Meatballsmom Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yas Classic blameshifting Try the dog ate my homework Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yas Classic blameshifting Try the dog ate my homework What does that mean meat-o-mom? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm just trying to be as careful as possible right now until we get the separation agreement signed. We were waiting to do it until the end of the year to save some money, but, I'm now in a position to qualify to re-finance my house and buy her out and I have to have a legal separation agreement in place to do that...so I'm jumping on that. We have both been living up to what we agreed on, but it's NOT actually legal right now and, we all know how quickly things can change in this insanity. I understand about being careful - I can relate, you have an agreement date approaching and saying the wrong thing can tick them off and change everything. Sometimes we have to tip-toe when we want to basically tell them to f-off! I have had close to zero contact with my ex since the end of June, I did send a text a few weeks ago asking about paying me back some money she owed - this was the exact text: "Hey, before you take off will you be able to pay me back that money?" her reply: "stop harrassing me!"... Of course my instinct told me to call her right away and curse her crazy self out but if you remember my story I am taking care of her girl and I figured I'll just let it slide - let her leave, it's only money, I don't want her getting pissed off and maybe uprooting this girl and dragging her to go live with a stranger 2000 miles away... so yes, until they are free and clear of us (in your case the divorce being final) sometimes we still have to eat a little s$#t... Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 So, yesterday she asks if I want to come to dinner next Friday because some of our "shared" friends are bringing their kids and going to her house for dinner. I told her I'd have to see what I had going on, but I can't think of many things more uncomfortable for our friends...bizarre...when I dropped the kids off later, she said she didn't understand how going to her house for dinner was any different than doing things with her family. I didn't remind her that I haven't done anything with her family...mostly because OM has been there the last few times her family was around. I talked with my buddy last night and he said he would have backed out if I was going to dinner with all of them and then told me that he heard that OM is now out of the picture. Funny how the timing works out with that...he leaves and she suddenly wants to start doing things with me. Anyway, I get an email today from her talking about how she knows I want to keep the kids in the area and in the school district, but she can't afford anything here and needs to find a place to settle down and "start her life over." She said she still deals with a lot of guilt about breaking up the M and needs a support network like I have here with my family. I wanted to flip out on her and point out all the obvious things she's screwed up, done wrong, been hypocritical about and SHOW HER what exactly she did to the kids and I with her COMPLETELY selfish decision that fell apart...but, I didn't. I searched around online, sent her links to a few houses in the school district that were in her price range, told her I'm willing to talk about any ideas she has, but really would like to keep the kids in their school, with their friends, and can't really move because of my job and the house. I also told her I just have too many emotions and too much confusion to hang out with her or talk about "us" and just want to avoid doing anything that will further confuse the kids or cause them any more trouble. ...ugg... Insanity and denial... Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 ...ugg... Insanity and denial... stay strong... he behavior is predictable, the new guy didn't work out so she's back to plan B (you're plan B, you're the back burner, you're her second choice)... I'm not saying this to rub it in I just want you to stay focused... I know how it can be tempting to have your family "together" again... but that ship has sailed, keep moving forward... BTW - good move in sending her the links to the houses she could afford... it's not your job but for the kids sake whenever she says she "can't" show her the facts that say she "can"... Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I also told her I just have too many emotions and too much confusion to hang out with her or talk about "us" and just want to avoid doing anything that will further confuse the kids or cause them any more trouble. I think that's perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 debtman: I'll preface this by saying I'm forever an optomist when it comes to M. I don't know your whole background (other than why W left you which was quite lame) but, how do you know W doesn't regret what she did and wants her family back, including you? I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair", and one case study that's discussed is a situation where W cheated on her H, W eventually was dumped by OM, W then asked H to move back into the house and she never apologized. H was her Plan B but apparently they're happily married. Why don't you two try MC? Or is this a case where, under NO circumstances would you want her back because you don't want to risk a repeat performance? To be clear, I'm not asking you to "justify" your decision - I'm just curious why you're hesitant to attempt reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair", and one case study that's discussed is a situation where W cheated on her H, W eventually was dumped by OM, W then asked H to move back into the house and she never apologized. H was her Plan B but apparently they're happily married. . seems like a case study in what NOT to do... she gets dumped by her new guy, husband takes her back, she shows no remorse... what man would be happy with that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Andyg99: You've got a great sense of humor. Really. The way you say things is both straightforward and funny (like your BS definition in another post). Read the book if you can - it's a quick and easy read - it's written by Dr. Harley of the marriagebuilders website. Although its nice to be on the receiving end of an apology SOMETIMES people don't need to apologize if they clearly show remorse by their actions. Or, Andy, do you disagree with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 itllgetbetter, thanks for the perspective, but, after