wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 im 19 and he's turning 23. ive gone through 5 months of hell between my family to be with him. poor thing tries his hardest to get their approval but they want nothing todo with him, nor do they want me to be involved with him. they think he's crazy, after my "free booty" , and is playing a game with them by taking me away from them and turning me against the family... the first time i got caught sneaking out, due tonthe fact i have no freedom in an asian house, my family was in raged. they told me to stoptalking to him and warned me about him. i loved him so i continued on being with him. my family was happy knowing they thought i listened, and i was happy maintaining this relationship with him without the family going crazy.. snuck out again and got caught, this time is no joke. they said j dissrepected them because i didnt listen to them when they had told me to stay away. they know nothing about my boyfriens because they never gave him a chance. i described him to them and tey laughed at me and called me names... hurtful names... and said hurtful things... "i have a couple of guy friends who can use you as a hooker." :'/ my bf makes me happy and my family makes me feel at the lowest. :/ he's still there for me. i told my family i would no longer talk to him. but i am still maintaining a relationship with him secretly. im waiting to be finacially set to move out of my parents and disregard their wishes of me staying away from him. it might be a tad bit easier to keep it a secret because its going to turn into a ldr soon, iowa and cali. is it wrong to do what im doing? if they found out im still with him, theyll disown me and told me to never return. :/ but i dont want to lose the love of my life.
oldguy Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Why do they not like him? You said you are waiting to become financially secure so you can move out? 'Waiting'? are you saving money, do you have an inheritance coming due? You are actually talking about two different problems here, (from your perspective), your parents disprove of your bf & your parents are unfit, mean, cruel & controlling, is that about right? Have they always been such monsters? And once again; why don't they love him as much as you do?
Author wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) they think he's a loser and that he's crazy because he is sensitive... and yes, im saving up and working my way to be finacially stable ans independent. my boyfriend just wants me to be happy, sometimes when i have school work overload, where i stay up day and night trying to finish my assignments, he stays up with me to help me out. and he's helped me out tremedously, reviewing my essays, helping me edit them. he has always been there for me. he even bought my plane ticket home because he knew how much this house hold emotionally drains me out. he's willing to do anything for me but my family wont give him a chance to do so. so we work with what we can discretly. from helping through emotional issues, finances sometimes, makes dinner for me, brings me lunch when im at school, takes me around when i dont have class, takes me to yoga class even if it means going to work late. he doesnt gone to a conventional school for the past 4 years because he disagrees by how the school system teaches the students by having loads of work that doesnt interrelate with each other so you dont learn efficiently. he is a learner and loves to learn. he's really intelligent. he's going to school in iowa this august. he's been working for the past 4 years. they dont see or even care to know what he does and how he's improving as a person. &yes theyve always been this controling. if i dont listen to their wishes, i get a verbal beat down from them :/ they say they want whats best for me, but they do so in such a scary manner. Edited July 11, 2011 by wsupflakes
oldguy Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 First of all, I am very sorry your parents berate you, IMO that is intolerable, & very sad. It is my understanding that they don't like your bf mostly because he has chosen an unconventional learning method?
