Insanity and denial

[debtman]

updown and ver13,

 

Absolutely, have to make the best of the situation and keep moving on towards positivity.

 

stbx called yesterday and said "I know I had brought up us going to counseling to deal with our communication so that we can avoid arguments about the kids, but, I think we're doing pretty good with that, but, I wanted to ask you what you would think about us getting together once a month or so with the kids and going out and all doing something together. I think the kids would really like that."

 

I told her I would have to think about that and would get back to her, since I was right in the middle of work when she called. I didn't/don't want to tell her that it's just not going to happen because I knew it would set her off. She just doesn't get that she was the one that said our relationship/marriage wasn't working, she was the one that IMMEDIATELY hooked up with OM (even though she consistently tells me that had nothing to do with our D) and she IS the one that has taken half my kids lives away from me as well as putting a HUGE financial burden on me by taking the most child support she can legally take. It's like she thinks I really want to be her friend regardless of how she has treated me and what she has done to me.

 

Why would I want to spend time with someone who sends nasty emails telling me about all the things I did wrong in our relationship?

 

So, the next time she brings it up, I'm just going to tell her that I think it would be very confusing for the kids to see us hanging out and doing things together. They've had enough confusion in their lives between moving, not seeing both of their parents every day and suddenly having this new man in their lives and in their mother's bed.

 

Just unbelievable...she's doing anything she can to help relieve the guilt she feels and, I think she may actually be realizing that things were pretty good in our family before she got all titillated with a new relationship. Also, she's hearing through the grapevine that I'm going out and doing things with other women and I think that's bothering her more than she thought it would.

[robf1971]

that I'm going out and doing things with other women and I think that's bothering her more than she thought it would.

 

Just you wait until you meet someone else, your ex is gonna be spinning up you like Sonic the Hedgehog. She will try to ruin it every way she can.

[Tech_E]

Tell her to go pound sand.

 

Go out together once a month so you can help her deal with her guilt for being a cheating POS?

 

This woman is out of her *****ing mind! Totally out of her mind!

 

You have the patience of a saint.

[jaymz]

Debtman, what do you do for the kids birthdays?

 

Do you have separate parties?

 

Have One party you all go to?

 

Or share the kid that day?

[robf1971]

updown and ver13,

 

Absolutely, have to make the best of the situation and keep moving on towards positivity.

 

stbx called yesterday and said "I know I had brought up us going to counseling to deal with our communication so that we can avoid arguments about the kids, but, I think we're doing pretty good with that, but, I wanted to ask you what you would think about us getting together once a month or so with the kids and going out and all doing something together. I think the kids would really like that."

 

I told her I would have to think about that and would get back to her, since I was right in the middle of work when she called. I didn't/don't want to tell her that it's just not going to happen because I knew it would set her off. She just doesn't get that she was the one that said our relationship/marriage wasn't working, she was the one that IMMEDIATELY hooked up with OM (even though she consistently tells me that had nothing to do with our D) and she IS the one that has taken half my kids lives away from me as well as putting a HUGE financial burden on me by taking the most child support she can legally take. It's like she thinks I really want to be her friend regardless of how she has treated me and what she has done to me.

 

Why would I want to spend time with someone who sends nasty emails telling me about all the things I did wrong in our relationship?

 

So, the next time she brings it up, I'm just going to tell her that I think it would be very confusing for the kids to see us hanging out and doing things together. They've had enough confusion in their lives between moving, not seeing both of their parents every day and suddenly having this new man in their lives and in their mother's bed.

 

.

 

Lol you should tell her to bring OM and ask if it's ok for you to bring a date...

[debtman]

Yeah, I think me being friendly towards her, for the sake of the kids, is making her think that we're friends. It's like she just can't separate the past from reality. You would think, after her rapid departure from reality last Oct. that she would be better at that.

 

Looking forward to another night with the kids tonight and then, next Friday, I leave with them for 5 days at the Cape with my parents...what a welcome vacation that will be.

[updown]

she's a loon! she's still trying to have it both ways!!

