I'm back again... talk some sense into me.

[bananarama]

Hi guys, I'm back..... and I'm still being dumb. I'm really not sure what the point of this post is or what I'm looking for. Partly to sort out my thoughts, and partly to hear any experience or advice anyone might have. Beat me up if you must, maybe it will knock some sense into me.

 

Backstory:

 

In a serious relationship for 7 years. Went on a business trip, started hanging out with a guy I knew previously (we don't work together, just happened to be attending the same event.)

 

He is also in a serious relationship.

 

When we were leaving to come back home (we live in the same city) agreed that things would "go back to normal," we'd be friends and never speak about our time together again.

 

Since then I've been thinking about fixing my relationship (pretty sure it is possible) but have been spending more time avoiding the problems.

 

OM and I talk at least 5-6 days a week online. NO flirting or anything out of line. It is very comparable to my other M/F friendships, and friendships I have with ex-bfs. But at the same time, he never mentions his gf to me and I never mention my bf so that does seem a little strange. We have "inside jokes" and frequent references to past conversations. Is this an EA?

 

I do think it is partly out of boredom at work and just the fact that he is a big communicator with everyone he meets. He almost always messages me first, but I sit around all day waiting for him to start a chat, wondering if he will, feeling bad if I think he won't (but he almost always does.)

 

Why does it matter to me so much?

 

I don't want us to be together, honest in my heart. I want us to stay friends --- we have a lot in common, it benefits both of us professionally, and we have fun and challenging conversations.

 

But yet some part of me is jealous of the conversations I see happening on social media, jealous of the mentions of his gf, hell even jealous of outings with his brothers and sister and friends. What is wrong with me --- why does this bother me?

 

I want to move past all the things that trouble me about him/our friendship. I want to stop being so OBSESSED with him. I just can't/don't know how outside of ditching him completely. Not only will that be hard but will be impossible to do completely. We HAVE to be in contact somewhat because of our work. There is an event coming at the end of August and there will be no way for me to avoid talking to him at that event.

 

This whole thing has had me seriously thinking that is wrong with me -- do I have an addictive personality? Unhealthy obsession? Maybe I am just looking for something to blame for all of this. Maybe I am just bored and somehow my focus has fallen onto this? Would more hobbies and activities help?

 

I KNOW rationally that this this situation is bringing more misery into my life than enjoyment. It is slowing the repair of my relationship. I KNOW that the only solution is for me to stop - cut him out and deal with the professional problems later, but I can't accept it and can't stop holding out hope for me to be able to have a regular friendship with this guy.

 

For the love of god please someone talk some sense into me.

[Spark1111]

For the LOVE OF GOD, what are you doing????

 

Of course it is becoming an EA for you!

 

Can't stop thinking of him. Obssessing over when he contacts you or doesn't. Jealous of his other relationships. Never mention your SO to him; keeping SECRET your relationship from your partner.

 

You are smarter than that! This has no forseeable future. You want more than friends.

 

As long as you are investing all this emotional energy into it, you CANNOT do the work to strengthen your marriage.

 

Really want to end it? Tell your partner about all your chats, emails, and obsession with this other man. That should do it.

[woinlove]

You keep saying (from your earlier posts too) that you want to be with your SO, but your actions are saying otherwise. I'll take you at your word that you want to be with your SO and provide advice with that assumption.

 

Sounds like you are taking your R for granted, not making the effort to keep reconnecting, keep discovering together, and making sure your needs for intimacy and romantic connection are satisfied with each other. So much easier to fill this need with someone new as for a while you can keep going on just the fumes of fantasy and infatuation.

 

I would suggest being completely open and honest with your SO. From all that you have done, that may mean the end of your R with him. But I doubt your needs can be met unless you allow your SO to know the real you. Maybe some have managed to restore excitement and deep connection in their R while still withholding the truth, but, frankly, I don't recall hearing of any such examples. They may hold it together for another year or so, and then the same old patterns -- which thrive on secrecy and deception -- reemerge and you are right back where you started from. Stuck I think is how you described it last time. Be completely open and honest, and I guarantee you that you will no longer be stuck. However, I can't guarantee that your R will survive. But I do think honesty is likely your only hope for building a truly, fulfilling, long term R.

