I snooped :(

[lonley73]

In the 12 years we've been together, I've never snooped. Well last week my curiosity got the best of me and I went through H's emails. He always seemed to have money yet I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Well know I have a better idea.

 

- He's maxxed out 2 credit cards (relatively low limits 1000k and 300, but we just filed bankruptcy less than a year ago)

- He sold a very expensive watch that was given to him by a now deceased family member for half of it's value (5k)

- He took out a personal signature loan (I don't know the amount but his email to a friend asking for a loan to pay the signature loan off said the loan was at 29.99% interest and he was asking for 1700)

- Sold another watch for $450 (i didn't even know he had this watch - have no idea where it came from)

- Sold a camcorder that I bought him - explains why he couldn't find it when I ask him about it so we could use it on vacation.

 

All of this occurred in the last 3 months and it definitely explains why he always seems to have money to buy things and why I can't figure out where it is coming from (when I ask he always has some story - he got a great deal or the item was "free", "given" to him etc. - his luck seemed to good to be true hence the reason I finally broke down and snooped.)

 

I also discovered that he did the following:

 

Applied for an Auto loan on 6/2 and 6/14 for a 2009 BMW (I assume he was not approved as I have not seen a new car appear - he has bought 3 cars in the past without telling me beforehand).

 

- He also made multiple expensive purchase (a new Bose headset in April for $350, new iphone, new philip stein watch, etc.)

- Got new credit card in March that he did not discuss with me first or tell me about until it came it and he started using it.

 

Now what? Whenever I try to discuss issues around money he says he doesn't want to talk about money. I feel completely betrayed and am worried he is going to take us right back to bankruptcy.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach this since the information was discovered by snooping? I know he will be angry but I feel that I have every right to be angry and feel justified in my actions given his unwillingness to discuss our finances.

[coolheadal]

Who's the head of the household?

Are you the one with the money?

Is the house in your name only?

 

Snooping we have to do when the spouse won't come clean to us. I had to do it myself otherwise I would never knew where all the money has gone. She was never paying the mortgage or any of her vehicle payments on time. All she wants to do is party and take expensive vacations. She need to pay her bills.

[lonley73]

We both earn about the same (I make about 15k more with overtime). We have a joint account that we pay all of our household bills and joint expenses with and then we both get an allowance in our separate bank accounts. He tends to run out of money in his account and takes from the joint account. This has been a point of contention between us for many years.

 

We lost our home in bankruptcy so now we rent. I regularly check to make sure the rent check has cleared and I have my car payment set up on auto pay. His car and motorcycle are paid in full.

 

I snooped because things just weren't adding up. Know I don't know what to do. We have other issues, but how we manage our money has always been an issue.

[whichwayisup]

What do you mean you both get an allowance in your separate accounts?

 

You need to tell him what you saw and you're concerned. You can't be in a marriage with this kind of stuff going on, hiding and spending money that he doesn't have, yet he's hocking stuff for more money. He has a problem and needs help otherwise you're gonna lose everything and be dept for a long long time. You can't sit and do nothing now that you know this information.

[NoReallyThatHappened]

OMG. I've been here. My ex used to "win" things or get "free" things all the time. He was up past his eyeballs in debt and while I worked three jobs to get our debt down he "could only work one" and was taking all this money off the top of his paycheck to play around with.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg

 

 

We are now divorced.

 

Anyway, print off the emails, get your ducks in a row and confront him. In a marriage you don't get to do what you want just because you want to. It's a joint effort. He's eroding the trust the is necessary between the two of you for a long happy life together.

[lonley73]

Guess this is a pointless thread. I just apoligized for snooping, but ask some hard questions and his response was to pack his bags and leave without answering any of my questions.

 

That really hurt.

[Mauschen]

Not a pointless thread at all - your husband was deceiving you and then left when confronted. Make sure to file for divorce right away so you are not responsible for his debt acquired after your separation.

 

I'm sorry for your loss - it is painful when someone chooses their addiction (which your hubby likely has) over a relationship.

[lonley73]

I'm going to stay with family. My husband is through with the marrriage. I guess I feel like things ended abruptly and I have no idea what is going on or why everything ended so suddenly. Since he won't talk to me, I guess I'll never really understand what happened.

[whichwayisup]

You wouldn't have to snoop if he was communicating with you. I know you feel bad, him not talking to you, but it's because he KNOWS he was busted and you know what he's been doing. He has to talk to you eventually, let him cool off. He also probably isn't ready to own his sh.it , he's pissed off and his ego is bruised that you know what's what.

[lonley73]

He called me yesterday evening. Says he wants to work on the marriage and he is sorry but he's still not being honest with me. He told me that the $1700 he was asking to borrow from his friend was actually so that his friend could show an ex-girlfriend (whom he claims he has been loaning money to for the past 5 years) an email that he had to deny a friend a loan so that she would believe him when he said he didn't have any money to loan her. Even as I type this it sounds more and more ridiculous.

