Will my parents ever admit they abused me?

[PJM3]

Although I'm now 24 years (I'm a guy) and haven't been living with my parents since finishing high school, I would like them to at least acknowledge their so called ''discipline'' was rather abuse.

 

Even though it was only done on my behind (bottom), I still call it abuse because it left some bruises there. The last time my father overdid it to the point it was sore all over that area for like a week or so. I still could sit down but I hated him (and still do) for that.

 

However, when I explained them this to them esp. my father or showed them pamphets, they either tell how ''Oh you'll know what's it like being a father when you become one yourself'' or ''A couple of sore behinds doesn't harm anyone, you know nothing''.

[PJM3]

Present-day: If my father were to hit me, I would knock the living hell lights out of him and I can.

 

I was already bigger and a lot stronger than him by the time I was 17 years old but never retaliated out of respect (the last reminding respect I had for him, now it's between hate, few remaining love if possible and toal indifference).

 

Last week was his birthday but I didn't even bother. I hate what he and at times my mother did to me.

 

Isn't this now abuse?

 

I know I wasn't no angel either (the last time it was for smoking pot) and got in trouble sometimes, but wasn't what he did way overdoing it?

I hate him for not having any pity when I would cried telling him to stop. Did he even bothered putting himself on my shoes, how I was suffering and how I would be in pain the next day?? No

I HATE HIM... DAD IF YOU READ THIS AND I BECOME A FATHER ONE DAY, MAY YOU NEVER SEE MY SON OR DAUGHTER, YOU DISGUSTING COWARD.

 

As for you mother: you're just as guilty as him, you would do this too sometimes and I'm not going to just forgive & forget unless both you and dad acknowlege it. I deserve an apology from the both of you.

Edited July 11, 2011 by PJM3

[SoInLove]

Physical punishment is common where I live in fact if there are kids that won't behave it is said that the parents aren't hitting them hard enough. However nobody i know has been hit so hard in punishment that it has hurt for more than a few minutes. I am tempted to say it is defiantly physical abuse and the only thing against it is to say they only ever hit your backside maybe they didn't consider their own strength. Even if that were the case it is still unforgivable.

 

My cousin was brutally abused as a child. His father especially was the most evil man i have ever met and his mother while not evil wasn't nice to him. Nowadays his mother acknowledges what she put him through as a child and tries everyday to make up for it. The dad however moved on to another family and refuses to even talk to him. So it really depends on the kind of people your parents are. If they are caring people they will realise by themselves and if not they may never realise at all. I hope this has helped.

[PJM3]

No they'll never admit it was wrong. I guess that's my answer, they don't care one bit about my feelings and how this impacted me. As a result, I kept having failed relationships, sometimes I even still have nightmares about it to the point I wake-up sweating, have distance myself from them and don't EVER EVER want to hit a child, much less my own kid the day I become a father. When that happens there will be no hitting in the house and I won't let anyone, not even the child's mother hit him/her. You can always talk instead of being physical. I hate cowards who hit indefenless people, esp a child.

 

I will not become them. I'll now be cutting contact with them for good. I don't care about the money nor the live policies (when they die). I want nothing from them, NOTHING.

[Confused4Now]

Although I'm now 24 years (I'm a guy) and haven't been living with my parents since finishing high school, I would like them to at least acknowledge their so called ''discipline'' was rather abuse.

 

Even though it was only done on my behind (bottom), I still call it abuse because it left some bruises there. The last time my father overdid it to the point it was sore all over that area for like a week or so. I still could sit down but I hated him (and still do) for that.

 

However, when I explained them this to them esp. my father or showed them pamphets, they either tell how ''Oh you'll know what's it like being a father when you become one yourself'' or ''A couple of sore behinds doesn't harm anyone, you know nothing''.

May I ask how old you were the last time you were disciplined by your dad? and can you give me an example of what you did that you might have deserved it? The reason I asked was my Dad had a heavy hand but as I got old it got less and less...cause I learned the lessons of doing the right things or making the right choices as a teenager.

 

Not saying it was right but I can honestly look back and say my Dad was consistent and I pretty much did deserve it. I also knew it was coming too... on another note. I believe emotional/verbal abuse if far worse than physical abuse. I'll say this... my parents were not emotional/verbal abusive but my ex wife was....

[PJM3]

Confused4now are you trying to justified unforgivable behavior commited by parents, who are suppose to care for you, not hit you till the point of leaving bruises or welt marks.

 

As for how old I was the last time, it's on the beginning of my post. I was 17 years then and it was for smoking pot (he overdid it with a strap). I don't care how rude and naught one can be, no one deserves bruises.

 

I don't love him as a result. I hate him. He ruined part of my life.

 

I could bearly sit straight for a week or so (I had very sore bottom that day). Are you saying this was deserved? That's the reason I moved out as soon as I finished high school.

 

To me I see this as abuse. I learn nothing but to hide secrets and lie to my parents, not to fear my father anymore as I could now easily beat him if he were to try that present-day.

