Manu25 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Hi all, I feel angry for just writing the longest post I’ve ever written, just to have it slip through internet’s nasty fingers :-p but I’ll write it all over again, even if it’ll take me 2 ours again… (looking back, it took me 2,5 hours). The reason I’m here is because I’m still trying to get myself back together 10 months after breaking up with my ex-gf of almost 1,5 years. It was my first long-term relationship and I’ve never had such an intense connection with someone. I’m a 25 year old student and was 23 when we started dating. I realize I had a lot of shortcomings and made big mistakes in my relationship that have contributed for a great deal to us breaking-up. I feel bad about myself, I feel a total fail, still, after all this time, and I feel like I am not able to make another person happy, which makes me feel a failed human being and utterly sad. That is way I came to this forum. I read through Mariposa81’s forum about her getting back together with her ex-bf and eventually breaking up, and I saw the amazing support she got there from you guys, and how helpful that venting all of it was for her and kept her going during the difficult times. I have felt really helpless and hopeless lately, almost resorting to the state I was in right after the break-up (= semi-depressed, not motivated to work, not motivated to see friends, closed off to possible new relationships). My goal to post here is to learn from my mistakes, start to feel a better about myself again and ultimately I really want to grow as a person. I want to let you guys know that I’m a pretty complex and maybe a bit weird person but I sincerely hope you guys could to some point empathize with me and I would appreciate that a lot. I will also be completely honest with you, even though I am ashamed of quite a bit of things and feel like a failure about a big part of my failed relationship. But I’m going to be honest because I think ultimately that’s the only way to finally face my problems and grow. I know this post is very long; therefore I've split it up into 4 parts to make it a bit clearer: 1) Reasons for the break-up 2) Break-up itself and post-break-up-issues 3) Personal issues 4) Friendship? I've also had my most important questions underlined. If any of you would feel like providing any insight or help regarding this, it would be awesome to get any replies from you guys 1. Reasons for the break up Let me introduce to you guys how things happened: me and my ex studied abroad in Spain for a semester. She was 22, I was 23 and she had a 7-year relationship going on. She had a huge crush on me and things went very quick from there. The same night she told me – I had no clue, but felt bad about the boyfriend telling her we couldn’t do this, but she didn’t care – we ended up in bed and would secretly have sex almost every night for the next entire month. She broke up with her bf who was back in Belgium that month and we started a relationship. From the beginning, things weren’t easy. Our first and biggest issue, I think, was that she felt that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. I think that came partially from her having a crush on me and me sort of ‘letting it happen’. But it also came from my lack of actions I showed her my love with later in the relationship. We would typically see each other 2-3 evenings a week, with usually at least 1 of these with friends. I admit that, regularly, I felt it hard to fit in the dates together on top of other activities that took a lot of my time and were important to me (studying, practicing my music and piano, working out). I often felt I could never do enough and it frustrated me that she was regularly sad because she felt that I at times gave her the feeling that I didn’t invest myself 100% emotionally when I saw her and that I seemed rushed an preoccupied for other things I had and wanted to do. I must say I always enjoyed being with her, but I also admit that indeed, I’m maybe not the really relationship-ish guy who needs the really regular cuddle-up time and do the really couply things. I do feel a fail for knowing that she invested her heart 200% and I maybe didn’t do what I could… I feel really bad because of that… She even thought I didn’t love her as much up to the point where she thought that I was mostly with her because it was the ‘perfect picture’ next to my friend’s relationships (she being a year younger and a pretty, smart girl, giving me all I want and need in a relationship, being sociable and fun with my friends, etc.). I will also say, without wanting to talk down my ex, that she is quite emotionally needy. She is a very caring, sensitive, loving and very emotionally intelligent person (much more than me, I admit), and she needed a lot to keep her sensitive ‘strings’ satisfied emotionally. I know some of you ladies reading this might frown their eyebrows and think ‘hmmm, sounds like you’re overreacting and she’s just a WOMAN’ and feeling I’m looking at her from a superficial male viewpoint, but from (male and female) mutual friends I have had the confirmation that she is quite demanding emotionally and needs a lot of confirmation, which I, as quite a free, careless, ‘light’ person might not be well placed to give her… Maybe I wasn’t up for that task… and I admit I also feel