Bit of a set back to healing :(

[The_Good_Me]

Hi guys

 

Just venting a little here and I suppose hoping for some reassuring replys.

 

Basically it's been 3 months since the break up and after 6 weeks of pain, I managed to sever hope of reconciliation. When I say that I mean that I severed making it my priority. Being an open minded person I never rule anything out but for the 6 weeks after that I have accepted that that I am single and the only thing to do is go through the pain of healing in the hopes of achieving indifference.

 

I thought I was making good progress, thinking about her had started to decline, time with friends increased, new hobbies starting to occupy my mind while I wasn't doing them and plans for the future only included me.

 

This weekend my friend saw and spoke to my ex. My ex said that she's been missing me and has been tempted to text me but keeps stopping herself. My friend told her that I've moved city and apparantly my ex already knew that. My friend told her that I was getting stronger but recently had a bad turn regarding the relationship (which is true, I mean I do have my bad days still) but she also reasurred my ex that she's sure I will become stronger again. Pretty much agreeing that it's the natural ups and downs. My ex said she was having similar mood swings regarding the break up. My ex said it was good that I was keeping busy with new hobbies.

 

My friend told me about this chance meeting today (I had no idea it happened) and I instantly burst into tears. I'm so disappointed that I reacted that way as it shows that I've barely moved into the healing phase. I think I've set myself up well for the healing process (meeting people, taking up hobbies etc) but I'm pretty gutted as I now realise that my heart hasn't moved with my head.

 

I'm under no illusion of reconciliation as I know what was said is basically "I'm glad he's doing well" which is essentially "I'm happy that he's moving on" and missing someone who you've been with for 10 years is natural. It doesn't mean that she wants me back, she just misses me which is nice and heartbreaking at the same time. I'm not going to break NC as I know that reconciliation could only happen if she came to me to initiate it and she would have to say all the right things (which I can't see happening). Sadly I thought I was in a place where even if she came back, I'd just say "We're too far gone, I can't trust you again so we need to leave it at that". Now I know that if she did come back, I probably would give it a go after my reaction at hearing my friend had spoken to her.

 

My head is screaming, begging and pleading my heart to forget her and move on so I'm not hurting anymore and my heart is like a stubborn kid "nope, still love her, sod off brain! don't care what you think! :p"

 

Staying NC is the right thing to do even though my heart is screaming "NOW'S THE TIME TO TALK TO HER FOOL!". My head is saying what I said above "Nothing will come of it mate, missing you is natural and she hasn't mentioned anything about reconciliation so just stay NC, heal properly etc"

 

My head is right.... right!? I know it's right, just looking for reassurance I guess.

[sleepykitten]

Stay NC!!!! It will only make you feel worse if you speak to her, look at how affected you were just by hearing about her. What if you call her, she doesnt answer and doesnt return your call?? Play each possible senario out in your head first.

[The_Good_Me]

Thanks sleepykitten. I will stay NC. My nerves are just shot and I know I'm having a weak day, comments like yours help to bring things into perspective and keep me on the right path

[Renard99]

Your head is absolutely right!

 

I had something almost identical happen to me in May.

 

I had to contact her to tie up some financial loose ends. The email I got back was not what I expected. She admitted to missing me and said the 8 years she spent with me were the happiest she's ever had an that she's miserable now.

 

Now, on this occasion my heart overuled my head and I pursued this a little. Turns out, as you quite rightly deduced in your situation, "missing you is natural and she hasn't mentioned anything about reconciliation".

 

Once I realised that it was really just a relationship she was missing and not me in particular, and that she still doesn't love me anymore, her feelings for me are now that of a friend, I fell back to square one of healing.

 

Unless she outright initiates reconciliation, don't do anything differently as you're already doing the right thing in your head.

[The_Good_Me]

Thanks Renard. Sorry to hear you've been through something similar I think my ex is just missing the relationship instead of me. She may think she's missing me but I can imagine that if I persued a bit, I'd get bugger all back from her or some cliche crap.

 

Unless she comes after me, I have to stay NC and if anyone out there is in the same / similar situation, please stay NC until they come for you or you achieve indifference towards your ex.

