Why am I attracted to women with low self esteem or are emotionally damaged?

[Jagger341]

Recently, I met a woman way older than me (she's 28, and I just turned 20 yesterday. Dunno if that matters), and after finally talking to her, I learned that she has recently had a traumatic experience at an ER because she had unknowingly drank biological hazard from a bottle of (can't remember the drink), and the doctors and nurses working there just laughed at her and were being very unprofessional. I almost broke into tears while listening to her talk about it. She also said that she didn't consider herself physically attractive, though I disagree with this. In the past, I've also been attracted to a friend in high school who also had low self esteem and past trauma. We got together a few months later, but we never spent any time together outside of school, so I don't consider it a real relationship. I don't know why I'm attracted to women with these attributes, so please help answer this.

[oldguy]

The answer is within you, you just need to be honest with yourself. You will get all sorts of vague generalized advise here, I could start; maybe your attracted to vulnerable women. If that's they case maybe you have insecurity issues which brings us back to square one; you. Do you see my point? I'll be back:)

[Ross MwcFan]

Recently, I met a woman way older than me (she's 28, and I just turned 20 yesterday. Dunno if that matters), and after finally talking to her, I learned that she has recently had a traumatic experience at an ER because she had unknowingly drank biological hazard from a bottle of (can't remember the drink), and the doctors and nurses working there just laughed at her and were being very unprofessional. I almost broke into tears while listening to her talk about it. She also said that she didn't consider herself physically attractive, though I disagree with this. In the past, I've also been attracted to a friend in high school who also had low self esteem and past trauma. We got together a few months later, but we never spent any time together outside of school, so I don't consider it a real relationship. I don't know why I'm attracted to women with these attributes, so please help answer this.

 

That is terrible.

 

I kind of feel the same OP. I think it's because it feels as though we'd be more of an equal match, and I'd feel more like I can look after her.

 

It seems as though a woman with high self esteem, wouldn't need or want me as much as I do her? Dunno.

 

Maybe this is the case with you?

[carhill]

Within the parameters of the OP, don't believe everything women say.

 

As a man, you are socialized to protect and serve the 'weaker' sex. LOL. Rewire yourself for a healthier life.

 

It's interesting how the young lady is still alive, isn't it? Somehow, she managed. That's good information. Good luck.

[FinOuch]

I could be way off base here...but it likely has to do with the fact that it humanizes them more so than other women who do not wear their emotions and insecurities on their sleeves.

 

Looking back at my relationships, I realize now that I gravitated towards guys who didn't really have their act together and tended to be insecure about themselves on some level. I now understand that this is also how I felt about myself and my life (for absolutely no good reason) and so I felt "good enough" for them.

Needless to say, relationships that are built on the foundation of insecurities can't last.

[Badenov]

I have to agree those with insecurity issues (like myself) are attracted to that type. You feel safe & needed & don't worry about the rejection.

 

As far as her "trauma," it may be BS. Insecure women are drama queens.

[frenchtelephones]

I'd like to rephrase the question: are there women who don't have self-esteem issues and/or are not emotionally damaged? I for one am speaking as a representative of both the low self-esteem and emotionally damaged categories My point though is that everyone has things they're insecure about. The degree and intensity of all this might lessen with age but since you're only twenty most of the women you'll meet will be searching for who they are and doubting their talents and accomplishments and looking for emotional support from a potential boyfriend.

 

Of course there is a scale. Everyone is insecure (we're only talking about young women here but everyone has issues), but then again of course it shouldn't be denied that some girls are much frailer and needier than others. Asking yourself why you're drawn to insecure women (if the women you've met are more insecure than average, that is) is good, but the more essential question might be if you really mind these "drawbacks." I'd guess you're attracted to insecure women because they need you, and it's nice to be needed. Insecure women might also be less intimidating than outwardly confident ones and thus easier for you to approach. But as I said I think what you need to ask yourself is if their insecurities present a real problem to you. Are they so needy that they end up draining you? Are they so emotionally damaged that they can't manage a healthy relationship? Or are they, despite their baggage, able to give you what you desire from a relationship? It has to be judged on a case-by-case basis I think

[oldguy]

interesting observations but is your subject; insecure women or men who are attracted to them?

[KathyM]

Some men like to be rescuers and white knights. They are attracted to distressed women because they can enact that role with them. They have a need to be a hero, and get their self esteem from being in that role.

[carhill]

Very true. In my generation, little boys were socialized to be 'firefighters', 'policemen' and 'doctors', all noble professions of saving others. This socialization pattern was reinforced at the skirt of mother, where the boy was taught to respect mother and obey her and to 'take care' of a woman as part of his life duty as a man. For those who took that socialization to heart, rather than rebelling against is as part of normal 'growing up', they faced a somewhat more tenuous future in the area of interpersonal relationships. In my case in particular, being an only child in a house free of drama and abuse, I was ill-prepared for the 'real world'. I remember getting my first introduction to it at 15 when I witnessed a friend's father hitting his mother and him hitting his father to defend her. I knew nothing of such domestic violence. That's the real world. My emotional response to that event and similar ones would shape my 'rescue' style for such unhealthy pursuits later in my life. Therapy helped suss them out and break the cycle. TBH, if being unhealthy was the path, I'm sure glad it fell on the side of 'rescuing' rather than 'abusing'. I can't imagine how such people live with themselves.

[EricaH329]

In my experience, i've found that we are most drawn towards those that we can relate to. Whether it's past experiences, or current situations. If you are drawn towards insecure women, it could possibly mean that you, yourself, are insecure. Or that you dealt with being insecure, or possibly that you grew up around women who were insecure.

 

You are usually attracted to what makes you feel most comfortable, and there is always a reason for it. If you really want to know why, i'd suggest doing some self-reflection. You can learn a lot about yourself, and figure out what needs to be changed, that way.

[Badenov]

Some men like to be rescuers and white knights. They are attracted to distressed women because they can enact that role with them. They have a need to be a hero, and get their self esteem from being in that role.

 

This is too true. And there are plenty of women who will take advantage of your kindness.

[Woggle]

Because some men have knight in shining armor complex. If men want any hope of having a happy relationship that lasts they should go for women who already have their heads screwed on straight but these men need to get themselves together as well. It goes without saying that healthy people tend to have healthy relationships so stop trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.