Will she come back?

[Istherehope1]

Ive been married for 15 years have 2 beautiful well behaved and liked children aged 12 and 10. Dec 1,2011 I come from work to a half empty home no kids or wife. She took the kids out of school early and co ceased them from me for seven days. I did the right thing thru the courts and though she try keeping the kids from me, the judge put her in her place harshly and gave me the simple every other weekend Wednesday schedule though I motioned for 50/50. She also used a lawyer to ask me to leave the home though she had no intentions of returning because she already rented a 2 bedroom apartment. Judge also gave me exclusive right to home, but it took 10 weeks so I had to stay with my sister which was a 45 minute commute for children but on my Wednesdays I would get a hotel room to stay close to school. She also ducked me for all bills including phone and her van insurance etc. Judge told me I could recoup bills at the divorce and custody trial if I so choose but he couldn't do much for me if no divorce is pending. I didn't want a divorce I wanted my family and wife back. She has a history of irrational behavior and anger management problems that she refused to acknowledge and treat for years. She also had her family believe that I was the bad guy though I helped her graduate college, get her driving licence at 21, get her teaching license, get her her teaching job, helped out with kids home, took family on vacation to Disney, the carribean to see family for upto a month during our summer vacation( I teach too) and even went half and half on her boob job. I did it all. She had deep anger though and wanted to move back to Island near family for years. We had jobs a home, children in great schools and great religious upbringing and friends for children. But she was never happy, every time we went on vacation to visit her family she wanted to stay. Any way back to story, she had cheated on me with my cousin in our 4.5 year of marriage, she confessed a year later but said that they only fooled around and kissed but had no penetration sex and that it only happened twice. I loved our family and believed her so I never even thought of divorce or separation. She told me it all started with innocent phonecalls. Any way she also had an addiction with Fbook and reality tv especially the divorced wife ones for a couple of years before. She was becoming very distant. Looking thru our phone bill and Fbook account I found out she was calling an old HS Boyfriend for about 4 months before she left. He lived in Florida we are from Jersey so at first I thought it was stupid until upon seeing my kids they asked "How are the schools in Florida?". So I knew she had intentions of leaving with kids. He was divorced and had kids about the same so one of them woke up and said let's slow down. I was able to get a court order for her to not take kids out of jurisdiction also and $20K later was able to get kids 50/50 for summer and still looking at another $12-15K to make it permanent since she still would alienate children from me to the point of not taking them to activities or our religious meetings. By the way the chuckle in court room was when the Judge again asked her why in the world would you not want the kids to spend extra time with children during summer. She had no answer and no plans with kids, so Judge yelled and ordered, well they will be with their father for a week doing something and a week with you doing nothing!!! He also ordered a child custody evaluation at $10K price split pAyed within 30 days. Which is July 15, 2011. I did all this hoping she'd wake up but hasn't only made her more furious until this week. She apoligized for concealing kids and alienating them and for making waist so much money in court motions. She just doesn't want to pay up and wants to go back to the weekend Wednesday schedule once school starts and a promise to never interfere with my right to be with kids. Noo way am I going back to be a visiting uncle. Kids are happy in there home and they are dealing with the idea of 50/50 though they both wish and I do to wish were back as a family.

But she is not done testing the waters. She is still in contact with old Bf and said maybe in later future they will get together but that she will never return to me or our dysfunctional marriage. It was

Painful to hear those words, she has so much resentment from leaving the Island and her family (though we visit every year and they do to). It's like she wants to go back to mom and dad and sister and back to HS boyfriend, but knows the bus left already. But I was the cause of all her troubles and now she is stuck here in Jersey withnothing but a decent job, great kids a husband who had to file for divorce to see his kids more that still loves her and wants her back but she wants nothing with me. After 7 months I was able to have a decent apology and talk but only becuz she doesn't want to pay the $5K for custody evaluation. She wants a divorce and wants me to drop the 50/50 go back to weekend junk and hope I can continue to coach my sons baseball and daughters soccer and also be able to pick them up to go to religious service cuz she also wants no part of that life style. I'm trying the space and no contact but with two kids it's almost impossible. Though even if I do it for 3 days I get a decent response to be with kids. Now I have them for a week on and off and it's driving her crazy. Now she calls my phone to talk to kids though they have their own phones. I don't pick up, I tell them to call mommy. When the kids phones are not near she text me to see what's with there phones I dont respond. I just tell kids to check their phone. I purposely was late to pick them up for my week. She text me 15 minutes later to see where I'm at. I was always earlybut I still don't respond to her text. I know she is only being nice so I drop the custody evaluation and go back to weekend schedule. Noo way. I'm going forward with all the junk she put us thru for 7 months. I'm getting the 50/50 and at least being able to be there for my children to take them to religious service take them to their games and activities and do their homework. Everyone says I'm a great father, but I also tried sooo hard to be the great husband and still want to. She doesn't. She still wants to continue with divorce. But I don't get it, she said she doesn't hate me and wishes I find happiness in someone else, I want her, but I guess I must continue trucking as I have for children and myself. But it hurts to not have our family. Is she ever going to come to her senses. She swears she hasn't slept with anyone and she doesn't even think there is a future with old BF. I mean come on a divorced man in Florida??!! she can't move and Im sure he is established.

