Can't cope (full story)

[L_L]

Alright, I want to start by saying I found this website a few weeks after my breakup with my girlfriend and have read a lot of threads. So I decided to post my own. All of you people seem to be really supportive and helpful.

 

This will be a very long read, so I do apologise in advance. I figured it would be best to give the story of our relationship. I'm not sure if this is the appropriate section, but it all ties in with helping me cope. I can pretty much recite almost every conversation we ever had, I had a photographic memory when it came to her. I will try not to list pointless things.

 

So first off. This was both of our first serious relationships, her first altogether. When we met I was 19 and she was 17. Our relationship lasted just over a year. In the beginning our contact was very limited because I live out of town and neither of us had a license at the time, I had to bus to university and she was still in school. We met through a mutual friend. The girl who I will refer to as E was a close friend of both me and my ex, who I will now refer to as K. E was one of my best friends since primary school and had been K's best friend for the last year.

When I first met K I was drunk and speaking honestly I wasn't all that attracted to her initially. However something captivated me about her, when she spoke I felt drawn to listen to every word she said and when I spoke it felt like I was speaking more to her then anyone else.

 

The rest is history and we hit it off from there. I told her that it was her personality I was drawn too from the beginning, but each time I saw her she looked more and more beautiful in my eyes. At first she was very reluctant to my advances. She believed I was far too attractive for her, but I had never felt the need to pursue someone in my life like I did her. She interested me so much, it was amazing.

 

Now I will go ahead and mention that she was a little overweight at this stage and was/still is extremely insecure about everything, her appearance being one of the main ones. I did not care at all. I was honestly just drawn to her. For the first couple months of our relationship, until I got my license, it was mostly over the phone. Only getting to see each other here and there. One of the first things I did notice is that she wasn't a very sociable person and would seem to come off very cold and non caring when my friends or anybody would try to get to know her. Basically, emotionally she was extremely stubborn about her own opinions, ideals and perspectives on things and she wouldn't budge.

 

She judged people a lot and after the first time meeting most of my friends hated them (It always made me uncomfortable how much she threw around that word.) But her reasoning for hating them was because they judged her, I could already see she was a bit of a hypocrite. Regardless I was still very drawn to her. This feeling was so foreign to me.

We discussed love and I admitting I had ended most of my past relationships because my partner had said those words far too soon for me, and I would feel as if I was leading them on.

 

Fast forward to 4 months into our relationship. She was spending the night and lying in bed together. I also should mention we were both virgins too. I wanted to save my first for someone I actually felt I loved, corny I know. We had discussed this and it actually turned into an argument. Her saying sex was about respect, which I can agree with. But I said to her the first time for me is all about love. She kept saying no it has nothing to do with love, it's respect. Again this was another moment where I could truly tell how stubborn and unbending she is. She always treated her opinion as fact.

 

We were lying there discussing us and she mentioned that one of my close friends told her that I would be very reluctant to say I love you, even if I was feeling it. This really ruined the mood at the time and I left the room for a few minutes to think. I then came back in, kissed her and told her truthfully that I loved her. She cried and said she loved me too.

 

Now this is obviously where the relationship started to intensify. I began to see how much her insecurities effected us and made her jealous. Now that I look back, this attachment describes her perfectly.

Anxious/ambivalent attachments: They often worry that their partners don't really love them or would leave them. They find it easier to fall in love, but feel as if their partner did not get as close to them as they themselves want. Their love experiences tend to be marked with obsessiveness, jealousy, and high degrees of sexual attraction. Their relationships tend to last about half as long as those with secure attachments.

I'll also add here that I believe K has bipolar. She changed councilors regularly cause she didn't like what they said. I brought it up with her a few times over the course of the relationship and she got extremely upset each time, so I dropped it.

 

Now this began to show. The first victim of her jealousy was the close friend to both of us, E. I will admit that me and her did share a close relationship. K became jealous and started telling me a lot of terrible things about E, trying to get me to dislike her. But then to E's face they were still best friends. I listened to what K had to say and didn't become mad at her, just told her to take all these issues up with E, not me.

A month later E approached me and told me that K had told her something that she felt she should share with me. K had approached E crying (she did this an awful lot, she was a very depressed person at times and highly happy at others. She'd even make things up just to cry about.) She said that she knew she was experiencing extreme mood swings and she wanted to get help, but her family didn't have the money. E and I decided that we would chip on whatever money was needed, we both loved her so much. We were trying to think of ways too approach her family about it too. Who are wonderful people I would add. All of them have some kind of problem ie depression, addicted to pain killers etc. But are all wonderful people.

 

At this time we were also making plans to move to a new city together. K, E and I. We had only been dating for 6 months or so, but I was really in love with K and I wanted to take that chance with her. She said I was so in love cause she cast a love spell on me, she was very into tarot and things of that nature. We had quite a few great spiritual conversations, it all interested me greatly.

At this point though, everything exploded. She got involved in a few things to do with fighting with my friends (she instigated) and finally confronted E about all the problems she brought up with me.

 

Long story short she hated all my friends and made me chose between her and E. I chose K. All the moving plans went out the window (which she still holds against me now for some reason). The worst part was from here on, even though I didn't speak to E for 8 months. K always treated the subject of E like I had chosen E all along. I didn't even hesitate in choosing K. E contacted me a week after the fight about maybe spending sometime together cause she was in a rough patch. I told K and she rung me up screaming and swearing at me acting as if I had done something wrong, and when her mum entered the room telling her to stop yelling at me she started screaming "You don't know what he f***ing done to me" over and over. I had done nothing. I knew I should tell her straight away. I never said yes to E. E did cause a fight between me and K when she told me K had lied about events that happened at a party. I won't get into it, but she lied to me about what happened with a guy and said someone else had given him her number etc. Which wasn't true.

 

I forgave all this cause we had only been dating for a short time when this happened. And she has no experiences with mens advances. Especially older successful men, which I will admit she is one of those girls who always wants an older man because she is so "mature". She always said she wished I was 3 or 5 years older. Which I then replied with, "well I wouldn't be dating a 17 yr old if I was". Even though she believes she's very mature, in a lot of ways she is. But there are many where she is very naive and I explained this to her. She didn't have many friends during the earlier years of hs. So she made a lot of adult friends and in turn they called her mature. Which went to her head.

