In Deep Pain

[sadvenus]

I'm going on 3 weeks of NC. Not because I have a choice, but because he totally blocked me out of his life (blocked me on IM, and every single link). He dropped me like a hot potato and went ahead having fun with somebody else (my coworker). I want to forget him but each time I see the my coworker I feel this overwhelming jealousy. I know he's not the right one for me. He had hurt me big time I wish I can delete him from my memory. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I want to move on but I don't know where to begin.

[smudge21]

Sorry to hear this. You're not just dealing with break up pain, but also that feeling of betrayal and loss. You may even feel annoyed that you've fallen for someone who let you down so badly.

 

I don't think you're alone in these feelings, there's plenty others on here going through the exact same.

 

The co-worker is a link to him, a trigger to those memories and sadly that will always be there so healing won't be easy. It may take a bit longer but it will happen. You just have to ride these rough seas out for now. The good times will eventually outweigh the bad though, but it will take time. Don't expect miracles and don't blame yourself if you haven't healed in a few months. Just accept the facts: you've been hurt, you're going to feel down, but you will get better.

 

Go looking through some other threads - reading others pain and offering advice helped me a lot and still does during my current 3 months of NC.

[sadvenus]

Thanks for your advice smudge21. I've been reading the threads for a week now and it does helped me in some ways. I just checked on his twitter and google profile today and they were all over each other's link. I can't believe somebody can just throw you out just like that. He's having fun while I'm here pinning. I know I should stop cyber stalking but it's hard to resist when I'm working in front of a computer 8 hours a day. Everyday is a challenge.

[smudge21]

Reading about cyber stalking an ex actually made me laugh a bit - feels good to know I'm not the only one. Sadly, that only leads to more hurt. I deleted my ex from Facebook but then went looking for info elsewhere and found out more than I ever would have had I kept her on FB. None of it made me feel better. I learnt then that ignorance truly is bliss, it's so better not to know.

 

You have to remember how bad you're feeling every single time you get tempted to type their name in Google or whatever. I know it's tough; it's like being a drug addict. You know the outcome, the pain and misery you will go through, yet you just want that one little hit. Just a small taste of what you had before. It's so difficult not to do it. I know why as well - same as me, I bet you hold that small bit of hope that you'll read an update from him saying he's single again or something similar. Let me tell you for a fact, you will never read that, and even if you did, you'd only feel even worse as you'd be sat there wondering if you should call him and then acting all concerned as he hasn't called you. It would only lead to more hurt.

 

Sadly despite me saying all this I know you will still look for info. We only learn from mistakes and this is something you have to go through, just like I did. Eventually you will realise how much this is hurting you and you will stop doing it, but only when you're ready.

 

Everyday is a challenge - yeah, that's the truth. But take comfort in the fact it's a challenge that so many people have already overcome, that so many are going through right now, and that so many have yet to experience but will do at some point in their lives. What I'm trying to say is, you're not alone.

[sadvenus]

I understand what you mean. I haven't cried for two weeks and now I feel like I'm back to day one. I felt so much pain that led me to posting this thread. I no longer entertain the idea of us getting back together. He's not worth it. All I want to do is get through this pain and be happy again. Everything looks gloomy now and I'm having a hard time moving on since I see my coworker everyday. It's hard but knowing that I'm not alone gave me this kind of solace and I know I will eventually get over this.

 

It's actually the betrayal that's hurting me the most. I just can't believe he can actually do this to me after all that we've been through together. Life is not fair. But you're right. I'll have to take my step one day at a time. Sigh, I wish it's as easy as pressing delete or move to trash then create a new file. I want to end this chapter of my life and start a new one.

[smudge21]

If we could just press a button or take a pill to remove heartache and sadness then just think how empty life would be. Where would the joy and challenge and risk come from. As painfull as these times are, I wouldn't want to swap my life with anyone who's never had and lost true love. They're not experiencing life in my opinion. Besides, you only ever learn from mistakes, so how would you grow without going through stuff like this.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself up over the betrayal. People change all the time. I would never take it personal, just accept that everyone in your life at some stage has changed or wanted to change, you just notice it more when it's a loved one. Do your best to ignore the work colleague thing - I reckon she's a rebound so might just be heading for the same heartbreak as you.