 

What helps me keep NC is telling myself that breaking it only serves to cause me pain. I wouldn't cut yourself with a knife on purpose so don't cut yourself emotionally either!

 

Stay strong out there!

[sleepykitten]

Hi there the good me, hope your day got better and you stayed strong? I know how tough it is I broke nc after a week, we saw each other and then i was right back to square one pretty much, but without him seeing me upset, so no tears and whys and what ifs.....still, have been nc for just over a week now, last time he left after first nc break he said I love you, i'll see you soon. I remember thinking no you wont. However it still hurts like hell that he hasnt text like he said he would, but i just keep telling myself it doesnt matter, i dont want to see him, its better this way, of course my head keeps telling me how he's out every night and pulling girls left right and centre and has just totally forgotton about me and all he ever said and promised, but I know his actions at the end didnt match at all to the words he spoke, I guess thats what made it so hard. I had a day and eve of feeling pretty lonely, i live on my owm with no friends to just pop in to see as they all have b/f living with them and live far away. I tried going to a class at the gym but it had been cancelled-came home and burst into tears, just miss having someone here sometimes, these days will come and go i know. I hope youre ok though. loveshack is great for just knowing theres a network of friends out there in the same boat taking time to reply and help.

[The_Good_Me]

Hi sleepykitten. Thank you very much for sending a follow-up post to ask about me the rest of yesterday after finding out was pretty much torture as you can imagine. It brought the break up to the fore-front of my mind and everything raced through it again. I then went through the natural and horrible process of second guessing what she meant by missing me, whether or not it was true and all the other stuff that comes with hearing stuff like that. Fortunately I was at work and I'm lucky to be surrounded by people I consider friends rather than work colleges and I was really busy. My headphones went on, my shades went on (to hide my red teary face) and I burried myself into work. It sort of helped. I still thought about her all day but it was better than having not much to do. One of my friends came up to me at the end of the day and invited me round to his for a laugh so I ended up going to try and take my mind off things. It worked until I got home and sadly I didn't get a single minute of sleep last night as my mind raced through everything. I'm very disappointed in myself in one way but in the other I'm accepting I'm just going through my natural course and I have to be patient. I'm so impatient though haha.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through a break-up and set back when NC was broken. I'm also very sorry to hear he made the typical BS promises that dumpers dish out. It's so weird to go from feeling loved by them, to feeling that they're being just plain mean! They know their promises are hollow so why hurt the person you used to love so much? I think that they think they're protecting our feelings in the moment without realising how crushing it is when the promise isn't kept. I know the pain you're going through there and I sympathise. Out of all that though I am more sorry to hear you don't have any family or friends you can turn too in your area. These are the people you need right now. I hope at least one of them can find some time to help you through this as its time like these where you find out who your closest friends are, the ones that care enough to put aside some time for you. When I was dumped I was in an area where I had no friends but I had my parents. My parents care about me but obviously cannot offer me the same support as friends so I moved city to be closer to them. I'm living alone too but I've thrown myself at work doing all overtime possible so I basically use my apartment to sleep in. At the weekends I try to see as much of my friends as possible. That's what's really helping me at the moment but I know that uping and leaving isn't always that feasible for everyone.

 

I think you said it right at the end of your mail "these days will come and go i know" and that's so true. How you fill your time during the healing period is the challenge and I wish you and everyone else out there the very best of luck!

[brokendreamz]

Yep - I'm hearing y'all on this.

 

We didn't split on bad terms although I begged in the begginning, and again when I heard she was seeing a new guy (face palm!!)

 

She says things like - I'll always miss you and want to know how you are doing and probably the most painful is 'I'll always love you'.

 

I know she's just trying to be nice - she never means anyone any harm but knowing she is saying these things with such indifference tears me apart.

 

Even after our house sale completed last week (which should be the final straw as far as my heart getting over this) I still wonder if she's coming back!!

 

My head knows this aint gonna happen and I have made a pcat with myself that no contact will be a way of life for me from now on.

 

It's all so sad but I am in a much better place than I was 6 months ago so who know's what I'll be like in another 6...

 

Good luck everyone and remember NC NC NC NC ! ! !

[The_Good_Me]

Sorry to hear about the situation brokendreamz but I'm glad you have the right attitude towards it. Staying strong is all we can do.

