Emotional DEtachment/ protection mechanisms

[26pointblue]

My guy and I share the bills. He pays half the mortgage but 1/3 of the rest of the bills because my son lives with us, so it's only fair that I pay for him. As a result, I've been able to give my son more financially. If we broke up tomorrow, though, I could still make it on my own. I refuse to ever be stuck in a situation because of money. But we get along really well, and even if we have a disagreement or misunderstanding, we always talk it out. He is actually one guy who wants good things for the rest of the people in the household - not just himself. What a refreshing change from the rest of the jackasses I've known.

 

That sounds very equal & how I have done things with guys I've lived with in the past . . . & would continue to do in the future. [Except I don't have any kids & have never lived with someone who does.] If I get married though I'll share everything & expect the same. :-) I think it's important for married people/life partners to be on the same page about money. I'd likely have a joint bank account & do the same thing I do now, which is have the paycheck deposited, have money saved/invested automatically, pay bills automatically & then spend the rest. :-) I'm not a huge budget freak but then again I've always had enough left over for spending money [could probably stand to be more fiscally responsible & have even more left over to save or at least not blow, ha ha]. So if my future partner has different ideas about money than I do, I'm open to listening because I'm not great at it & feel I could be better. But I want it to be both of our money & to know we share everything & make decisions about everything together. See, I'm all idealist aobut this now & I'm not even dating anyone ha ha, but it's an example of how my views have changed or I've identified them better, & now I really do get excited about the idea of joining my life with someone else's, eventually, if I fall in love.

[fascinated]

I guess that makes me a man then, since none of this is true for me.

 

Oh well, farewell multiple orgasms - it's been really fun knowing you (Still, at least I get to stand up when I pee, now )

 

 

I thought the same thing. The generation of "grandmothers" who said to wait usually didnt enjoy sex, imo. It was a bargaining tool to find a man who would love and take care of them. Not really any more healthy than emotional detachment and FWBs, and I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon to call them right.

 

That said, I do think I've been more emotionally detached than the men in my life. At times it makes me seem like the man somehow. I know it's a protective mechanism, but I think I might be better off without it if I can figure that one out.

[26pointblue]

I thought the same thing. The generation of "grandmothers" who said to wait usually didnt enjoy sex, imo. It was a bargaining tool to find a man who would love and take care of them. Not really any more healthy than emotional detachment and FWBs, and I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon to call them right.

 

That said, I do think I've been more emotionally detached than the men in my life. At times it makes me seem like the man somehow. I know it's a protective mechanism, but I think I might be better off without it if I can figure that one out.

 

I completely enjoy sex.

 

At the same time, I've realized my body is sacred & I shouldn't just give it to any old guy [or gal, ha ha] for any old reason. Or, better stated, I don't think I should give it or withhold it from a guy in order to use it as a 'bargaining tool' to get him to love me . . . I really don't think that sex & love have much to do with each other in that way. As in, if a guy likes me, he will still like me whether or not we have sex. And if he doesn't like me, he won't like me whether or not we have sex! And it's the exact same with how I feel about him, whether or not we have sex! Also, I shouldn't just give it out freely because I've learned that leaves me feeling empty . . . not because I want an emotional relationship with *that* particular guy but because what I want in the long run is a good happy relationship & I am not going to find it by jumping in the sack with someone. Plus the risk of STDs is just too great!

 

Sadly it's rare that I find great or even good sex, & so I've learned that it's better/easier to just do for myself. ;-)

 

Finally, in terms of the 'bargaining tool' aspect of things I do think that there are evolutionary psychology-based reasons why men like the chase & why they don't respect/ wouldn't want to marry a woman who is 'easy' or 'loose.' I used to disregard these ideas as sexist but now I understand more, & personally, I don't respect & wouldn't want to marry a guy who bangs everything in sight, either! Even if he stopped when he met me I would wonder what his issues are that he has such low standards & the need for sexual validation etc.

