responsibility for himself.

 

Every time he's attempted to blame me for something he's done, I called him out on it. It's not like I'm standing there apologizing for things he does. I haven't taken any responsibility for his actions. And yet, he continues to do this.

 

It's got to a point now that when he does this, I'm getting so unbelievably angry that I haven't even wanted to see him for the past two days because he did it again.

 

I know a lot of people would just walk away so fast from this. Here's why I haven't: I come from an abusive family and fell into a pattern of getting into abusive relationships that were violent. Got therapy and haven't see my family in a few years. I'm getting old, guys. I had to walk away from abusive relationships. Right now, especially in comparison to my past, this guy is just plain immature and irresponsible. At my age now and after having no choice but to walk away from violent abuse in the past, can I really be so picky and walk because he's immature? I mean, I feel like what's next? I break it off with a guy because I don't like his haircut?

 

I just can't be walking away so easy at my age anymore. If there is some way to get this guy to grow up or at least stop him dead in his tracks with this blame-shift, I'd rather do that than have to just give up and walk away.

 

I've never been to the point I'm at today. I don't give him the silent treatment. I normally speak my mind. But, I'm checking out of the relationship here. I hate the idea of giving up and don't really want to. But, I don't know what to do.

[Barrsitter]

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this guy. Never marry a man who blames you for his own stuff. As an abuse survivor, you are apt to look for the familiar...an abusive man. There are plenty of non-abusive, grown-up men out there. Don't settle for this. Please. PS. I separated from my abusive husband in 1993, divorced in 1995 and never remarried. 18 years later, I'm still looking but will NEVER settle for less than what I deserve. And if that means I die alone...so be it.

[Mauschen]

No matter your age, you should never settle for someone with abusive, immature, irresponsible behavior. Life is simply too short. Of course no one is perfect, but there are men who are not abusive and also mature. Otherwise, being alone is not a bad option at all!

[Forever Learning]

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this guy. Never marry a man who blames you for his own stuff. As an abuse survivor, you are apt to look for the familiar...an abusive man. There are plenty of non-abusive, grown-up men out there. Don't settle for this. Please. PS. I separated from my abusive husband in 1993, divorced in 1995 and never remarried. 18 years later, I'm still looking but will NEVER settle for less than what I deserve. And if that means I die alone...so be it.

 

 

Gospel Truth !! Are you listening Lucky Lady 13? Walk away! I dont care how old you are, you don't want a guy who can't take responsibility for his own actions and blames you for his stuff.

 

I just spent 15 years trying to fix an assh*le like this. What a complete waste of time and energy that could have been better used on so much else. However, that's life. You live and learn. Educate yourself on these type people, that is step one. There is a strong possibility he has a personality disorder, incureable. This will help you understand him: http://www.lisaescott.com/ and once your eyes are opened, it is not so hard to see what you need to do. Walk away and know better for next time. There are better men out there. Don't stick with one that causes you misery (and he will if he acts like a spoiled little boy and blames you when things don't go his way. It's abuse, plain and simple).

[elleorbianca]

I think some people may be projecting their abusive relationships on you because you have mentioned your past. I think this is something you guys can work on. Maybe get counseling? And independence is nice but be practical. I would never advise staying in an abusive relationship bc of age. But you aren't in an abusive relationship so try a different approach and work it out IF he is on board in trying to work on himself.

[LuckyLady13]

My judgement is more clouded than I thought.

 

 

I had a feeling about this. You see, I had an ex-boyfriend who got himself into such a paranoid state of mind (freebasing) that he convinced himself I was cheating on him (with some imaginary guy) and was about to leave him. I went to his house one day and we were in the bedroom. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary that day. What seemed like moments later, he was setting the room on fire and blocking the doorway. He knew I had a fear of house fires. He managed to get out the door and hold it shut. I thought I was just going to climb out the window. His grandmother was there and I heard her crying and screaming "you're going to kill her" but I still thought there's two windows, I've got two ways out. No problem. I climbed onto the bed and tried to open a window. That's when I saw the nails. He had nailed both windows shut earlier in the day before I got there and this was pre-meditated...

 

In comparison to abuse like this, I knew I was seeing the guy I'm with now yelling at me and blaming me for his mistakes with rose colored glasses. I haven't been locked in any rooms or pushed off stairs or anything I know of as abuse. Meanwhile, I'm slowly getting unhappy to the point I hardly smile anymore. I don't joke around like I used to. The best times I have are with my best friend or my dog. I knew something was wrong.

 

Also, recently I was starting to recognize this blame-shift behavior. The guy that pushed me off stairs used to tell me it was my fault he did stuff like this because "I made him upset". And my mother has blamed me for everything she's done in her life that she's not satisfied with including marrying my father right before I was born.

 

The only time I've seen this blame-shifting is with abusers.

 

From the responses I'm getting, you guys are just solidifying what my instincts were trying to tell me.

[LuckyLady13]

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this guy. Never marry a man who blames you for his own stuff. As an abuse survivor, you are apt to look for the familiar...an abusive man. There are plenty of non-abusive, grown-up men out there.

 

You know exactly what you're talking about. It's so familiar to me for someone to blame me for whatever it is they are doing. I'm so used to it. I don't just stand there and take it but I'm at a point now that I just don't want to defend myself anymore. I'm tired of saying "I had nothing to do with this". This is so not what a relationship is about.

[LuckyLady13]

Whoa! Are you like on your deathbed or something? Unless you are, you always have time to walk away.

 

Great point!