 

I read on here somewhere recently someone said it's ok to have a bit of hope, so long as it isn't your priority. That made me feel a little better as before I was screaming at myself to lose hope but it was impossible to give up. Since I read that it made me realise that it's natural to have hope, it will fade from the heart in its own time and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. It sounds like both our heads have no hope but our hearts still do. Fortunately it also sounds like we both do not prioritise reconciliation! We prioritise moving on and that is the only thing we can do.

 

Keep going! you're doing great!

[sleepykitten]

Hi goodme-well i went to a boxercise class last night which really turned my mood around. I had got home to an awful letter from my mum she is quite controlling, maniplulative etc and basically it was an out of the blue dragging stuff up from the past, not a nice thing to recieve when i was already feeling low. However i looked at it as a good sign as it stopped me focusing on the ex and reminded me that my issues of abandonment, lack of sense of self, etc are to do with her and mine to fix, and how i am feeling about him and him leaving just trigger old issues in me. And i know that i miss being in a relationship, i miss parts of him, but i know he was not the person he pretended to be for that first yr of our relationship. Hurts as i believed evrything he said, but then so did he, i think he meant it at the time but has no real concept of what a real relationship is as wants perfection and that honeymoon period at all times. Anyway...how are you doing today??

[The_Good_Me]

Hi Sleepykitten - Boxercize class sounds great if it's what I think it is. Is that where you train as a boxer to keep fit but don't actually have to fight anyone? That sounds like a good place to work off emotions and meet new people well done for getting into it. It's sometimes hard to even want to get out of the house when you're feeling low. It just shows that you're definitely moving in the right direction!

 

I'm very sorry to hear you got a letter from your mum which dragged your mood even lower. You need all the support you can get right now so I can only begin to imagine how it must of felt to recieve something like that. It's good that it made you realise some stuff about yourself though and I hope that you can work on these to improve yourself first and your relationship with your mother second. This would no doubt lift your spirits achieving something like that. It's good that you've also realised that your ex was pretending to be something he wasn't as I can imagine that really helps when thinking about moving on. Obviously it isn't a miricle cure as the hurt is still there and the bond broken but having that perspective must be a good thing in the great scheme of things.

 

Thank you very much for asking how I am today I have again had a tonne of work to do (I'm at work now but taking a well deserved break!) and even though I've got the bulk out the way, I've been distracted with thoughts of my ex. This morning I couldn't stop thinking about what my friend said about my ex missing me and wanting to text but kept stopping herself. I spoke to my friend and she said that it was more of a "Oh I meant to text him about something the other day" which lends itself more to the kind of message dumpers send along the line of "Saw this today, thought of you!" which feels innocent to the dumper (as they have already achieved indifference) but to the dumpee that hasn't moved on, it's crushing as it brings realisation that the ex has moved on and feels comfortable sending this kind of stuff. I was hoping that her missing me was related to wanting to text me but that was naive of me to think. All in all having a pretty miserable day thinking about this stuff but I suppose it's to be expected on a day of realising something new which happens to be quite sad. I suspect this feeling will last until the end of the day at least but I know I'll get stronger again. My snowboard gear arrived today so I keep trying to get excited about taking a small holiday! That'll get me through this set back I'm sure

 

Keep up the good work by the way you're doing great!

[sleepykitten]

Hey there you, just replied to your boxing question on my thread. Great you've got a holiday to look forward to that will do you the world of good, i would love to pack a bag and head to some sun sea and perfect beaches somewhere, unfortunatly i have used most of my a/l up in jan and feb.

Its actually really good your ex didnt text you, i know if mine text me i would be reading all sorts into it and it would probably be the indifferent, hi how are you etc and then i wouldnt know what to do with it, answer, ignore, be indifferent back...endless!!

I am so relieved and pretty proud of myself for not e mailing today when i cme sooo horribly close. This is like AA we should get a keyring or something each week.

Hope you had a good night. One day closer to peace of mind and better things.

[The Aviator]

I know exactly how you feel! My ex left me about 3.5 months ago. I haven't seen her since and the only communication has been 1 happy easter reply text (after I initiated the first) and an email telling me to 'move on with my life and be happy'.

