Jaina19 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 My ex texted me today. He always responds to my texts when I text every few weeks, to see if he is well etc, but hasn't texted me first for a long time, which is why it was surprising. I haven't texted as regularly as I used to because I have been so busy. I think it caught me off guard and I now I am not sure how I feel. Last week I felt, with starting a new job, making new friends and being really busy that I didn't care if I never saw or heard from my ex again, though it would be a shame. I felt I was finally over him (we broke up about 5 months ago, he was first bf and we were together for 6 months) But today I feel differently, we had a text convo and I miss him a bit. I miss our chats. I haven't seen him for about 4 months nearly 5 maybe... I can't believe I have survived, couldn't even dream of coping with not seeing him again just after we broke up, it would devastate me that I coudn't, but somehow I have. I am so confused, I don't know what to feel. The pain is much less now but I still miss him and would like to see him if I could. All day I have just been feeling really sad. At the same time as we broke up my best friend also got a gf and I don't see him anymore, and we used to be so close. It feels like I have lost the two most important people besides family in my life, and at the same time. I have lots of new friends now but it feels like I have left an old life behind and a part of me with it and I still want a piece of it. I don't want to go NC with my ex because I think it would be a shame because we got on really well and could maybe have a good friendship in future... we don't speak much anyway. But it still upsets me when we are in contact, reminds me what we don't have anymore. And he has had a new gf for a long time and I have been very unlucky and constantly disappointed on the dating scene. Maybe I need to go NC to move on and forget him. I almost cried as I write this... I miss him so much. I don't know what to do. I want to move on but in a way I don't want to let go. Maybe I am so unlucky with dating because I have not moved on so not ready to commit to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 That is the hardest part of being in contact - it continues to remind you of things. I am 4 months post breakup and see my ex on the regular due to mutual friends, and I am still not over it all, and as angry and hurt as I am, I too miss him. Plus he has a new girl, so I see that too. It's that awful limbo stage after a few months post breakup where I want him back but want to move on, eek. But like you said, you have survived!! A breakup, although at times it feels that way, wont kill you. You seem to be doing ok and on the right track. The pain does lessen but we all have set backs. I think no contact is best, when it can be done. Out of sight out of mind..in due time, that statement rings true! It is ok to miss him, you can still be moving on, but miss him- I think it is a process of detachment and it takes time. I am fully over one ex who broke my heart, but I still muss certain things about the guy too! Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Sadly both of you have never really given no contact a proper chance with your ex's still very much in your lives, or at least able to get into your lives. So one day you're both fine and feel like you've moved on, but then a slight whisper of the ex and you fall right back to where you were when the break up happened. I still think we all heal, even with the ex around, but it takes easily twice as long, sometimes longer. I also know first hand how hard it is to cut someone out of your lives completely. Telling them not to contact you and deleting all personal info is the hardest thing, but if you truly do want to heal, that's what's needed. As for the mutual friends thing, yeah I got that going on right now. I don't avoid them but I do sometimes have to let them down on meet-ups. Some of them know the situation so it's fine. I guess it comes down to what you really want. Are you really ready to set yourself free. Be honest, do you ever feel you have moved on and are over the ex, or is it more a case of you're only feeling fine and happy because you know they're still in contact and you will still see them occasionally, so you're only acting as if you're free and healed. It is true that out of sight, out of mind does help you move on. As does the line ignorance is bliss when it comes to not wanting to know what the ex is upto. All this adds to the no contact guidelines. So many people, myself included, do so well with NC but fall so easily backwards from the slightest bit of contact from an ex. Yeah, it makes us feel good to hear from them and we think we're okay to have that little bit of contact, but afterwards we all feel terrible. This place can offer advice but it's up to you to take it. Advice is so easy to give, yet so difficult to take. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I truly feel your pain. People move on with different pace. Some people need a long period of time before they can see their ex again and feel normal again. Especially when we are still young, first loves are the hardest, you dont truly know that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Try meeting new people, and start talking to somebody. That might help. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Sadly both of you have never really given no contact a proper chance with your ex's still very much in your lives, or at least able to get into your lives. So one day you're both fine and feel like you've moved on, but then a slight whisper of the ex and you fall right back to where you were when the break up happened. I still think we all heal, even with the ex around, but it takes easily twice as long, sometimes longer. I also know first hand how hard it is to cut someone out of your lives completely. Telling them not to contact you and deleting all personal info is the hardest thing, but if you truly do want to heal, that's what's needed. As for the mutual friends thing, yeah I got that going on right now. I don't avoid them but I do sometimes have to let them down on meet-ups. Some of them know the situation so it's fine. I guess it comes down to what you really want. Are you really ready to set yourself free. Be honest, do you ever feel you have moved on and are over the ex, or is it more a case of you're only feeling fine and happy because you know they're still in contact and you will still see them occasionally, so you're only acting as if you're free and healed. It is true that out of sight, out of mind does help you move on. As does the line ignorance is bliss when it comes to not wanting to know what the ex is upto. All this adds to the no contact guidelines. So many people, myself included, do so well with NC but fall so easily backwards from the slightest bit of contact from an ex. Yeah, it makes us feel good to hear from them and we think we're okay to have that little bit of contact, but afterwards we all feel terrible. This place can offer advice but it's up to you to take it. Advice is so easy to give, yet so difficult to take. Right on point with it all smudge- no contact is what I want, but dont really choose it bc of the mutual friend thing. Of course, just bc how it is, mutual friends got involved with the breakup plus all the he said/she said stuff....gets messy when dating in the same social crew. I fully agree it is possible to move on when in contact,but for sure takes so much more time and effort, as you see them, and see/hear things you dont want. As you said, in this case, "ignorance really is bliss". I know so many hurtful things about him, and his other girls, and love err sex life etc. I still have mini breakdowns over it all. I want him out of my life, I have even told him that, hah, but not feasible. I have plenty of friends that dont know him, but nonetheless, avoiding my main crew isnt an option I want. Jaina- if you can easily go NC and make sure to stick to it, I def advise it! Being in contact will always bring up old memories, old wounds, etc, so if you can cut ties for good, or for however long need be, then go for it. I am in favor of NC to the fullest when it can be done easily!!! I just chose to make it a bit harder, ugh never dating in my social circle again! I think I just keep salting my wounds grr Link to post Share on other sites
Rory12345 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know you said that you two get along well but for the time being go No Contact - delete his number and all other details/pictures you have of him. Remove him from your life. You maybe friends in the future but you are in limbo at the moment. You can't be friends when you still have feelings for him. Give yourself time without speaking to him to build yourself or you will just be stuck in limbo all the time. These feelings will go with time, the sooner you start No Contact, be better! Cheers, Rory Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts