I have low self esteem

[tb24]

In a similar vein to Ross' thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285894/

 

My biggest issue with flirting is that I don't think I'm attractive enough and feel inadequate. Constantly in the back of my mind is "She wouldn't be interested in me".

 

I know that this attitude is unattractive but I struggle to work past it.

 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm good looking but the second I start talking to a girl I like that feeling is lost instantly and I suddenly feel shy and unattractive.

 

My recent ex-girlfriend who is very beautiful often called me "pretty" but I'm not sure "pretty" is a compliment for a guy, However, even though this *should* boost my confidence, it doesn't seem to help in reality.

 

The only reason I got with my ex is because she messaged me first on a dating site. Ususually I'd have considered her "Well out of my league" and not even tried.

 

I don't really know how to work through it. I feel attractive at times but the second I think someone might be checking me out or might be interested I become VERY self-concious and feel like I'm not good enough or that they're judging me.

 

I know it's just a mental block and I know I'm not "ugly" but I still feel like I'm not good enough for even average girls. How can I overcome this mental block?

 

Admittedly, I have improved. When I was 20 (5 years ago), I honestly believed that nobody would ever find me attractive. At least I'm not that bad now but I need to work out how to work past this feeling. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I don't know how to overcome it. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

[Dorie]

Just as with Ross, it seems this phenomenon is part of a larger perception of yourself as not good enough. Getting to the root, the underlying problem would serve you best.

 

Oftentimes, men will tackle the problem of feeling insecure by trying to learn Pick Up Artist techniques (PUA) to improve their success with women and increase confidence. It's building a house on a foundation of sand IMO.

What's more effective is to identify and deconstruct the reasons why one feels fundamentally inadequate.

It could be scathing remarks made during formative years, an abusive parent, a heightened sensitivity to the judgment of others brought about by constant criticism. Many things could be underlying your feelings.

 

I encourage you to discover them with a counselor as self-reflection can sometimes be limited and a second party can prod us to examine greater depths.

 

Good luck.

[tb24]

well, I made the mistake of putting what I thought was a quite flattering photo on hotornot.com and it's at 7.9 which for hotornot is rather low. Most people on there are between 8 and 10.

 

Anyway, I agree that positive thinking would help and it does for a while. Sometimes I leave the house and feel really confident but it never lasts. As soon as something happens I'm not expecting, e.g. interacting with someone new I lose it completley. Even the smallest thing makes me suddenly feel incredibly self concious and my perception is changed; to get back to any level of confidence is incredibly difficult.

[Ross MwcFan]

You're on the right track in that you're admitting that it's self esteem. To help this, sometimes it might sound hokey, but positive affirmations really can do the trick. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you are awesome and handsome, and getting better day by day.

Later in the day, do the same thing. Keep repeating it to yourself.

Even if you don't notice a difference right away, KEEP ON IT.

It's amazing what can happen once you tell yourself something enough.

 

Positive affirmations are actually supposed to do the opposite if you don't believe they're true. Becasue all that will happen when you say that positive affirmation is that it will make you aware of how it isn't true, and end up making you feel worse.

 

So I think if he's going to tell himself positive affirmations, he needs to say ones that he believes are true.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Ross MwcFan