Bit of a set back to healing :(

[The_Good_Me]

Hey Aviator, welcome back mate! I'm glad you had a good time abroad!

 

I've been pretty down for a while now and it still feels like there isn't any light at the end of the tunnel. Really don't know if I'll ever get over this. I'm nearly at 5 months NC or just into it. I've sorta given up counting but I think I was roughly a month and a bit behind you.

 

It's really nice to hear you had a civil and touching meeting with your ex's parents. The way they reacted shows that they thought you were a good bloke and they approved of you! At the very least you can be proud of that mate I really don't know what my ex's parents would do if they saw me now. Probably cross the street and do whatever they can to avoid me most likely. Chance of me seeing them again are extremely low though!

 

It is a sad waste of a relationship mate and I really feel for you! You're a sound guy and guys like you end up happy! Just a matter of time buddy!

 

Looking forward to reading your "6 months later" post

[The Aviator]

Thanks mate. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? I'd like to think so...for the both of us.

 

I've achieved an incredible amount this year...driving through Europe, flying upside down over the Arizona deserts, learning to fly a glider solo, joining the gym and becoming a new hopeful manager in my company and yet all this just seems meaningless and I still do have an great sense of unhappiness in my life since she left. I've made contact with some other girls to try and get them out on dates etc but they all just drift away and I never really hear from them again. So i've got absolutely no one on the horizon at the moment!

 

I just say to myself 'just strap yourself in and prepare yourself for the ride'. We're in this for the long haul and it's just ourselves. Keep living each day not knowing what the next has in store. I just keep thinking that one day my big break will come! Yours will too mate. We're both still in early stages. (Although I want that day to come like...right now haha)

[The_Good_Me]

You have achieved a lot mate and you'll end up a good catch for a lucky lady

 

It's good that you've met some girls man even if these ones have drifted away. At least you're meeting people and if you keep that up you'll meet someone to have a proper go with.

 

You have the right attitude mate so keep it up and it'll work out for you

[The Aviator]

Hey mate,

 

 

Sorry still haven't got around to starting that thread yet! Just thought i'd ask how you've been the last few weeks as annoyingly you cannot seem to post private messages on here!

 

Just read your first thread that you posted about asking for the explanation. It's so unreal how similar our situations are! I never got an explanation too which makes it all the more harder after being together for 3 years and knowing eachother for about 4!

 

Anyway, hope you're keeping alright!

[The_Good_Me]

Hey matey

 

Thanks for asking after me bud. I think when you become an "established member" you can post private messages but I don't even know how I became one. This is the first forum I've ever been apart of so I don't get how they work. I'm guessing after a certain number of posts?

 

You're right mate, when they don't give an explanation it hurts so much. These people supposedly cared about us but having said that, there are so many sides to it. Maybe the real reason is so terrible that they think it's best to come up with something to "spare our feelings". Maybe it's so horrible that they're too cowardly to tell us the truth. They could actually be totally confused themselves and not know the true reason themselves. I've hear that some people can just wake up and bam, they're no longer in love with you without knowing why.

 

It's horrible not knowing because all you can do is guess and as the mind can be a truly dark place, it usually paints the worst pictures. Sometimes I envy the people that do get told the reason for the break up as I think at least then I'd know what I was dealing with and I wouldn't have to think up so many different terrible scenarios in my head. Other times I think I'm lucky as I don't know how I'd deal with the truth and maybe it's just better I don't know. Either way it's full of pain and there probably isn't a better way.

 

I have heard that it is quite common to get an explanation down the line at some point (usually a few years later) but like everything else, I don't expect it. My ex is a coward and I'm certain if she saw me, she'd run a mile even though she has no reason too.

 

As far as my current state of mind goes, I'm still going through a lot of pain and seem to have hit a plateau(sp). I've cried every weekend for the past month now. I always knew it was over but maybe now that it's been 6 months since the BU, it's just hitting home again. I'm thinking about her more and more, I miss her so much and I wish so hard that things were different.