What is she thinking? No one understands her. I even wrote her a letter

Giving in and saying I should have listened more to her signals and made more emotional conections with her and that I now know she needed more tender loving care, but she said thanks but no thanks. You'll be a better husband to your next wife even though I did all I could for her except give her her youth back, mommy daddy and her high school life. I have the home and children and religion but still grieve and hope she comes home. It doesn't Look promising at all. Next is back to court to motion an enforcement order to make her pay, but possibility is she gets them back to and I get weekend schedule until evaluation is done(4-5 months) or judge can enforce the order and allow week on week off schedule to continue after summer until evaluation is done. Slim chance but possible. She is still into her Facebook and tv and has trouble dealing with kids activities and schooling. I have always been the better parent and she resents that from me too. The entire community is on my side except the person I love and want to be with to now really give her the TLC she wants more of.

How long should I wait with no signals of returning? (well I did get a fake apology, maybe sincere??). My children hurt and want a family, I want a family and community wants to see a family, but she is not wanting a family. Any advice is welcomed:-(

[leedlee1]

Please seperate into paragraphs, It is too much to read in one go

[Istherehope1]

How long before you realed her back? And I lost 27lbs got in real good shape with muscle and all, kids even say Daddy looks like Lautner? The wolf on that vampire series, new clothe continue my life but only have gotten a little quick look nothing more.

[2.50 a gallon]

Reality time!

 

She has emotional and personality issues, that she is going to have to work through. And there is not much you can do by yourself, she has to be the one wanting to make the change, and from what I have read the chances are very slim.

 

Your first importance should be the welfare of your children. The courts have already stated that she cannot take the kids with her, so she is blocked there, well done.

 

You might be able to parlay her refusal to pay into full primary custody and she will have to dance to your tune in order to spend time with the kids.

 

I don't see her giving up on her dream of moving back with her family in the near future, it will always be on her mind.

 

Keep fighting for your kids as she sounds like a nut case and probably will never come back to your way of thinking.

[Istherehope1]

Please seperate into paragraphs, It is too much to read in one go

 

How do you edit the thread?

[Istherehope1]

She texted:

"I'm not demanding, please don't misinterpret what I'm suggesting to make things easier for our kids. You know that I have always invested most of my time to taking care of their needs, including during your baseball trips. I have clearly stated that I am committed to fostering a good relationship between you and them from this moment on. I already expressed regret and now see that it's important for them to spend quality time during our vacation, but I do believe it's better for children to stay longer with me when schools starts up again. With regard to the religios meetings I fully intend to not interfere when you wish to take them, please take their comfort into account and let the previous schedule continue upon school comencing I know that they will respect and love you for it."

 

1. She implies it's easier for kids to stay in her crummy 2Bed apartment rather than their home. ??? That kids will love me more: they love me more now that they are with me and that will never change.

2. I went with the guys to watch baseball games in Pittsburg for a weekend once for the past three years. Big woopie. I even invited her once she refused.

3.

[2.50 a gallon]

I see!

 

Women are better equiped to be the primary care provider, so the children should be removed from their home to live in a 2 bedroom apartment

 

The baseball reference. I refer it to the "Book Of Bad" I have known some women who could throw in your face the date, time, location (including a weather report) for every little bit of injustice real or imagined that they in their warped mind perceive that you have incurred upon them. They never forget.

 

Move on while the getting is good

[jaymz]

You know that I have always invested most of my time to taking care of their needs, including during your baseball trips...

 

2. I went with the guys to watch baseball games in Pittsburg for a weekend once for the past three years. Big woopie. I even invited her once she refused...