 

From here more and more jealousy and insecurity began to show. It got to the point where I couldn't even go out with my mates without her bothering me with ambiguous texts, trying desperately to ruin my night, seemingly. I should state that not once have I ever cheated on someone or even came close. I have self control and believe cheating is a horrible thing. I wanted K and only K. No matter how often she'd act like she didn't deserve me and I was 10/10 and she was only a 2. She wasn't. I honestly started to believe she was the most beautiful girl in the world. She didn't however and made me banish all female friends I had, which I foolishly did.

 

I won't get into it in detail but this kind of thing did continue throughout the whole relationship. I didn't apply any restrictions on her. I let her go out with male friends whenever she pleased. So we were pretty much living with a seperate set of rules. I honestly just wanted her to feel secure and happy. I loved her.

 

In october I got my license. And from that point on I was with her all the time. She worked in a small family business and I would literally drive there at the start of her shift and sit there the entire day keeping her company. I just cherished moments spent with her. I would always have things like her favourite flowers etc. And she was always said she had never been so happy, or felt so good in her life. Everybody agree.

I finally got to meet her family etc and they all turned out a lot nicer and friendlier then she had described. I took her to her formal (our version of prom) etc. But the whole time she was depressed and sad so we sat outside for most of it. Her mother looked really apologetic. K also wouldn't let me talk to people I knew that night.

What I'm getting at with these stories is she was very obsessive and controlling of me. And always experiencing bipolar esq mood swings. Even though I did everything I could to make her feel loved and secure.

I never brought my suspicions of bipolar up with her family, which I now regret.

 

So after the formal she told me her and her close friend who I will name roomie, were moving to a city about 2 hr and 30 mins away together. She did not invite me at all. But at the time luckily 2 of my bfs were going to be moving to the same city, so I jumped on board with them. We made heaps of plans and bought stuff together. Then after this had already happend K got really upset with me because she assumed I was going to go live with her and her roomie, without actually telling me.

 

I feel as if I have already written way too much so I will go to point form

 

-She said she'd never come over to my place cause she didn't like my friends (they'd done nothing to her other then talk to me when she had upset me, which she found unacceptable. I was not allowed to talk to friends about us)

 

-She got a place because of her roomies mums contacts, we didn't. I decided not to move in with her at that time cause I told her I didn't know if I could live with two girls and just me. It was also because of the way she was behaving. She told me she hated my mum and wished she'd die. All because my mum told me that she couldn't handle seeing her son who had only ever be happy in his life, be stressed out by a girl. She did not think we were right (nobody on my side did and later after we broke up even some of her friends told me I was far too good for her

 

-I'll also add because of all the dramas I did almost break up with her twice. But I just loved her too much and she always managed to convince to keep giving her chances. That she was changing for me. I want to note again that I didn't demand changes. Oh, and she had also lost a lot of weight by this stage, like 6 or more dress sizes. Her physical beauty was beginning to show as much as I had seen it all along. Plus the sex was always very good.

 

-Even though she moved and I didn't. I transferred to a Uni close to her. So every week I would be able to go spend time with her. Which I did. I lived with her half the week. Starting from February.

 

-Everything between just the two of us was going great. She was still jealous and insecure, still suffering from mood swings, but I loved her so much. She kept telling me how she couldn't live without me and that she wanted to marry me and have kids right now. That she'd not be able to live without me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me etc. Not on one off occasions, but everyday. At first I was resistant to all this, being of a more sound logical mind then her. But over the last few months of our relationship, I feel into the forever and ever pit alongside her. I honestly wanted nothing more then to wake up beside her and fall asleep next to her every night. She said the only time she felt great and beautiful was with me.

 

 

-One thing our relationship lacked was a lot of going out together. We practically spent all our time together in her room. We only went out to things like galleries a couple of times. But this was because she said she just wanted to be with me and didn't need fancy things. Even on valentines and our one year when I wanted to take her to dinner or something she said she just only wanted to hold me in bed.

 

-I'd even stopped seeing my friends really. I was giving her exactly what she wanted. Me and only me.

 

-Because petrol money was becoming an issue and the days I needed to be at uni increased. (The uni I transferred too was still over an hour from her location). I decided I had to transfer back down to my uni at home. Now we were going great at this stage so I honestly thought this would not be a problem. I told her that she may even need to start busing down to me on occasion, until we move together at the end of the year. (She never even tried to get her license). She seemed very reluctant to this which really upset me, she'd always said she would do anything to be with me.

 

 

-All this forever talk carried on literally til she broke it off with me in June.

Everything was going fantastic and we hadn't fought in awhile, she was even becoming a lot less insecure and it was great. We were making plans to move together and start a new life at the end of the year. She was saying crazy things like she loved me so much she'd kill herself if I wanted.

 

-The start of June came and a couple of weeks before she told me that she felt bad about all the things she had done in the past and wanted to start from scratch. I said I realise we both made a lot of mistakes, it was our first realtionship and we were growing together, you can't expect much better. So I agreed to this.

At the start of June she got a job so dropped out of tafe (our version of CC). I knew she would be a lot happier because there were people upsetting her at tafe. I decided to use this fortnight to not see her and go over our relationship and be able to start fresh. I didn't really contact her over this time, which was intentional. I was writing a letter for her and I didn't want to give it all away. It got to the point where I decided I was going to propose to her soon, cause she kept bringing it up and I kept jokingly saying she'd have to propose to me.

I decided I wanted to marry her.

 

-When I drove to her she was acting very strange. She didn't seem excited at all to see me. She kept talking about how great work was but wouldn't really say much other then the people were great.

It was the long weekend and I was hoping we could go on a roadtrip we'd wanted since January. But she told me she had a dinner to go to, a double date for us so I didn't even bring the road trip up.

I had a shower and I caught her talking about a co worker with her roomie, an older guy who she had been speaking with a lot. He'd been telling her the typical "you're so mature etc". He had said she looks like Anne hathaway with her hair down. Now K hated compliments, even from me she would blow most of them off and we've other people she'd just get mad. But I couldn't help but always give them to her.