 

The last 2-3 weeks i've been feeling so much better in myself just surrounding myself with friends and family and getting up to lots but only today my mate told me he had a phone call from my ex. He picked it up immediately to shout down the phone 'WHAT THE F**K DO U WANT?' (He hates her after what she done to me) but realised it must of gone off in her handbag by mistake as all he heard was rustling noises. Still, this has affected me (however stupid it sounds) because I know she is still out there somewhere, still alive and breathing and wanting nothing to do with me at the same time Also stumbled across a picture on my phone yesterday that I had to get rid of immediately that was of the 2 of us in the height of our relationship smiling away.

 

I feel myself healing day by day, week by week but can't help that feel NC is just 'sweeping the dust under the carpet' for the time being and any communication from her or via anyone else in the future could just open up a bag of worms again and leave me right back to square one! What do you guys think of that?

[sleepykitten]

I feel myself healing day by day, week by week but can't help that feel NC is just 'sweeping the dust under the carpet' for the time being and any communication from her or via anyone else in the future could just open up a bag of worms again and leave me right back to square one! What do you guys think of that?

 

I hear you on this one! The way I am thinking of it or dealing with that is by doing all i can to realise my ex had alot of flaws, remember all the bad times, how he led me on, freeloaded, how he broke up with me, etc etc, also while doing this working on my self worth, knowing i cam do alot better in the future, hopefully not making the same mistakes i have made by allowing myself to become totally absorbed into someone else and making them responsible for my happiness...then if i do get any communication via him or a third party it will bounce off me and that can of worms stays shut, and i will feel indifferent, or maybe not, but whatever i may feel i will be stronger to deal with it this time round.

[The_Good_Me]

Its actually really good your ex didnt text you, i know if mine text me i would be reading all sorts into it and it would probably be the indifferent, hi how are you etc and then i wouldnt know what to do with it, answer, ignore, be indifferent back...endless!!

 

You're right about that sleepy. I've been reading into it just knowing that she has at some point felt like sending me a text. If I had actually of recieved it I think my head would have exploded hehe. Hopefully my friend has put her off texting me now and this will be the last scare I get. Having said that, our wedding day is only a month away. Obviously this wedding has been cancelled but we organised so much and had the full day planned out. Now I'm just waiting for that day to come and already dreading it. Going to feel like crap on the day regardless of what happens

 

I am so relieved and pretty proud of myself for not e mailing today when i cme sooo horribly close. This is like AA we should get a keyring or something each week.

Hope you had a good night. One day closer to peace of mind and better things.

 

Well done you for not emailing It takes a lot of inner strength to stop yourself when you're on the brink. You did the right thing and have every right to be proud of yourself! haha love the AA comment

 

My night was great in comparison to what I thought would happen. I was convinced I'd just go home and cry but instead I was so exhausted from a long day, I fell asleep almost straight away. Woke up stll feeling a bit odd about the whole situation but I didn't cry and it's like you say, one day closer to peace of mind and better things

 

I know exactly how you feel! My ex left me about 3.5 months ago. I haven't seen her since and the only communication has been 1 happy easter reply text (after I initiated the first) and an email telling me to 'move on with my life and be happy'.

 

The last 2-3 weeks i've been feeling so much better in myself just surrounding myself with friends and family and getting up to lots but only today my mate told me he had a phone call from my ex. He picked it up immediately to shout down the phone 'WHAT THE F**K DO U WANT?' (He hates her after what she done to me) but realised it must of gone off in her handbag by mistake as all he heard was rustling noises. Still, this has affected me (however stupid it sounds) because I know she is still out there somewhere, still alive and breathing and wanting nothing to do with me at the same time Also stumbled across a picture on my phone yesterday that I had to get rid of immediately that was of the 2 of us in the height of our relationship smiling away.

 

Hi Aviator. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a break up. I don't think it sounds stupid to be affected by what happened. Any little thing that happens can bring your ex to the fore-front of your mind and as you haven't achieved indifference yet, it brings everything back up again and you feel as though you're back at square one like you say. Human beings are such odd creatures but you are only human and what you're feeling is natural. The moment I stepped outside this morning, saw the blue sky and felt the heat of the sun on me it instantly made me think of the holiday my ex and I took towards the end of last year. It was a perfect 2 week holiday and I proposed to her out there. Just that feeling when I walked outside made me think about how happy we were back then and how awful it is now that we're apart. When something happens that involves your ex directly then it just seems to sting you more which is why NC is so important.