[TurboGirl]

You are in a serious relationship...? not married, I take it.

 

Married or not married, even it you were totally single, NOT with a guy.

 

This entire "relationship" "friendship" whatever you call it is a bad idea. BAD IDEA. You know this guy professionally (bad mix) and you are already obsessing about what he is doing/going/saying and who with. Uh Oh.

 

Sounds like you are bored in your "serious relationship" and are becoming addicted to this other guy and the positive happy feelings he gives you when you talk with him. This is a fantasy relationship, not real life.

 

This calls for self restraint... stop the chatter unless it is strictly for business and work on your "serious relationship" or not... this guy is taken and not up for grabs, so it seems.

[Spark1111]

You are in a serious relationship...? not married, I take it.

 

Married or not married, even it you were totally single, NOT with a guy.

 

This entire "relationship" "friendship" whatever you call it is a bad idea. BAD IDEA. You know this guy professionally (bad mix) and you are already obsessing about what he is doing/going/saying and who with. Uh Oh.

 

Sounds like you are bored in your "serious relationship" and are becoming addicted to this other guy and the positive happy feelings he gives you when you talk with him. This is a fantasy relationship, not real life.

 

This calls for self restraint... stop the chatter unless it is strictly for business and work on your "serious relationship" or not... this guy is taken and not up for grabs, so it seems.

 

Great advice!

 

This could become professional suicide for you or he. What is the company policy? Check it out.

 

Make other friends who are witty and fun. Introduce them to your SO.

 

Friends HAVE to be a friend to your relationship, which means....known and accepted by your partner!

 

That is the first boundary couples enact in a serious relationship.

[bananarama]

Thank you both.... this helps, it really really does.

 

I don't quite know how to explain what i'm about to say so bear with me.

 

I honestly don't want to be with him in a relationship. We wouldn't get along. We are in different places in our lives and I am not interested in changing.

 

I do wonder if I am into this because it is a boost to my ego/self esteem/confidence.

 

The only part that doesn't make sense is that my confidence and self esteem are great. Or at least I feel like they are?

 

Maybe there are a few not-so-nice things about myself I need to accept, deal with and change.

 

If you have any ideas or experiences please share....

[bananarama]

You are in a serious relationship...? not married, I take it.

 

Married or not married, even it you were totally single, NOT with a guy.

 

This entire "relationship" "friendship" whatever you call it is a bad idea. BAD IDEA. You know this guy professionally (bad mix) and you are already obsessing about what he is doing/going/saying and who with. Uh Oh.

 

Sounds like you are bored in your "serious relationship" and are becoming addicted to this other guy and the positive happy feelings he gives you when you talk with him. This is a fantasy relationship, not real life.

 

This calls for self restraint... stop the chatter unless it is strictly for business and work on your "serious relationship" or not... this guy is taken and not up for grabs, so it seems.

 

 

This is a really great perspective. Thank you.

[Spark1111]

Thank you both.... this helps, it really really does.

 

I don't quite know how to explain what i'm about to say so bear with me.

 

I honestly don't want to be with him in a relationship. We wouldn't get along. We are in different places in our lives and I am not interested in changing.

 

I do wonder if I am into this because it is a boost to my ego/self esteem/confidence.

 

The only part that doesn't make sense is that my confidence and self esteem are great. Or at least I feel like they are?

 

In a nutshell and representing thousands of dollars of IC and MC.....identify HOW this man makes you feel and WHY.

 

Then find ways to give it yourself! Create the feelings within you and your own life. Only then will you be able to give it to your relationship.