Also, she hates Anne, her most hated actress. So naturally I expected her to say what a dick this guy was, but she got all happy and excited about it. I honestly thought she might have a crush, but it didn't bother me cause I knew little things like that were bound to happen eventually.

 

-The next morning I brought up how strange she was acting and she just started crying and said that something had changed her over my 2 week absence. That her heart loved me incredibly but her brain said she didn't deserve me and needed change.

I took it all too well and held her and comforted her, saying things like "it's ok, no one is the same person at 21 as they were at 17, people change". I still regret how well I originally took it.

 

-A week went by and we talked so I drove up to see her. I didn't want to give up. We had two days of some great sex and I left with her the letter I had been writing for her. She hadn't made her mind up yet I said I honestly can't deal with it. I left and she messaged me that she was honestly the most lucky girl in the world to have me and that there is no way she will ever feel so beautiful again and no way she could ever deserve me.

 

-Over the next 2 or so weeks every thing went to hell. She would not give me answers why she was leaving me other then the not deserving me bs or even saying things like I always loved E more, which was not true at all. I wanted to give my life to K. I was not handling any of this well so sadly I kept texting her as I fell more and more into a depression.

I will admit right now a lot of the texts were ridiculous, but I needed some answers. She had complained of nothing and made me out to be perfect to people. Even her friends started contacting me trying to help me.

 

Eventually her best friend had a fight with her about us. He felt like she had used me to make herself comfortable and beautiful and had now found someone else and had decided to discard me.

She went crazy and started making outlandish claims about me. Saying I never made her happy and I was a terrible person who got joy out of making her feel ugly. She messaged me telling me to stop pretending as if I was so some gentlemen, cause she never seen it. And more things of that kind. I will admit I acted like a bitch and kept trying to talk her around saying that I could do better I never knew any of this I am sorry etc.

 

The fact that I believed she had bipolar didn't even occur to me at this point I was just so devastated. The last 3 months or so had held no signs like the rest of the relationship, so I pretty much forgot about it. We were going to have children together and get married damn it. So I asked her why she never communicated her problems to me. She said she was happier now cause she no longer felt compelled to change for me. This is when I realised what was going on in her head. She said I laughed at her every time she cried. I don't even know what to say to that. I was the bf who even cried with his partner sometimes cause she was in so much pain.

She has gone and done to me what she has done to so many people in the past. Completely flipped their relationship without warning.

I seen her do this a lot. She hated everyone behind their back, but to their faces everything was perfect. I was worried about her doing this to me too. So I had asked her. She said she loved me more then anything in the world and that she was open and honest with me, that she would never hide things from me.

 

So now it's one two things. Either the entire relationship, the happiest year of my life so far, spent with the girl I wanted to spend it all with was in actuality, a lie.

Or everything she's saying since we have broken up is a lie.

 

I haven't been eating or sleeping well. Today marks a week of NC and I'm not handling. I know and see all these terrible faults in her. But she made me feel so amazing and I love her so much. She practically hates me now, because she has chosen to believe the BS she is saying. She did this with other friends too and i've actually spoken to some since the break up. She did the same thing to them that she's just done to me.

 

I want her to contact me, I want her back. I know I am being so very weak but I honest to god wanted my future to be with her. When we were together things were unbelievable.

I wish I had pushed the bipolar talk more when we were together. Or at least brought it up with her family.

 

I'm very sorry for the long read. I just can't understand this at all. Going from the only thing that understood and made her happy. To the opposite almost over night.

[Nohbody]

Of course you know that what you are feeling is not unusual if you've been lurking around. The truth is... people don't really know why they do anything (or so psych 101 taught me). Every explanation we put forth is an after the fact rationalization for the most part. It doesn't help right now, but all the old advice immediately comes up: Focus on you, maintain NC, etc. This girl has issues that she needs to resolve for herself if she is going to be able to be in a committed and healthy relationship, and hopefully she will see that at some point. All you can do now is deal with what you can control, and as hard as it is you have to accept that you will probably never understand 'why?'.

Good luck.

[keepsmilin74]

I'm no expert and I'm also new to these relationships forum but it seems to me this girl is TOXIC. I understand you're very hurt and want things back the way they were, I'm sorry for your pain You're doing well so far letting her go. I think you have a long painful time of healing ahead of you, stay strong!

[L_L]

Thank you for the replies.

 

I do know she's toxic. But I've already been through a lot with her. I would have stood by her side through so much more. I would have put up with insane bipolar rages because I do love her.

 

I've just never felt so certain about something or someone in my life. She was even disgusted by the thought of her ever being with another man. She had no desires for other men at all. She said she couldn't handle if I even had a passing desire for someone else.

 

But I did always maintain throughout the relationship that I believed her idle man would be a "yes man" who would tell her exactly what she wanted to hear. Talk down about people with her etc. Maybe that's what she always did with me. Even though I always asked for blunt honesty.

I would always play devils advocate and try to resolve her arguments with people and make her see there side. Cause she never could.

 

It would always amuse me somewhat when we'd have an argument and she'd start claiming that I was all the traits that she herself is guilty of. It was like sometimes she actually projected herself onto me.

And she would always end pretty much every argument saying that she loved me even more then she did at the beginning of the argument.

 

Like I said. Our relationship lacked a lot of excitement. But that was her doing. She would tell me she hated surprises and spontaneity and it was true. When I organised a surprise for Valentines Day. Bunches of her 3 favourite flowers I had to organise for me to pick them up on Valentines. 3 days earlier she rung me and really wanted me to come up the next day. I kept telling her I couldn't and I had my reasons. She started going psycho on the phone, as if I was cheating on her or something. I ended up having to blurt out, well maybe a f***ing organized a surprise for Valentines Day and I can't come up before.

 

Her insecurities always made her so suspicious. I literally cut of contact with all girls, there was nothing to fear. She told me when we broke up she felt I was always lying to her. I didn't. I was truthful to the point it would hurt her at times.

