kit_kat68 Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Hi All. First Time Here so I will try and keep it brief. A month ago, boyfriend of four years sends an email, Feels we are growing apart & there is someone else who is more than just a friend. No sexual activity yet, just the feeling. We were going away for a romantic weekend, so he still wanted to go away and try to rekindle the love. Fast forward, we have talked about a lot of issues that we hadn't previously. We havn't agreed on things but at least they are in the open. We have lived together for over 3 years now, but after a month of gradually pulling away from me- not touching, no sex- he said he felt guilty. I asked him to try and come up with a decision. He still has feelings for the other girl and spends some time with her. But he says that he can see us in 20 years time together forever, but doesn't know what he wants now. As I was getting so upset, upsetting him, he has moved to a friends house for a little while for that dreaded space. We have defined ground rules about what will and will not happen in this space. Like no sex etc etc. He says he misses me and is doubting his decision.... But he has only been gone a week. I have not seen him yet, but we are still talking on the phone and email..... I know that if he can't decide now, then i am better off knowing now, but it is all so hard not to turn into a desperate blubbering mess. Any ideas or advice? Link to post Share on other sites
browneyedgirlie Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 I swear, I am going through the exact same thing that you are. My boyfriend came to me last weekend and said that he needed space. We have been living together, in fact just bought a house 6 months ago. I thought everything was going allright. I love him so much and didn't understand what was going on. He said that he loves me so much and he feels like he could be making the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up with me, so he wants time. I don't think that he should need time to decide if he wants to be with me either ya know. It's like giving him all of the power or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 There is no way in friggin hell that I'm gonna wait 20 years for someone while they have their cake and eat it too and then 20 years later, decide to come around. You need to give him an ultimatim ---- 'it's either her or me and if you want her, then I'm out'. You shouldn't let yourself be disrespected by him going off, having feelings for some other woman and spending time with her. One of my ex's tried that crap with me and I completely shut her out of my life! I'm better than that and so are you! ~V Link to post Share on other sites
Sahmee Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 My boyfriend did the same thing, told me he wasn't sure he wanted a younger woman or not, said he wasn't sure he loved me or not...needed time to make up his mind...well I told him that I cannot be with a man who was not sure he wanted to be with me, and I was not going to stay with a man who was not sure he loved me or not - that it goes against every principle in the book about how a relationship should be. It has been hard to move on. I am working on grief work now to get past this. I love this man so deeply, but I cannot break my beliefs just to hold out for the hope that he will decide to choose me and come back. I miss him like crazy, but I think I will be fine once I get past the hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 I can't even imagine having to wait around while someone you care about has to decide if they care enough about you to stick around or if he cares for someone else. He is either committed to your relationship or he isn't, there isn't much else to it. It appears that if he has feelings for someone else, that he is not as committed as he should be... so it might be best if you let him go. I would be scared more if he did come back, how do you know that in a few months or even a year later he isn't going to say I changed my mind and decided I really do care more for her than you? You don't deserve this at all, no one does. I hope it all works out for you. Best wishes for you~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author kit_kat68 Posted April 28, 2004 Author Share Posted April 28, 2004 Hey There Just thought I would give an update and get a double check..... Confronted the boyfriend two nights ago, after he got back from a camping weekend. I wanted to know whether he was having space to date another girl guilt free- which I was not ok with. Or whether he was trying to figure his **** out- in which case space was fine. Very difficult for me but fine. I told him that he needed to tell me the truth of what was going on so that I could make a decision for myself, not just sit around waiting. Anyway I was also asking him about what would be different in 20 years time which would make it ok? What did he need to get done etc etc. It turns out that there was nothing in particular which needed to be done- well not that I didn't know about anyway. The 20 years reference was more about seeing us together long term, not just as a short term thing. He said that he just wanted to make the past few months go away. That he never wanted to have got himself involved with the other girl because he thought he had done irrepable damage to our relationship... I also caught up with him the following night. We went out to dinner and talked some more about what was going on between us. He said that he had done a 180 degree turnaround. Where before he thought he was going down the path of the other girl- he now feels that he is turning back toward me. We are going to take things slow though. Not moving back in straight away. Just hanging out and dating for a while until we recover a little. Last night he rang me to tell me that he sent an email to the other girl. I said it was bad to email her, but that it was a good step.... Does anyone have any advice on how I should get my feelings/hurt out now so that it does not sabotage our relationship in the future? I want to get my angst out, but I also do not want to get too angry and frighten him away? Ideas.... Link to post Share on other sites
Sahmee Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Here is an update. I found out my now ex-boyfriend has been sleeping with a 25 year old immigrant without birthcontrol or other protection, and she might be pregnant. I found out that she is being deported back to her country. They have been supposedly seeing eachother for about a month, and he is in love with her. So I have to let go with love. When I confronted him on it, he said he was having doubts about her, and so I asked him why he gave up something good and promising for something that he is not even sure about. I asked him why he was settling for something he is not sure about. Of course, he could (or would) not give me an answer. My heart is broken, and I am ready to give up on all romantic relationships. I can't stop crying. But I am so angry and untrusting right now. I don't want to go out and see people - I just want to hide out and be left alone. I know its better that I know this already instead of later (before someone beats me to the punch here). How do I get past this and move on and begin to trust again. This was my best friend, and I am in love with the fool. Sahmee Link to post Share on other sites
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