 

In MC we discovered it wasn't what he wasn't GETTING from our relationship; he learned it was what he wasn't GIVING to the relationship that bored him.

[bananarama]

You are in a serious relationship...? not married, I take it.

 

Married or not married, even it you were totally single, NOT with a guy.

 

This entire "relationship" "friendship" whatever you call it is a bad idea. BAD IDEA. You know this guy professionally (bad mix) and you are already obsessing about what he is doing/going/saying and who with. Uh Oh.

 

Sounds like you are bored in your "serious relationship" and are becoming addicted to this other guy and the positive happy feelings he gives you when you talk with him. This is a fantasy relationship, not real life.

 

This calls for self restraint... stop the chatter unless it is strictly for business and work on your "serious relationship" or not... this guy is taken and not up for grabs, so it seems.

 

 

The part that I put in bold struck something in me.

 

If this guy was up for grabs I wouldn't be doing this. If he was single, then this could potentially turn into him pursuing me for a relationship which I would not want.

 

The fact that he is in a relationship takes the threat of that away.

 

Looking at my other friendships with men, I keep single men very much on the outside. I don't want them to to be interested in me because I hate being put in the situation of dealing with turning them down. I have lost good friends over that.

 

So the really messed up part is that I don't want to hurt single guys but I don't feel bad about potentially messing things up for this taken guy.

 

WTH!!??

[whichwayisup]

You're not thinking straight but know deep down this is wrong and has to end. Now.

 

You're addicted to how he makes you feel, you don't love him, you're in LUST with him and that drama/intensity that comes out is what feeds your ego, makes you feel good. It's not really "him", as a person, but it's chemical and animalistic attraction.

 

Just stop. You won't die if you end it. You may hurt, be sad, miss all of how he made you feel but you will be fine. Be strong and quit him like a bad habit, that's what he is, a bad habit.

[MissBee]

I want to move past all the things that trouble me about him/our friendship. I want to stop being so OBSESSED with him. I just can't/don't know how outside of ditching him completely. Not only will that be hard but will be impossible to do completely. We HAVE to be in contact somewhat because of our work. There is an event coming at the end of August and there will be no way for me to avoid talking to him at that event.

 

That's the only solution Banana. As much as it sees daunting, sometimes it has to be all or nothing.

 

I have been there done that with the friend card...trying to situate some precarious friendship with an ex or someone I currently like, especially those that never started as friendships to begin with (like yours). They ALL came to a breaking point where either they stopped talking to me or vice-versa because there was just no way to do it.

 

He is not your bestfriend, you haven't known him that long, you admit to being bored, admit it causes you misery, admit it inhibits you working on your relationship....is this so called "friendship" really worth it? Is it really that he is such a great "friend" that you would go through ALL that for him? No he's not...life will continue and be fine without him as your "friend". If you're meant to be friends, then leaving him alone and waiting until you are more stable for the friendship to resume is best. But chances are, you won't even care to chase the so-called friendship then and you'll be like WTF we weren't really good friends at all!

 

Tell him you need to work on your relationship and that in order to do so you can't talk to him like that anymore. Stop talking to him 5-6 times a week. Leave any talk for BUSINESS only. Find some other online hobby to take up your time.

Do you really want to work on your primary relationship btw? If you do....you should dive into that. If not...you need to do something about that too.

 

You seem bored and dissatisfied overall....maybe this obsession with this man and lack of interest in your man is a symptom of that. Maybe you should take some time to explore reconnecting with yourself, reawaken your passion, find out where you want to be romantically and otherwise and that will perhaps help with this situation.

Edited July 11, 2011 by MissBee

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am not saying this with the intention to be harsh - but you're just being a cake eater. In your case, it's not sex per se that is the "cake." It's the strokes, the "forbidden" aspect, the cheapish thrills (when you are absolutely missing thrills of any kind in your relationship) that keep you involved in this.

 

It's really very simple and you know it. You need to stop communicating with the guy.