[keepsmilin74]

L_L you seem very astute and feel very deeply, you obviously love her... but do consider you were an "enabler", sorry that does NOT help. Her issues (which you mentioned may be bipolar, so clinically treatable??) need to be addressed, not covered up by your love and self sacrifice. She's broken and will keep hurting herself, and you. Stick with the NC and perhaps contact her family regarding the bipolar theory, without mentioning your name or that breaks NC, I think. I believe you love her and if it takes letting go to see her get better, you can do it!

[Treble Clef]

L_L, you seem like a very big-hearted person to be able to feel love even after everything you've been through. I'm really sorry for your pain. -hugs-

[bigmomma1974]

you keep saying shes bipolar, to me it sounds like she has borderline personality disorder not bipolar. She plays the manipulation role to a T. Stay away she wont change until she hits rock bottom, trust me I know I have Bipolar and i don't think she is think borderline fits her better. Stay away heal your heart and find someone that desereves your love, kindness and respect. You seem like a nice young man.

[L_L]

keepsmilin74:

I do understand that in a way I did enable her. I honestly just couldn't bare with making her upset about the issue. That's why now when she makes out I upset her so much and enjoyed it too, it hurts so deeply.

 

I will admit she cried a lot about me. But most of it was because she made what if scenarios in her head. Things like, what if he cheated, what if he left me? etc. She'd cry about them and then take it out on me as if I had done them. I'm still very suspect about contacting her family. I know for a fact her father does think she has some issues... but she never really wanted me to get too close with her family. I would feel out of place saying something now.

They seem like quite a private family, private people. Where as I am open and honest with things.

 

 

Thank you treble clef. I could use a hug.

 

I generally feel it's more personal if people know at least what you look like

 

Here's me

http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg3/Foolish_Person/Picture0039-1.jpg

 

you keep saying shes bipolar, to me it sounds like she has borderline personality disorder not bipolar. She plays the manipulation role to a T. Stay away she wont change until she hits rock bottom, trust me I know I have Bipolar and i don't think she is think borderline fits her better. Stay away heal your heart and find someone that desereves your love, kindness and respect. You seem like a nice young man.

 

Wow, I actually didn't even think of BPD. It really does fit her behaviors to a T. I felt a lot of love for her family and friends too. Her best friend contacted me and said he looked up to me throughout the relationship. He knows how hard it is to deal with her at times. He said he wasn't meaning to offend me, but I practically worshiped her. He was right.

 

I do know its better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

This just should not have been the end in my mind. She was so much happier with life and we could have continued growing together.

 

Edit:

It's actually funny in a way that she all along accused E of have BPD. It would be fitting of her to protect herself onto another.

 

I spoke to E the other week. She doesn't resent me at all and completely understands. She told me a few things K told her before their friendship fell apart.

She said she knew she couldn't keep me forever, even if I wanted to stay. Cause deep down she wanted to date all kinds of men. The musician, Painter etc. (She said the opposite when we were together)

She also said that she wanted a piece of me for life though. She wanted me to get her pregnant. The last time we were together she made me blow in her twice. No pill.

But she assured me she had her period since then, last time we spoke. I doubt she'd do that. Cause she was the one who initiated NC.

Edited July 12, 2011 by L_L

[L_L]

Still struggling. I spoke to a student health person at my University for other reasons the other day and she noticed something was up so we ended up talking about the relationship.

She booked me in to see a councilor next week. Never seen one before.

 

The memories and lack of sleep are still making this difficult for me. I honestly felt we would both do anything for each other. We'd always argue that neither of us would truly understand the scope of our love for the other.

But I just don't know why all these things are being said now. Why she is being spiteful and acting as if she has held grudges against me all along.

 

Speaking with my mother last night I did realise small things. The first 8 or so times I drove up she'd come running down the stairs to great me. The next 8 she'd stand on the balcony and wave. The next 8 she'd come out and then go back inside. And the last 8 or so times she didn't even come out to check. These could all be small signs she was losing interest. But her words never showed it at all. They got more and more intense.

 

She also never really remembered things, like she'd need me to constantly reassure her about my feelings. But she'd also even forget entire conversations. I watched one of her favourite movies one time, without her asking. We spoke of it afterwards and we both took almost the exact same perspectives away from the movie. She said it had honestly made her fall more in love with me.

A couple weeks before we broke up, she brought up that movie and asked if I had ever seen it. I was shocked and I think it made her feel stupid. But she couldn't even remember the conversation.

 

I always thought with the one you love you tend to try and remember everything they say? I know I did.

[L_L]

I drafted an email I would like to send to her, but I honestly don't know if I should. I want to be one of those people who can maintain contact with their first love. There was and is so much I enjoy about her, even now. Even when I can now see how many large faults I glossed over, thinking I could live with them because loving her was the best feeling I'd ever felt.

 

We haven't spoken in two weeks. We used to send 20+ texts a day. Something in my gut tells me she honestly did find another and that is why she is so easily moving on.

Before she could not handle a day without speaking to me and if I didn't reply within an hour half the time she would keep texting me a bunch of times. I always found it really cute, but now see it was a fair bit obsessive.

 

I'm so surprised I fell so deeply into it all. Early in the relationship we had serious talks about the fact that we only wanted one another, we didn't actually need each other. She despised girls who made their man their world and I agreed completely, but then she did it to me. I brought this up with her and she said those things were said before she fell in love with me and now she believed she needed me in her life and couldn't live without me. It took me sometime but I eventually felt the same way and promised her all the things she wanted. She would make me promise nightly that I would be hers and hers alone forever. She made the same promises to me countless times.

I tend to want to keep my promises. I believe your word is your bond.

[L_L]

I was just randomly musing and I did realise something that unintentionally happened on my side of things. I became very boring. She made me stop doing a lot of the things that made me, me. So I actually wouldn't have exciting things to talk about all that often. Just had this randomly pop up in my head.

[keepsmilin74]

Goodluck with the counseling you're pretty smart and starting to see clearly on your own but an objective 3rd party to talk to can be relieving. A sanity check when such a big change in your young life occurred.

[L_L]

So I sent her a text the other day asking whether or not she had received her stuff in the mail and sent mine back. She replied saying I just completely forgot etc. Asked me how I was.