[marqueemoon4]

every time I have to deal with my exPOS I'm going to think to myself WWDD (What Would Debtman Do)??

[debtman]

lol...thanks mm4, 'preciate the compliment, although, I must admit, if it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't be any sort of relationship break-up role model.

 

Robf1971, haha...good idea. Even funnier would be if I brought OM's wife as my date...lol...

 

jaymz, this was the first year of that and, since their birthdays are within 5 days of each other, we can still celebrate them together, so, I had a party for them at my parents house (since I was living there at the time) with all their cousins (on my side of the family), and all of our neighbors. She put together a bowling party for them and a bunch of their friends and, originally, OM was going to go, so I was going to skip it, but he ended up having other plans that day, so, I left the ski mountain (where I had been all day), went to their bowling party for 2 hours until it was over, had a GREAT time with all their friends and the parents and with my stbx's family. Then, after the party, she invited me back to her (my/our) house, but I said no thanks, hugged the kids and headed back out to the mountain...

 

Not sure what's going to happen next year, but, we'll do whatever works out best for the kids...

[Mz. Pixie]

Every cheating spouse has the illusion that she or he can be friends with their old spouse. That way you meet her need for what she loved about you while she has OM to meet the needs that he meets.

 

Tell her to stick it and it's confusing for the kids.

[Yasuandio]

Whenever you have chance to snap a nice juicy photo of the new nontraditional family about their daily routine, I would download, and print an 8x10 color glossy and post it to OM's Wife.

 

Even a "Still Life" of the car in the driveway can be aesthetic. Were you not considering going into photograhy anyway? I think it is very important to share your work since OM's Wife isn't "lucky" enough, like you, to have an effing bird's eye view. Isn't that a nice idea? Say, whatabout FB?

[debtman]

Mz. Pixie, absolutely. She still sticks to the belief that she never "cheated" on me since she told me the M was over before she started sleeping with OM. Somehow, that makes it right in her head. It's all about what you can rationalize.

 

Yas, great idea, but the last thing I want to do is cause more problems with her and OM. One of my friends told me the other day that I was lucky she had OM because, if she didn't, I would be hearing from her a LOT more...which is true.

 

I stopped at her sister's house last night on my way home from kayaking since I hadn't seen her and her husband since this all started and we always got along very well and hung out. I spent some time chatting with my brother-in-law about when he went out to my stbx's house for a family party a few weeks ago, and when he met OM, and he said he just can't see that working out and didn't really like the guy. He also said that he's heard several conversations between my stbx and her sister where she was saying that she "might" have made a mistake with me and maybe should have tried to work things out...

 

Part of me enjoyed hearing that, but mostly, I felt sorry for her because she'll have to live with what she did to our kids and how she treated me for the rest of her life. Makes me glad I have tried to stick to the "high road" along the way and that I have no regrets on how I handled the situation. It's all about focusing on the kids and trying to make sure that we both do whatever we need to do in order to make their lives as happy and stable as they can be.

 

Such a waste...but, glad that life is getting better, and, once I'm not struggling so much financially, things will be MUCH nicer.

[jaymz]

He also said that he's heard several conversations between my stbx and her sister where she was saying that she "might" have made a mistake with me and maybe should have tried to work things out...

 

If this was true, and she said all the right things, would you consider reconciling?

 

Its the worse scenario I can imagine happening to me, and despite everything, I don't trust myself to make a sane choice.

Edited July 25, 2011 by jaymz

[starting2wakeup]

debtman, if I had the money I would hire you to be my personal life coach in a minute. Your level headed thinking is a constant source of inspiration. Your children are very lucky to have you as their dad. All the best!

[Surfer203]

debtman would not go back, I know it. He is too smart and pulled together now. This guy has healed the most and made the most progress in my opinion.

[starting2wakeup]

debtman would not go back, I know it. He is too smart and pulled together now. This guy has healed the most and made the most progress in my opinion.

 

I would agree. I think that debtman has reached a point where he realizes he is better off / happier without her in his life. It's a clarity that I for one continue to struggle with.