how she acted about the entire situation for the first 7-8 months and completely disregarded our history and chose her own selfishness over our family and our kids, there's no way I'll EVER submit my kids, or myself, to that again. I'm sure she does feel regret and is remorseful and, she's told me numerous times how she's learned so much about herself and relationships in these books that she's been reading, etc. But, sometimes, people are who they are. Now, the key is doing everything I can to keep her from wanting to move out of the area. It would force me to make a decision to leave my job, house, friends and family to stay closer to the kids. It would be great if we can avoid making them change schools, but she's just convinced she can't afford anything in this area...Realistically, without child support, I don't think she can afford a house at all...Hopefully, once they're both in school, next September we'll be in the same school district and we can split time 50/50...that would be ideal...and, hopefully, result in a reduction in child support as well. Why did she have to go and decide that some other guy was more important than our family?! Of course, she says it has nothing to do with him, but, as soon as they break up, she's right back knocking on my door...she's so completely incapable... Andy, you're right, that ship is WELL out to sea. In much bluer waters. Back to the diplomacy... Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 debtman: I haven't read your whole thread so, I'm not sure about the custody arrangement for your kids. Do you see them on weekends? Would you be willing to take custody full time so that theywouldn't have to switch schools, move, etc.? I imagine though that if you tried that, your W would fight it, partially for the child support payments she's currently getting from you. To state the obvious, make sure to keep a copy of the house listings you sent her (which was VERY nice of you to do) in case she wants to move further away. Maybe you could prevent her from doing so if you can demonstrate that there are affordable living arrangements within her current vicinity so that the kids aren't uprooted and you don't have to get another job. I hope you don't mind but this next question is for my own benefit: was there a time when, after she left, you still wanted her and your family to be together, and if so, how long did it take for you to come to the realization that you don't want her back? I'm asking this because I'd like to be in that position myself. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Andyg99: You've got a great sense of humor. Really. The way you say things is both straightforward and funny (like your BS definition in another post). Read the book if you can - it's a quick and easy read - it's written by Dr. Harley of the marriagebuilders website. Although its nice to be on the receiving end of an apology SOMETIMES people don't need to apologize if they clearly show remorse by their actions. Or, Andy, do you disagree with that? yes, I disagree 100%... there was a thread here started by a lady whose husband was leaving - he brought up her affair from 10 years ago, she thought they were beyond that and that they both moved on... it starts with an apology, then following the apology a plan needs to be agreed on, then the cheater needs to follow through with the plan... Now I don't know if the couple that I mentioned had any kind of plan but maybe she came back and just went on like nothing happened and figured her actions would show him... words without actions are useless, I agree. But unless there is an apology then there is just a cheater coming back into your life and you have to question everything they do, even when they are being nice... with no apology wouldn't the natural response to them doing good be "I wonder why they are being so nice? what's the catch?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I hope you don't mind but this next question is for my own benefit: was there a time when, after she left, you still wanted her and your family to be together, and if so, how long did it take for you to come to the realization that you don't want her back? I'm asking this because I'd like to be in that position myself. No problem...there was most definitely a time I wanted her back (for about the first 4 months), and I STILL want my family to be together, but, about 5 or 6 months after it was over, I finally just DECIDED that I wasn't going to spend another minute thinking about what she did and what I was missing and to get out and make the most of everyday. Not always easy...not always what you want to do, but, it's what you HAVE to do. For yourself, for your kids, for your next partner. Life is too incredible to waste a second on what was and what could have been...it's over...not sure what it was that made me come to that place, but, I know being on here and reading other people's stories and struggles certainly helped... Good luck and keep posting... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Debtman: Thanks for the above information. I REALLY hope to be where you're at soon. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Debtman: Thanks for the above information. I REALLY hope to be where you're at soon. Don't HOPE - do what needs to be done... Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Andyg99: Yes Andy - am getting there SLOWLY - more good days than bad. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Andyg99: Yes Andy - am getting there SLOWLY - more good days than bad. GOOD! it doesn't matter how fast you move just as long as you are going in the right direction! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) I don't recall is papers for divorce or separation have been filed. The reason I ask is if you are living in the states, quite often, the spouse that wants to move out of the area cannot take the kids unless they get permission from the courts. Edited September 9, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon missing word Link to post Share on other sites
Author debtman Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 2.50 a gallon, the separation papers are all written up, but have not been signed yet. We were waiting for the end of the year to file them as divorce papers to save some money and to keep things together for taxes & insurance, but, now that I can qualify to re-finance the house and buy her out, we'll have to get the papers signed for the buy out...which will be very good... itllgetbetter, no problem. You'll get there, just takes time... Link to post Share on other sites
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