 

Rewriting history. This will happen a lot. She needs to justify her actions and this is done by making you the bad guy and her the good gal.

[Istherehope1]

I see!

 

Women are better equiped to be the primary care provider, so the children should be removed from their home to live in a 2 bedroom apartment

 

The baseball reference. I refer it to the "Book Of Bad" I have known some women who could throw in your face the date, time, location (including a weather report) for every little bit of injustice real or imagined that they in their warped mind perceive that you have incurred upon them. They never forget.

 

Move on while the getting is good

 

First of all just two building down there is a Megan's law offender who tried to **** with two 13 yr. olds.

Second she spends most of her time on FB and Reality TV because her low-esteem and mild depression for not being in her Island so, she has no time to do their homework and projects(both grades went down which in turn hurts the kids self esteem and gives them mild depression), she forgets their practices and medical appointments at times, at times her dinner is breakfast, and she coups them up in the apartment sometimes the whole weekend except to do her therapy at any shopping mall. My son says "I HATE GOING SHOPPING ALL THE TIME"!

 

You yourself can see she has personality and emotional problems, how does that help the kids if she doesn't want to help herself first. Long ago she was diagnosed with possible PMDD and she decided to throw out the SERAFEM they gave her. Sooo, many great stories after most women took the meds and saved their relationships. She decided to throw out meds.

I've always been the one to make the medical appointments, coach their baseball, soccer and basketball, I was the one sending them to shower and bed while she was watching the latest episode of NY/NJ/Atlanta Housewives and MTV. I knew she was in depressed mode and capable of irrational desicions as taking them out of school in the middle of the day and taking them to that crummy apartment complex ans saying this is your new home, them concealing them from me. Are you reading this. She used the kids to get back at me for silly stupid stuff like going to a baseball game, mind you always after I made sure she had her trip to Moms for a month or Disney for 10 days.

 

The kids come home and feel sooo comfortable in their rooms, in their neighborhood, able to ride their bikes and play outside or just chill with the door wide open.

 

Her thought was that I would end up paying for the remainder of the lease since I'm the Husband as she made her next move to leave with kids to Puerto Rico. The very next day I filed for custody and the Judge ragged her and told her she was not taking the kids out of the jurisdiction.

 

Always blaming me for her insanity, in refernce to her PMDD, all PMDD people have at least 7-10 great days a month and I treasured those days and so did the kids. She tries to blame all her life misery with the stupidest things in the "Bad Book". She justifies her leaving to give the kids a better life, she forgets to see the kids are hurting and her real reason was to see if she could be more apealing to her X-HS kissing buddy.

 

I'm not the bad guy for caring for my children and even for her. I tried to get help and her PMDD always got in the way though she never wanted to admit it. I just wish she took the meds or got the counseling to help her along. She never did.

 

Where I work and where I live everbody sees that I have always been the perfect parent if there is such a thing. I admit maybe I could have had that emotional connection with mom a little more but she didn't want it from me since I was the one stopping her from her goal of going back to th Island.

 

Now we are both playing NC, which is just hurting the kids. She is depriving the kids of being with both parents, how can she be the better parent to take care of these kids. The Judge has seen the writing on the wall and I could very well get primary custody if the custody evaluation is done, that is one reason she doesn't want to pay and maybe her lawyer is the one telling her not to pay and make promises to see if I drop the evaluation. Well Im not being fooled again.

 

I want my family back and I guess if the kids are with me, she will wake up and get the help she always needed and be the person that she is during her 7-10 beautiful days of the month all the month.

 

WE miss her so much in the family...

[Owl]

This sounds pretty familiar...this could well be a mid-life crisis scenario as well.

 

What that means is that the situation is likely going to have to "come to a head" before you'll get her to actually address the issues.

 

She's going to have to hit rock bottom before she'll realize that she needs to make changes.

 

You do that by removing the kids from her vicinity, and let her suffer the consequences of all of her choices.

 

Stop supporting her choices/actions.

 

If she wants to act single...let her be single. Consider contacting an attorney to help with a seperation plan.

 

She'll either change...resulting in imrpovements, or she won't, but you and the kids will be protected and moving down the path towards divorce and maintaining your family without her.

[Istherehope1]

it was only way to start the custody battle and get more time according to Judge and he knows best.

 

I don't want divorce, but I also thought it would wake her up, it only motivated her more to hate me, alienate kids and make herself feel powerful by saying "good I was going to put the divorce anyway, the divorce is going all the waayyy" she exclaimed.