 

I feel myself healing day by day, week by week but can't help that feel NC is just 'sweeping the dust under the carpet' for the time being and any communication from her or via anyone else in the future could just open up a bag of worms again and leave me right back to square one! What do you guys think of that?

 

I know exactly what you mean by this as I too feel the same way. This is one of the reasons why NC is so hard as not only do you go through the emotions of missing your ex, wanting to be out of the pain zone, be totally healed and moved on, you also go through all the fears of the "what if's" and "how will I react if this happens?" etc. The truth is we never know how we're going to react to something until it happens. If your ex contacted you now, your can of worms would more than likely spring open! I know the same would occur for me. The only thing you can do right now is keep the NC thing going, keep feeling your emotions, keep thinking of the what ifs when they come naturally (don't go out of your way to think about them) and allow them to pass through you. NC is a long and hard road with many ups and downs. At the end of the road is indifference and your future happiness. When you get to the end of the road, somewhere down the line, that commication from your ex might come and that can of worms will stay shut. You won't get the intense emotions and you'll make your choice of reply or ignore. Either way, you won't be going through what you're afraid of now.

 

We're still on that road buddy and it's going to take us a while to reach the end. Keep doing what you can and ride the set backs. You'll make it and when you do, i'll buy you a pint

[sleepykitten]

I think we should all get together for a pint! Struggling alot today-have that physical pain, on the verge of tears all day, in fact as soon as i closed my door behind me that was it! I just feel so done in by all of it, the constant endless repetative thoughts, the rollercoaster, the what ifs, the wondering, oh my god when will it end. Today I cant bear it. I think the letter from my mum has also stirred up those issues I have with abandonment, her constant intalling of fear in me from a young age of " you cant do it, its a hard world out there, something bad will happen" etc etc. I seem to have this continuous fear of being scared and feeling on my knees. I feel like i am nothing without someone who loves and accepts me. I know this cant be true, and i am doing what i can to stay strong and move forward but its a tough day today.

Thank you for all your support and just knowing there are others going through this and still taking the time through their own pain to reply is a massive help. We need to have a love shack party to cheer us all up.

Your wedding in a month....make sure you arent alone that day-promise me you wont stay in one your own.

[The_Good_Me]

Sorry to hear that sleepy sounds like you definitely need a pint! I know the physical pain you refer too, that chest pain where I'm sure they got the phrase "heartbroken" from. I sincerely hate days like that. The good thing is you seem to have already experienced some good days and you will get back to them... then you'll have some more down days and so on. From what I've read, the frequency of the down days gets fewer and fewer as time goes on. Pity you have to go through a few months of NC before you start seeing any progress. I guess it can be likened to building muscle at the gym. It takes hard work and a long time before you start seeing a return on that work and it's easy to give up after lots of pain and no sign of improvement.

 

These issues you speak of must be holding you back to some degree and I think you need to make a list of all your good qualities. Keep the list and read it everytime you feel bad about yourself. Whenever you think of something new to add, or you do something in the day that makes you feel good, add it to the list. Compile it over a period of time and keep going back to it. Whether or not you give this a go you need to find a way to tell yourself that you are a good person worthy of love and you definitely are not nothing without someone to love you! You already know it's true which is a good thing, so find something that helps convince you of that when you go through a bad day. I wish you the best of luck with this!

 

I've got no idea what I'm going to do on my wedding day... I might go crash the wedding that will have taken our slot hehe joke Seriously though at the moment I have no plans but I will make a promise to you and to myself that I will spend it with friends

[jymie10]

dont talk to her its a bad bad idea and its probly whats kkeeping me from gettting over my ex bf and i she dose want you back shell tell you and ya but just try try to be strong it sucks the most if u know they still care about cuz then what ifs are in yor head so dont talk to her good luck!!!