I told her I had an email that I would like to send her way and she said I could if I wanted but she didn't think it was neccessary, showing her classic coldness.

 

I actually changed my email so didn't have hers. I sent a text yesterday asking if she did receive it, she said no. I said I must have got the email wrong because I had made a new one for uni purposes while we were dating and because she never used msn I didn't bother to add her.

She replied with, ahh well, take care. She has this massive problem with the phrase take care. I said it to her once and she flipped out because in her head it's the thing you say to someone you really don't plan on talking to or seeing for a long time. I thought f8ck it. I'll take one last shot at trying to salvage some kind of future friendship, even though she's being a cold bitch.

 

I replied saying "I will. I want to thank you for the amazing year. Trust me when I say you helped me grow as a man and set me on a better path. You had many positive influences on me and you've helped me learn and shape changes I need to make for the future. I hope you get all you want out of life and I would love if you shoot me a line or email every now and again. It was a pleasure getting to know you."

 

She didn't reply. And I can actually see how misinterpreting that message to have hidden messages against her, or whatever it is she does all the time. I just want us to be able to civil in the future. I truly did love her and I don't want to be another one of those people she just tosses aside when she is done with them.

[JaneyAmazed]

So I sent her a text the other day asking whether or not she had received her stuff in the mail and sent mine back. She replied saying I just completely forgot etc. Asked me how I was.

I told her I had an email that I would like to send her way and she said I could if I wanted but she didn't think it was neccessary, showing her classic coldness.

 

I actually changed my email so didn't have hers. I sent a text yesterday asking if she did receive it, she said no. I said I must have got the email wrong because I had made a new one for uni purposes while we were dating and because she never used msn I didn't bother to add her.

She replied with, ahh well, take care. She has this massive problem with the phrase take care. I said it to her once and she flipped out because in her head it's the thing you say to someone you really don't plan on talking to or seeing for a long time. I thought f8ck it. I'll take one last shot at trying to salvage some kind of future friendship, even though she's being a cold bitch.

 

I replied saying "I will. I want to thank you for the amazing year. Trust me when I say you helped me grow as a man and set me on a better path. You had many positive influences on me and you've helped me learn and shape changes I need to make for the future. I hope you get all you want out of life and I would love if you shoot me a line or email every now and again. It was a pleasure getting to know you."

 

She didn't reply. And I can actually see how misinterpreting that message to have hidden messages against her, or whatever it is she does all the time. I just want us to be able to civil in the future. I truly did love her and I don't want to be another one of those people she just tosses aside when she is done with them.

 

I don't why but this thread caught my eye. I don't usually post in this section. I just had to try to stop the madness! :laugh:The bolded statement may be your wish, but at this point it is out of your control. You can't make her react or behave a certain way. You have done all you can. To text anything else or write anything else to her may start to irritate her if it hasn't already. It sucks, but do something nice for yourself...stop communicating with this chick! You know what "take care" means. It doesn't require a reply.

[L_L]

I don't why but this thread caught my eye. I don't usually post in this section. I just had to try to stop the madness! :laugh:The bolded statement may be your wish, but at this point it is out of your control. You can't make her react or behave a certain way. You have done all you can. To text anything else or write anything else to her may start to irritate her if it hasn't already. It sucks, but do something nice for yourself...stop communicating with this chick! You know what "take care" means. It doesn't require a reply.

Before I saw this reply I foolishly sent the email through facebook. I then regretted it straight away and sent a message just saying that I don't think she should read it etc. I know it irriatates her. Everything she doesn't actually want to happen irritates her ha.

 

Just put it out there that I have moved on but would like to be able to stay in contact.

I was so annoyed that I did it after I did it. I have to be less hasty. I'm at the point where I don't really mind if she is nasty about it, I'm expecting it. I just know that when she gets herself sorted there is a beautiful person underneath and I would like to still know that person in the future. She shares interests no one else shares with me. I miss those conversations, even if they aren't filled with love.

[L_L]

Oh and the counciling went quite well. We went well over time because she was really interested in it all. There were a number of times where she was even taken away by the things I said to and did for my ex. She honestly believes there is definitely some kind of personality disorder in my ex.

 

I really want to make myself move on completely. I honestly do feel a lot better. But for some reason not contacting her makes me feel as if I'm giving up on her, I know it's she who has given up on me.

[L_L]

She never replied to the message I sent and as you guys can tell it was not bad in any way. It was just nice.

 

So I'm calling this the end. I'd love to be able to stay in contact. I can move past all the "I want nothing more then to spend my life with you" lines. But she's the way she is. I know she'll probably never budge and contact me.

 

It saddens me to think that I had such a wonderful year with her and we both felt as if we wanted marriage and children eventually and now she doesn't even want to speak to me.

She won't regret it, but she should.

[L_L]

For the last half hour I haven't been able to stop thinking about her and all the promises of the future. All the just really nice genuine moments.

 

It's really bothering me so I thought I'd vent here rather then trying to contact her. I guess I'm still going through stages where I really miss her and the love that blossomed between us.

[L_L]

It's been 2 weeks since my last post.

 

We started having small contact. Just little conversation here and there over facebook. She said she was glad we didn't hate each other etc.

 

But then it all changed as soon as E put a photo up of me and her and I made it my DP on facebook. The very next message she sent me was telling me to remove the picture of me and her from her 18th cause it makes her sick.

She just started being a bitch and saying **** like "well I'm sure e will take care of it for you".

I just put it to her point blank and said, look it seems like you've changed your mind about being happy we are talking, do you just not want to talk to me anymore.

Her reply was, yes have a nice life.

This week was rough for me because I've had constant dreams of her. It's still hurting me so much. I'm finding it hard to forget all the many times she swore to me forever and ever and made me promise to never leave her cause she can't live without me

 

*sigh*

This is no fun at all. Worst part is even though she was so insane about me I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't miss me at all. She's good at cutting things out of her life.

[reimeivn]

Just her personality Believe me she did love you and needed you a lot at some points. Her emotions just got out of control and one day, after thinking it through, she really doesnt need you in her life. Doesnt mean she doesnt love you.