 

You even mentioned in your other thread that he does NOT want to keep hearing from you.

 

It's a dangerous little game you are playing and you have little investment in it no matter how good it makes you feel, so since it is troubling to you JUST STOP IT. It will take some self discipline.

 

Maybe your relationship has run its course, but that is a completely different issue and whatever happens there does not justify this rather silly dalliance you're indulging in.

[fooled once]

For the LOVE OF GOD, what are you doing????

 

Of course it is becoming an EA for you!

 

Can't stop thinking of him. Obssessing over when he contacts you or doesn't. Jealous of his other relationships. Never mention your SO to him; keeping SECRET your relationship from your partner.

 

You are smarter than that! This has no forseeable future. You want more than friends.

 

As long as you are investing all this emotional energy into it, you CANNOT do the work to strengthen your marriage.

 

Really want to end it? Tell your partner about all your chats, emails, and obsession with this other man. That should do it.

 

Yep. And stop answering his messages - concentrate on WORK, not him. Remove yourself from your work area - go work in a conference room or someplace other than your desk. STOP clinging to him.

 

You are in a serious relationship...? not married, I take it.

 

Married or not married, even it you were totally single, NOT with a guy.

 

This entire "relationship" "friendship" whatever you call it is a bad idea. BAD IDEA. You know this guy professionally (bad mix) and you are already obsessing about what he is doing/going/saying and who with. Uh Oh.

 

Sounds like you are bored in your "serious relationship" and are becoming addicted to this other guy and the positive happy feelings he gives you when you talk with him. This is a fantasy relationship, not real life.

 

This calls for self restraint... stop the chatter unless it is strictly for business and work on your "serious relationship" or not... this guy is taken and not up for grabs, so it seems.

 

Yep. It calls for self control.

 

I am not saying this with the intention to be harsh - but you're just being a cake eater. In your case, it's not sex per se that is the "cake." It's the strokes, the "forbidden" aspect, the cheapish thrills (when you are absolutely missing thrills of any kind in your relationship) that keep you involved in this.

 

It's really very simple and you know it. You need to stop communicating with the guy.

 

You even mentioned in your other thread that he does NOT want to keep hearing from you.

 

It's a dangerous little game you are playing and you have little investment in it no matter how good it makes you feel, so since it is troubling to you JUST STOP IT. It will take some self discipline.

 

Maybe your relationship has run its course, but that is a completely different issue and whatever happens there does not justify this rather silly dalliance you're indulging in.

 

I really agree. I definitely agree with the cake eater comment. She loves the ego stroke this guy gives her.

[bananarama]

You're not thinking straight but know deep down this is wrong and has to end. Now.

 

You're addicted to how he makes you feel, you don't love him, you're in LUST with him and that drama/intensity that comes out is what feeds your ego, makes you feel good. It's not really "him", as a person, but it's chemical and animalistic attraction.

 

Just stop. You won't die if you end it. You may hurt, be sad, miss all of how he made you feel but you will be fine. Be strong and quit him like a bad habit, that's what he is, a bad habit.

 

 

Thanks for this... yes a bad habit that does more harm than good. I will definitely remember that.

[bananarama]

I am not saying this with the intention to be harsh - but you're just being a cake eater. In your case, it's not sex per se that is the "cake." It's the strokes, the "forbidden" aspect, the cheapish thrills (when you are absolutely missing thrills of any kind in your relationship) that keep you involved in this.

 

It's really very simple and you know it. You need to stop communicating with the guy.

 

You even mentioned in your other thread that he does NOT want to keep hearing from you.

 

It's a dangerous little game you are playing and you have little investment in it no matter how good it makes you feel, so since it is troubling to you JUST STOP IT. It will take some self discipline.

 

Maybe your relationship has run its course, but that is a completely different issue and whatever happens there does not justify this rather silly dalliance you're indulging in.

 

Yeah... I agree with the cake eater, and that I need to stop the communication. It is definitely something I will work to fix.