[The_Good_Me]

dont talk to her its a bad bad idea and its probly whats kkeeping me from gettting over my ex bf and i she dose want you back shell tell you and ya but just try try to be strong it sucks the most if u know they still care about cuz then what ifs are in yor head so dont talk to her good luck!!!

 

Hi jymie, sorry to hear you're having trouble getting over your ex it sounds like you need a serious dose of NC.

 

You're right about not talking to her and fortunately that is definitely my course of action. I will remain strong and keep NC going. I'll hit 7 weeks NC tomorrow and I'm not going to ruin the hard work I've put in already. What's really helped me is to get into a separate weekly routine and weekend routine. During the week I'm fortunate to be working on a project which requires a lot of overtime so I pretty much wake up > go to work > stay there all day > get home > go to bed > wake up and repeat. It's a **** way of life when you're happy but when you're trying to get over someone, it's the best medicine. It's good to have an easy way of getting 5 days a week out the way. The weekend is harder but again I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of really nice friends and so far have not had any trouble hooking up with someone to pass the time with. When I'm alone I work out for 2 reasons, 1 to improve my looks (which gives you that feel good factor) and 2 working out releases endorphins which is a natural way to feel better. Doesn't always work but it's good to keep distracting yourself. Just gotta keep working hard at filling the time until we finally reach that wonderful, yet tragic indifference.

 

Good luck jymie

[The Aviator]

 

You're right about not talking to her and fortunately that is definitely my course of action. I will remain strong and keep NC going. I'll hit 7 weeks NC tomorrow and I'm not going to ruin the hard work I've put in already. What's really helped me is to get into a separate weekly routine and weekend routine. During the week I'm fortunate to be working on a project which requires a lot of overtime so I pretty much wake up > go to work > stay there all day > get home > go to bed > wake up and repeat. It's a **** way of life when you're happy but when you're trying to get over someone, it's the best medicine. It's good to have an easy way of getting 5 days a week out the way. The weekend is harder but again I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of really nice friends and so far have not had any trouble hooking up with someone to pass the time with. When I'm alone I work out for 2 reasons, 1 to improve my looks (which gives you that feel good factor) and 2 working out releases endorphins which is a natural way to feel better. Doesn't always work but it's good to keep distracting yourself. Just gotta keep working hard at filling the time until we finally reach that wonderful, yet tragic indifference.

 

 

The Good Me, We have almost the exact same strategy! It's going to be nearly 4 months since I last saw her by the end of the month and probably 3 months since I last text her. I'm NEVER going to contact her now until she contacts me first...thats if she ever does!

 

I too am grateful for having a job which gets me through at least 5 days of the week. Any opportunity for overtime at the moment I instantly just say 'YES!' so recently been working 6 days a week. Usually it's a pretty rubbish job but in times like this i'm so pleased I have it. I have signed up to the gym too and have been working out hard. But just like you I get up, go to work, come home, chill, gym, eat, sleep, repeat!

 

I'm also taking any opportunity to go out with good friends or even with the family at weekends. Usually Sat and Sun would of been spent with her and it has been incredibly hard to find things to do where I would have normally spent the time with her....

[The_Good_Me]

The Good Me, We have almost the exact same strategy! It's going to be nearly 4 months since I last saw her by the end of the month and probably 3 months since I last text her. I'm NEVER going to contact her now until she contacts me first...thats if she ever does!

 

I too am grateful for having a job which gets me through at least 5 days of the week. Any opportunity for overtime at the moment I instantly just say 'YES!' so recently been working 6 days a week. Usually it's a pretty rubbish job but in times like this i'm so pleased I have it. I have signed up to the gym too and have been working out hard. But just like you I get up, go to work, come home, chill, gym, eat, sleep, repeat!

 

I'm also taking any opportunity to go out with good friends or even with the family at weekends. Usually Sat and Sun would of been spent with her and it has been incredibly hard to find things to do where I would have normally spent the time with her....