 

I have a lot in similarity with your ex, even though i came no where to the line. In the end we actually solved that problem of hanging out outside the room and it was always his friends i came out of my way to hang out with anyways. I dont know about you but it just seems like my ex would talk like you. "she is my best friend"..." when?" or things like that, you know, always giving me this feeling that he has a separate life that he hides from me. And he did.

 

The point is not to spend every minute of the day together but to be honest and share things that build the trust between the two people.

 

I dont know what to say about this but she is not that crazy. Its her first time falling in love so yeah she will be a bit crazy like that. Bottom line, this is a toxic relationship. My ex behaved like your ex in a lot of ways too. And he would even be the one who would hurt me, and then cries out the first that I hurt him by telling him that. He ven dumped me in the meanest way possible, and then posted on facebook that every inch of his body was in pain. So people actually think that I hurt him. Really wtf. I cant be with somebody like that, its not gonna work whatesoever.

 

I believe that if you look closely into your relationship, you will see things that make it unworkable. So think long term, and dont be sad about her tossing you away. It just make it easier for you to move on and not look back.

[L_L]

Just her personality Believe me she did love you and needed you a lot at some points. Her emotions just got out of control and one day, after thinking it through, she really doesnt need you in her life. Doesnt mean she doesnt love you.

 

I have a lot in similarity with your ex, even though i came no where to the line. In the end we actually solved that problem of hanging out outside the room and it was always his friends i came out of my way to hang out with anyways. I dont know about you but it just seems like my ex would talk like you. "she is my best friend"..." when?" or things like that, you know, always giving me this feeling that he has a separate life that he hides from me. And he did.

 

The point is not to spend every minute of the day together but to be honest and share things that build the trust between the two people.

 

I dont know what to say about this but she is not that crazy. Its her first time falling in love so yeah she will be a bit crazy like that. Bottom line, this is a toxic relationship. My ex behaved like your ex in a lot of ways too. And he would even be the one who would hurt me, and then cries out the first that I hurt him by telling him that. He ven dumped me in the meanest way possible, and then posted on facebook that every inch of his body was in pain. So people actually think that I hurt him. Really wtf. I cant be with somebody like that, its not gonna work whatesoever.

 

I believe that if you look closely into your relationship, you will see things that make it unworkable. So think long term, and dont be sad about her tossing you away. It just make it easier for you to move on and not look back.

 

For the first 7 or so months I said that we weren't right for each other, that we didn't necessarily need each other, we just enjoyed each others company and loved each other. We ended up finding a lot of similar interests and things that we connected on, even on very fundamental levels, but there were a lot of differences. But she convinced me that we were meant to be. She had a reading that told her we were an ancient love that had spent lifetimes together. She truly believed this and believed our love was stronger then anyone elses. She felt we could even be something like a modern day romeo and juliet. SPOILERS: Romeo and Juliet ended up dieing and never actually got to really know each other. They died before they even hit a real relationship haha.

But I believed in her and her incredibly strong belief in me being the one actually made me believe it too. So I did fall into the whole forever and ever plot. Because I honestly trusted and just believed everything she said. I gave her my entire loyalty. As she did for me.

 

She's a very private person, or so she says. She likes to have a sense of being private. She wouldn't want me to talk about our relationship at all with anyone, she called it inviting people into us. I can understand this, but the thing is I should at least be able to talk to my mother. Especially when I know that she herself doesn't keep to this rule. Every single time I would make her the slightest bit upset about something, I see a facebook status a little bit later which is obviously directed at me. Something like "way to be so incensitive" etc. This really pissed me off because for someone who always complained about privacy, she was opening it up to everybody when she felt like it.

But that was the kind of person she was. When it suits her kind of person. Her opinions and ideals would change so frequently to suit whatever mood she was in. It was kind of scary.

 

I'm pretty much the opposite. I'm open, completely. I don't like to hide things, I like to be honest. I tried extra with her because of how insecure she is. I'd let her know every secret, everything I was thinking or what I was doing, no matter if it made me look stupid. Because I wanted her to know that I would always be upfront with her. Sure I'd let little arguments go if they weren't a big deal to me, little jealous thoughts that I knew would just go away.

 

But yeah I can see now that it COULD have worked. But the way we were going it wouldn't. I was too willing to openly compromise. But to her she was the one always compromising, even if she wouldn't tell me exactly what she had compromised.

 

We had a lot of attitude differences too. She was a bitchy gossipy person. I have always had very few female friends cause I honestly can't handle those things to well. I'm too opinionated and end up sticking up for people I don't even know and get into s*** with the people bitching haha.

She also had this idea that anything her, or her friends/family believed in or enjoyed was a lot better or more right then what anyone else did.

Examples.

 

She has a full brother and sister. Live together, share the same parents. I have a half sister, different father but we have always lived together. She honestly tried to tell me that my sister was not my sister and I would never understand a true brother and sister relationship and connection...

Are you kidding me? I love my sister as much as you humanly can. Even though she hates her brother half the time I can respect that they obviously do love each other as much as a brother and sister should. But she honestly believe me and my sister could never be a "proper" brother and sister.

Also just simple things like. If she enjoys something, a kind of hobby. It is obviously better and more productive then anyone elses hobbies. She honestly couldn't respect other peoples interests. Or if her friends dressed up like fools for a party she would find it endearing and funny. But if my friends did the exact same things it's obviously immature, stupid and ridiculous. Not fun or enjoyable at all.

These things always just f***ed with me. Not in a big way, but I guess things like this would have gotten worse over time. Her strict belief that things it her life are somehow better then things in others. Another one was she hated where i grew up cause we jokingly, 100% jokingly had a "crew". It was just for laughs and it was just an easy way to group all of us boys (who went through primary school and are still best friends) together.

She absolutely hated this and would always talk down about it and say how disgusting our relationships were and how we were not independent of each other etc. How stupid it was. But the thing is, it wasn't real. Yeah we spent a lot of time together, not because we couldn't live without each other. But purely because we enjoyed each others company. We all had other friends, relationships etc. But we are best friends, we liked hanging out. None of us had ever had a fight with each other.

The worst part was where she grew up she also had a "crew". So while she would talk down and say how disgusting and immature mine was, she would talk hers up constantly like they were the coolest things ever and we were all just incredibly lame...