 

My comment about him not wanting to hear from me was wrong. He seeks me out almost every time, but I will put a stop to that.

 

It is making me miserable, it's not worth it and I need to stop.

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone who have stopped to comment so far. It really is helping pull me out of this ridiculous situation I insist on putting myself in, and it is helping me improve myself and my situation.

Edited July 12, 2011 by bananarama

[Mme. Chaucer]

I need to stop the communication. It is definitely something I will work to fix.

 

 

 

Well, you aren't going to stop communication by "trying" to stop. You have to just stop.

 

I was a drug and alcohol rehab counsellor for a time. A man who I worked with used to put a glass of water on a table, and then tell a resident to "try" to pick it up. It illustrated the reality of the situation nicely.

 

In the immortal words of Yoda:

 

“Do or do not... there is no try"

 

So, if you're not willing to give it up, there is not much to discuss with you.

[bananarama]

Well, you aren't going to stop communication by "trying" to stop. You have to just stop.

 

I was a drug and alcohol rehab counsellor for a time. A man who I worked with used to put a glass of water on a table, and then tell a resident to "try" to pick it up. It illustrated the reality of the situation nicely.

 

In the immortal words of Yoda:

 

“Do or do not... there is no try"

 

So, if you're not willing to give it up, there is not much to discuss with you.

 

 

Ehhh I wasn't really clear, but at the same time nowhere in my post did I say anything about "trying." Even just stopping like you say is going to take work.

 

Funny that you focus on a word I didn't say, when there are three instances of me agreeing explicitly about stopping.

 

But at the same time, I guess I didn't explicitly way "I will stop" either, so there ya go.

[spice4life]

Yeah... I agree with the cake eater, and that I need to stop the communication. It is definitely something I will work to fix.

 

My comment about him not wanting to hear from me was wrong. He seeks me out almost every time, but I will put a stop to that.

 

It is making me miserable, it's not worth it and I need to stop.

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone who have stopped to comment so far. It really is helping pull me out of this ridiculous situation I insist on putting myself in, and it is helping me improve myself and my situation.

 

I actually think you are in a good position to stop because it's only a flirtation and not love. There are many of us here who feel in love and it's hurt 1,000 times more when we realized we had to stop. When love is involved the pain is really excrutiating, so consider yourself lucky and stop now while you can. You can feel better in no time if you let yourself do what you need to do. Good luck.

[bananarama]

I actually think you are in a good position to stop because it's only a flirtation and not love. There are many of us here who feel in love and it's hurt 1,000 times more when we realized we had to stop. When love is involved the pain is really excrutiating, so consider yourself lucky and stop now while you can. You can feel better in no time if you let yourself do what you need to do. Good luck.

 

Yes, yes another very good point. I hadn't thought about this. Thank you for your post, I hope you find your way through your troubles.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Ehhh I wasn't really clear, but at the same time nowhere in my post did I say anything about "trying." Even just stopping like you say is going to take work.

 

Funny that you focus on a word I didn't say, when there are three instances of me agreeing explicitly about stopping.

 

But at the same time, I guess I didn't explicitly way "I will stop" either, so there ya go.

 

Your exact words:

I need to stop the communication. It is definitely something I will work to fix.

 

Maybe I mistakenly equated "working to stop" with "trying to stop," but in any case, neither option is the same as simply and absolutely STOPPING.

 

I take your choice of words to mean that you still wish to retain the option to carry on; that you want it to be open ended.

[Silly_Girl]

If this guy was up for grabs I wouldn't be doing this. If he was single, then this could potentially turn into him pursuing me for a relationship which I would not want.

 

The fact that he is in a relationship takes the threat of that away.

 

 

Ah, the 'safety' of an affair.

 

In 6 months time where do you think you will be, with this guy? If you don't make a change, how will the land lie, do you think?

[JustJoe]

Excuse me, but did you say whether your SO knows about the Om or not?