 

Pretty much hate my life at the moment and just wish it were over I can't ever see me getting over this. She means the world to me and now she's probably with someone else feeling the same way about them as I feel about her. How did it come to this?

 

How have you been recently mate? I was really impressed to see you've been at least trying to move on with other girls. How's that going for you now buddy? Any new lucky lady in your life?

 

Thanks so much again for getting in touch. You're a good man

[The Aviator]

Oh, maybe you have to send a certain number of posts before it enables it? Weird...

 

 

That's alright mate. Obv I find some comfort in the fact someone is going through exactly what I am in a situation that is almost identical, apart from the time spent together. Ok I was only 3 years and knew her for about 4 but that is still a heck of a lot of time to know somebody and settle down. Being the 'first' for a lot of things too does not help. As the saying goes 'You broke up for a reason'...well I don't know what that reason is and probably never will. That actually p*sses me off! lol

 

I cannot believe it's going to be 8 months by the end of November. I look back and realised i've experienced more this year than any other in my life. Mainly because I just force myself to keep busy. Definately the most 'eventful' year of my life so to put it- and also probably the most painful I have ever experienced. Strange how my parents divorcing when I was 10 and my grandad passing away last year have nowhere near the same effect emotionally as my girlfriend leaving me did? I guess it's a different kind of love. Even after looking forward to an event and the holidays i've had I still come back home to my same bed and think 'Well...That still hasn't really helped'. I'm still not feeling happy happy in my life at the moment.

 

I still think about her all the time. Mainly when I'm not busy at work or by myself. I get moments of deep sadness occasionally and also the odd stint of hurt/pain especially when I think about the sexual side of the relationship that I no longer have. I admit too that I do shed the odd tear usually when I hear a song or read something. I think it's such a shame this has happened. I honestly didn't think I deserved it. I sort of say to myself that i'm going to make her regret her decision one day. One day...could be years from now. When I know I will have a beautiful girl in my life...heck even a wife! Who know's I might of even forgotten all about her by then! I'm still only 21 and everyone says i'm young but I still feel she is 'The One'.

 

As for other girls mate...nope, i've got absolutely nobody on the horizon! I don't try and dwell on it too much. I just want to improve myself and hopefully somebody will come along without me even realising. I think the biggest thing I miss is the sex along with things like cuddling up on the sofa watching TV or going for a drive...or even just having somebody to impress.

 

I keep going to nightclubs with mates thinking I might pull somebody but I never do. Signed up to that Plenty of Fish site too but that seems like just a waste of time!

 

I know how you're feeling mate when you say you hate your life. Sometimes it seems that there is just not much point in going on. Just strap yourself in and ride it out. As that line in the movie Cast Away goes 'Got to keep breathing for tomorrow the sun will rise...who know's what the tide could bring'. Here's a video that was posted on this site a little while back that I found quite inspirational. I've just gone and bought his book:

[The_Good_Me]

I know what you mean mate. I find the same comfort when I see other people going through the same thing. It's weird but I guess it helps to know that this stuff happens and we're not alone. I think I know the reason to my break up but as she hasn't told me, I can never be certain and that upsets me too.

 

You've done amazingly well this year to keep yourself occupied! You're off on some crazy adventure every 5 minutes it seems hehe. You should be very proud that you did them as I don't think I would have gone anywhere. I'm letting my depressed state get the better of me so well done for not letting it get the better of you!

 

You are still young at 21 and I don't mean that in a patronising way as by the time I was 21 I had been with my ex for 3 years also and I know how I felt at that time. It's not like kids thinking they're in love, it's two adults actually being in love. The bonus you have of being young is you still have a lot of life to live and a lot of time to find a nice girl. You also now get to experience your 20's as either a single lad having fun with lots of girls, or you can keep looking / waiting for that next special person in your life. I'm 29 at the end of this month, my 20's are all but gone and at this point in my life, my faith in relationships is gone. I read that it takes 6 months for every year you were together to truly get over someone... so that gives me a nice 5 year run by which time I'll be nearly 34. Even then I don't think I'll ever get the trust back even if I do manage to get over the love of my life. If an opportunity were to present itself to me, I'd turn it down.

