sleepykitten Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Am at work and i know i have his phone number here in my drawer-not on my phone, but last week was feeling so strong, am so tempted to call, going through all the usual feelings of...how can he just walk away, he was the one when we broke up who said he wanted to stay in contact....i know te whole point of nc is for my own healing but cant shake these feelings of rejection, hurt, it seems endless. Need some words of encouragement...please. Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Stay strong and you'll be glad you did. 9 days? You have done incredibly well. Keep going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks trapped, I am really struggling today, nearly caved and got his number out of my in box but didnt, i know it would make it worse-if thats at all possible. Have that awful feeling of being on the verge of tears wondering if he's thinking of me, what he's thinking, what he's been doing....its relentless, also have a half day today and wish i didnt as would rather be at work and be busy than going home to an empty flat that reminds me of him. Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 try keeping your self so busy and concentrate on what ever it is your doing. start exercisng, dancing, going to clubs or museums something to distract your self. 9days your still fresh frombeing hurt nc is hard but you can get through it..,dont cave in. tear his number up, erase it so your not tempted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I should tear his number up, i did that when we first split but then i panicked and ended up e mailing (as i know that by heart unfortunatly), thought by having his number written where i cant always get to it might be like a comfort thing.....oh god i dont know!!! I WILL NOT call/text as i know i will feel awful afterwards, as what do i really want him to say---i miss you i have been a compleate idiot, please come back....and he's not going to say any of that. And really, he is not good boyfriend material he proved that with how he treated me in our last few months together and in his lack of self sufficiancy, and issues he has but cannot see. Why cant I just get him out of my head. maybe its because i am feeling really really lonely at the moment. Even typing that makes me want to cry, havent said it out loud yet, been thinking i was doing ok, at least i havent caved and text. Ok after work i am going to get changed, and go out, cinema, shopping what ever, then i am going to a class at the gym tonight even though all i feel like doing is curling up and crying! Link to post Share on other sites
Istherehope1 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 It's soo hard, but don't give in. It only hurts more when they reject you or ignore u more. I'm still struggling 8 months later I have to kids with soon to be but wish it didn't happen ex wife. My problem wAs I give in to NC and nothing happens. When I can do it right for a week I get rewarded but u have no kids and no court dates. Be strong enjoy life at least for 21-30 days and see what happens. Be strong. Don't turn down dates either do them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks Istherehope, youre right i dont have the added complications of children, etc, have been through one divorce already but that was a unique situation i think because we really are the best of friends and never was there this sort of pain and we stayed on good terms throughout proceedings. I really wish you well for what youre going through, even though my ex husband and i are close it was still a major heartwrenching process to go through and i love him dearly he is a wonderful man his new g/f is incredibly lucky. maybe the reason why i am struggling so much with this is that i met him a mere 5 weeks after i moved out of my exs and subsequently he bacame like an emotional liferaft shielding me from what i couldnt face then, i dont know its all so hard. I know i have alot of deep rooted abandonment issues and i am trying so hard to deal with all of this as i dont want to make the same mistakes again and i do feel i need to grow as a person and become stronger Posts and replies to posts on here are what is getting me through each day. so thank you so much for taking the time to write. Am leaving work now, procrastinating as its only midday and i have my empty day of nothing and eve, and to be honest it scares me, i hate this feeling of lonliness. Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Am at work and i know i have his phone number here in my drawer-not on my phone, but last week was feeling so strong, am so tempted to call, going through all the usual feelings of...how can he just walk away, he was the one when we broke up who said he wanted to stay in contact....i know te whole point of nc is for my own healing but cant shake these feelings of rejection, hurt, it seems endless. Need some words of encouragement...please. We all hope that NC will make them come running back, once we give them a chance to miss us ect but they're really not bothered if they hear from us or not. NC is hard, so hard but it does get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 So...day 10 now, last night i went to a boxercise class and punched my ex in the face for an hr, first time i have excersied in over a yr and it felt great, really turned my mood around. This morning though back to dwelling and thinking of him...the mail thing being angry with all his empty words and promises, even when we split up "this isnt goodbye" and "no i dont want to never see you again, i will call you, see you very soon, i love you" now why say all that, and that was 7 weeks ago and 10 days ago...at least when i went no contact i told him! His b/day on tuesday so thats on my mind aswell, as feel i should text but then i know i shouldnt....? Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) Stay strong. It's only day 3 for me NC this time round but I'm quite getting a buzz now out of seeing that in double figures and beyond. I have rationalised my situation and to be honest you should try and do the same. It's early days but the best thing to do is find something else to take your mind off him. See some old friends. Keep up the exercise. Go out on a date. London is a great City with loads to see in it. I'm off to a Edinbrugh Comedy Preview this weekend which is something she would not have joind me with. Do different things and not things that you would have done together.. See my thread on 'Will she be the same with her new love' to see how weird my situation is but then I guess we all have unique circumstances don't we. I told myself 'Don't be a victim and don't show anymore weakness' the last 2 times I went NC it was her who contacted me after 4 days but that ended in her being nasty. Edited July 13, 2011 by Trappedinyou Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Yes am definitly going to keep up with the exercise i felt so great last night after that class, and i really liked what you said aout dont show anymore weakness-you are spot on...had a near miss today, typed out an e mail, a "breezy" wierd to not hear from you for so long etc, maybe you have met someone else or just not thinking of me as you used too etc etc....as i went to send i quickly deleted it instead!! Yhank god, as i was coming back from lunch i was thinking how i would be regretting sending that when at the time i convinced myself it was ok, i was fine just checking in....yeah right!!! This is a constant battle-with myself! Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 There you are! It is a battle with yourself but you are the best person that you know so why argue? Help the other you don't hinder them. It sounds very much like his loss I think. I bet your next love will be stronger. For me? I've learned a lot in a short time about myself so it's proving quite a journey of discovery. I'm a good good person and I am only begining to see that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 It sounds very much like his loss I think. I bet your next love will be stronger. What a lovely thing to say, thank you for that. I really hope so, and i do believe that too. I feel i have to go through all this in a way. as I need to adress these issues I have of fear of abandonment, lack of self esteem, etc. I do feel stronger too, although some moments and days i feel compleaty opposite! But i think i am handling them differently, almost sending that mail though-yikes that would have been so bad! so close to hitting send!! You sound like youre doing good? Where in London are you? I went to Gordens in Embankment the other week, have read so many good reviews of it was dying to go for ages, ex never bothered to take me anywhere so i decided when we broke up to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm not doing bad. Better day today than yesterday, tomorrow will be even better and I don't appear to have lapsed at any time. I wouldn't say that I could refuse her yet but I am not in the hopeful stage anymore either. You see, I have done nothing wrong. I think the turning point was when her Mother, who I didn't really see eye to eye with, came out of nowhere one day and gave me the most unbelieveable support and kind words. She then continued to support me without getting involved with the break-up. She has genuine concern and no other vested interest. She knows her daughter better than anyone and said 'there are people and then there are people and then theres my ****!'. I'm in South East London near Brockley. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Thats really good to hear, am glad youre doing well. I hope i stay strong, i didnt do anything wrong in my relationship, maybe got too angry sometimes and lost my temper but not often. My ex started off "perfect" in that he was so romantic wanted to be with me all the time, couldnt get enough of me, i felt so loved, secure, then a yr later-different, still a "nice" guy but so different, more complacent, forgetful, ambivilent, i always talked to him, was honest about stuff he would apologise say he knows hes changed doesnt know why, said no he doesnt want it to end, doesnt want to be with someone else-yes i asked alot of questions-often!! What he said and how he acted didnt match at all, so many dissapointments, too much hope and let downs, it was such a sad and scary time as i could see this happening i was unhappy yet too scared to leave. My ex, i think has some issues, maybe commitment issues, and i think a bit of a mummys boy-36 lives at home well has done for past 3 yrs even though he earns loads, mum does everything even strips washes irons and re makes his bed. he has no responsibility no bills, no grocery shopping, no washing, just work and socialising which he does alot as i know he hates to spend any time on his own. When we were together, he stayed round at mine 5-6 nights a week more some weeks,he never offered to contribute, not even a tolken gesture, he knew i didnt want him to pay hapf as i had said when i moved in i needed to be independent and know i could be ok, as had been married and my husband paid for ewverything so this was important to me, but even when his mum said"no dont pay the 200 a mth rent this month your always at sleppykittens:), he still didnt say, i want you to use this for food whatever....i mean...whats your thoughts on this? I did all the food shopping, cooking, sometimes he would pay if we went together but that wasnt often. I think he just went from one mum to another as it all go too comfortable, we stopped going out, i did ask him alot if we could go on a date, it took him 9 weeks to take me to dinner and i had to remind him each week....yet he still made plans for him and his friends! I took him away for weekendsx3 and paid, he never did that, he was generous birthdays and xmas but then so was i, he used to do nice stuff and send lovely texts, but the change in the last 8 months was unreal. Thats i think what i cant understand, people say he had a ton of issues, i think he does too...any thoughts..