a fail and sad because of that, because I would really want to be able to satisfy a woman physically and especially emotionally and make her truely happy, allthough sometimes I think I’m just not capable of that… and to be completely honest, sometimes I think I just want to FEEL like being capable of that instead of REALLY being capable… maybe we men are just ego’s… I know I’m not placing myself in good light here, but again, I just want to be honest. Our second big issue was my sexuality. I had had regular sexual encounters with men before I met her (mostly soft sex, and one 1-month ‘relationship’). She found that out by checking my cell phone messages after 2-3 weeks after we first had sex. I thought she would break up with me and continue with her boyfriend because of that, but surprisingly, she took it very well and was very encouraging of me to explore that side more. The month after that, while I already was at home and she was still in Spain, I did indeed have a sexual encounter with 2 men. When she came home, we started a relationship. She was hurt by what I had done, and I was stupid for not realizing that, although she encouraged me, deep inside she had really hoped for me to realize that I needed her and only her to be happy. At regular times during our relationship – not often, but once every few months – I did feel the need to satisfy my sexual desire for a man, but I have never cheated on her. It remained an issue… We’d talk about it and she had the feeling she was undesireable and couldn’t satisfy me sexually. Even though I tried hard to make her feel better about that, maybe I didn’t try enough… I really loved sex with her, and I’ve never been turned on so much by a girl, but due to some sexual problems (I had a long and narrow foreskin, not retracting over the glans, causing difficulties while having vaginal intercourse as in not getting enough direct stimulation on the glans and therefore being unable to orgasm, sorry for the details), we also could never really explore our full sexual potential. I have to admit it took me quite a long while to erase my sexual fantasies of her after we broke up. But I also, in all honesty, have to admit that I sometimes had sexual fantasies about other women while we were together (I feel really ashamed of that but I’m not going to lie here) and maybe I do have to admit that that might also be a reason that I sometimes thought of ‘greener grass’ and that made her feel undesireable. I always found her attractive though. (I admit, I really feel like a d*ck saying all this… but I guess… I need to be honest…) Our third big issue was our difference in future plans. She knows what she wants and is in her first year of her lawyer apprenticeship. She wants to marry and have kids in about 2 years and be a young mother. On the other hand, I am a medical student but up to this day I have huge doubts if I even want to be a doctor. This has bothered me for years now and I’ll come back to this more extensively in ‘personal issues’. I see myself having kids somewhere down the line when the time is right, but I know I have years of work in sight before I can be happy with who I am, what I am doing and feel capable of making someone happy in a strong relationship before even thinking about having kids. I realize I’m a big failure in this department as well, and feel that, if I don’t get this sorted out, I won’t ever be able to have a happy relationship. 2. Break-up itself and post-break-up-issues We broke up in steps. It was mostly her suggestion. I admit that breaking up had crossed my mind too in the last months of us being together, but I guess I always loved too much, and maybe I realized what I had to loose and didn’ t want to let go of so many good things. She suggested it on our holiday last summer. I was really upset and I said that then we should just end it right now and continue the holiday as ‘friends’. She agreed, but already the day after, stayed her usual touchy, caring self. I couldn’t bare being touched by her. So we realized it was going to be too difficult to already break up, and we continued the holiday as a couple, remaining touchy, having sex, etc. On August 1st, when we came home, we ‘definitely’ broke up, although it didn’t feel like that. We were like best friends right before the break-up, I felt happy, lighter, but awkward at first. The next weeks we had ocassional short (non-touchy, just friendly) contact. It became increasingly difficult, I started to miss her like crazy. I asked for a final reconciliation date end september, and I brought her a 14-page letter (yup, that long, lol) I wrote in which I tried to address all our relationship issues. It was a very strange night. She was very ambiguous and unclear. First of all, she invited me into her bedroom to read the letter (I felt so weird). Then she started saying how much she enjoyed being single. She also said she had thought that we maybe should have sex one more time, but that eventually, it might be better not to. She read the letter, cried, said she couldn’t go on anymore. She said it was over, and that maybe she would want to be with me again in a few years time, but she didn’t want to give me any hope. I was traumatized at the time. I felt so f*cked because of her way of ending things, not being straightforward and having me hang onto hopes of