[Trishi]

@Confused: You have a problem. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can attest from personal experience, that feeling you deserved punishment of that sort, is wrong. I have had almost a full year of counseling due to it, and haven't seen my parents in a long time.

 

From what I know of psycology, parents wont admit flaws in your upbringing. It's simply because they are supposed to stand as your "idols", and want to preserve their strenght in front of you. By admitting to have made a mistake, their position as the strong one crumbles. At least, that's the theory.

 

I, for one, don't believe my parents will admit any mistake they made. They ignored my last birthday, despite me still sending cards. The hate they exhibit against me is staggering, and I haven't even told my highly homophobic parents about my girlfriend yet. I'm tempted to try, but that's throwing C4 on the bonfire.

 

Sorta wish I could take up the same stance you guys can. My hope of "kicking my fathers ass" is about the same as winning the big price in the lottery. But to be quite honest? I don't think it would solve anything. To be quite honest, I think it will actually only make everything worse, so a nice suggestion, if you ever want this resolved, is acting nice towards them. If you act like them, and try forcing them to admit their flaws, it will only end up widening the gap between you. I can't say this have worked well for me so far, but for me, if this can culminate in them uttering a simple "I'm sorry" by their death-bed, it have all been worth it.

 

The only thing you will get from hating them is heartache. If you truly don't care about them, and want to kick their asses, I suggest you instead drop it, and forget about them. Don't waste your life, and well-being, over your past. It wont do you any good.

[Confused4Now]

Confused4now are you trying to justified unforgivable behavior commited by parents, who are suppose to care for you, not hit you till the point of leaving bruises or welt marks.

 

As for how old I was the last time, it's on the beginning of my post. I was 17 years then and it was for smoking pot (he overdid it with a strap). I don't care how rude and naught one can be, no one deserves bruises.

 

I don't love him as a result. I hate him. He ruined part of my life.

 

I could bearly sit straight for a week or so (I had very sore bottom that day). Are you saying this was deserved? That's the reason I moved out as soon as I finished high school.

 

To me I see this as abuse. I learn nothing but to hide secrets and lie to my parents, not to fear my father anymore as I could now easily beat him if he were to try that present-day.

I didn't say I was beaten and left with bruises but it was enough to hurt my pride and like any kid I wished my dad dead too....and i'm not making excuses for it but I did come from a time when strong discipline was enforced. I can assure you I didn't raise my kids that why either....however my kids don't have the discipline that I had going through school and work. Maybe that discussion should be for another thread.

 

I also feared my dad but I didn't not lie to him....he was also loving as well as strong.

[Confused4Now]

@Confused: You have a problem. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can attest from personal experience, that feeling you deserved punishment of that sort, is wrong. I have had almost a full year of counseling due to it, and haven't seen my parents in a long time.

 

From what I know of psycology, parents wont admit flaws in your upbringing. It's simply because they are supposed to stand as your "idols", and want to preserve their strenght in front of you. By admitting to have made a mistake, their position as the strong one crumbles. At least, that's the theory.

 

I, for one, don't believe my parents will admit any mistake they made. They ignored my last birthday, despite me still sending cards. The hate they exhibit against me is staggering, and I haven't even told my highly homophobic parents about my girlfriend yet. I'm tempted to try, but that's throwing C4 on the bonfire.

 

Sorta wish I could take up the same stance you guys can. My hope of "kicking my fathers ass" is about the same as winning the big price in the lottery. But to be quite honest? I don't think it would solve anything. To be quite honest, I think it will actually only make everything worse, so a nice suggestion, if you ever want this resolved, is acting nice towards them. If you act like them, and try forcing them to admit their flaws, it will only end up widening the gap between you. I can't say this have worked well for me so far, but for me, if this can culminate in them uttering a simple "I'm sorry" by their death-bed, it have all been worth it.

 

The only thing you will get from hating them is heartache. If you truly don't care about them, and want to kick their asses, I suggest you instead drop it, and forget about them. Don't waste your life, and well-being, over your past. It wont do you any good.

Well we can agree to disagree but from what I see today...most kids don't know RESPECT. That was my Dad's biggest thing was teaching us respect. To many young kids know they have so much power and you look at them crossed eyed and they call family services....Trust me it's only going to get worse before it gets better cause we've given our kids to much power.

 

Yes there are f_cked up people in this world. I just think no one these days are taught respect like back in the day.

[PJM3]

I just think no one these days are taught respect like back in the day.

Maybe not every single child has the same temperament. Yes there are some people that might not considered this abuse but to me it was and I will never forgive him (he had he chance to admit his wrongdoing and apologize but will never do it, so he's out of my life now).

To others like me, it only takes one beating to totally affect me for a lifetime. Not everyone reacts the same. I'm a very sensible guy by nature who sometimes tends to hold grudges. That is just the way I am.

 

Assuming so this called ''discipline'' will work on every child is wrong.

