success of the parents determines their expectations?

[KOH]

ok, here's the deal, my mother's a successful woman, she got everything anybody wants in a career, & retired at an early age as well (mid 40s), so it kinda seemed logical that she'd have higher expectations on her children, my father had a middle income job so he wasn't too hard on me.

 

I graduated from high school with honors, but I was probably the most careless teenager you could think of, I only got by with my natural smarts & strong memory, every year my friends laughed their *** off, thinking me getting A's was a joke or something, & when I graduated she got me a nice car, of course College was nothing like high school, natural smarts & memory don't ever work there, everything was specific & it doesn't matter if you're smart or not, so I started bouncing from college to college for a couple of years, evantually I dropped out & my mother found me a job (I was gonna look for one myself, she just decided she'd find a good job for me).

 

well, I was fired from my job (long story, I think its irrelevant), got drunk, & totaled my car, my mother whom I haven't heard from in a few months got really mad, she said I was a failure & that I'd never amount to anything if I keep being irresponsible (I don't think I'm a failure, I had the highest income of any of my friends, but I think she compares me to herself).

 

in the end, she gave me her car & she said she'd get herself a new car, she told me to find a job myself, she said she'd give me money for my rent for 6 months & that I'd better find a job soon.

 

anyway, my original point is that, do parents have higher expectations if they were more successful? or were my smoke-&-mirrors high school grades the reason? sometimes I find myself wishing my mother was not very successful because she'd be less hard on me.

 

I'm 22, by the way.

[Eve]

You are lucky that I am not your mother. What a brat!

 

I think your Mum could maybe have been inconsistent with discipline issues with you and this is why you cannot take personal responsibility for your own actions. Or you could just be one of those bad kids that follow fashion more than common sense. All in all, if Mum had not been as successful, she would not have been able to rescue you from your own **** most probably.

 

The biggest thing she has done wrong (in my mind) is permitted this idea of you being 'in credit' with her. In essence, giving you stuff first before any change has happened in you. This has ruined you.

 

All thats left for you to do now is develop a drinking or drug habit to top things off.

 

Take responsiblily for yourself and stop letting your Mum down for goodness sake.

 

I am a successful person and my youngest tried some similar **** on me. Some of it I ignored as I think teenagers MUST develop their own identity away from the parent/s and 'pulling away' from ones parent/s seems to be how they do this. What you describe as doing is something far worse and detrimental to your well being. Your poor Mum must be sick to death of you.

 

You need to pull your socks up TODAY and stop this ****. Get into therapy and let the focus be that you learn to delay gratification.

 

You have had a wonderful opportunity given to you. In order to deserve it you need to gain some gratitude, manners and self control before you destroy yourself completely.

 

Please get help and make sure you apologise to your Mother. Stop asking for and taking stuff unless you deserve it too.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[KOH]

You are lucky that I am not your mother. What a brat!

 

I think your Mum could maybe have been inconsistent with discipline issues with you and this is why you cannot take personal responsibility for your own actions. Or you could just be one of those bad kids that follow fashion more than common sense. All in all, if Mum had not been as successful, she would not have been able to rescue you from your own **** most probably.

 

The biggest thing she has done wrong (in my mind) is permitted this idea of you being 'in credit' with her. In essence, giving you stuff first before any change has happened in you. This has ruined you.

 

All thats left for you to do now is develop a drinking or drug habit to top things off.

 

Take responsiblily for yourself and stop letting your Mum down for goodness sake.

 

I am a successful person and my youngest tried some similar **** on me. Some of it I ignored as I think teenagers MUST develop their own identity away from the parent/s and 'pulling away' from ones parent/s seems to be how they do this. What you describe as doing is something far worse and detrimental to your well being. Your poor Mum must be sick to death of you.

 

You need to pull your socks up TODAY and stop this ****. Get into therapy and let the focus be that you learn to delay gratification.

 

You have had a wonderful opportunity given to you. In order to deserve it you need to gain some gratitude, manners and self control before you destroy yourself completely.

 

Please get help and make sure you apologise to your Mother. Stop asking for and taking stuff unless you deserve it too.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

but you got this all wrong, she's the one that insists on helping me, I told her I don't need a car & I don't need money for rent, I'm not into drugs or anything like that, I just had a lot of drinks this one night after losing my job.

 

but this isn't about her helping me, its about high expectations, I know I'm in the wrong here for getting drunk & totaling my car (first time that ever happened, I'm not that irresponsible, it was an accident), but she's been seeing me as a failure because I haven't been as successful as 5% of the world population, & because of that, she reminds me of "my failure" everytime anything happens.

[FinOuch]

Ohhhhh so much to say.

