Family..Struggle...Self-Acceptance

[DayumQuitPlayin]

Hey, I'm new to this place

 

Well I jus want'd ta jus speak a lil bout my xperiences... I'm livin one of tha kraziest lives. My lyfe iz jus so krazy. Well lemme begin wit my mom. My mom is from Brazil.. and she lived a krazy lyfe growin up. Because of her lyfe growin up.. it has pass'd down to me n my brother, but it has affect'd me most. My mom wuz really abusive.. i Mean......REALLY abusive. She usedta beat us til we bleed all ova. She would also abuse us emotionally. I feel my mind is my most precious asset.

 

We usedta live in constant fear of her.. and because of dis.. instead of me n my brother becomin close.. we became distant..rivals. Still to this day..we dont really like eachotha.. tho sumtymez we talk ..it alwayz turns ta arguments. Not only dis but.. i'm also different. I'm bi-sexual..but i lean more toward tha guyz. This iz sumthn I had neva wish'd ta b.. if i could.. i would b 100 percent straight fa real. This has alot to do wit my relationship with my mom.

 

She's really old-fashioned. She has strong beliefs and is never willing to be open-minded or acceptive to new beliefs and ideas. I think God she aint no Judge.. or person of authority...cuz den dayum.... I dont even wanna think bout it LoL Newayz... wen i first entered 9th Grade in HighSchool ..it wuz my turning point. I finally stood up against her. I told her she wuznt gonna hit me no more, she not gonna b doin dis n that..etc. That's when things got real bad.. and later on my brother followed my footsteps in a way.. and he broke away free too.

 

I seriously feel my mom is sumwut psychotic..atleast she presents herself that way b4.. one time wen i wuz in middle skool... i came home from skool.. n as soon as i walk'd in.. i can feel in tha air that sumthn bad wuz gonna happen.. I seriously had this gut feeling. I walk'd into my mom room... n she had bin crying n cryin.. drinkn (she's not at all a drinker) and listenin ta sum Elton John type music. She had to put her dog to sleep because she's really old.. n she loved that dog to death.. its bin wit her since i wuz born in Panama. And havin bin seperated from my dad.. that hadn't help'd her either.

 

Well i walk'd away from her room feeln really weird and strange. I walkd into my kitchen n look'd at tha picture of Jesus and i start'd ta pray.. and while praying i start'd ta cry cuz i knew sumthn bad wuz gonna happen. As soon as I got dun.. my little brother just got off his school bus.. and he walk'd in lookn for mom. I had already went into my mom room.. and as soon as I walk'd in.. she wuz holdn a gun in her hand.. n pointing it to her head n pullin on tha trigger. Thank God she didnt kno how to use it. She would pull tha hammer bacc and pull tha trigger.. which only cliccs n doesnt shoot. After doin it 10 times.. while crying.. she actually slide tha top part of it bacc.. which exposes tha chamber den it went bacc to normal. I knew it wuz bout to happen.. i grabb'd my lil bro cuz he had jus walk'd into tha room.. i grabb'd him n held him bacc while cryin to my mom telln her not to do it.. Then as she lifted tha gun up movin it towards her head... it wuz like slow motion.. i didnt hear nothing...jus my eyez starin at her.. but before tha gun had pointed to her head.. it wuz at her stomach.. and i guess cuz of tha stress she wuz under.. she pull'd tha trigger ( thank God ) and it shot into her stomach.. and with that.. she slowly fell onto her bed.. and appeared to be asleep.

 

I quiccly ran to her.. ta look at tha bullet wound.. n it was jus a blacc hole in her stomach.. she wuz still breathin.. and i ran to tha phone n call'd 911.. my other bro came inside... didnt kno wut happened.. n jus walk'd in den he yelled.. i told him to run outside and get help.. i told my lil bro ta run to tha neighbor n stay wit dem while i wuz on tha phone. Basically help came.. my mom closest friends came n we stay'd wit dem. My dad finally came and we went bacc home.. etc.. etc.. etc.. years go by.. n still after tha incident.. lyfe has bin tha same for me.. only now its got horrible.

 

Newayz.. my lyfe has jus gotten krazier.. my mom calln me names.. calln me a fag-got.. queer..etc.. my bro calln me tha same names.. even tha littlest.. n she allows this ta happen.. we have no relationship.. none of us do.. tha only family is my Mom... Dad.. n tha youngest brother.. das their own personal family.. me n my otha bro are like outcast.. but im tha 'blacc sheep'.

 

I've landed in jail.. cuz of my bro.. spent like 4 months.. i have a criminal record now.. n on probation.. lyfe jus doesnt seem ta b goin well fa me.. drop'd outta skool cuz i had too.. n now i basically have no lyfe.. i have ta work ta pay restitution.. but work is hard ta come by figurin my record.. and tha constant fightn goin on at home.. jus sumtymes gets unbearable.. sumtymes i really dont kno wut to do. I have friends.. n i thank God for dem.. but i find myself pushn dem away from me wen i go into depression.

 

Basically m writn dis ta see if nebody out thea has had any similar xperiences.. in any aspects.. or if dey can jus offer sum sorta support. Basically i jus wanna hear pplz thoughts bout wut i said. Also.. I ' m sorry for this being soooooooo Looooong ..really am

[DiorAddict]

Hi =) Wow. First and foremost, I'd like to acknowledge you for your strength. You've shown strength at times when most people would just loose it (or pass out like me!). It seems like you already have yourself together. You are a fighter, and most importantly, have faith in God. Sometimes, you have to just surrender and ask God to take care of you and your current life situations that seem too much to handle. But remember, he will never give us more that we can bear.

 

I know you love your mother...We all love our mothers. And it is fortuante for some and unfortunate for others that our parents, especially our mothers mold us into the people we become in life. The way we are treated as children molds the way we perceive the world and other people as adults.

 

Hang in there and remember to look pa'lante y nunca pa'tra....

[DayumQuitPlayin]

Thanx, sumtymes i feel im strong.. specially wen i b talkn wit sum of my friends.. but den i get dem tymes wen i jus dunno wut ta do nemore. Its jus really krazy fa real.. madd stress. But thanx.. i jus felt like writn all dat down.. n see wut ppl thought bout it