[sadvenus]

If we could just press a button or take a pill to remove heartache and sadness then just think how empty life would be. Where would the joy and challenge and risk come from. As painfull as these times are, I wouldn't want to swap my life with anyone who's never had and lost true love. They're not experiencing life in my opinion. Besides, you only ever learn from mistakes, so how would you grow without going through stuff like this.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself up over the betrayal. People change all the time. I would never take it personal, just accept that everyone in your life at some stage has changed or wanted to change, you just notice it more when it's a loved one. Do your best to ignore the work colleague thing - I reckon she's a rebound so might just be heading for the same heartbreak as you.

 

You are absolutely right. I do have to accept the fact that people change and we can't control other people's feelings.

 

I have fallen out of love before. I walked away because I no longer feel the same for him. I just realized that's there's no point staying in the relationship. It just happened. Now it's the other way around and it's so damn painful. I have no choice but to deal with it.

 

I was reading your threads. It does helped me a lot knowing that there are a lot of people out there experiencing the kind of pain I'm going through right now. Thanks for replying to my post. I appreciate it.

[RuinedLife]

I understand what you mean. I haven't cried for two weeks and now I feel like I'm back to day one. I felt so much pain that led me to posting this thread. I no longer entertain the idea of us getting back together. He's not worth it. All I want to do is get through this pain and be happy again. Everything looks gloomy now and I'm having a hard time moving on since I see my coworker everyday. It's hard but knowing that I'm not alone gave me this kind of solace and I know I will eventually get over this.

 

It's actually the betrayal that's hurting me the most. I just can't believe he can actually do this to me after all that we've been through together. Life is not fair. But you're right. I'll have to take my step one day at a time. Sigh, I wish it's as easy as pressing delete or move to trash then create a new file. I want to end this chapter of my life and start a new one.

 

If we could just press a button or take a pill to remove heartache and sadness then just think how empty life would be. Where would the joy and challenge and risk come from. As painfull as these times are, I wouldn't want to swap my life with anyone who's never had and lost true love. They're not experiencing life in my opinion. Besides, you only ever learn from mistakes, so how would you grow without going through stuff like this.

 

Got to say, that I disagree here, as my parents first got together when they were 16 and have been happy together ever since (nearly 50 years!) and I would definitely take a pill or press a button to end my heartache if I could, I wouldn't think twice about it, but sadly life isn't like that. Life is unfair and some of us have to suffer more than others. However, you can turn this situation more to your advantage if you try and learn from it best you can and therefore hopefully increase your chances of making better decisions and having better relationships in the future.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself up over the betrayal. People change all the time. I would never take it personal, just accept that everyone in your life at some stage has changed or wanted to change, you just notice it more when it's a loved one. Do your best to ignore the work colleague thing - I reckon she's a rebound so might just be heading for the same heartbreak as you.

 

This seems likely, as if this guy can hurt you so badly, then chances are that he'll just hurt this new girl in the same way.

[sadvenus]

This seems likely, as if this guy can hurt you so badly, then chances are that he'll just hurt this new girl in the same way.

 

I know that it's bound to happen. But then again it's none of my business now. I was his first girlfriend. I had 2 long term relationships before him (the first one lasted for 5 years and the second lasted for 2 years). We we were on and off for 2 years. We broke up 3x already and he's usually the one who initiates the breakup for some petty reasons. But this time I think he dumped me because of this girl. That's why I know there's no chance of reconciliation.

[RuinedLife]

I know that it's bound to happen. But then again it's none of my business now. I was his first girlfriend. I had 2 long term relationships before him (the first one lasted for 5 years and the second lasted for 2 years). We we were on and off for 2 years. We broke up 3x already and he's usually the one who initiates the breakup for some petty reasons. But this time I think he dumped me because of this girl. That's why I know there's no chance of reconciliation.

 

Well its a good thing you acknowledge that at least. Knowing that there is no chance of reconciliation (really knowing that) can really help you to move on because you won't always be hoping or pinning away for another chance. Thats one of the main things that's been holding back my recovery. Its been over 6 months since my break up now, but for some reason I'm still living in denial, hoping I will get another chance with my ex, and however stupid I know logically that thought is, it still plagues my mind with false hopes and holds back my healing progress.