reconciliation. I litterally, like most people right after a break-up I guess, went crazy the following weeks. I read a lot of internet stuff. I initiated the no contact strategy in hopes of getting her back. The month after our break-up, I bumped into her quite frequently, although I really tried to avoid her. She started to hang out a lot with mutual friends. All of these mutual friends I have known for at least 6 years, and she got to know them through me the past year. She celebrated her birthday by having a drink with 2 mutual friends (plus 1 of her friends) and then going to a party organized by my fresh housemate (I had just moved). I felt so robbed of my social life. All I wanted was a circle of people I could confide in to get over my heartbreak. She didn’t allow me that. I ‘exploded’ to her during that party of my housemate (I don’t explode often I can tell you that), saying she was so selfish and that I didn’t want to see her anymore. Afterwards I tearfully (gosh, I’m such a * * * * * ) apologized to her for getting angry. I opened up to her and said it hurt me too much to see her and I couldn’t have fun at parties when she was there (I know, I felt really pathetic for telling her that afterwards). I said I had the right to get over her and would appreciate it if she took a step back and allow me to enjoy partying without her. She understood (or so I thought), but, asked if she could come to a mutual friend’s birthday party the day after. I didn’t want to be silly and said it was okay. The next evening, she came to the party where all of my friends (and quite a few mutual friends) were. With a date. She flirted with the gay in the middle of the dance floor the whole night. I felt devasted and humiliated and, quite frankly, in shock. But I didn’t show her anything. The weirdest thing was that, when she accidentally bumped into me, she sort of comfortingly touched my shoulder. I really didn’t need that, but again, didn’t say anything. After a while I just said goodbye and left. After that night, I decided to take more distance. The weeks and months after, our accidental bumping-into-each-other-on-parties indeed decreased. But that was mostly because I started to withdraw from a lot of social weekend activities. I saw facebook pictures flaring up of her and some of my mutual friends at parties I had never even known of. I was really hurt. I felt like our mutual friends chose her over me, and that after knowing her for such a short time compared to me. There would also be situations where a good friend of ours would organize a dinner and invite only her. SHE even asked HIM that he should invite me… That was so humiliating… I would also at one point call one my best friends and ask what she was doing that night, only to find out she had invited my ex that very moment at her house. I could hear by the fuss in the background that things were said like “don’t say I’m here to him!”. Ugh. I felt so betrayed… I really started withdrawing from social activities and mutual friends, even though a few of them are really very very close to me, thinking they would probably all feel happier knowing I wouldn’t show up. So they wouldn’t have to worry about choosing between who to invite and that she could happily continue her crazy flirting, partying and seducing. I felt really lonely at that time, I felt no one really cared and loved me at that time, even though I had some support too of those mutual friends. But it didn’ t feel like enough, it didn’t feel like I still had some of my really truely best friends for me alone, because they were also seeing her. I couldn’t confide my problems anymore to anyone, because I was afraid she might hear that I was doing bad, and I’m too proud for that. I started to lock up a lot of emotions inside. I hate to admit that after 3 months, in the middle of winter, I actually had suicidal thoughts. No concrete plans, but there were a few weeks where I called the “Suicide Line” (that’s how it’s called). That was the only place I felt I could still confide my deepest feelings to. Sad but true. I’m happy to say I haven’t been as bad since, but lately I’ve been quite bad too. The reason I'm feeling worse lately is because since 2 months I moved in with a mutual friend. I'm sharing a house in the center of the city with 2 older guys who are rather distant friends of mine, one of them now having become a good friend of hers. Yup, he was the one who didn't invite me to the dinner he organized after the break-up. You are probably wondering why I did this. Well, I simply didn't want to give up everything. This is a house where many of my friends and mutual friends regularly come. It's also a great place in the middle of the city center, with a big and beautiful room for me alone. I honestly told the guy that I was hurt by him not inviting me, but that I was willing to give it a try if we made some agreements (eg her not being invited to our house, or at least not when I'm there, but so far he hasn't invited her at all). He's also a creative, artistic guy and I thought we'd match well, he's a nice guy. But, I guess I underestimated the influence their friendship has on my friendship with this guy. I know I'm probably making too much fuss out of nothing, but I can't help but feel that I'm not able to open up or really relax around him because I'm afraid he will