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sorry-think i got a bit carried away there..! I guess i still feel hurt/angry/confused/rejected....arggh ...all those things! Its just good to vent and to hear someones opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Well, someone who can't even commit to buying a bag of spuds has issues alright. How strange! My girl only contributed to household things that she wanted. I paid for absolutely everything. Your chap sounds selfish and spoiled, again the same as mine, she's back at Mums and still not contributing a jot. Re-read your last post to yourself, in my relationship I had to keep upping the ante to please her yet she said on a daily basis 'i never asked for anything'! Between us we have a spoilt pair of bas***ds who appear to have little going for them (mine is a stunning beauty) but I think that's all she has got going for her. Her new man, who I have nothing against because I don't know him and he won't have been told the truth, is no oil painting, so much so that her mum says she keeps finding herself staring at him while he's not looking just to make sure what she's seeing her daughter with is in fact real . I think the more I put this stuff down in black and white and communicate my findings that, the more it becomes clear that I've had a lucky escape. Take a piece of paper and divide it with a vertical line. on one side write his good points and on the other his bad. This is initially hard as you don't want to be critical of your lost love but be brave. I'm still writing the bad points every day and on the first day I only came up with 3 things on the good side. Her beauty, her passion (this I will find hard to beat I think) and the mind-blowing sex that we had from the very start to the very end of the relationship. 3 things how sad is that? Also make another list of your good and bad points and be honest with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 That made me laugh about the spuds!! Funny that you came up with 3 good points, i did a list a few months before we broke up and the 3 pros were-he used to make me feel so special and loved, he strokes my hair while were watching films, and he put the bins out. There were about 16 cons!! That should have told me all i needed to know! Same about the sex too, we had amazing sex, although i always initiated it!! Think its time for a real man, well when i have established boundries, worked on my self esteem and boxed myself into some sort of incredible lara croft shape! Yes boxercise-lots of punching bags and pads and no fighting so perfect post dumped workout. Also went to see bridesmaids tonight and laughed out loud through most of it-so 2 good nights in the book so far. Things are looking up. Hey and look at us 2 threads going at the same time. Am going to reply to your other one now. Yes your ex certainly seems to be like my ex in they are both spoilt and lacking in integrity. We sure can do better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Well, this must be day 11 for you so, keep the faith. Resist the urge. I'm now at the point where I know I won't cave in and my phone is only on when absolutely necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Yep day 11!! Woke up this morning feeling crap, more angry with him really seeing his true colours etc. Determined not to cave in and text, e mail or call.....! Wish i could fast forward a yr and just be in a lovely happy place without constantly feeling like everything is such an effort.I feel like i am wading through treacle emotionally, constantly trying to be positive, still thinking of him all day, trying not to think of him sleep is the only respite at the moment. god i hope this gets better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 It will get better and easier. You need to get yourself a distraction. Be it a hobby or a person. If you meet someone don't feel quilty about it. I've been dumped and 4 weeks of abuse from her by text stopped for a week so I thought she'd done with it. Then she saw me with someone else (just a friend nothing else) and went potty. What do these people want? Anyway, stupidly, I tried to explain, but she got worse in the process. It's her guilt you see. I'm telling you this because you've done nothing wrong so go off on a date or flirt somewhere and feel good about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 I have been on 2 dates-they were both terrible and the last one was possibly the worst date i have ever been on, then the guys i have met while out are just after one thing, it totally depressed me. I have to say though the 2 dates, one was set up by a friend and the other one was a guy i met a yr ago and found his card, he turned out to be a total utter horror. This all of course made me miss my ex and wonder is this it for me now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trappedinyou Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 How you doing today Kitty? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepykitten Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Hey you, am good today-sunday-had a great weekend, drunken night out on fri with a nice bit of flirting thrown in-sure beats last fri and my horrendous date. Generally feeling much better, exs b/day on tuesday-WILL NOT text or mail or call!!!! Kinda know that if i dont i will never hear from him at all, i dont think he expects me not to contact him but there is no point at all. I still feel a bit hurt that he said he wanted to stay in contact then hasnt, it makes me feel like my nc isnt really my choice and my strength....do you know what i mean?? How are you, how was your weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
DontWorryBHappy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Kitten, I know what you mean about not feeling like NC is your choice. My ex suggested NC in the end... told me we HAD to do it. So now that I am NC it is annoying to know that it wasnt exactly my doing.. I didnt initiate it so sometimes it just feels like I'm doing what I'm told :/. But I know thats a backwards way to look at it. And we actually ARE strong for sticking to it. Link to post Share on other sites
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