 

Hi Aviator. Sounds like your doing well 3 months NC is a big milestone and you should be very proud of achieving it. From what I've read, month 3 is one of the harder months generally and I'll be starting that next month... sadly it's the same month I was supposed to marry my ex so I imagine I have a pretty rough ride ahead. On the plus side, my work will be even busier as our project draws to a close. Just gotta keep going

 

I too will never contact my ex again and if she ever contacts me then I still won't reply as I'm sure it'll just be breadcrumbs. It feels like every couple of weeks I think of something new to try and accept. Since my friend told me she spoke to my ex (which was this monday just gone) I've been having a bad time as a lot of emotions came back up. Even though it hurts, it's made me realise that I cannot kid myself when it comes to how I feel about her. Before monday I've been convincing myself that I will lose all feelings for her one day. After this set back I've kinda realised that being with her for my entire adult life, I will never kill all feelings for her and I'm likely to love her at least in some small way for the rest of my life. If the unlikely happened and she came back to me, even though right now I love her so much, I would turn her away. I'm working on accepting that scenario no matter how slim. I think by accepting all these things little by little it'll help with the healing process... something I'm trying anyway.

 

It's great to hear you can conectrate on work too it really does help even if you think of your ex, you have to work so it's easier to get distracted than it is when you're alone or don't have a lot on.

 

Weekends really are the hard part but now that you've joined a gym, you can lose yourself there for a good few hours. There is always time at the weekend though where you find yourself alone, too tired to work out, don't feel like watching a film as you know it'll just be background noise while you think of your ex. My recommendation is to pick an instrument and learn to play. Even if you're already a musician, pick a new instrument, get some youtube tutorials going and before you know it, it's getting dark outside and your learning a new skill. Take this opportunity to try everything you said you'd try when you were with your ex but didn't have time for. Those pesky weekends will steadily again become something you look forward to rather than dread... or maybe it's me that just dreads the weekend... strange to actually like being at work hehe.

 

Keep going man, you're doing a great job

[sleepykitten]

You sound like a really good mate, just reading your replies, both to me and others. God I know what you mean about the weekends, this was the first weekend i actually enjoyed, and last night i stayed over at my friends, sundays the worst I find, it'll be 8/9 weeks on tues since the split and 2 weeks nc tomorrow! We're getting there. It will be ok, i am just thinking of christmas and hopefully will be in a compleatly different head space by then-ie hardly giving him a thought!!!! Havent smoked all day today...this is amazing for me as since the split i was constanly smoking even though i gave up yrs ago!! Am sending you a sunday hug.

[The Aviator]

Well I went to a party last night with all my old school friends and although I was getting merry on the drink I probably only thought of my ex maybe...once or twice out of the whole evening! 6-7 hours!

 

This is amazing as I was so distracted. Usually she'll now pop into my head every few mins. Today has been a little different being a tad hungover Not done a great deal today so of course naturally I'll end up thinking about her more. I've got a 'lads-only' road trip down from the UK to Italy in a weeks time so hopefully I'll be feeling even better when I return. Will keep you all posted!

 

It's also going to be my birthday on the 30th. IF I do get a text/email from her wishing me happy birthday should I reply with a simple 'thank you ' or just ignore it? Part of me thinks it's mature to say thank you and leave it at that but part of me thinks I shouldn't bother to reply because she hasn't bothered to get in contact with me ONCE since she broke up with me. Although I'm not getting my hopes up if she'll say anything at all. Any idea guys?

[sleepykitten]

Morning Aviator-I would ignore it if she does text, have it in your mind that she really wont anyway. If you reply its just opening the door again for you-to wait for a "how was your day" etc etc, or what if she ignores your reply, you'll be back to day one again or near enough. Youve done brilliantly so be nc for so long. I am totally envious of your trip to Italy i havent been and its my next place on my list to go. Have a brilliant time.

[The_Good_Me]

You sound like a really good mate, just reading your replies, both to me and others. God I know what you mean about the weekends, this was the first weekend i actually enjoyed, and last night i stayed over at my friends, sundays the worst I find, it'll be 8/9 weeks on tues since the split and 2 weeks nc tomorrow! We're getting there. It will be ok, i am just thinking of christmas and hopefully will be in a compleatly different head space by then-ie hardly giving him a thought!!!! Havent smoked all day today...this is amazing for me as since the split i was constanly smoking even though i gave up yrs ago!! Am sending you a sunday hug.