Author wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) correct. they think he's weird and will go no where in life. he's working his way to becoming a health coach. he just wants to help people. they think because he doesnt do what the "normal" crowd is doing with their life, he is a loser :/ also, they mentioned he is sensitive so therefore , to them, equals a crazy man who they some how come to the conclusion will come to my house and shoot my family.......... he wants to get to know them and be on great terms with them because he knows that i love them but my family wont give him a chance :/ soooo my main question i was wondering is is it the ideal way to go about this situation? when im finacially set to be on my own, im moving out. my mom made it clear, if i end up with this guy, she will disown me and told me to never return. and that i disrespected their wishes of staying away. sadly, im willing for that to happen as much as my mom means everything to me. although she doesnt accept that fact he makes me happy. i cant go through life havin my mom approve or dissaprove who im going to be encountering life :/ Edited July 11, 2011 by wsupflakes
oldguy Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) correct. they think he's weird and will go no where in life. he's working his way to becoming a health coach. he just wants to help people. they think because he doesnt do what the "normal" crowd is doing with their life, he is a loser :/ also, they mentioned he is sensitive so therefore , to them, equals a crazy man who they some how come to the conclusion will come to my house and shoot my family.......... he wants to get to know them and be on great terms with them because he knows that i love them but my family wont give him a chance :/ soooo The most difficult thing for me as a parent was to convince myself that I had done the best I could & to allow my children to become their own persons & lead their own lives, not mine. That was also the most liberating thing for me as a parent also. You need to lead your own life & your parents will have to adjust to that even if it means you will have to rebel. One of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain is; 'I left home when I was 17, no longer able to live in the same house with a man as ignorant as my father. I returned when I was 23 & was amazed at how much he had learned in 5 short years'. Most people believe that the son realized his father wasn't as stupid as the son originally thought but I think the father also learned his son is not a child any longer.The truth is, it is a difficult transition going from parent to.. adviser:) for both the parents & the children. You may have to pull away but I would urge you not to burn bridges, they will always be your parents, even if you claiming your independence at 19 or 20 yo means not being on good terms for a few years. my main question i was wondering is is it the ideal way to go about this situation? It is absolutely NOT ideal, but it may become necessary. when im finacially set to be on my own, im moving out. my mom made it clear, if i end up with this guy, she will disown me and told me to never return. and that i disrespected their wishes of staying away. sadly, im willing for that to happen as much as my mom means everything to me. although she doesnt accept that fact he makes me happy. i cant go through life havin my mom approve or dissaprove who im going to be encountering life :/ They sound like very traditional, old world parents. That is going to mean that you will most likely need to take your independence which will, unfortunately be more difficult. I'm not saying that this is the right guy for you or not but at 19 you should be able to decide for yourself and as long as he isn't a thug or abusive you have the right to choose. If you have questions about him ask your friends who know him. I always thought that raising teens was a bit like riding a horse, you don't want to pull back on the reigns too hard or they will through you, so at times the best thing you can do is hold on tight & give the appearance your in control good luck wsupflakes Edited July 11, 2011 by oldguy
Author wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 thank you so mucj for that response. its nice having an outside perspective. ibstead of family talking me down and asking me why do i like ruining the family.... :/ thank you
turnera Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Here's what I told my DD20 while she was growing up: Don't get serious with any boy in high school; the relationships at that age have about a 5% chance of staying because you both are not done maturing, learning, and changing. This will continue - according to science and statistics - until you are at least 22, 25 - that's when your brain/conscience stops changing. What you think you know for sure at 18 will almost certainly change by the time you turn 25. So don't go making decisions that will affect your life until you've done more aging, maturing, and changing. When you're in college, you MAY find the right person you're a match for, however, I will caution you to still keep things light and non-serious, for several reasons. One, you're still changing; look at how many college students change their majors 2, 4, 5 times; they're not done deciding what they want out of life. So date a guy in college if you want, but do NOT get serious with him yet. Wait until you have your career planned out, are graduating college, before you agree to become serious with any guy. No commitments. Do NOT move for him! You'll find yourself stranded in a new town, once the romance is gone, with no friends and having given up the future you had planned for yourself. What if your career needs you to be in New York City, or Los Angeles, or Hong Kong? Will you give up that job just because your man doesn't want to go there? What if HE wants to move to Portland? Will you change careers, just to keep him happy? Wait, start your career, and meet a guy in THAT city. Finally, I told her: If he's the one, he will wait. If he won't wait, then I guess he wasn't so serious, was he?