 

If this guy is prone to dumping people for petty reasons chances are he will keep doing it. But you're right, you need to try and focus on you now, on your recovery and try your best to ignore whats going on with him. I know it will be hard, but sounds like you are better off without this guy, and you know it, so that should help you, you just need to give yourself some time to grieve the loss and try to look forward so you can move on to better things and happier relationships.

 

When me and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it was our second split too, and knowing that he came back to me the first time really exaggerates my reconciliation hopes in my mind, so I know how hard it can be to extinguish these (I have yet to manage it), but you seem pretty clear that there is no chance of reconciliation for you and this guy, so sounds like you're on the right track at least.

[sadvenus]

However, you can turn this situation more to your advantage if you try and learn from it best you can and therefore hopefully increase your chances of making better decisions and having better relationships in the future.

 

After 3 serious relationships I definitely have to step back and assess my sense of judgement.

 

The five year relationship was during my college years so I would say I was too young to make the right decisions then. But the 2nd and 3rd one, I should have known better but it was still a failure.

[RuinedLife]

After 3 serious relationships I definitely have to step back and assess my sense of judgement.

 

The five year relationship was during my college years so I would say I was too young to make the right decisions then. But the 2nd and 3rd one, I should have known better but it was still a failure.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes and it can be very hard to know whether or not a relationship is likely to work out when you first get together with someone new.

 

Also lust, romance and love are all very strong forces and its easy to be swept away by any one of them.

 

As you already seem somewhat clear headed, even at this early stage, I suggest you try writing down all the pros and cons of this relationship and other relationships you've had in the past. Look again at what went wrong, and what also went right and then maybe you'll be able to spot any common themes or mistakes you've repeated, so you can try to learn from these and not make the same mistakes again.

 

I'm doing the same with my relationships and it can help shed some insight onto any negative relationship patterns you have a tendency to fall into and give you an opportunity to think of ways you can overcome these negative patterns and help you spot red flags in future relationships more quickly.

[sadvenus]

As you already seem somewhat clear headed, even at this early stage, I suggest you try writing down all the pros and cons of this relationship and other relationships you've had in the past. Look again at what went wrong, and what also went right and then maybe you'll be able to spot any common themes or mistakes you've repeated, so you can try to learn from these and not make the same mistakes again.

 

Thank's for the advice. Although at this point of time I could not see myself going into another relationship, I do have to list down the pros and cons (while my memory on this relationship is still fresh). That's something i haven't done before.

 

I'm doing the same with my relationships and it can help shed some insight onto any negative relationship patterns you have a tendency to fall into and give you an opportunity to think of ways you can overcome these negative patterns and help you spot red flags in future relationships more quickly.

 

I have spotted some red flags in the early stages of our relationship but I chose to ignore it. There's a lot of guys who's interested on me but I seldom fall for a guy. Now I know feelings is not enough.

[RuinedLife]

I have spotted some red flags in the early stages of our relationship but I chose to ignore it. There's a lot of guys who's interested on me but I seldom fall for a guy. Now I know feelings is not enough.

 

Yeah I spotted some red flags at the beginning of my relationship too and along the way and I chose to ignore them, because so few guys are interested in me and there are so few guys that I'm really attracted to and really connect with, but I realize now that as much as you want to pretend certain "red flags" aren't there, they usually come back to haunt you in horrible ways.

[sadvenus]

you just need to give yourself some time to grieve the loss and try to look forward so you can move on to better things and happier relationships.

 

About grieving, I've been having a hard time dealing with the pain. I have no idea how long I have to grieve. I don't know when this pain will subside. I'm so glad there are people like you who takes time to help others and give some advice. If it weren't for this site, I would be in my bed right now crying my heart out after checking what my ex is up to on some social networking sites.

 

This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum like this. My emotion's in deep trouble and I'm glad I came acrossed this site.

[RuinedLife]

About grieving, I've been having a hard time dealing with the pain. I have no idea how long I have to grieve. I don't know when this pain will subside. I'm so glad there are people like you who takes time to help others and give some advice. If it weren't for this site, I would be in my bed right now crying my heart out after checking what my ex is up to on some social networking sites.

 

This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum like this. My emotion's in deep trouble and I'm glad I came acrossed this site.

 

Glad that this site gives you some comfort. It has helped me a lot too, although I am still struggling a lot, people on here have been incredibly supportive and as we've all been through similar things, certainly similar emotions, we can all help each other through our difficult days.