 

I know this was something I had to go through, to learn life really. The feeling of betrayal is just hard to swallow. And the dreams...they kill.

But I now know for future reference, to not change who I am to try and please somebody. I realise now that I practically gave up everything that made me, me. I became incredibly boring because I'd even be a little worried to leave the house, just incase a girl sees me and my gf disapproves. It was ridiculous now when I look back, how I cut off all contact with women completely. Just to make her feel more secure, although it actually never seemed to help. S*** I even remember a couple times where she would ring me all excited about something. We'd get to talking and she'd ask me what I did today. Any time I EVER mentioned doing something and there was a girl there, or mention I ran into an old friend who happened to be a girl. Her attitude would go from too and she'd almost instantly go to "well, yeah I'm just going to go now". So talking to girls just wasn't worth making my gf become cold and distant towards me.

 

My posts seem to always be so long haha but I actually just sent a message to a friend who I only talk to online. We were discussing how confusing girls can be and it made me think of this time with my ex so I will share it here too

 

For christmas I was getting her a ticket to this massive concert, the biggest one they have in Australia. I already had my own. I thought it would be nice to go together and the whole bundle that goes with it, road trip etc. Two of my friends were going so I thought we could all go together. K said she didn't want to go with them and that she didn't actually even want to spend the day there with me. I was obviously hurt but I was like "whatever, I know that's just what she's like". Even when I offered for me and her to just go together she shot it down and said she honestly didn't want to spend the day there with me, even though I was happy to go see all her acts. I love all music so it was no big deal.

So then one night. A week or so before I was supposed to get her ticket off her brothers friend, her family took us all out to dinner. We were all sitting there talking and what not and then k brought up the concert. She said "so have you taken care of accomodation for us and how we are getting there?" I just kind of looked at her blankly for a whole minute and then said. Wtf are you talking about? I'm going with my friends, you said you would find your own way there and didn't want to stay with us or even spend the day with me. She literally spent the rest of the night super moody and even had her head down on the table for like 10 minutes. Her little sister heard the whole convo and was just shaking her head.

So a couple days later she sends me a text saying "so don't want to go to the concert anymore hey, but you enjoy yourself". This was a f***ing week before christmas and then she bitched I didn't get her a christmas present. But she got me nothing on my birthday so I thought we were even. (I'll add here that I didn't have my license at the time and had no way of getting her anything on such short notice cause I lived out of town and she refused me getting her a late present or doubling up on her b'day, cause her bday was in January, shes a capricorn.)

 

She definitely portrays maturity. Especially the moody don't talk to anyone at the dinner table and put my head down like a small child. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. But then that night it was back too the "Oh baby I can't live without you, you are my only source of happiness etc etc"

 

I'm TRYING to move on because I know there were plenty negatives, just my damn brain loves to reply the cute loving moments. It even has nothing to do with missing sex, I just miss the love. Knowing that I would give my life for someone and that they would do the same for me.

[L_L]

I was just looking at my posts and I think I am giving off an impression that I was "perfect".

I was not and I am well aware of this. Even when she would try to portray me as such and people would say I was I would always stop it because I wasn't.

I made my share of mistakes too.

 

I do know if she posted here there would be a lot of made up BS things that I did. She had a problem where she would make things up on occasion. Or she would dream of me doing something and then act like it actually happened or was going too. But I did screw up quite a bit early on.

 

I am a smart ass, joking type. So early on I did not really understand the extent of how serious and how sensitive she was about things. I could give 100 compliments and joke about 1 slight thing and all those compliments would be non existent in her head.

So I do realise I was very incensitive in the earlier stages. It just upsets me that she never let those things go, she held onto them like grudges. She's an eye for an eye kind of person. If I even accidently insulted her or made her upset she would purposely get me back and be nasty towards me. This caused fights before I understood what was actually happening.

It feels like when I finally understood her and was not making mistakes anymore. Was doing EVERYTHING I could to make her not worry, that's when she chose to end it. So I won't make that mistake again haha. She possibly even liked all the fights, I know at times she'd purposely rile me up cause she wanted me too "punish her".

 

There were 3 main times where I know I really hurt her, incidentally there were also 3 times I nearly broke up with her over the course of the year, not necessarily wanting to break up, just needing to air some things out.

Two of these times are times where I know I really hurt her. One was just because she had caused a lot of drama in my life and I couldn't handle it. She had even said she wished my mum would die and things of that nature about the people in my life.

 

Time 1

The build up to this is that she had just entered the full on jealous control stage. Banning me from female friends, acting like I was up to no good any time I went out. Guilt tripping me for making her worry about me and lose sleep etc. The whole week before she had constantly been going on about how it is going to be full moon for Virgo and I was going to do something, she just knew it.

So I went over to my friends place, he was going to have a little get together and a few drinks etc. I didn't invite K because I'm pretty sure she had assignments and she just didn't like any of my friends or wanted to be around them. Turns out no one was going to come so I decided against drinking and sleeping at his. Preferring to just drive home and sleep in my own bed that night.

So my friends gf still really wanted to do something, so she got to contacting a couple of friends and she found a party or two we could go too. I wasn't too keen and my friend just wanted to play sony. He told his gf she couldn't go though. I thought he was joking around and I said I'd be happy to take her there etc and he said "No, she can stay and watch me play sony, she can't go out without me". Then just for the next hour he was very rude, jealous and controlling towards her. I flipped out in my head and projected K on to him. It honestly felt like I was dating the female version of my friend. I ended up driving home and literally the whole way I drove at a snails pace, just thinking about K and how f***ed this all was. It was quite a weird and intense experience. I knew she had an exam in two days time, but I didn't want to just hold it all in. I got home that night and told my mum about it all and that I believed I was going to break up with K.

I contacted her that night. She got all worried and upset right away, said I didn't sound like me etc. I told her how I was feeling and there were a lot of tears. We didn't break up. She kept saying "just tell me so I don't look like a fool when you change your relationship status". Trust me, facebook was the last thing on my mind. She called me the next day crying saying she couldn't sleep and felt like she was constantly going to vomit. After talking quite a bit during the day I agreed to go see her that night.