oldguy Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Here's what I told my DD20 while she was growing up: Don't get serious with any boy in high school; the relationships at that age have about a 5% chance of staying because you both are not done maturing, learning, and changing. This will continue - according to science and statistics - until you are at least 22, 25 - that's when your brain/conscience stops changing. What you think you know for sure at 18 will almost certainly change by the time you turn 25. So don't go making decisions that will affect your life until you've done more aging, maturing, and changing. :laugh:thank you so much for adding this, it is absolutely true; the brains frontal lobes, responsible for most of one decision making processes do not fully mature until, it's thought now, mid to later 20's. Unfortunately we physically & sexually develop at least 12 to 15 years before that. When you're in college, you MAY find the right person you're a match for, however, I will caution you to still keep things light and non-serious, for several reasons. One, you're still changing; look at how many college students change their majors 2, 4, 5 times; they're not done deciding what they want out of life. So date a guy in college if you want, but do NOT get serious with him yet. Wait until you have your career planned out, are graduating college, before you agree to become serious with any guy. No commitments. Do NOT move for him! You'll find yourself stranded in a new town, once the romance is gone, with no friends and having given up the future you had planned for yourself. What if your career needs you to be in New York City, or Los Angeles, or Hong Kong? Will you give up that job just because your man doesn't want to go there? What if HE wants to move to Portland? Will you change careers, just to keep him happy? Wait, start your career, and meet a guy in THAT city. Finally, I told her: If he's the one, he will wait. If he won't wait, then I guess he wasn't so serious, was he? You sound like a good parent:p listen to her/him about your bf wsupflakes:D Edited July 11, 2011 by oldguy
Author wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) you guys are definately right. which is why i chose to stay with my family until i can finacially support myself. luckily, he says he wants to wait and im willing to wait. only time will tell what can happen then. i had the option to move in with him but that would only stop him fromgoing to school so he can take care of me until i get back on my own two feet, which is why i decided not to. i didnt want to be the reason why he postponed his career because of my actions. he's willing to sacrifice that, but i love him too much to do so. and plus i cant depend on a person like that. i dont know forsure he'll always be there for me, which is why i want to be able to handle myself until i let someone else take care of me. until then, im mainly focusing on getting my career going. thank you guys soo much. its just tough bearing with a family who has a strange way of showing me they love me. its got to the point where its about them keeping their control. if i break their control, hell will break lose :/ so i needed watch out for that. something to look forward too. be strong i shall always tell myself. Edited July 11, 2011 by wsupflakes
turnera Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 It sounds like you've got things under control. You're doing very well. I heard some man on the radio the other day saying he never heard his father say 'I love you' in his entire life. Yet he knew, without a doubt, that he did. Another thing to remember - and I can say this, as a mother of a 20 year old! - is that parents of kids your age go through a LOT of STRESS at the thought of you getting out of the nest and flying on your own. From YOUR end, it all seems wonderful and full of promise; from OUR end, it's scary because we want to be able to protect you and know what you're doing so we can offer advice and make sure you're ok, while we also know we have to learn to let go. It's not easy!
Dust Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 You don’t really have to sneak around. I think it’s adult of you to avoid conflict and confrontations. The thing is some times backing away from a fight with your family can encourage them to pick on you more. If they picked a boyfriend for you maybe they would be happy but chances are you’d be very upset. This is an unavoidable battle. It’s not so much about this guy but about your right to date the people you want to date. The fact is your mothers family probably berated your father for years and vice versa. So, they are just putting you through the nasty crap they were put through. Do they expect to just be able to pick and approve of a bf for you? Would you be happy dating a person like they describe for you? I would just try to not get so emotional or confrontational and just relax. No rush in leaving home. I think it’s important to avoid debt if you can. I lived away from home for my schooling and much of my debt accumulated from that. If they are literally driving you crazy then yes move out. There might be a way to kind of ignore them though. Your families threats of disowning you are possibly talk. So just try not to stress out and worry to much.