My question to him was if that is the truth, why couldn't he just tell me that when I ask initially? Now he's had 2 days to come up with a story ... and not a very believable one at that. His response was that he didn't want to embarrass his friend... a friend I have no contact with that lives halfway across the country. How dumb does he think I am?!

[Kamille]

How on Earth is he qualifying for credit if you two just filed for bankrupcy a year ago?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this lonley. He has issues linked to spending - but I definitely do not think your marriage is ruined.

 

I don't know if you'll be able to view it where you are, but here in Canada we have a tv reality show called 'Til Debt do Us Apart, which tackles precisely the kind of issues you're dealing with. Here, it airs on Slice. Canadians can view episodes online. The "host", Gail Vax-Oxlade, also has a series of books about financial planning, but I actually think the show would be the most beneficial right now. In it, Gail tackles as much the psychological toll of over-spending on relationships as she does its financial toll. She also looks at how relationship problems contribute to over-spending (The books are mostly focused on financial planning).

 

 

 

My question to him was if that is the truth, why couldn't he just tell me that when I ask initially? Now he's had 2 days to come up with a story ... and not a very believable one at that. His response was that he didn't want to embarrass his friend... a friend I have no contact with that lives halfway across the country. How dumb does he think I am?!

 

The way I see it, the priority should be on figuring out why he hides his spending from you. First, he needs to figure out why he has a propensity to over-spend. What emotional need/void, does it feed? He'll likely need help and support with this, but it would probably best if he sought it from a professional. You're, after all, suffering the consequences of his over-spending, so you're likely part of some guilt he carries about it. Second, you both need to figure out why his reflex is to hide this spending from you. Is there something in the dynamic of your relationship that makes it hard for you two to work together towards achieving financial freedom?

 

Anyway, if you get to see the show, you'll see you're far from being alone in this. Best of luck!

Edited July 13, 2011 by Kamille

[worldgonewrong]

Could drugs be a factor here? Or gambling?

[lonley73]

I don't think drugs or gambeling are involved (I haven't found any indication of that), but at this point I guess anyting is possible.

 

I think I've caught 'Til Debt do Us Apart once or twice on TLC or Discovery. At the time I was going through BK and found it very interesting. Thanks for the reminder. I'm look it up and see when it is playing.

Edited July 13, 2011 by lonley73

[lonley73]

So in response to this email that H sent:

 

hope you sleep well tonight! I do not feel very good, I have a stomach ache and I am tired. I am going to bed early. I feel a little better after our conversation this evening; I realize I need to make some changes and I plan to make some. I won't explain it all because as you point out, their just words and we need action. I really dont like the fact that I hurt you, it is not intentional, I promise! I want to make this marriage work because I like you and I love you! Hope to see you soon.

 

Loves!

 

 

I sent this email:

 

 

 

I want to respond to the email you sent me. I would like to work on the marriage, but I can't do it alone. Right now I feel deceived, and I want complete honesty in our relationship. I will commit to working on our marriage even if you tell me things I don't want to hear as long as you are honest with me. If you are not completely honest then my desire to work on our relationship will fade.

 

I’m looking for a partner that wants to SHARE a life with me; not simply exist in my life or have me exist in theirs. You need to think about whether that is truly what you want also. I’m not content to have a marriage without companionship. Marriage just for the sake of being married doesn’t work for me anymore. I’ve been trying to tell you this for quite a while now and have really just reached the point that I can no longer try to fix and patch things on my own.

 

If you still think you want to work on our relationship, I feel that if we are to make any progress we need to go to marriage counseling so that we can improve our communication. Below is the contact information for a MFT that was recommended to me. She is in ____ Beach. I know that you have been against this in the past, but for me I feel this is necessary and important. It is your call though. If you decide to make an appointment, please let me know.

 

I’m still having a hard time with your explanation of the email you sent to Friend and the fact that you sold your step-dad’s watch (shortly after you ask for a loan from Friend). I feel like there is something you are not telling me. Now is the time to come clean if there is more to the story. If I find out that you have not been completely honest with me (even if it’s by omission) after being given multiple opportunities to tell the truth, I’ll have no choice but to end our relationship. I cannot be with someone who is unwilling to be honest with me.

 

I’m sorry you are hurting and I’m sorry things have come to this. I do love you very much, but for me it has reached the point that love just isn’t enough. I want and need more to be happy. I need to be included, I need to feel wanted and I want a companion. I hope you are able to understand where I am coming from, but understand if you do not agree and want to move towards a different path.

 

If you don’t think that you can accept my requests or that we can work towards a compromise to make the relationship work, please let me know. I’d rather work through the heartache now and get to a place where I can be happy rather than be strung along only to end up right where we are now 6 months down the road. I’m not saying this to be mean or negative; I’m simply saying this because I believe we both deserve to be happy.

 

I love you and hope you are willing to fight for our relationship.

 

Love,

me

 

Unfortunately after he read my email he has decided that he thinks it is best for me that we go our seperate ways. He said he is who he is and he can't make changes.