 

In general I think sex should come naturally, not be used as either a bargaining chip or a way to use people or be used by people etc., & there are no hard & fast rules but I would like to wait until I find a special person to be sexually intimate with . . . something I am really not used to!! Ha ha.

[26pointblue]

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to tell you that you are helping me also........with your introspection and your ability to look deep.

 

Like you.......I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but maybe someday.

 

I also could very much relate to Seren's post regarding my 20's..........btdt. Sadly.......I'm not sure that I've EVER had one completely emotionally healthy intimate relationship with a man. The closest I've ever been to it, was my x hubby, the father of my girls and when I look at that realistically I realize both of us weren't 100% emotionally available. There is also an x-fiance in my past that comes close but I just called it off when the going got tough.

 

I can so relate to everything you just said, especially, sadly, the bold.

 

I've never been married but have come close & have had some long relationships & lived together & etc. But I was afraid of real intimacy/commitment & I think I chose guys who were too. There were some great qualities about some of my exes but overall they were wrong for me & I was trying to go through the motions & do what I thought people did, instead of being true to myself. And then there were some real jerks & bad situations, like xMM, that I got into because I was being really bad to myself!

[MissBee]

I completely enjoy sex.

 

At the same time, I've realized my body is sacred & I shouldn't just give it to any old guy [or gal, ha ha] for any old reason. Or, better stated, I don't think I should give it or withhold it from a guy in order to use it as a 'bargaining tool' to get him to love me . . . I really don't think that sex & love have much to do with each other in that way. As in, if a guy likes me, he will still like me whether or not we have sex. And if he doesn't like me, he won't like me whether or not we have sex! And it's the exact same with how I feel about him, whether or not we have sex! Also, I shouldn't just give it out freely because I've learned that leaves me feeling empty . . . not because I want an emotional relationship with *that* particular guy but because what I want in the long run is a good happy relationship & I am not going to find it by jumping in the sack with someone. Plus the risk of STDs is just too great!

 

Sadly it's rare that I find great or even good sex, & so I've learned that it's better/easier to just do for myself. ;-)

 

Finally, in terms of the 'bargaining tool' aspect of things I do think that there are evolutionary psychology-based reasons why men like the chase & why they don't respect/ wouldn't want to marry a woman who is 'easy' or 'loose.' I used to disregard these ideas as sexist but now I understand more, & personally, I don't respect & wouldn't want to marry a guy who bangs everything in sight, either! Even if he stopped when he met me I would wonder what his issues are that he has such low standards & the need for sexual validation etc.

In general I think sex should come naturally, not be used as either a bargaining chip or a way to use people or be used by people etc., & there are no hard & fast rules but I would like to wait until I find a special person to be sexually intimate with . . . something I am really not used to!! Ha ha.

 

We're on the exact same page about that!

 

It's rather a long story....but the short of it is that I was a bit misguided about casual sex in the past and I now realize that the intimacy I received from sex, esp with someone I felt safe and cared for with, was more of what I liked about sex than just "the sex". With someone I care about and love I am a lot less inhibited and it's just great all around. I can give myself an orgasm quicker than a man can sooo it's not about that for me. I had to be true to myself in that regard.

 

I decided a while ago that I just wasn't interested in having sex outside of a relationship. It's not a bargaining tool or any such. In the past, one way I tempered feelings for a man was to have sex with him...as often, when I did, I stopped liking him It's a strange thing and I know it was steeped in some issue. If I wanted to stop having feelings for you, I'd have sex with you, then voila, instant anticlimax and then the relationship could become casual as I just stopped being excited about him romantically. I broke my rule recently, it wasn't detrimental, but it made me get back on the wagon and realize that yeaa...I know exactly why I made that choice for myself.

 

Further, I am also at the stage in my life where I am forging my own path and hoping to settle down in the next few years, so I date with a purpose now, where I'm looking for my future partner and not just random hook ups or casual relationships going nowhere. I am also a bit paranoid and while I've never engaged in unprotected sex, I do think of the real possibility that condoms break, ish happens...and I would be damned to end up pregnant and stuck with some guy I was having a fling with. So that also influences my decisions.