Author wsupflakes Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) step 2: appologizing sooo i have a month under this house hold where i "had stir all this drama" until i move back with my mom. i cant keep avoiding them as much as i would like to, but i gptta woMAN up sometime. ive apologized many times before but this time im sincere, i just wanted to know how can i go about this if they speak viet with no english and i speak.... barely any viet with fluent english. how do you guys go about this situation? language is the only thing holding me back right now :/ also, i know its more on the tone i say it in, but are the things i want to say sincere enough? i dont want to sound arrogant or snobby or any of that nature. plz help me. :/ "im sorry for causing all this trouble. im sorry that it had to take more than one mistake to realize what im doing was wrong. i really love my mom. i know what i was doing doesnt show that but i really do. im sorry for disrespecting you. grandma, you cried along time on sunday and i could tell you were really hurt and dissapointed. as i was talking to my mom on sunday on the phone, i realize why you were crying. i took advantage of my mom being there in which great grandma has passed. now i understand that this is hurting my mom whoch is hurting the family. also, i never seen that side of grandpa before, so i definately could tell that he was hurt. :/ he means alot to me,. i love it when he teaches me new things and teaches me to cook amd whrn he laughs and tells jokes. i took advantage of that as well. i didnt know what i was doing at the time, but i realized that i went behind your backs, i lied to you guys and took advantage of your love. all this pain and sufferin within this family. whether you guys believe me or not, i just had to let you guys know what ive been thinking about when i was in my sis room for the past 3-4 days. i just wanted you guys to know i love you even though my actions may have said otherwise and idk why it was so hard for me to understand why you guys did all this, i let my stubborness, my pride get in the way. if you guys didnt care, you guys wouldnt be lecturing me for hours. you guys want whats best for me and my future and didnt want this guy to get in the way. i thank you for that. :/....my words may mean nothing to you, but i can only show you that im improving and im sorry again that it had to be many mistakes for me to realize what i was doing. will you accept my apology?" most likely they will say no but i understand why they would. i apologized many times before, but i just had this say my feelings about all of this. if only i could say this in english Edited July 11, 2011 by wsupflakes
turnera Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I would keep it simple, sincere, and respectful. Respect is big, I assume, from what I know of my Vietnamese friends. Think a little bit about what would FEEL respected to them. Say, for instance, the woman of the house loves roses. A show of respect would be to find a beautiful potted rose in her favorite color, and offer it to her as an apology. Something like that.
Author wsupflakes Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 i wish i could keep it simple. but ive made many mistake in the past where i had ended up with telling them a simple apology, so ive abused it. so i think ima elaborate it more with a long one. time to make a different way about going on with this situations. especially, i have 5 different people to apologize to. ima have my aunt translate for me :/ i cant think of any other way without them no truely understand what im saying with my broken viet. goodluck to me >< thank you for the advice
turnera Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Could you ask your mom to go with you and translate for you? That way, they hear what they need to, and your mom sees you growing up and doing the adult, respectful thing.
Author wsupflakes Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 as much as i would like that, shes across the country. im going to place my mom on the phone and on speaker and have everyone who lives in my house sit down while i tell them my apology. the sad&hardest part is that theyll think its just another one of my lies and a joke. i just got off a phone call from my mom and i feel like running away. i went downstairs to grab a drink of water and my grandma followed me downstairs so i wont leave the house. i feel they wont take my apology seriously and its going to hurt me sooo much. i need help emotionally dealing with this. :/ i cant continue my life living like this. everyone mocking me and laughin at me :/ my family made me feel like i am not worthy enough to live anymore. idk what to do. ive decided to recite my apology tmr but i am petrified that i cant emotionally handle their responses. :/ help me please.
Author wsupflakes Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 if i could hide in a closet until i move after a month, i would. thats how i feel right now. is this what depression feels like? right now im thinking about how happy i would be if i was at my boyfriends house. he would pamper me until i fall asleep. :/ so right now, they are actually pushing me indirectly to him. blahhhh help me please
Els Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Just grit your teeth and hold on. Apologize, do whatever you need to do. In a few years you should be able to move out. No point in depriving yourself of your sole source of support and comfort during that time for people who don't understand you and don't even try. When people refuse to be reasonable, sometimes the only recourse, if you cannot leave, is to delude them. I see nothing wrong in what you're doing. Good luck.
turnera Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'm sorry, I didn't see your post earlier. All I can do is tell you that, from a 50-year-old's perspective, your life with them isn't that bad. It could be a LOT worse. So people don't trust you? Grit your teeth and bare it. At least you have a home to live in, people who care about you, and you're supported financially, while you make long-term preparations. Look at it as your cross-bearing period. Is it fun? Comfortable? Maybe not. But it IS something you can live with. You just don't want to. This would be a good time for you to show them all that you are maturing and doing what adults do - accepting unfortunate situations and carrying on with dignity. PROVE to them that you're better than they expect.
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