 

1) Just because your income at 22 is higher than your friends doesn't mean anything. Your friends are likely young, naive, and low income. So that makes you a big fish in a little pond. There is merit in getting an education and developing skills that lead to higher paying jobs and careers.

 

2) Stop downplaying the fact that you drove drunk. That was incredibly stupid and irresponsible. This whole "that's never happened before, it's a first time accident" argument is complete BS. That is the definition of irresponsible!

 

3) I can't BELIEVE your mother would even consider giving you a car after a stunt like that. Can we have your mom's phone number? Someone needs to talk some sense into her. As high as you may think your parents expectations of you are, the simple fact is she's enabling you. It sounds like her expectations need to be a little bit higher.

 

4) You don't have to accept your mother's help. If you really think that her expectations are too high and you know better, then stop accepting her hand outs and show her just how great life can be for an irresponsible, 22 year old college drop out.

I'm sure that will work out very well for you.

[Afishwithabike]

 

anyway, my original point is that, do parents have higher expectations if they were more successful? or were my smoke-&-mirrors high school grades the reason? sometimes I find myself wishing my mother was not very successful because she'd be less hard on me.

 

 

I'm sure parents who have high powered careers have high expectations for their children. However, I've also met low income parents who had the same expectations. My husband used to have an immigrant Vietnamese co-worker. They both worked for a large, nationwide company whose name I don't want to say, but if you're American, you'd recognize the company. The co-worker was a very low level worker in the organization, but he had an incredible work ethic. His wife had a low level service job too. They spoke English though not very well. They came here with nothing. They had no relatives here to help them out either. However, they really invested heavily in their kids. They pushed them to succeed in school and both boys did. They did very well academically. Both sons graduated with scholarships to Ivy League universities. The father was so proud of his kids. I think he considered them his biggest accomplishment. So to answer your question, no, I don't think the success of the parents determines expectations. Sometimes parents who have less want so much more for their kids as was the case with my husband's co-worker.

[turnera]

but you got this all wrong, she's the one that insists on helping me, I told her I don't need a car & I don't need money for rent, I'm not into drugs or anything like that, I just had a lot of drinks this one night after losing my job.

 

but this isn't about her helping me, its about high expectations, I know I'm in the wrong here for getting drunk & totaling my car (first time that ever happened, I'm not that irresponsible, it was an accident), but she's been seeing me as a failure because I haven't been as successful as 5% of the world population, & because of that, she reminds me of "my failure" everytime anything happens.

You didn't have to take them from her, did you? But you did. Because it's in your nature to let your successful parent ensure you're taken care of.

 

She had drive. You do not. It's not that she had higher expectations of you, it's that she expected you to actually CARE about succeeding, like she did.

 

Unfortunately, when one is handed everything, they rarely appreciate what they've got. That's what's happened to you, and it disappoints her to see you frankly not caring and seeming to just wish people would get off your back and not expect you to amount to anything. That thinking is a product of how she raised you; she didn't realize that giving you things would turn you that way, but it did.

 

The best revenge, if you want to call it that, would be for you to give her her stuff back, go out in the world and make it on your own and realize how hard you actually have to work to afford a decent place and a car. THEN she'll be proud of you. And so will you.

[Savannah323]

Is there a major or career that interests you? What I would do is put those "natural smarts & strong memory" to work!! At age 22, you are not failure, just need time to find your way. You are looking, right? Time to get it together and strive.

 

Generally, Mothers across the world want their children to be successful and brag about their awesome children and how they positively contribute to society during Sunday brunch with their friends.

[turnera]

Is there a major or career that interests you? What I would do is put those "natural smarts & strong memory" to work!! At age 22, you are not failure, just need time to find your way. You are looking, right? Time to get it together and strive.

 

Generally, Mothers across the world want their children to be successful and brag about their awesome children and how they positively contribute to society during Sunday brunch with their friends.

Good point.

[Eve]

Savannah is right.. you need a plan.

 

First things first.

 

Let the acting out stop and make a plan. You should be doing stuff that you enjoy. You need to work out if University is part of that plan for you or not.

 

You need to work this out firstly methinks.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[turnera]

the root cause of all the problems in every persons life live in the universe is expectation.

I'm sorry, but this isn't translating quite well. Can you elaborate on what you mean? Thanks!

[linwood]

 

but this isn't about her helping me, its about high expectations,

 

Expecting you to act like an adult at 22 and take responsibility for your life is a case of "high expectations"?

 

I`m lost.

[Emilia]

My mother still tries to control me by pushing things like money or a car my way. I have politely explained a million times that I'm an adult and asked her to respect my life choices. She still takes my choice if independence as a rejection but that's her problem. Have your own life, you are an adult

[Dooda]

the root cause of all the problems in every persons life live in the universe is expectation.