[andyg99]

I stopped at her sister's house last night on my way home from kayaking since I hadn't seen her and her husband since this all started and we always got along very well and hung out. I spent some time chatting with my brother-in-law about when he went out to my stbx's house for a family party a few weeks ago, and when he met OM, and he said he just can't see that working out and didn't really like the guy. He also said that he's heard several conversations between my stbx and her sister where she was saying that she "might" have made a mistake with me and maybe should have tried to work things out...

 

Part of me enjoyed hearing that, but mostly, I felt sorry for her because she'll have to live with what she did to our kids and how she treated me for the rest of her life. .

 

Odds are that whatever guilt she has will be softened with the OM or whatever new guy is in the picture. Your case may lead to her trying to get back with you or at least giving you strong signals in hope that you make the move to get her back. Only you can decide if that is what you want. You are going so great right now - but if you have to ever make that decision just ask yourself if you want the life you had with her because it's 99% certain to be the same with the added bonus of knowing she could cheat on you again...

[just_some_guy]

Here's how it works:

 

Listen to your lawyer. Do get your paperwork signed and done. PERIOD.

 

Second, you're being setup for a custody fight. Your "dirty house" will be cited as a reason "for the kids safety" that she should be given full 100% custody. Mark my words. Since there is a big geographical distance, she will be looking for ways to exclude you and take the kids away from you. Oh and you'll get to foot the financial burden for all of this.

 

Get your house cleaned up, pronto. No excuses. Get it looking like the Brady Bunch lives there. No piles of anything, no crap on the porch. If a social worker came and inspected your home this afternoon or any other, she must be able to walk away saying "no visible issues here".

 

Take photos, lots of photos, of you and the clean house and the kids. Always have some evidence that you are being responsible for providing a clean home. Not only that, but you have a heathy and wholesome home and a good relationship with your kids.

 

But man, do what your lawyer says, period. He's seen it all before and I garantee you, he knows what he is talking about.

 

Whatever happens, do NOT let yourself lose your temper with her or OM. If you feel yourself getting angry, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." and walk away.

 

Hang in there. I can't imagine going through all of this stuff with kids.

Edited July 25, 2011 by just_some_guy

[debtman]

just_some_guy, I appreciate the advice. I have gotten the house all cleaned up and organized, so I shouldn't hear about that anymore. Took all weekend, but I got it done and it does look nice and it makes things more "structured."

 

She goes back and forth on the whole moving idea. I think she knows it would be bad for the kids and, as much as she wants to disregard it, she knows it's a completely selfish decision on her part. And, she's already feeling some regret for the last selfish decision she made.

 

But, yes, I DO need to get the separation signed and finalized. Just gotta get the $ together for that.

 

andy, stwu, surfer, the answer is a resounding NO WAY!

 

Part of me wishes I could do it, for the kids, but I will NOT let myself get back into a situation with a cheater. I will NOT be as careless with my emotions as she was. I will NOT give her another opportunity to treat me like she did, or to have the kids go through this again.

 

They've adjusted, I've adjusted and we're all moving on. If things don't work out with OM, hopefully she'll take some time to really get to know herself before she gets into another relationship, but that's not her pattern, which is too bad.

 

s2wu, you're right, I have discovered that I'm MUCH happier without her and that my relationship with the kids is stronger than it's ever been, even though I'm not there all the time. It took some time, but, once I started taking advantage of my time being mine again and started getting out and meeting people, making new friends and seeing that there are lots of relationship opportunities out there (once I'm ready for that), I realized that things are constantly improving and, the temporary road bumps are exactly that, temporary.

[Tech_E]

debtman, take this time you now have and write a book. I'd buy it....

 

You still amaze me.

 

I wish I could finally get the chance to buy you that pint.

[debtman]

Tech_E,

 

lol...thanks, you never know...a book just might be in the works.

 

I'm sure we'll have lots of chances on that pint.

 

thanks!

[Everest_21]

Man I've been reading your threads and your postings and I must say you have been "WONDERFUL".The way you've bounced back and taken control of your life is amazing.Wish I had been like you 3 years back.