 

cost me $8K just to get summer 50/50 and now possible $10K to have it permanent if she doesn't relinquish and let it be 50/50. Judge smoked her than oredered a custody evaluation if she doesn't want to continue 50/50. She then wrote a letter stating she isn't paying and now another $2K to make a motion to enforce order. After she promised she would not make us waist anymore of kids money. So $10K plus 3-4 more K for this motion because she won't pay and she doesn't want to give in to 50/50.

 

I wish she would just come to her senses. No one can get to her except lawyer that just wants to keep going to court $$$

[Istherehope1]

Friday she is due date to pay $5,000 ordered by Judge to start a custody evaluation. This morning 7/13/11 she called my phone though kids have there own. I didn't pick up, I told kids to call mom to see if she meant to call her. Mom said good morning and said she needed to ask me a quesion. I said yes, she asked if we could meet to talk about our family before we make any drastic desicions that will effect our lives. She wanted to be done in person.

 

• I said sure is good to keep the communication lines open. I said I had a doctors appointment and would drop off kids so she could see them during appointment. But then while at appt. I got some counseling, wisdom. Don't play into her game. She only wants to talk now that her back is up against the wall, continue my course she only wants to talk now...why didn't she want to talk before she left, why did she spend her time talking to old BF from HS and now she wants to talk about family. I thought about all that. I picked up the kids and said I would call her back to set up place to talk but I'm not, well not today. She said, "but you said we would talk now, after the appointment...I said I have to get kids lunch and do some things, can't talk now I'll call you later and I could tell she was dissapointed. It didn't matter. Just a week ago I would be craving to talk with her especially face to face...now I'm playing the NC game.
  

My close friend said don't fall into her trap, you have upper hand and will get these kids in your home with you in time. Tell her to buz off and talk to my lawyer if she so wishes, just like she told you to do when she left. It's all about the money and she is not going to talk to you about getting back doing counseling etc etc. It's about the money.

 

Maybe I'm naive in thinking its a good sign. Please give advice anyone. I'm not calling her today but Tomorrow is D day and it's talk now or no talking for another 4-5 months untill the custody evaluation is done.

 

Please advize. :confused:

[Steadfast]

You are doing the right things by rejecting everything that does not help your marriage and family. When in doubt, do what's best for the children. Wrap your head around the fact that they love and will miss their mother...no matter how close you've become. Spending time with her won't change that.

 

I know of which I speak. Don't be the person that comes between them.

 

Limit your time and talk with her to help you face life as a single father; not as a ploy to get her back or scare her into staying with you. This might work for the short term, but it does not address the fundamental issues you have.

 

Be kind, respectful and fair. Being strong, confident and demanding happiness is sexy; not bitterness and manipulation. Don't do good. Be good. There's a huge difference-

[Owl]

At this point, any discussion between the two of you needs to be done via the lawyers.

[Istherehope1]

We spoke for about 3 hrs today and after lots of her crocodile tears and drama I was able to get a "I will think about it and tomorrow we'll talk more about becoming 50/50 co-parents"!!!

 

She feels like she's giving up the kids, I assured her ur not giving them up for adoption. I'm their father we will be co-parents for our children. A lot more humble pie and assurance that we could do this for our children and she may go with the idea. I will know tomorrow if not Friday by noon.

 

Thanks those who gave advice. I will update by Friday.

[robf1971]

The baseball reference. I refer it to the "Book Of Bad" I have known some women who could throw in your face the date, time, location (including a weather report) for every little bit of injustice real or imagined that they in their warped mind perceive that you have incurred upon them. They never forget.

 

Lol my wife blamed everything bar global warming on me

[robf1971]

At this point, any discussion between the two of you needs to be done via the lawyers.

 

This times a million

 

Your W rings you and asks a question about the kids or anything else for that matter. No need to be nasty your stock reply is I'll email you my lawyers contact number.

[Istherehope1]

She teared and tried to give me a guilt trip about me wanting shared 50/50 custody. She wasn't giving them up for adoption.

 

Anyway, glad I didn't give in to her tears, they were all fake. As soon as I would have given in to every other weekend crap, she was going to pettition to leave back to PR. With an every other weekend, she could have gotten a Judge to accept her. NOw the silly stupid 50/50 $10K evaluation is on.

And she also went back to being nasty, ignoring my questions regarding children etc.

 

Be ware guys, woman are coniving...