 

It works well for me and allows me to be in control of my life. People say "it just happened" or whatever (like a friend of mine who just had a baby for some guy she was messing with who was in no way serious about her and stopped speaking to her when he found out she was pregnant)...and I'm like "Well...it doesn't happen to me", because the choices I make just don't lend for certain things to "just happen". I have no problems or issues with people having casual sex, I used to, but for what I want now, how I see myself and the value I place on certain things, it's just not for me.

[26pointblue]

We're on the exact same page about that!

 

It's rather a long story....but the short of it is that I was a bit misguided about casual sex in the past and I now realize that the intimacy I received from sex, esp with someone I felt safe and cared for with, was more of what I liked about sex than just "the sex". With someone I care about and love I am a lot less inhibited and it's just great all around. I can give myself an orgasm quicker than a man can sooo it's not about that for me. I had to be true to myself in that regard.

 

I decided a while ago that I just wasn't interested in having sex outside of a relationship. It's not a bargaining tool or any such. In the past, one way I tempered feelings for a man was to have sex with him...as often, when I did, I stopped liking him It's a strange thing and I know it was steeped in some issue. If I wanted to stop having feelings for you, I'd have sex with you, then voila, instant anticlimax and then the relationship could become casual as I just stopped being excited about him romantically. I broke my rule recently, it wasn't detrimental, but it made me get back on the wagon and realize that yeaa...I know exactly why I made that choice for myself.

 

Further, I am also at the stage in my life where I am forging my own path and hoping to settle down in the next few years, so I date with a purpose now, where I'm looking for my future partner and not just random hook ups or casual relationships going nowhere. I am also a bit paranoid and while I've never engaged in unprotected sex, I do think of the real possibility that condoms break, ish happens...and I would be damned to end up pregnant and stuck with some guy I was having a fling with. So that also influences my decisions.

 

It works well for me and allows me to be in control of my life. People say "it just happened" or whatever (like a friend of mine who just had a baby for some guy she was messing with who was in no way serious about her and stopped speaking to her when he found out she was pregnant)...and I'm like "Well...it doesn't happen to me", because the choices I make just don't lend for certain things to "just happen". I have no problems or issues with people having casual sex, I used to, but for what I want now, how I see myself and the value I place on certain things, it's just not for me.

 

I totally agree. Especially with the bolded. I'm just now realizing that I can forge my own destiny . . . I am the author of my own life, & if I want a fulfilling relationship/marriage, I should aim towards that, & nothing less. I used to just stumble around letting things 'happen' to me, & trying to twist my thinking to a way where whatever I was doing made me happy, or ignoring things that didn't make me happy. Now I try to be aware & to do things the opposite way - only do things I know will make me happy, & not do things that won't! It did take some hard learning experiences & pain for me to wake up to this realization.

 

And yeah, why waste precious time on random hook-ups & casual dating when what you really want is the whole schabang? I'm working on this, but I'm getting better & better at honing into my own instincts to see pretty early on whether a guy is right for me & what he wants. If he just wants to play the field or is emotionally unavailable or unsure of what he wants [i've actually had guys tell me that -- 'I don't know what I want' - umm okay thanks for the honesty?... and uhhh NEXT!], then why waste time. Because even if I think I can play the field & just date him or hook up with him for fun while I go along on my search for my prince charming, I don't think it works like that. I'm still emotionally invested in the casual guy to some extent [time, energy, & there always seems to be a lot of unnecessary drama & confusion in those types of 'relationships'!], & this takes away my focus on what I really want. Plus, I'm getting to where I'm happy spending time alone, or with friends, family, pets, etc. & am trying to accomplish a lot of goals, so, I really would rather be alone than with a dead-end-relationship-type guy.