tell I'm doing not too well to her. He is also like being really nice and all and it all comes across a bit fake. I would just like him to act normal and just be himself, but he seems to overdo everything. I don't know. Should I openly communicate to my housemate that I'm still bothered by their friendship? That I can't seem to open up and that it feels awkward a lot of the time? Or should I just move out? I feel bad for him because I'll feel that I let him down and I'll also leave him alone as the other flatmate is moving out in October as well. Anyone any suggestions? I just don't know what to do... Ever since the break-up, I’ve remained no contact with my ex-gf. That means almost 10 months with just 1 text after one month and some occasional bumping into each other, especially the first few months (maybe 5 times in total with an occasional 2-minute conversation apart from the one row we had at my housemate’s party). I just felt my life was intoxicated by her. Since a few months, that feeling has become a lot less intense. But it still hasn’t completely gone away. 3. Personal issues Ultimately, this is the reason I’m here. I want to grow as a person, I want to feel better about myself and I don’t want to feel like I’m such a fail in relationships anymore. - Sexuality: I still have to explore my bisexuality and have a clearer understanding of what I want from a relationship. I want to know if I really can’t be with a man, or if I’m subconciously trying to supress the desire to have a relationship with a man. In a next relationship, I don’t want to have so many doubts anymore. But on the other hand, I cringe at the idea of ‘using’ a man as an experiment to see if I could be with one or not. I don’t want to do something like that to anyone. I know that maybe some people will say: you’re greedy. You want everything. No. I want to genuinely be with one person and have an intimate, fulfilling relationship with 1 human being and I want to try to make them as happy as I possibly can (which I sometimes think I just can’t). I feel that being bisexual can be quite hard in terms of finding a relationship. I’ve found that men and women are not eager on getting together with a bisexual person. And I don’t blame them. They will probably feel that it’s double trouble and they have to watch out for twice as many potential partners. Does anyone have any experience with bisexuality and how to make long-term relationships work? How can I work on this? How can I find out what I want? Should I have some casual dating with a man to see what it's like to be in a relationship with a guy? Maybe I just need to enjoy my time single and experiment a bit, get to know my preferences better. And accept that ultimately I will have to CHOOSE and GO FOR IT 100% if I want to have a fulfilling relationship. Chosing is losing. That’s been a problem in a lot of aspects of my life. - Career: That’s been a huge issue. I won’t have the possibility to be in a good relationship if I can’t make future plans. As mentioned above, I’m a medical student but I’ve had doubts from the start of my study if this is really my passion. I found out being a doctor would not be my passion. On the other side, however, I do realize it’s a good job, which would offer me financial security as well as a certain degree of emotional and intellectual satisfaction, although it would be really heavy. Being a doctor, I’ve found out, is really really hard work, and asks a lot of dedication. Right now I feel like I’m missing the dedication that is necessary in order to be a good doctor. I’ve always had a creative and artistic side to me and I’m pretty sure that’s where my true passion lies. As a kid I used to watch Disney movies and draw books about them of 100+ pages at age 7-8. I went to art school as a kid, I have taken dance classes, acting classes, I’ve played the violin for 10 years, I studied graphic design for a year before med school. Since 2 years (actually right after meeting my ex) I started jazz singing classes. I absolutely love to sing. I’m actually, as crazy as it may seem, considering having a career as a singer. I participated at the conservatory exam last year for jazz singing (which, after just 1 year of singing classes, of course I failed) and am considering taking a jazz singing course this summer and trying the exam in August again. At the same time, I realize I’m being very immature and stupid. I haven’t informed anyone about this, not even my best friends or family, my ex gf was the only one who knew this. I also am really busy in medicine lately and in a few months have my clinical exam (thé exam) coming up and will have to decide which doctor I want to become. I feel I’m totally not into that anymore, and I don’t know what I’ll do in the upcoming months… I feel like trying to become a singer would probably be a stupid move, throwing away all my efforts to try to be a doctor, choosing for financial insecurity, chasing a dream and chasing a level of success that is very unlikely to happen to me, especially at this age. And I’m not even talking about how I would finance this all, going to the conservatory, letting alone telling my friends. I’ve been having great difficulties sharing these thoughts about a possible career change with other close ones. 1) My family. Because I have already changed once after studying graphic design for one year, and my parents were quite unappreciative of me doubting so much, pinning it down to immatureness (which it might have been, but hey, I can’t help for doubting, can I?). 