That_girl Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Everyone says that I didn't deserve the treatment I got from my ex. He cheated on me, belittled me, was controlling and overly critical. I was only with him for seven months, but I could feel myself losing more and more of my self-esteem as time went on with him. I think some of the stuff he did could be described as "abusive" behaviour. Particularly, the physical stuff, like shaking me, and grabbing me, and hitting walls and stuff. With all that said, I can't seem to forget about the time when he said that I was the abusive one. Why would he say that? Because I no longer trusted him to go on another trip after he had cheated? Because I was suspicious every time he went out without me? Because I stayed with him even after he cheated and never let him forget it? Because I wanted him to suffer? I feel like a lot of my posts here were very one-sided. I can't torture myself any longer...I have to own up to the fact that if I didn't want to be with a cheater, I should have ended it with him months before and not dragged it out for so long. I don't feel as confident or self-righteous as people say I should right now. I feel like ****. I'm lonely, I'm bitter and I'm pathetic. Maybe he was right, maybe I was the abusive one. If I was so innocent, wouldn't I have been over this by now? It's been almost 4 months!! What good is my job, or my intelligence, or my strength, or my beauty, or my empathy, if I have no one to share it with?? I'm started to get worried. I don't know why I'm still so stuck on this person. Maybe it's because the abuse is the only thing I know. I had a father that never really gave a **** about anything but himself. Cheated on my stepmom and probably my mom. A mother that stayed with her crackhead boyfriend for years because she couldnt stand being alone. And I myself have been in an abusive relationship before this one, and it was actually physically abusive. I feel like every man cheats and lies and can never be trusted...and it's no wonder with the role models that I have. Link to post Share on other sites
PelicanPete Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You deserved it because you didn't leave sooner. You dragged the relationship out even though he was abusing you instead of taking a standing up for yourself and leaving. That doesn't make you an abuser though. You were just a door mat during the relationship, so your ego is probably a little bruised which is making it harder to move past this because you are reflecting on the past to try to find confidence and validate your actions. What good is my job, or my intelligence, or my strength, or my beauty, or my empathy, if I have no one to share it with?? So in other words, what good are you without someone else? Isn't that a silly question? You are still a person and an individual. The only person that validates your purpose is yourself. If we needed to share our life and abilities with someone else, we would all be born as conjoined twins I had a father that never really gave a **** about anything but himself. Cheated on my stepmom and probably my mom. A mother that stayed with her crackhead boyfriend for years because she couldnt stand being alone. And I myself have been in an abusive relationship before this one, and it was actually physically abusive. There is a reason why it's called "past". I can go on and on about all of the things that happened to me and use it as an excuse for the way I am, or I can let it be the past and realize who I use to be and what use to be has no place in the present or the future. Link to post Share on other sites
RIO5 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I feel like every man cheats and lies and can never be trusted...and it's no wonder with the role models that I have. Generalizing has got to be one of the most ignorant things we humans can do with our lives. Everyone goes through the trials and tribulations in life but to walk away from our troubles with a 'one sided' view wont get you too far in life. It seems that you dealt with 'boys' in your life. Try dating a 'gentlemen'. They are out there. Once you find him, dont take him for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 you sound angry and overwhelmed with life. it's understandable considering many of the things you have encountered in life. life is a journey, and it sounds like so far alot of your journey has been a bummer and you're pissed! I understand, I still get pissed sometimes too over stuff from my childhood, and from my 15 year marriage to an abusive man. I might always be somewhat pissed about it to some extent, but the thing I wanted to tell you is that, you don't have to be furious and miserable forever. you can work through it. but it takes time, it's not overnight. I'm not blaming you for anything, by the way. I'm just letting you know there are things you can do, to start the 'detox' process and start healing. Wouldn't healing be nice? Wouldn't a peaceful feeling be nice? Wouldn't happiness be nice? They are all yours for the taking. There are a million ways to get there from here. You should consider therapy. If you don't like the therapist, get a new one until you find one you like. Attend a 12 step program (google it, there's one for just about everything nowadays. the principles in the program are eye opening). read all you around here, to learn about other people's experiences, how they felt, what they did, what advice they got. read up on this place (its just one I like alot) http://www.lisaescott.com/ . the point is, you dont have to be drowning in bitterness and frustration forever. but you do have to work on your own healing. its a process, not a quick fix. take care and all the best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I just get really discouraged...some days I feel like there is hope for me. and others, I feel like I deserve everything I've gotten insofar as these crappy relationships go. I'm addicted to this person and I have to pull myself out of it because its destroying me. I am seeing a therapist to work on this, but I guess I really need to control these bitter moments I get. Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Simply put. Your wrong. There ARE guys like me out there that would never lay a hand on somebody they care about. Who would never hurt somebody they love. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, my grandparents have been married for 63. Good genuine guys are out there, were not all scumbag *********s. Only problem is that good guys are Raaaaaare, i just moved to a new city and it is apparent that most guys are scumbags from the way that they treat women. I have never cheated on any girl I was dating, and never will. I value honesty. (I am not trying to toot my horn here, I just wanted to make a point) Link to post Share on other sites
Ally-65 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Listen, i have been in the same situation as you. My first BF was abusive, physically and mentally. Since then, for whatever reason, my relationships don't work out and I get my heart broken. Now, I've been told that "abusive relationships" are what I crave. Even though, I know I dont deserve them or want them. I really think you need to talk to someone about it. You were not the abusive one in the relationship but have, for some reason, come to believe that. None of us deserve that sort of guy, but when we feel "abusive" relationships is all we know.... I think we need to look much further into ourselves to find out why. But trust me, I know how you feel. My heart is broken over a guy who was a complete control freak. Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Simply put. Your wrong. There ARE guys like me out there that would never lay a hand on somebody they care about. Who would never hurt somebody they love. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, my grandparents have been married for 63. Good genuine guys are out there, were not all scumbag *********s. Only problem is that good guys are Raaaaaare, i just moved to a new city and it is apparent that most guys are scumbags from the way that they treat women. I have never cheated on any girl I was dating, and never will. I value honesty. (I am not trying to toot my horn here, I just wanted to make a point) Where de YOU live? Hah Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Simply put. Your wrong. There ARE guys like me out there that would never lay a hand on somebody they care about. Who would never hurt somebody they love. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, my grandparents have been married for 63. Good genuine guys are out there, were not all scumbag *********s. Only problem is that good guys are Raaaaaare, i just moved to a new city and it is apparent that most guys are scumbags from the way that they treat women. I have never cheated on any girl I was dating, and never will. I value honesty. (I am not trying to toot my horn here, I just wanted to make a point) Where de YOU live? Hah Damn it! All the good guys live on Mars! Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 ^^ Was thinking the same. "Where have all the good men gone? And where are all the gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?" Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Trust me there are good people out there. I live in the US, not Mars. I do not know why I put that there. For a while I felt like I was being a little to personal with my posts, and I wanted to throw people off my trail . I haven't told ANYBODY that I post on this website. It would be pretty humiliating if people found out that I am a "loveshacker." Anyways, believe me. There are tons of good guys out there, and you too will find one. I always walk by a sign on the street that is for a show called "Happily Divorced" with a quote on it that says "All the good men are either gay or married, I got both..." It always makes me laugh. I just need to find the right girl, but I am in no rush at this point. I have a lot of things to figure out before I get serious with someone again. Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Good. Now all I have to do is to find that sign mwahahahaha Link to post Share on other sites
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