 

I think what she means is that expectation is the bane of society and the human race. We expect so much from ourselves, primarily because from childhood our parents and the world around us expects so much from us. Nowadays, we are expected to complete high school. We are then expected to complete a post-secondary education. We are expected then to get a well-paying job and get a house and get a car. We are expected to get married, get kids. We are expected to treat our kids in the same way our parents treated us, with expectations. We are expected to grow old and get grandkids and tell our grandkids about how full of expectations our lives were.

And then, we die and all these expectations fade away because we're dead.

If we live our life living in other peoples' expectations, we live an unfulfilled one.

 

I see a lot of very angry people here, constantly telling teenagers they're brats this and that...

We can blame young people all day, but we have to remember that it is most likely because of the way they were raised that they turned up in a non-conforming manner.

 

The reason why so many teenagers rebel at their highly-expectant parents is because their subconscious, or their soul, or their mind (however you want to look at it) is telling them that something is wrong, that the way they are being treated isn't normal. They rebel, and they either escape the mentality that 'expectations' are normal, or they conform and become the same fear-entrenched soul as 85% of people and develop some form of Stockholm Syndrome, that "My mom treated me like crap because I was an *******/idiot"...

 

It's obvious from the OP's post that the way she was raised was very inconsistent. Being consistently given things while consistently being called a failure for not achieving as much as the parent would want leaves that person confused.

The mother wants her child to work for herself, yet she keeps giving all of this stuff? Sounds like there's a big problem when it comes to consistent parenting.

 

Emotional support far exceeds any type/sort of financial support IMO.

Parents succeed and they expect their children to achieve the same sort of success.

[namedposter13]

A little surprised at all the judgment....

 

Driving drunk...not ok, for sure. But this is YOUR life. It's yours to live to the fullest and make the best of, or it's yours to screw up. Everyone has the right to live their life their own way without judgment...as long as they are willing to accept any consequences of their lifestyle. You'll get no lectures or judgment from me except to say that you can't complain about anything that you brought on yourself. But it doesn't sound like you are complaining, so good for you.

 

To answer your real question (which most people seem to be ignoring), I totally agree that the success of the parents influences what they expect from their kids. HOWEVER, it is sometimes an INVERSE relationship. What I mean is that sometimes when parents don't do well in life, they push their kids to do better than they did. Also, some parents who had to work really hard to get where they are want their children to have an easier life than they did.

 

That being said, if your mom is pushing you into a life you don't want, then you need to talk to her. She needs to know that it's not ok to control you or mold you into something your not. However, I will also say this...if you'd wrecked a car from driving drunk, I sure as heck would not have given you another one. If you didn't want the car, you shouldn't have accepted it.

 

Moral of the story: do what you want, accept the consequences. If you want to be a bum or a high-powered exec, that's totally up to you and don't let anyone tell you different!

[turnera]

namedposter, you're forgetting one thing: his mom PAYS FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE.

 

He is NOT acting like an adult, he's acting like a spoiled kid whose mommy takes care of him.

 

If he wants to get out of his mommy's shadow...stop accepting her money.

[namedposter13]

turnera: totally with you, but that's her stupidity. I would never support my kid financially after pulling that. I totally agree that if he doesn't want the money and if he wants to be more independent (as he says), he should refuse it.

BUT I am TOTALLY against familial support with strings attached. My parents never would have dreamed of saying "here's some money, but you'll only get this if you go to school and live the life we want." If she wants to continue to give him money after he's demonstrated that he is not going to live life the way she expects, then that's her choice. My husband's family stopped giving supporting him financially (second year of college) when they found out we were living together "out of wedlock." *gasp* And he's hated them for it ever since. They would only support him if he was a "good christian boy" and waited until marriage.

 

You can't dictate the way your children live their lives. You have to either accept them for who they are and support that or not.

 

Although I wouldn't give my kid a car after a DUI, these transgressions (if you can even call them that) would not be enough for me to not be there for my child when he needed me. If he didn't want to go to college, but asked me to cover rent for a couple months while he looked for a job, I would totally do it.

[cheergirl]

namedposter, you're forgetting one thing: his mom PAYS FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE.

 

He is NOT acting like an adult, he's acting like a spoiled kid whose mommy takes care of him.

 

If he wants to get out of his mommy's shadow...stop accepting her money.

 

:lmao::lmao:Yeah, that'll happen!:lmao:

Show your mum this post...

you are acting just how you've been trained to. Think about and decide who/how you want to be...

Your mum will probably consider you a failure until you conform to her expectations desires for your life... (Sounds like a pretty sweet deal btw.

Most people i know would kill to walk into a cushy job mum got for them + cool car!)

 

turnera: totally with you, but that's her stupidity. TRUE

I would never support my kid financially after pulling that. I totally agree that if he doesn't want the money and if he wants to be more independent (as he says), he should refuse it.

.

that'll happen!:lmao::lmao:

Mum, cut me off, I will no longer accept a penny from you and take away my (your) cool car! Immediately!:lmao:

[turnera]

There's a story I love to tell, that I read a few years back. True story. One that I took to heart and incorporated into raising my DD20. (and it worked beautifully!)

 

A man had 3 teenage boys; I think they were like, 13, 14, and 15. He calculated what he spent on them every year. On January 1, he sat them down and showed them the spreadsheets. It contained everything - soda, school supplies, clothes, movie tickets, gum, team sports paraphernalia, college savings...everything.

 

He then handed them each an envelope. In each envelope was cash to cover ALL those expenses. He told them they were on their own from now on, in terms of learning how to budget their money. Here is what he spent on them last year, and they would not get a penny more. He would NOT bail them out.

 

One kid blew through his money in a couple months. He spent the rest of the year begging people for stuff, missing out on important stuff cos he couldn't afford to go, having to drop out of sports, etc. One kid did a decent job, made it about 2/3 through the year before he ran out, having misfigured how much everything would cost. The other kid actually ended up with money left over, having followed his dad's budget and found ways to not spend some of it.

 

The next year was easier for all 3, and the next, and the next. In the end, all three ended up finishing college, getting great jobs, and all 3 even ended up buying their own houses in their 20s, on their own - all because they learned early on how to respect the NOT-unending supply of money. And thank goodness their dad had the brains and the 'strength' to teach them this while still in high school.

[Eve]

Good story Turnera.

 

Harsh .. but a good lesson none the less.

 

We tend to just make ours work when they reach 16. Even though we are better off nowadays and the youngest doesn't really need to work she is out looking for jobs all the time. She can't wait to earn her own money and is busy planning how much she will need for her first holiday next year. The market is poor at the moment for employing 16 year olds though so she is going through a bit of frustration currently.

 

We also start teaching them to manage a bank account at age 16, which is funny to watch. You can see how grown up they feel once they get their own little cash point cards.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[stillafool]

anyway, my original point is that, do parents have higher expectations if they were more successful? or were my smoke-&-mirrors high school grades the reason? sometimes I find myself wishing my mother was not very successful because she'd be less hard on me.

 

I'm 22, by the way.

 

No, it depends on the parents. My mom was a SAHM and she was very strict when it came to homework, grades, responsibilities, etc. She just didn't let up on anything. She wanted to see and critique our school work as soon as we got home. I think any responsibile parent wants the best for their children and will push and push their child to get it.

[turnera]

I did that, too, Eve. When DD20 turned 16, I told her whatever she wanted outside of basic clothing necessities and food and medical care was on her. It's amazing how fast you decide you don't really need that new CD when it has to come out of your own pocket, lol.

 

Nowadays, she's extremely careful with her money.

[Eve]

I did that, too, Eve. When DD20 turned 16, I told her whatever she wanted outside of basic clothing necessities and food and medical care was on her. It's amazing how fast you decide you don't really need that new CD when it has to come out of your own pocket, lol.

 

Nowadays, she's extremely careful with her money.

 

Lol, I don't think there is any other way to learn! Still, I think our kids do better than what we did, back in the day. My children think I am exaggerating when I tell them about my upbringing.

 

We tend not to be too rigid as we don't want our young people to be afraid of money and so we will sometimes do a bail out if they can put forward a reasonable explanation to why they have no money.

 

Mostly we plead poverty, even though this is not true and they understand that this means tough luck, wait till next month.

 

As for stories that have stuck with me. The tale of the child who had a better mobile phone than me at five years old always cracks me up. Yes, she was an insufferable brat! Who does that anyway? Children should be playing in the park at five years old and enjoying being muddy for goodness sake. I can only reason that the poor child in question was really just another commodity that belonged to the parent; the implicit aim being the focus gained from other parents who see the child with the mobile phone...

 

I also have a problem with parents who allow their kids to call them by their first name. I have seen this more than a couple of times and nothing good ever comes of it (from my position of observer)

 

I think it is abusive to not have boundaries that are child focused and consistent.

 

.. but maybe it's just how things are nowadays?

 

I do think it strange sometimes that we have to even state things about good parenting. These things should just be present really as the needs of children arise, shouldn't they? I don't quite understand the confusion sometimes. I have concluded that maybe we are seeing lots of people reaching into being middle to upper middle class and forgetting their roots, which often are very humble ones. In doing this they maybe project their wants as children onto their growing children.. and get somewhat stuck?

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited July 18, 2011 by Eve