2) My friends. All of them have universitary degrees and a lot of them are extremely good at what they do. On one hand, I have a lot of friends studying medicine and starting their specialties now, they often had top studying results. On the other hand, I have a few friends in arts (one of them is in film, one is in theater). Both of them are doing very well, esp. One guy who is now basically paid to travel the world and contribute to theater production as a self-thaught director, extremely intelligent guy. I often feel (sorry, I don’t want to come off as arrogant) that I could reach their ‘level’ in both fields, but my indeciciveness has hold me back greatly, and although I also have good grades in medical school, I never had the grades I might have had (although, to be honest, I don’t care too much about that anymore). I really feel the need to discuss my career plans and thoughts and doubts with close ones. But I feel it would just be ridicolous. I feel I would be laughed at. Be seen as immature. People would probably tell me to work with the career options that I have and appreciate them because they’re (at this point) still excellent, and they’re probably right. But I can’t help but feel that, even though following through with medicine would be the wise and rational and smart choice, I would never be truely happy. When I don’t have a creative goal (a singing exam, a concert, a prospect of maybe starting conservatory) in my mind, I notice that I become unmotivated in all other parts of life. I can only keep up my efforts in medicine if I know that I also have a creative ‘reward’ somewhere in the (very) near future. It seems the only way I can be truely happy… - Relationships: I just feel a huge fail in relationships. I feel like no woman would eventually, after a while, want to be in a relationship with me. And I feel I can’t make a woman happy. Which makes me feel really sad. I want my confidence back. I want to feel again that I can mean something for someone… That I CAN make someone happy… Whether or not I want that feeling of being capable instead of the real capability itself, is another question. Maybe I wasn’t made for relationships… Maybe my artistic side programs me to always have another ‘passion’ and ‘focus’ in my life, one that is really really important to me and makes it impossible to fit in another person with all of their needs and desires and wishes… I often wonder about that… Artistic people are often viewed as good and desireable lovers, but are a lot of times having difficulties with relationships… Is that the same with me? Am I hopeless? Should I just revert to casual dating and focus on my artistic aspirations as a way to get personal satisfaction? And drop the idea that I need a relationship to be happy? I can’t seem to really believe that would make me happy… in the end I want to fully share my life, my happiness, with someone else, I think only that would make me truely happy… And I want to get rid of the feeling that I do bad to people… My girlfriend always made me feel like I was her ‘devil’, that she wished she’d never met me because I had robbed her heart… I want to feel like a good person again, I’m not all bad… I really don’t want to feel like this anymore… I don’t want anyone to have a heartache because of me… and I don’t want to have a broken heart myself anymore either… - Communication: Finally, I would like to be a lot better of a communicator. I know it helps when I put my feelings on paper or type it out, but I just can never seem to tell people I feel bad. When they ask ‘how are you?’ I feel obliged to see ‘Fine thanks’ even though I’ve been feeling like crap and a total mess for most of this year. How do I do this? How do I confide someone in these really personal issues I’ve never discussed before with friends, like my bisexuality, my career, my own perceiving of being rubbish as relationship material, even though I know deep down I have some good qualities to offer too. I just always feel like I would ruin the atmosphere. Or I would leave people speechless if I told them all the heavy stuff I’m thinking about. Or that they would, worse, give up on me and just be like ‘you’ll be fine’ because they wouldn’t really know what to say. Or just laugh with me. I wish I’d made earlier work of this. I have sooooooooo much to sort out… 4. Friendship? After 10 months of no contact, I am thinking of contacting my ex again to be real, genuine friends. But, I just don’t know if it’s possible… I know that she really wants to be friends and that she still is suffering from our break-up too, but I’m afraid that one of us or both of us might get feelings for the other again. I know we care deeply for each other, but I do know, looking back, that the relationship was too heavy for both of us, and that we probably want different things in life, and that we probably aren’t strong enough to fulfill each other’s desires (she not strong enough to ‘tolerate’ my bisexuality and artistic distractions and aspirations and, and me not strong enough to be the reliable family man that gives her the emotional stability and confirmation she ultimately desires and hoped I