 

Another thing is I've realized I have to live the kind of behavior I want to find in a potential partner. I wouldn't want some guy who currently has a lot of F buddies or dead-end 'relationships' w/ loose strings he'd have to tie up once we started dating seriously . . . I wouldn't want someone who is escaping from dealing with his own issues & making a happy life for himself by chasing after or staying stuck with dead-end-relationship-type girls. To me that means he's a dead-end-relatioship-type guy. So why would I want to be that kind of person myself? Doesn't make sense.

 

I agree that usually unwanted pregnancies, like affairs, don't just 'happen.' People put themselves in those situations or they float along in ignorant bliss like I did. I am not judging because I was there once, but, looking back, it doesn't just happen. Luckily I didn't get pregnant but to me the STD risk is way too big. The more I read about STDs, the more determined I am to not have sex until I'm in a loving, trusting relationship. Condoms don't protect against a lot of STDs!!!! And even the ones they do protect against, the risk is only reduced by like half, so, that's still too much of a risk for me to take when I'm not even that into the person & it's just a random hook-up. No thanks!

[waytogo]

Don't mind & actually appreciate the input. :-)

 

I don't really understand the part about your H ending up where you were filling up on gas . . . do you mean that fate brought you & your H together when you weren't even looking & you just had to open your eyes?

 

Yeah I do think FWB & affair type relationships are attempts at control. If we don't have to give all of ourselves & we know the other person isn't in a position to/ doesn't want to/ can't give all of themselves, we don't have to take such a big risk & we feel we are in control but really we are cheating ourselves & we aren't in control at all.

 

Your bolded ?, the answer is yes. I knew him lightly thru a few distant channels. We've actually traced a few instances, where even in other countries we would have been in the same lobby but missed each other somehow. It reminds me of the movie Sleepless in Seattle at times, except neither of us was seeking out the other intentionally.

 

Finally, the right place and time there was a "aren't you____?" The rest is both history and our futures This was worth the wait. I'm borrowing something I read, but can't remember where I read it; H is more than I would have been smart enough to ask to be sent to me.

[SidLyon]

I guess that makes me a man then, since none of this is true for me.

 

Oh well, farewell multiple orgasms - it's been really fun knowing you (Still, at least I get to stand up when I pee, now )

 

I am reminded of a friend of mine who was born male and fathered children while married.

 

My friend then went through the "complete" sex change and is now a woman. Mostly she is like a normal woman (at least to me), not overly feminine but in some areas she had maintained some masculine "traits". It always takes me by surprise when she suddenly starts discussing cricket, football or beer in a rather "masculine" way.

 

She also gets a few things "wrong", for example asking to borrow my lipstick on the second occasion we met, not realizing that women in their 50s don't generally share lipstick with other women unless they are really close.

 

It's always interesting to see the reaction of others when she refers to her children and see them eventually do a double take as they realise she is the father rather than the mother of her children.

 

My friend has had many relationships with men (some of whom are married). Some are gay men and others identify as heterosexual in their primary relationships. She never seems all that attached to them.

Edited July 13, 2011 by SidLyon

[MissBee]

I totally agree. Especially with the bolded. I'm just now realizing that I can forge my own destiny . . . I am the author of my own life, & if I want a fulfilling relationship/marriage, I should aim towards that, & nothing less. I used to just stumble around letting things 'happen' to me, & trying to twist my thinking to a way where whatever I was doing made me happy, or ignoring things that didn't make me happy. Now I try to be aware & to do things the opposite way - only do things I know will make me happy, & not do things that won't! It did take some hard learning experiences & pain for me to wake up to this realization.