Pulled up out the front of hers. She got into the car with a box of tissues and just started crying. Pleading me not too leave her, saying how much she had changed for me and how this had all come out of nowhere, how she thought I was so so happy with her etc. All I could say was that I hadn't seen any changes, that actions speak louder then words. But that she shouldn't have to change for the one she loves.

I was really hurting. But I want to point out I am one of those very unfortunate people who laugh at the most inappropriate of times and can't seem to get a smirk off my face. This was happening, so I wasn't looking at her which made her even more upset.

I ended up not being able to handle how upset I had made her and kissed her. We ended up having sex in the car and then that was it. We were ok and I apologised for freaking out. Later when she broke up with me and I said the same thing she said here with the "this is so out of nowhere you gave no signs etc". She brought this up and said "yeah, don't you hate when that happens". She had never truly let go of this time. This was all the way back in January.

 

Time 2

I was spending one of my routine nights up at her apartment in the city. I did the 2 and a half hr trip weekly and stayed for a few nights a week (she moved late jan or early feb).

I was just sitting on the couch watching some boring program on the TV while her and her roommate were sitting at the table on their laptops on facebook. All of a sudden I hear them both start laughing and bitching about something and K calls me over to her laptop.

It was a picture of one of my best friends younger sister who did modeling and a couple of other girls, one of them being one of K's old friends. They were laughing and making fun of them so I just went and sat down on the couch again. I thought they would stop but they kept going on about it and even got up and started emulating the poses etc. It was just really mean and bitchy and they had no need to be doing it at all. I tried to ignore it all but then they even started ringing people and telling them to look at the photos and bitching with them. This went on for about an hour and I just got absolutely fed up. Brushed my teeth and went to bed without saying goodnight.

K came in and said "Baby are you okay?" I just said I was fine and rolled over. When she came in too bed she asked me again and I did the same thing. I was just really upset that she was so needlessly nasty. I didn't want to talk to her I just wanted to sleep it off. I could tell she was upset and probably stayed awake for awhile.

In the morning she woke me up before she left for school. I was still half asleep so I wasn't completely aware of what was happening. She said "Baby, why were you so mad last night? What was wrong?" In my half asleep state I just blurted out. I never realised my gf was such a mean bitch. She left with a really sad look on her face and I fell back asleep not even realising what I had said. That look still haunts me now.

When I woke up I realised what I had done and figured that it would be best not to ring her and just wait til she got home.

When she got home we went into her room and she cried and said she was really scared I wouldn't be there when she got home. We got to talking and I admitted that I felt she could be a bitch, that she wasn't very fun etc. We argued about whether or not we would be friends if we weren't together. She told me to just get the f*** out if I was breaking up with her. I wasn't and I didn't. We needed to talk. I don't think I ever truly apologised properly.

 

Time 3

This one even now I still feel is ridiculous.

Background info on this one is her roommate is a photographer. She's great but she photoshops the f*** out of things. K found photoshop to be disgusting. Always bitched about it constantly. Saying how disgusting her roommates photos were after she used photoshop. Her roommate offered us a free couples photoshoot. But K told me she didn't want her roommate to do it. I agreed as well because I greatly prefer natural photography.

K despised photo shop and anyone who used it pretty much.

 

Ok so while we were together I had stopped going on facebook often. That seem to be where most of our arguments happened cause there would always be a lot of misinterpretations on things both of us would say. Especially if I would try to joke and be sarcastic. K would always take it negatively. So I had a friend over and he was playing my sony. I decided to hop on facebook. K was on, we started lovey dovey talking etc.

Then I noticed she had some new photos, so I decided to take a look. Before the next part I'd like to remind you that I always told K how beautiful she was in person, how I wouldn't change anything cause I was so in love.

So I was looking at the photos and I noticed something was off about one, so I went back and had a look. Her roommate had obviously taken them, they looked good. But something looked off. After a while of staring at it I realised her nose looked different. Without thinking, because she was my gf after all I just commented it saying "That's not your nose" I was supposed to put a question mark.

She replied with "Yeah thanks"

I replied "No but seriously I study your face intently any chance I get, am I missing something?" I was honestly wondering if I didn't know my own gfs nose.

She replied with "No worries hey thanks". I was perplexed. Then she began messaging me going off about how rude I am etc. She then proceed to ring me and yell at me. As soon as she admitted it actually wasn't her nose and her roommate had photoshopped it, I got stubborn. I refused to apologise cause she was being an absolute hypocrite. I said something sarcastic like."I'm sorry I didn't realise you had started taking a modeling career". She raged more and I just couldn't help myself, I started laughing. I said "I can not believe we are actually fighting over a stupid f***ing facebook comment." She began crying, yelled stop laughing and hung up.

I also never fully apologised for that because she never again brought it up, I just assumed that was something we were just putting behind us. It didn't seem to bother her at all. I still got the lets get married treatment after it happened.

Side note. As soon as we broke up she put up a bunch of new photos where she let her roommate photoshop them a lot. Made her waist thinner, bigger boobs (she has a very small chest) and in the photos it looked pretty big. I was actually kind of happy when she did this though. Because she looked bad, she didn't look like her. She is extremely naturally beautiful. I don't give a f*** that not many people would agree. So when I seen the fake photos I was kind of glad.

 

Actually come to think of it she did bring up the nose thing again once. My best friend put up a photo of his gf dressed as little red riding hood. K always checked all my facebook activity so she saw straight away when I commented it. I said "You know for a fact I would look much better in that dress...

 

Haha just kidding looking good (insert name here)". Me and her had a laugh. Then K messages me saying "WTF HEY, telling her she's looking good WTF, I thought you don't go through peoples photos". I don't. But I thought my friend would be in it too so I clicked it, seeing as it was on his page. She kept going off some more and I didn't feel like fighting so I just said ok, I was just complementing a friend and ripping on them jeez.

 

But if I were to list all the times she reacted crazy to something I did or just made me feel unwanted and guilty or just plain sad. I would have a post almost as long as the original one haha

 

I just want to move on so I can be accessible to other people. I don't want to be hung up and then hurt somebody else. I don't want a rebound just for the sake of a rebound.