 

Here's a couple things I noticed from your post:

You couldn't fix your family, so you tried to fix his. Nothing wrong in helping out a bit, but look at your motivation. You can't fix your family

 

I totally didn't see it that way but you're right!

 

You're no longer in abusive relationships, that's great. Really great. But you're still in relationships where you sell yourself short. Staying with this guy is selling yourself short.

 

 

I don't mean to insult you, but it seems like you still have some things to work on in therapy.

 

You didn't insult me in any way. You're just being honest and I appreciate it. I know (no matter my motivation) I've gone above and beyond to help this guy out in his life and he's taken advantage of it, doesn't deserve the things I've done because he certainly didn't earn it...

 

I am selling myself short.

[LuckyLady13]

No matter your age, you should never settle for someone with abusive, immature, irresponsible behavior. Life is simply too short. Of course no one is perfect, but there are men who are not abusive and also mature. Otherwise, being alone is not a bad option at all!

 

Okay, you're the second person now to talk about mature men. Is there a singles bar out there called 'The Maturity Bar' or something? Where are they hanging out at?

[KathyM]

The guy has emotional issues because of his bad history in his family of origin. He needs psychological counseling. Blaming a partner for everything is a form of verbal abuse. Because he felt so powerless as a child because of his dysfunctional family, he is trying to assert inappropriate power over you by blaming you for stuff. He needs counseling. I would suggest dropping the guy. He's psychologically damaged. You seem to have adjusted to your issues because of the therapy you received, but one word to the wise--don't let your past history of abuse to define you. Let the definition be who you are now, not who you were or what was done to you.

[Mauschen]

Okay, you're the second person now to talk about mature men. Is there a singles bar out there called 'The Maturity Bar' or something? Where are they hanging out at?

 

Haha! I met my husband at work... I had a plan to meet an educated man with a professional long-term position in a good company. I know there are abusers in this group too, but my thought process was that if they managed to complete university and maintain long-term employment on good terms with supervisors and co-workers, my chances were better. I knew many of the people on his project team and asked them a lot of questions before seriously dating him. In fact, I met many good men at work and had a hard time narrowing it down to one. Of course, I made sure none of them were on my project team...

 

Otherwise, I would have rather been single than with my abusive ex or any other man that was even slightly abusive.

[RiverRunning]

I can understand you may be feeling like time's run out and there's no one else out there - that is especially true for women (who increasingly outnumber men as they age - because men are more likely to be gay, married or they get themselves killed in numerous stupid ways. It's true!). But at the same time, would it really be so awful to be by yourself, instead of endlessly hearing someone rant at you that it's all your fault, all the time?

 

Your boyfriend doesn't have a girlfriend - he has a scapegoat. Someone convenient to thrust all of his unpleasant feelings on. You should ask him if he knows what "projection" is. Keep a web-site on it bookmarked. Show it to him. Is he being physically violent with you? If he is, it's time to get out ASAP period. Verbal abuse is still very bad, though - and you shouldn't tolerate it.

 

You need to lay out your terms and yes, give him an ultimatum: either he gets into therapy and starts working on his issues with blaming everyone else but himself for his problems, or you are walking. And stick to it. Set a deadline. If he doesn't follow through, you walk. If he does, you stick around a while longer and see if he shows any improvements. If he does, only you can decide what to do then.

 

I've had something of a history of choosing awful men myself - only my family was not physically abusive, but verbally abusive (I was the family scapegoat). There is NOTHING You could say to me to get me to go back to my family of origin, nor to a partner who would make me feel so God-awful about myself as all that again. You are worth something and you are worth better than this.

 

Where do you meet these men? Do you have any friends who know any decent men? Someone who can vouch for the character of the men you meet? Given your current track record, it may be best to try and meet single men through people you already know, rather than trying the online route. At least that way you can have a friend say, "I've known George for years. He's great with his kids, he's looking for a woman who will make a great step-mother to them. He's funny, polite and gentle."

[bigmomma1974]

I could be off base here but sounds like a bit of emotional abuse which is jsut as bad as physical abuse. Your man has some issues he needs to deal with and you alone cant fix it. Sit him down and tell him that you are tired of him blaming you for things you have nothing to do with and you think he needs to talk to someone about this. If he doesn't take it seriously leave. you deserve a man who loves and respects you for who you are. You don't deserve to be toyed with and be the butt of his anger. As for age it is a mere number. Happiness happens at all ages.

[in_absentia]

I didn't read all of your post, but I just wanted to chip in and say that 'I tried for six solid months to explain that he had it easier than he realised' sounds really horrible. I know you have had an awful past and I don't doubt that for a second, but however awful your past is, his past can feel equally as awful to him, and if I was in his position and had someone saying 'cheer up, it's not as bad as what I went through' I would find the person incredibly insensitive and self-pitying and leave. No one holds the monopoly on going through a hard time... sure if he was upset because I don't know, he had one argument with his parents in his teens and it still bothered him then that would appear very excessive but not having seen your dad in years is a pretty big deal. And you refer to the issues he has with his mother as 'minor', adding the sister part like an afterthought, that's really not cool.

 

I just read the rest and it's admirable that you feel you want to help him reconnect with his dad and sort things out with his mum but it sounds like you're pushing him. And you said you have no hope with your family, maybe you're projecting your need to have a decent family onto him and his family now, which would feel a little overwhelming. When it comes to people's families, they've had longer in them than the new partner, it pays to trust their judgment and date the person as a whole instead of trying to wade in and fix things that were long broken before you got there.