 

Thank you so much for saying that sleepy sometimes when I reply to people I think I might be saying totally the wrong thing or at least things people aren't ready or want to hear. Reading that has just made me very happy

 

I'm so happy for you that you had a good weekend! having such a good one after only 2 weeks NC is really good going! you should be very proud! No smoking too! Well done you I hope by christmas you will have achieved what you've set out to and it sounds like you're well on your way! Keep up the good work!

 

Thanks for the Sunday hug I really needed it. Sadly spent this weekend alone and managed to get through Saturday alright but on Sunday I was pretty much a wreck for a good half hour. You're right about Sunday's being the harder day, there is just something about them. God knows what though. I managed to pull through though, went for run, did a work out in my living room and forced myself to get out of it. It was my first full weekend alone after splitting up so I'm pretty glad I only had half an hour of being down and I managed to pull myself out of the gutter

 

For me christmas will be a nightmare as believe it or not, my ex's birthday is 25th December haha! Of all the dates!!! This year I won't have to spend as much but I will certainly think of her. Bah Humbug!

 

It's also going to be my birthday on the 30th. IF I do get a text/email from her wishing me happy birthday should I reply with a simple 'thank you ' or just ignore it? Part of me thinks it's mature to say thank you and leave it at that but part of me thinks I shouldn't bother to reply because she hasn't bothered to get in contact with me ONCE since she broke up with me. Although I'm not getting my hopes up if she'll say anything at all. Any idea guys?

 

Morning Aviator-I would ignore it if she does text, have it in your mind that she really wont anyway. If you reply its just opening the door again for you-to wait for a "how was your day" etc etc, or what if she ignores your reply, you'll be back to day one again or near enough. Youve done brilliantly so be nc for so long. I am totally envious of your trip to Italy i havent been and its my next place on my list to go. Have a brilliant time.

 

I just want to back up what sleepy said. If she contacts you on your birthday, do not reply. It will simply be her wishing you well on your birthday. If she does this it'll be because she still cares about you and birthdays are an easy way for a dumper to remind you that they don't hate you just because they broke up with you. On a secondary note, it's also a way for them to ease their conscience and guilt a little. I'm sure the message will also come across as the type of message that doesn't even warrant a reply such as "Happy Birthday! Hope you have a nice day!". It's not asking for anything and is one of those simple "send & forget" messages. So easy for them to send this kind of thing and its so easy to read them in different ways.

 

Even if the message comes with a question, such as "Happy Birthday! Are you having a good day?" I would still ignore it. Even though it's looking for an answer, the likely reason for asking is it's fishing for a plesant reply which goes even further to sooth their conscience and guilt. Replying would likely get you nothing in return and that has the potential to hurt you. Remember it's you who's healing from this break up and you need to look after yourself, not your dumpers conscience! It's not worth risking your state of mind for them now that you're single.

 

Ignoring a message like this may cause your ex to send a follow up text as to why you haven't text. In the event of this outcome, if it were me, I would reply to this one saying "Please can you stop sending me messages? I'm not saying this to be spiteful, I'm still in the healing phase and having strictly no contact with you is what's helping me to move forward. If you truly still care for me like you say you did when you broke up with me, you'll respect my wish and not contact me again." You can obviously put it into your own words but make sure the message doesn't include a reply to any of the messages your ex sent. It's a polite way to stop them sending further messages that risk your state of mind.

 

If you decide to go with this preparation then once you have absorbed the above, try to forget about it and concentrate on thinking "She won't message me on my birthday" because it's very likely you won't get a message. You don't want to be expecting a message and be disappointed if one doesn't arrive. Nothing wrong with being prepared but prepare for the worst.

 

If by some miricle you achieved indifference to your ex by your birthday then you can reply whatever you like because it won't matter to YOU! I would say though that even if you think you have achieved indifference by then, I would still not reply just incase you haven't actually got there and it re-opens old wounds. Besides, when you have truly achieved indifference, you more than likely won't want to reply.

 

Again like sleepy said, you've done a great job with holding NC for so long and you don't want to ruin the hard work you've already put in. Focus on this trip to Italy and have yourself an amazing time! Get some photo's up on here when you get back too!

Edited July 18, 2011 by The_Good_Me
Just wanted to add a potential "what if"... as much as we all hate them!