[PJM3]

I have had almost a full year of counseling due to it, and haven't seen my parents in a long time.

I'll soon be going to counseling sessions too.

The only thing you will get from hating them is heartache. If you truly don't care about them, and want to kick their asses, I suggest you instead drop it, and forget about them. Don't waste your life, and well-being, over your past. It wont do you any good.

You're right I gave up already as they're now officially out of my life. Today I hanged up the phone on my father, told him never to call me again that he can forget I'm his son (he was like You can't be serious, is this some type of joke but I said I was serious and hanged up) and I'll soon change my # too. I was thinking that there was still hope they would apologize, getting the closure I've long waited for (that's all I wanted, I wasn't asking for much). I would have forgive and forget but it's never happening.

[Sassygirl2]

I'd like to chime in as I have been through this as well with my parents. I know the anger and hatred you are feeling. I was abused physically and emotionally up until I was 18. I did the same thing, moved out the last time my dad slapped me to talking back to him when I was 18 years old! I hated him for that and my mom too. I didn't talk to them for years. I held on to this hate and anger for many, many years. I went to counseling for 10 years because of all the abuse and started to get better. I am now 45 years old and have been able to form reasonable relationships with my mom. She feels bad for what she put me through but claims "she did the best she could with what she knew." Her childhood was even worse. She told me of her father beating her so bad she couldn't get out of bed to go to school as a young girl. She hated her father as well.

 

My father died in a car accident several years ago but he and I were able to talk and he apologized to me for hurting me. He ALSO told me of his childhood (because I asked) and he also had some horror stories to tell.

 

So I believe that this abuse is a cycle that our parents repeated because they didn't know enough to make changes. Thankfully, the cycle stopped with me. My two children have never been hit because I made that promise to myself to never hurt them like that. I have to admit that I do get pushed to my limits with them and I can see how easy it must be for some parents to spank or hit their children out of frustration and anger. But I am, by no means, saying it's OK, because it's not.

 

I wish you peace and healing for your hurt and pain. Going to therapy and doing some real work on yourself to heal this hurt will help you. You didn't deserve to be hit like that and hurt like that by the two people who were supposed to take care of you! It will get better and you will be able to move on but you need to do some work to get there. If you need to talk, post here and we will be here to help you.

[Airborne]

Spanking's only abusive if applied when the kid really didn't do anything wrong.

 

You sound like a person who's trying to blame your parents for your own personal failures.

Today I hanged up the phone on my father, told him never to call me again that he can forget I'm his son (he was like You can't be serious, is this some type of joke but I said I was serious and hanged up) and I'll soon change my # too. I was thinking that there was still hope they would apologize, getting the closure I've long waited for (that's all I wanted, I wasn't asking for much). I would have forgive and forget but it's never happening.

I'm sure part of him was relieved he doesn't have to put up with your nonsense anymore.

[PJM3]

Spanking's only abusive if applied when the kid really didn't do anything wrong.

 

You sound like a person who's trying to blame your parents for your own personal failures.

 

I'm sure part of him was relieved he doesn't have to put up with your nonsense anymore.

Do you realized not every child reacts the blame? Did you really assumed this would actually make me a successful person? No.. I feel like a loser.

Maybe for you this worked out while I'm taking counseling sessions as a result of it.

And my opinion stands the same... I hate him (come to think about it, I would be totally indifferent if something were to happen to him). All I learnt was to resent him deeply for it.

 

Spanking with an object and leaving bruises is/was abusive to me. I'm never gonna repeat that same pattern when I have kids. And he'll never see his grandkids, I'm not gonna let him.

Edited July 20, 2011 by PJM3

[Confused4Now]

Spanking's only abusive if applied when the kid really didn't do anything wrong.

You sound like a person who's trying to blame your parents for your own personal failures.

 

I'm sure part of him was relieved he doesn't have to put up with your nonsense anymore.

And that was the point I was trying to bring up. I can never recall my Dad hitting me for just nothing and I do get when the punishment is to much for the crime but as I got older my Dad disciplined me less cause I started making the right choices...

[oldguy]

I wont get into right or wrong of it, although bruising IS, by definition pretty serious. but you are still extremely upset so it obviously was quite traumatic & you sound like you are carrying some pretty deep emotional resentments.

 

We could discuss this until the cows come home but right now you need to get help to resolve the emotional scars.

 

When people are traumatized, especially as young children we may cognitively come to terms with what happen but when we remember the trauma we still feel the same way we did as a when it happened so it evokes the same terrifying emotions. That isn't an attempt to minimize what happen or how you felt but it is an area that you can get help to deal with. It's not so different from PTSD, counselling can not resolve the reality of the trauma but it can help you detach from the emotional trauma many times by helping you to experience it objectively, in present time. Many PTSD victims still realize the horror of an experience but don't relive the emotional trauma the same way after successful therapy.

 

Bottom line, get help, forgive your parents more for you than them & raise your kids differently. Good luck & best wishes.