 

I've met a few new girls that I have become friends with and this is the first time in my life where I've actually had mates that are girls. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with any of them and they aren't with me, at least I'm not getting any vibes that say otherwise. Having girls to simply talk too is nice as that's the part I miss the most about my ex. I miss talking to her most of all and all the little things like you say, cuddling on the sofa etc. I miss the sex too but that's the last thing I miss really. It hurts to think of her being intimate with someone else but it hurts more to think that she'll say the words "I love you" to another. It breaks my heart everytime I even think of it. It breaks my heart just as much to think that she'll come home from work and talk to a new guy she loves about work... it's something so small and simple but I wish it were me!

 

Keep going out mate and keep improving yourself! You really do have the right attitude at the moment and it will pay off. It's good to hear you say things like you'll have a beautiful new girl one day and perhaps she'll be your wife! There is a future there for you for sure and like you say, who knows what the tide might bring.

 

I on the other hand no longer go out. I go to work and then I go home to my empty apartment where I do nothing in particular until I go to sleep. I have work colleagues in the area but I'm not really in with their group of friends. My qualifications are worth nothing these days so I can't really change the job that I hate and since the break up I have no drive to learn a new skill, no drive to go back to education, no drive to get out there and do anything. I really do feel like my life is over at 28 years old as I don't see the point in putting myself out there just to get **** on again. I've given up and in the long run, it's the best choice for me as I can't go through the disappointment & pain again!

 

I'm sorry I have such a negative look on life at the moment! Let this remind you again that you really are taking the right attitude... you don't want to think like me that's for sure!!

 

I just watched that video you posted. What a truly amazing person he is! I don't have a millionth of the courage he has!! I wish I could have his outlook and attitude towards life. It takes a very special person to become like him and I know I'm not that sort of guy! I've always been a defeatist, glass is half empty kind of person and I don't see it changing... I don't feel I have any reason to change as nothing in my life has gone well so far... I'm done with trying to be a normal guy when I'm destined to be a loser.

[The Aviator]

You ain't no loser mate. Believe it or not I think at your age you are still pretty young! You are still in your twenties with decades ahead of you.

 

What I found out after I split up was that sitting around moping was not healthy and not making me feel very good. Both physically and emotionally. I'd spend hours just on my bed on my laptop reading up on relationship advice and how to win your ex back. I went NC because of the advice of these websites saying it will get her back....that's yet to work! haha

 

I decided to improve my image. When I now go out and buy something and treat myself I feel good and when I dress up I feel good. My recent (temporary!) promotion to a manager at work has enabled me to earn some more money for my flying and go to work looking smart. Bumped into the ex's aunt up town in my shirt and tie the other day. Thought to myself 'HAVE THAT!' as we exchanged very small talk. Look what your niece is missing out on. Would your ex want to see you now if she just so happened to walk back into your life? This is a perfect opportunity to get up from the rut that you are in and say 'Stuff this and Stuff her! I deserve better!' Put some effort into improving your life and results will eventually show...some almost immediately

 

I keep thinking that by constantly improving myself and my image that word will get out to her and she can see what she's missing as i'll be perfectly honest I do still pine for her, miss her dearly and still want her back in my life.

 

My best advice to you is to go out and buy yourself some new threads. Shirt, Trousers etc. Take up a small course to boost your qualifications and your CV. Maybe even take up cooking if you already haven't done so. Maybe even take yourself away from your apartment and job and book a flight somewhere for a couple of days? With yourself or anyone else just for a change of scenery. I know I get very miserble being in the same place for too long!

 

Admire yourself and convince yourself that you will attract somebody else some day. Good things come to those who wait! I had to wait until I was 17 till I had my first girlfriend (the ex) whilst most of my mates were courting from the ages of 14- puppy love.

 

Also, (inspired by the movie 'Yes Man') was to literally say yes to every event or opportunity that arose. From going to a music festival to doing that road trip and now i'm off to see Tinie Tempah this Thursday (stuff I know I wouldn't have done if I had still been with here). Force yourself, however down-hearted you may be, to say yes to something. You'll be surprised! Even if it ment for me sitting with my Nan for a couple of hours! I think socialising is very important, if not, the most important thing you can do when you are getting over a break-up or the loss of someone.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still not over this. Nowhere near. I'd bargain on another year or so at least. Just got to take each day as it comes and whatever comes with it.

[The_Good_Me]

I hope I don't have decades in front of me decades of being alone isn't a nice thought!

 

wow, we handled our break up in a very similar way! I too spent hours reading up on how to get her back. During this time I convinced myself that I was bad for my ex and she was better off without me. I wrote her the letter and went NC to honour what I said (basically to let her go). I of course hoped she would come back while at the same time realising that, that wasn't going to happen. Soul destroying!

 

I've tried improving myself in my image but it's all for nothing. I have a different hair style now, I go running and work out but at the end of the day, I have absolutely no chance of bumping into anyone that knows her. We don't live in the same city and I don't go anywhere to bump into anyone even if we did. Pointless.

 

I sincerely hope it works out for you. Even if you don't get your ex, you'll certainly attract a new, better lady for yourself.

 

Thanks for the advice man but I don't have the money to spend on courses and even if I did, I literally have no drive to accomplish anything. It'd just be a waste of money as I wouldn't do anything. I'm a terrible cook hehe, I tried cooking a simple cottage pie tonight following simple instructions. I couldn't even get that right. Can't afford a holiday mate, can barely afford to live.

 

They'll be no convincing myself I'm worth anything to anyone. Truth is I don't even want to attract another girl. Even the thought of kissing someone else makes me feel sick! I wouldn't be able to trust a new girl so there's just no point!

 

I don't get opportunities to do stuff on a regular basis. I have no family around me and I don't wish to see them after the way they treated me during the break up. My sister's wedding is next year and I'm considering not going. My sister hasn't once tried to get in touch with me to see how I am. Her brother goes through the most painful experience of his life and not one phone call. My "dad" just gets angry at me and my "mum" likes to live in her dream world thinking everything's fine... There's no support from any of them. I don't have any friends, just work colleagues I rarely see out of work. My nights are spent alone thinking of what I lost and what someone else enjoys now.

 

It's nice that you're trying for me but I'm a lost cause and just wish I had the courage to end my life. I'm sick of being here, feeling this way, thinking what I think. Hopefully it's just a matter of time before I finally get the balls to escape this torture.

[The Aviator]

All i can say mate is...Just hang in there buddy! Keep living and breathing.

 

I've just had an absoulely awful day at work dealing with customers and one fellow colleauge who is putting a grievance in against me for something stupid. He's acted like a right jerk because he's going by the book. I got quite worried and concerned that I could suddenly be put on a code of conduct or be disciplined by my seniors but then I suddenly realised 'Hey...i've just been through 7 months of absolutely the worst pain and the worst thing that could happen to anyone...this is absolutely insignificant...let the tosser put a grievance complaint against me! He's nobody.' Oops just wanted to vent.

 

A good thing is that we've both been kicked down so damn hard and put through something I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through...every other little problem now just seems insignificant (to me anyway) I just dont care it seems! Ah people and ex's can be such asses lol

[The_Good_Me]

This guy at your work sounds like a small petty man. You're right to realise he is insignificant. Too bad he couldn't have settled it by talking with you as I know you to be a reasonable guy. If you stepped out of line I'm sure you'd apologise. It's rare to hear of people taking things that far these days. Like you say though, this is nothing compared to what you're going through right now.

 

You're right about people being asses mate. So many of them out there