 

And yeah, why waste precious time on random hook-ups & casual dating when what you really want is the whole schabang? I'm working on this, but I'm getting better & better at honing into my own instincts to see pretty early on whether a guy is right for me & what he wants. If he just wants to play the field or is emotionally unavailable or unsure of what he wants [i've actually had guys tell me that -- 'I don't know what I want' - umm okay thanks for the honesty?... and uhhh NEXT!], then why waste time. Because even if I think I can play the field & just date him or hook up with him for fun while I go along on my search for my prince charming, I don't think it works like that. I'm still emotionally invested in the casual guy to some extent [time, energy, & there always seems to be a lot of unnecessary drama & confusion in those types of 'relationships'!], & this takes away my focus on what I really want. Plus, I'm getting to where I'm happy spending time alone, or with friends, family, pets, etc. & am trying to accomplish a lot of goals, so, I really would rather be alone than with a dead-end-relationship-type guy.

Another thing is I've realized I have to live the kind of behavior I want to find in a potential partner. I wouldn't want some guy who currently has a lot of F buddies or dead-end 'relationships' w/ loose strings he'd have to tie up once we started dating seriously . . . I wouldn't want someone who is escaping from dealing with his own issues & making a happy life for himself by chasing after or staying stuck with dead-end-relationship-type girls. To me that means he's a dead-end-relatioship-type guy. So why would I want to be that kind of person myself? Doesn't make sense.

I agree that usually unwanted pregnancies, like affairs, don't just 'happen.' People put themselves in those situations or they float along in ignorant bliss like I did. I am not judging because I was there once, but, looking back, it doesn't just happen. Luckily I didn't get pregnant but to me the STD risk is way too big. The more I read about STDs, the more determined I am to not have sex until I'm in a loving, trusting relationship. Condoms don't protect against a lot of STDs!!!! And even the ones they do protect against, the risk is only reduced by like half, so, that's still too much of a risk for me to take when I'm not even that into the person & it's just a random hook-up. No thanks!

 

YES, YES AND YES!!!

 

I could kiss you

 

Those are my precise sentiments...couldn't say it any better.

 

Ever since I have started living a more purposeful, intentional life, I've experienced so much more freedom and less mishaps and drama and things "just happening". I too realize how I was just floating along in life....these aspects really resonate as that is EXACTLY how I would describe it:

 

I used to just stumble around letting things 'happen' to me, & trying to twist my thinking to a way where whatever I was doing made me happy, or ignoring things that didn't make me happy. Now I try to be aware & to do things the opposite way - only do things I know will make me happy, & not do things that won't! It did take some hard learning experiences & pain for me to wake up to this realization.

 

I'm learning and I'm glad I have learned at the start of my life so I can live intentionally for the bulk of it versus going around doing whatever, whenever, blissfully unaware and feeling like the victim of circumstances and "bad luck" (which was my favorite theory, I was so unfortunate and fated to strings of odd relationships/wanna-be-relationships ).

 

I also really like the idea that in order to attract a particular person into my life, I need to be that person myself and it's hypocritical to require the world from a man if I am not at that level; as if a man who's bringing the world wouldn't want the world himself.

 

But it comes down to living your life consciously choosing things, with your standards in place and being happy with yourself and developing self first and then extending that outwards versus living in a daze, being so "open minded" that your brain falls out (I was good at that at one point too, convincing myself that oh yea I'll try it, oh yea maybe I like it...smh when I just had weak boundaries ) and expecting fulfillment and validation from others and everything outside yourself and your control.

[OWoman]

I am reminded of a friend of mine who was born male and fathered children while married.

 

My friend then went through the "complete" sex change and is now a woman.

 

I can assure you I have never had a sex change. And those on LS who are also FB friends can attest that I don't look in need of one, either!

 

Mostly she is like a normal woman (at least to me), not overly feminine but in some areas she had maintained some masculine "traits".

 

Luckily none of that applies to me, though I can see the temptation of comparing some woman you'll never meet who had a history of "borrowing" the Hs of women she's never met, with someone you'd only recently met who wanted to borrow your lipstick. (As it happens, I'm not squeamish about sharing lippy either; I seldom use the stuff as I've always considered it "middle aged" and prefer lipgloss; but if someone wanted to borrow it I'd happily hand it over, if I had any on me.)