Good Luck Man.You're an inspiration and glowing example of how to bounce back in life no matter what.

[debtman]

Everest_21, I appreciate that. At this point, it's all about moving FORWARD.

 

I just got back from 5 incredible days with my kids at the ocean and it was made even better because I never had to hear anyone tell me that I was too far out with them, I wasn't close enough to them, I wasn't paying enough attention, etc. I knew I was always where I needed to be for them. We all had an amazing time and it was an unforgettable bonding time with them.

 

We spent 16 hours in the car there and back and they were fabulous. They didn't care that we only stopped to use the bathroom and ate in the car. I couldn't afford to stop and get food for them at the rest stops and had brought all sorts of homemade banana muffins, "power" bars and hard boiled eggs, along with juices to keep us going along the way.

 

My parents had rented a cottage for 2 weeks and they're rotating all the grandkids in for 4 days or so and it was a fabulous vacation. The only one I can afford this year, so I made sure that I milked every moment I could and enjoyed every second with them. If I had come on this trip with my stbx, there would have been lots of complaints, yelling at the kids in the car, drama and I would have spent time going kitesurfing and kayaking, instead of spending time with the family.

 

Of course, I still heard from her every day when she would call to talk to the kids, even though she spent more time talking to me each time, asking what we were doing, how they were, making small talk, etc. She also asked if we could get together sometime when I got back and have a talk..."nothing bad" she said, just wanting to catch up.

 

At least she has stopped talking about moving closer to her family, out of state, and is now looking at houses again (houses WAY bigger and more expensive than she needs, but she's still in her own fantasy world).

 

I told her I was going to have to come off of my debt management plan so that I could take care of some bills this month that I just couldn't afford otherwise, but, I was prepared to take on the remainder of my debt (only $10k left from $40k 3 years ago). I was hoping I would be able to stick it out for the 10 months I had left, but I just can't swing it with child support, but, I'm better off than I was and I've learned LOTS about money management and, once I get caught up with bills again, I can turn my focus back to getting debt free. Anyway, once I told her that, she said "I just wish there was something I could do to help." I wanted to scream through the phone "like not taking me for every dime you can get in child support for our 4 and 6 year old!?!" But, I didn't. It's all good. Life goes on.

 

Thanks...

[Mz. Pixie]

You are doing a great job with your kids. Just wanted to say that. You have kept your focus on them-which many men find hard to do in your situation and I applaud that.

 

I still feel that she is going to try to sweet talk you into moving- because that is what she wants.

 

I also think she is not ever going to let up on child support because she wants you to finance that new big house she's looking at if she purchases it and doesn't move. She lives in a fantasy land.

 

I have not read your background. Did she leave you because you were in debt? Just curious?

 

Good for you on the trip. Sounds fabulous. When I was a single mom I wasn't getting any child support (tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it)because we split custody. I remember being at the grocery store and my daughter saw this Disney Princess nightgown that she wanted really badly. It was ten dollars. In the old days it would have been no big deal but that day that was grocery money. I cried like a baby later because I couldn't buy it for her because I needed groceries. You are going to make it!!!! It is tough but kids just really want your "presence".

[debtman]

Mz. Pixie, thanks. The debt wasn't the reason she left, it had created a big wedge in our relationship and broken down the trust, but it was 2 years before she finally decided it was over and she had "forgiven" me for the debt issues after she saw that I was serious about fixing it (after 8 months of treating me like a piece of sh@@). My initial post goes into a bit more of that:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3106881#post3106881

 

She had mentioned to me a few weeks ago that her mom had made some comment about moving back up here and that's when she started talking about buying a big house and stopped talking about moving, so, hopefully, that will stay consistent. Although, nothing would surprise me at this point. When she first decided to move out of our house, she was planning to buy a house with OM, but that fell apart since he's still fighting his W to get D.

 

You're so right with the kids. I hate having to tell them over and over that I just can't afford to get them things that they want, but, I spend ALL of my time with them focused JUST on them, which is fabulous. I feel that my relationship with them is stronger than it's ever been and I feel that my priorities are easier to keep straight when they're MINE to set.