could turn into but I think I might eventually, all things sorted out, be capable of becoming that kind of man and father, but that I need a lot more time to ‘ripe’). I also deep down suspect that she might have ended things hoping that ‘I would change’ (that would explain the “I don’t want to be with you anymore but maybe in a few years” and the “you’re not ready for a relationship’). That is really tricky… I’m afraid that if she’s going to try to experiment with subtly seducing me I wouldn’t be able to resist, which would be no good for either of us. Should I contact her and say that I would like to be genuine friends, but only if there’s nothing more than friends? Or would that come off too arrogant… after all, maybe she’s changed and she just wants friendship as well… I just don’t know… I also have to admit that I’m still really ‘busy’ with processing things and maybe I still don’t have enough distance from her and the relationship yet… Should I wait until I’m dating someone new or am in a relationship again? Or would that still not take away the ‘danger’… I know at least she’s seeing someone else for about 1,5 month now… but I’ve also heard it’s probably going to end quickly and she hasn’t found mental stability yet… Pfff, I don’t know. Any suggestions? Finally, I want to thank you guys A LOT for reading through all this! I appreciate it enormously! I can say I feel a lot lighter after getting this all off my chest. I hope you guys don’t think I’m a total lunatic (which I probably am). I know I’m not a saint, I know in some parts I’ve been a rude, insensitive, maybe even right out bad boyfriend, and I’m willing to face critique where critique is due, I really am… I just want to LEARN, for my own sake and for the sake of my future loved ones… I know a lot of women will think – geez, this guy has a LOT to learn – well, ladies, I guess I’m a puppy that needs a lot of training, so feel free to give any advice, critique and info you want, I’ll take it. Gladly! Thanks very much again, and please do reply if you think your advice could be useful! I truthfully appreciate any input. Take care and thanks again, manu Edited July 11, 2011 by Manu25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manu25 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) Hey, I know this thread is really, really long, and therefore difficult for you guys to reply. However, I would really REALLY appreciate some input. To make it easier on you guys, I'm posting a summary here (as short as possible): I want to grow from the mistakes I made. There are 6 issues/things I want to work on, and would love some feedback about (some of) them. 1) Bisexuality. I love sex with women and fall in love with them. I like sex with men too, but not sure about feelings, I think not but not 100% sure. How to work on this? I'm afraid, if I don't find out actively about how I feel about men, my next girl will also freak out and say "you're just choosing for me because you don't KNOW yet that you can love men. Any bisexual people here with experience about long-term relationships, how to achieve and maintain them? 2) Career: I'm in medicine, I know it's a good job and I reasonably like it. But singing is my true passion. My social environment is one of well-educated people with high universitary degrees. I am afraid to not be taken seriously about my career ideas. How to work on finding that career path and how to find people to work with me, supporting me with my goals? 3) Family: my ex wants kids in 2-3 years, I'm still clueless. I think I need at least 3 years for personal work and growth. How to find out I want kids? 4) Relationships: I feel like a failure, I particularly feel it costs me a lot of effort to fulfill the emotional needs of my SO. (I do have to mention that my ex was emotionally quite demanding) How to work on that? Should I just accept that I am not very good relationship material and find a low-maintenance partner? Then again, I love emotionally rich partners as I love to be loved and cared for. I adore that. 5) Friendship with the ex: I know since last week that she's having a really hard time still with the break-up and is really looking forward to becoming friends. I am still confused. Rationally, I know it's going to be difficult for us to make it if we get back together because of differences in future plans (I just still don't have any), differences in emotional and personality make-up (she's really really needy, I am really laid-back and carefree and have no problems not seeing my SO more than 1x/w). Emotionally, I still miss her quite a lot. It's probably best not to become friends. Should we keep low contact and be friendly, leaving the possibility open for a conversation to both get more closure and insight as to why it is probably not ever going to work? 6) Communication: I bottle up a lot and feel a lot of shame (esp. about sexuality issues and career issues). How to find the confidence to confide my deepest worries to my loved ones? And how to wisely select to people to confide in? Because these issues (esp. sexuality) are very sensitive and I don't ever want to risk this info of spreading to the wrong people. Thanks so much! Hope I kept it short enough this time Manu Edited July 12, 2011 by Manu25 Link to post Share on other sites
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