 

Actually the research I was responding to which claimed to back up that old chestnut "men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love" did state clearly that it was talking in averages and not in absolutes; that for MANY but not ALL women, they were MORE LIKELY to respond in that way (and mutatis mutandis for men) - which could be explained IMO as much through socialisation as through biology, since girls are raised to value lurve above sex and boys to value sex above love.

 

TBH, in my past I've neither used love to get sex or sex to get love. I've "used" sex to get sex, since that was what I wanted. The love stuff - I had more than enough of from other sources, I didn't need to bring that into the realm of sex where I felt it didn't belong.

 

With my H though it would be hard to delineate where one stopped and the other started. Sex is one way we express our love for each other, and one way we nurture our love. For us, sex produces love and love produces sex, in a virtuous circle that has no gendered asymmetries.

[SidLyon]

I can assure you I have never had a sex change. And those on LS who are also FB friends can attest that I don't look in need of one, either!

 

I can't imagine how one would judge someone who "looks" in need of a sex change anyway!

 

Edited to add: This caused me to imagine people trawling through their F/B friends looking for beautiful men or masculine women and discreetly hinting that maybe they would be better off as the opposite gender.

 

Luckily none of that applies to me, though I can see the temptation of comparing some woman you'll never meet who had a history of "borrowing" the Hs of women she's never met, with someone you'd only recently met who wanted to borrow your lipstick. (As it happens, I'm not squeamish about sharing lippy either; I seldom use the stuff as I've always considered it "middle aged" and prefer lipgloss; but if someone wanted to borrow it I'd happily hand it over, if I had any on me.)

 

I wasn't comparing you to anyone, although your comment "I guess that makes me a man " did remind me of my friend. Not that you directly said I compared you...

 

As it happens I never wear lipstick either but my friend didn't spot that at the time. I don't wear it because I don't need to.

 

I don't think I would be willing to lend it to someone I barely knew though if I did happen to have some with me.

 

Actually the research I was responding to which claimed to back up that old chestnut "men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love" did state clearly that it was talking in averages and not in absolutes; that for MANY but not ALL women, they were MORE LIKELY to respond in that way (and mutatis mutandis for men) - which could be explained IMO as much through socialisation as through biology, since girls are raised to value lurve above sex and boys to value sex above love.

 

TBH, in my past I've neither used love to get sex or sex to get love. I've "used" sex to get sex, since that was what I wanted. The love stuff - I had more than enough of from other sources, I didn't need to bring that into the realm of sex where I felt it didn't belong.

 

With my H though it would be hard to delineate where one stopped and the other started. Sex is one way we express our love for each other, and one way we nurture our love. For us, sex produces love and love produces sex, in a virtuous circle that has no gendered asymmetries.

 

I can certainly relate to sex and love generating the other in a circular manner but expressing it as "a virtuous circle that has no gendered asymmetries" is not language I would use. I am a plain speaker...

 

 

My comments in bold.

Edited July 13, 2011 by SidLyon

[26pointblue]

YES, YES AND YES!!!

 

I could kiss you

 

Those are my precise sentiments...couldn't say it any better.

 

Ever since I have started living a more purposeful, intentional life, I've experienced so much more freedom and less mishaps and drama and things "just happening". I too realize how I was just floating along in life....these aspects really resonate as that is EXACTLY how I would describe it:

 

 

 

I'm learning and I'm glad I have learned at the start of my life so I can live intentionally for the bulk of it versus going around doing whatever, whenever, blissfully unaware and feeling like the victim of circumstances and "bad luck" (which was my favorite theory, I was so unfortunate and fated to strings of odd relationships/wanna-be-relationships ).

 

I also really like the idea that in order to attract a particular person into my life, I need to be that person myself and it's hypocritical to require the world from a man if I am not at that level; as if a man who's bringing the world wouldn't want the world himself.

 

But it comes down to living your life consciously choosing things, with your standards in place and being happy with yourself and developing self first and then extending that outwards versus living in a daze, being so "open minded" that your brain falls out (I was good at that at one point too, convincing myself that oh yea I'll try it, oh yea maybe I like it...smh when I just had weak boundaries ) and expecting fulfillment and validation from others and everything outside yourself and your control.

