wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Today's topic... Personal Boundaries ----------------------------------- Your boundary is what gives you preferences and budgets your resources. It gives you your identity by having preferences (self identity). If you do not know who you are? How is someone else suppose to know who you are. Imagine that you are this big circle on a piece of paper. This is what your personal boundary should look like. Right now its not. None of ours are because we have holes in it. Including myself. We need to fix the holes that our in our boundaries so that we can protect ourself from future stress/problems/failure and rejection. When we fix all the holes in our boundaries, then our true self identity shows. How do we do this you may ask? You have to start living in the present. Not in the future, not in the past. Take your life off auto pilot. Do you ever get to work after a long drive and do not remember the entire trip there? You daydream and wake up and say wow I did not realize I am already at work. You have to let go of what you do not control. You are responsible for your own personal boundary, your own self identity. You are not responsible for your ex's personal boundary, they are. We need to get out of the mindset of our ex because we do not control them, we only control ourselves. Right now we are all suffering. Suffering is the burning of emotional energy on what you do not control. Its when you look back at the past and say to yourself, I should have done this differently. We are wasting our energy on this every day and we should be using this energy on doing stuff in the present like, going to exercise, hanging out with friends, studying, work, whatever and we cant because we have no energy left to give because we are focused on the past. If we use the word "should" we are suffering. Practice Hearing No from others and saying No to others for things that violate your personal boundary You can't set a goal in someone elses boundary. Do not try, they have to set it themself Your personal boundary is a shield from stress, if you have a strong personal boundary then stress will bounce off you Edited July 11, 2011 by wilsonx Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks Wilson-great post-I know i definitley need to work on my personal boundries, self esteem, own happiness etc, am setting myself a goal over the next 3 months to do all I can to look after myself and sort my head out, learn, grow, heal, I have repeated the same patterns in pretty much all of my relationships, i have abandonment issues and even when things are bad in a relationship i cant leave then i get left and i fall to pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 I wanted to add more but I had to gtfo of my apartment and go run 5 miles.... So here's more... When you think about the past like I did the entire run and what happened and analyze it and think to yourself what should have been done, I'm wasting my emotional energy doing this. At first I started telling myself that It did not matter It did not matter it did not matter. That wasn't working because I was still focused on my ex when I was saying this. A better way to look at personal boundaries for yourself instead of pining over the past is to think "Who am I? Really who am I?" Start figuring out who you are. I know that I am Sir Wilson. I like rock music and I hate country music. I like chevys and hate dodge. I associate myself with people that have high morals. I associate myself with positive people. etc etc. And you keep building from there. You can think about stuff that you wanted to change about yourself in the past relationship and start filling the holes in your boundaries See how I am using my energy for myself instead of what I should have done? Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 these were excellent posts both of you, thanks for sharing your thoughts on these topics. I can sympathize and am working on the very same issues you both mentioned - personal boundaries, defining myself, saying 'no', not dwelling on the past, finding constructive and healthy ways to burn excess energy, fear of abandonment, the whole sheh-bang. one thing that comes to mind. healing is a process. i like the fact that you went running while you were thinking of your ex. your mind may simply need to continue to process the entire situation, from start to finish over and over, because it is trying to make sense and find closure. thinking about it over and over is probably a necessary thing, that's why we all do it so much, until we exhaust ourselves from it. to me it seems like this neurotic mulling over past events is an automatic built in human brain process that is beyond your control, as are your dreams. the neat thing is running 5 miles while you think about it. you are accomplishing something productive and burning off the 'negative / angry' energy that arises within you as your mind struggles to make sense of the ordeal you experienced with your ex. allowing yourself to think of your ex and process how it all went down has got to be a good thing if your running at the same time to release that angry/ frustrated hostile energy. you see that in the movies alot with broken hearted / angry atheletes (boxers like Rocky come to mind) who deal best with the madness of a crappy break up through strenous exercise. I have to think it's a good thing. Maybe it could be helpful to manage all the repetitive and bewildering thoughts by telling yourself: ok self - you can think about the horror of the experience all you want, but only during the 5 mile jog I am about to embark on. and then after that you have to put it away until tomorrow's jog. just a thought. i try to exhaust myself thinking about relationship problems while walking, riding a bike or swimming. sometimes by the end I am just too exhausted to give a damn about it anymore. at least for that day. thanks again for the boundaries posts, excellent stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Treble Clef Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is a good post, it gave me some stuff to think about. I wasn't brave enough to enforce several of my boundaries in the relationship, and spent most of the time beating myself up/feeling confused/resentful. As a result I don't think we really connected to each other in our time together. I wish I'd been a stronger person those 2 years ago. We'd have sorted out so much and I'd feel right with myself. Oh well, live and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
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