At what point is it time to see a professional?

[ChrisMc]

I won't get into the specifics of the breakup. They're irrelevant at this point.

 

Short stats are we've been broken up for a year almost to the day. When we broke up it wasn't finalized, and there was a period of uncertainty. I lost my head, begged and pleaded for her back, it had the exact opposite effect I wanted. We stopped talking, but every three or so months I would reach out with a literal 10 page 10 email professing my love and desire to make it work. She would always respond with some care, but ultimately made it clear she didn't love me anymore. But we would have nice convos, and I would feel better. Than I wouldn't hear from her again for a long while, and repeat the process all over again.

 

She's the only girl I've ever loved and I genuinely cannot imagine myself being 1/10th as happy with someone else.

 

I went through a period of extreme drug and alcohol abuse, didn't eat or sleep, and have generally remained horribly unhealthy for the past year.

 

I almost have to admit something incredibly awful: I have the password to her email, and read it constantly, even to the point of keeping it logged into so I can see when she is home and logged in. There's really nothing in there of any personal consequence to her, but it's my sick and twisted way of remaining "in" her life (and yes, as I type this I recognize that it's incredibly wrong on many levels).

 

These are not things I am proud of, and this is the only place I have admitted it because I would not dare to do so with friends or family.

 

I do not consider myself to be a weak person by any definition of the word, and have overcome many obstacles and tough times in my life, however, when it comes to this, I am crippled with the inability to act properly.

 

Everyone in my life tells me, with time it will get better, but I truly don't think I will. While I no longer contemplate suicide to the extent I did before, I am in a habitual state of sadness.

 

I have no experience with seeing a so-called professional. Does anyone have any that they'd like to share, good and/or bad? Did it help?

[smudge21]

You clearly have an addiction and issues that a professional would be adviseable. I would suggest seeing your local doctor first, so he/she can recommend someone to you. That would be my first step were things the same for me (it's a slippery slope and could easily end up exactly like you are right now).

 

First thing to do though is change her password for her email - this will force her to get it changed herself and you'll never know it. You have to do this as you are not even attempting to heal whilst you're still connected in this way. I had my ex's login details but only looked once - I really did have to force myself to delete them.

 

Good luck with whatever path you chose.

[betterdeal]

I attempted suicide last May, after a break up and significant substance abuse, and was an in-patient on a mental heath ward for three weeks afterwards, so I think I know where you're at.

 

First thing, if you feel suicidal again, tell your doctor, a relative or another trusted person, or call Samaritans or the emergency services.

 

I am many many times better now that I was then, with the help of a lot of professionals, family and friends.

 

Eat well. After substance abuse we are often malnourished and vitamin B12 is often deficient if you drink heavily for sustained periods. Take a decent multivitamin, and eat cereal (which is fortified with vitamins).

 

Be clean. Wash (shower or bath), clean your teeth, change your underclothes daily, and wash your hands frequently. Hand washing is known to freshen up our mood, as well as reduce chances of infection. Cleanliness leads to fewer chances of infection, the less stress your body is under, the better you will feel.

 

Sleep well. Good sleep calms the mind and is essential for personal well-being. See you doctor for sleeping pills if you have acute insomnia. You can also try Valarian root extract (products like Kalms) contain it. Wash and change your bed linen at least once a month. Try an oil-burner with lavender, geranium or frankincense oil. These are calming scents. Read something gentle and good natured before you go to sleep. Maybe a cup of hot milk. Just try things that are soothing and help you to sleep. Switch you phone(s) and internet off at night.

 

Treat yourself. Go for a massage. Use a jacuzzi / steam room / sauna. Get a haircut and a proper wet shave by the barber. Buy some new clothes.

 

Do exercise. Walking. Yoga. Pilates. Swimming. Gym. Rock climbing. Whatever takes your fancy.

 

Treat doctors, psychotherapists, massage therapists, as helpful service providers. They're there to help you. If you see one and it doesn't work for you, no worries - stop and see them or someone else some other time.

 

This is a very interesting time in your life and you are going to get to know yourself better, and feel better through it.

 

Have a look at http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

If you'd like some self-help suggestions, I can give you a list of books I liked and that I took something from.

 

This is not about her: it's about you.

[childishregrets]

Wow slow down! How long was the relationship? A year is ok dont get down over that i spent 3 years doing the exact same as you and it can really take its toll on you.I wish i could turn back time and see that i was waiting on her but that it was a false cause.I done all the same bad things you did such as the begging and contacting and it had the exact same effect as you.It pushed her away and made her rebel against me.

 

To my feeble mind it seems alien that no contact can make you want someone much more after a breakup.Is it not flattering to know this person loves you and wants to make it work even in the bad times? What does it say about someone who takes to thier heels and never looks back... Is he wanted more due to that? I bet you struggle with these exact same thoughts right now?

 

Well your approach has not worked so far so what have you really got to lose now by letting go mate? At least she responds so she cares for you but maybe she just wants to refine what she wants in a person for life? It does not mean you suck and yes it is HARD to deal with but you HAVE to let go of her and her email shortly or it will ruin you and your life possibly.

 

Do you have an addictive personality by chance? When you email her every 3 months for your fix you are just settings yourself up for a cycle of Fix-rejection-realization-sadness.

 

If you really have too write her an email saying that you tried and have waited on her and you hope she will respect you for that but you have waited long enough and its time for you to find someone else who WANTS you.This might make her come back (small chance) as she knows right now she can be single AND have you there pining for her if things dont work out.Your are not a doormat and i bet you have dreams.If she does not come back then u know that neither approach worked and she was never going to come back no matter what you did so you have weeded out a potential BAD mate who might of wanted divorce instead of a breakup?

 

Even in the darkest times some good can come of it you just have to look hard enough to find it.

Edited July 12, 2011 by childishregrets

[Yona88]

One year is definitely a sign to get some help. I am considering seeing a therapist for what I'm currently going through.

 

When I was younger I did this same thing. For 8 months I drove myself insane. It's not good for you!

 

It's hard but focusing on yourself is what is best. I definitely recommend a therapist. That's what I plan on doing.