 

I fill like we have a lot in common! But I'm just arriving at these realizations & you seem to have known them for awhile, so, you're way ahead of me. ;-)

 

The bolded- I think about this a lot . . . and tell myself to be the type of person/ live the type of life of the person I want to date, & also not to date anyone 'beneath' me [as in, financially, education/career/ambition etc.] As far as the latter goes, I know there are always exceptions & I don't have rigid rules like 'must have a graduate degree' . . . I'm just looking for general compatibility/match. I would totally date a starving artist if he was passionate & hard-working & self-supporting [grants, selling his work, working other jobs on the side, etc.] I know there are circumstances in life which would cause a guy to change career paths, go back to school, etc. & I really don't think I'm too picky . . . I look at the entire situation with an understanding eye . . . but I still feel that where I live it's really hard to meet quality single guys!

 

I'm currently living in a smallish apartment, which suits me fine because it's just me & pets!, & I'm leasing the home I own to tenants so I can live more cheaply & save up money to start my own business [also my dog had very expensive surgery/vet bills after an emergency accident, so, that drained a lot of my funds & I needed to replenish them to accomplish my business/career goals.] So if I met a guy who was renting a rather ghetto-pad apartment like mine, ha ha, I would look at his situation & see why . . . what his goals are, where he's at, why he's living there . . . & really material things like houses & cars aren't important to me one bit, it's more his character & what he's making of himself & why.

 

Now, I do feel like I can be too understanding at first . . . I just got done dating [not for long, luckily] this younger guy who lived with his mom! To me that is incredibly unattractive [he had already graduated from college . . . I suppose that's an instance I could understand, but still, I worked in college to afford my room & board/rent, so, I don't have much sympathy . . .] but I tried to look at the entire circumstances. He told me he was applying to law school, & he has a kid he pays child support for & has shared custody of [another not ideal situation, but again, it seemed he was a good father & that the circumstances with the child's mother were out of his control, so, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt] & so living there helped him save money, & his mom helped out with his kid while he helped out with the house etc. Okay looking back there were red flags from the beginning but I was trying to be understanding [my biggest downfall!] & I guess I was hoping it would work out because he was cute, funny, & the sex was amazing [d#mn sex -- that's why I'm swearing it off for now, for real!!!!]. OH- & get this, I'd always have to go pick him up!! At first he said his car wasn't working & he was working on fixing it. Then it turned out he had bought some car to renovate- Idk, soup it up & make it some kind of supercar, he was really into cars & car shows [not my thing], & so it turned into, he's always having to work on his car, it doesn't run yet, it may never run, it gets horrible gas mileage, it can't go over speed bumps [???] . . . long story short, he never had a reliable mode of transportation & that meant I was picking him up at his mom's house all the time! Ewww.

 

Well after only dating him a few weeks I noticed all of these problems & more . . . he complained about him mom hating him & not getting along with her [so, hello, move out? . . . ], he complained about his kid's mom being crazy but at the same time, not being over her & saying she had broken his heart, he was really immature & made immature jokes & was just plain selfish. I began to see he was into me as a sugar momma & had mommy issues & just wanted someone to take care of him. I bet his mom even did his laundry & cooked for him. It was really ridiculous & I thought, WHAT am I putting up with him for? Sex?! Pu-lease.

 

Anyway, I sure went off on a tangent but I'm frustrated because it's so hard to find a good match. I'm tired of settling for less. So I'm just going to swear of dating & sex for awhile & 'date' myself. One thing I've been doing is thinking, what would I want a guy to do for me? And doing it for for myself. What would I be doing for a guy if I were in a relationship? And doing it for myself. This has made me much happier than dating losers or settling for less. I will keep on dating myself forever if it comes to that . . . better than that be annoyed by Momma's Boy all the time!