gozone77 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'm 31 and have been married for two years to a woman roughly 10 years older than myself for two years (together for six). We have no kids together, but she has a teenage son. The relationship has been rocky from the start. It's had its amazing moments for sure, but there's been one issue or another the whole time. We started seeing a counselor around the start of the year, but my wife stopped seeing him after a few weeks. She doesn't believe in therapy or depression or the like and didn't like how the sessions where going. I know she's got some issues with stuff I do. She's said she has no respect for me or my parents and thinks I'm an arrogant pr*ck and she considers it her job to knock arrogant people down a peg or two. She has a nasty temper, and over the years she has hit me a few times in heated arguments I should have walked away from. Mostly, however, she's just put me down, disrespected me, and questioned me at every turn. I'm to the point where I just don't want to be with her in public or for any fun activities (I do anyway because I'd be super bored being by myself [like the routine] and have little self-confidence). She's basically talked about divorce once or twice a week during arugments since the start of the marriage, even threatening to f*ck me over using her mother's money. I recently found her having a profile on ashleymadison.com. She said she's only talked with a few guys, but oddly enough, I didn't get mad or anything. I just sorta accepted it although I did threaten to move out given that a man in that situation would normally do that. She's been a lot nicer since, doing even more things for me, but I find myself detached and thinking of nothing other than moving out and starting over given the history of what she's done to me and not caring about my feelings when I try to share them with her. She can be really, really sweet when she lets herself, but my friends and family all say she's mean to me and that I'll leave when I've had enough of her abuse and disrespect. She's my first real relationship, however, so I don't know what's "right" and "wrong" to feel and do. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I didn't get mad or anything. I just sorta accepted it although I did threaten to move out given that a man in that situation would normally do that. No, he would not. A man in that situation would KICK HER THE HELL OUT. Sounds like you need a divorce dude. She clearly has no wish to remain married to you, has no respect for you and is treating you like garbage. Let me make a guess here and say that she is non-working or only part time, and you have a good job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gozone77 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Let me make a guess here and say that she is non-working or only part time, and you have a good job? I do have a pretty good job along with a graduate degree in engineering, but she works full-time herself along with taking responsibility for some big things at home like the cooking and laundry. Her job only makes about 1/3 of what mine does, but it's very important to her that she works so she's not dependent on a man (as she has been before). Link to post Share on other sites
Author gozone77 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Simple, file for a divorce and move on. I don't see much worth saving here. The problem is that by most definitions and to most people, she's the catch of the century. Everyone she meets loves her. She's social and giving and attractive (in many ways) and doesn't go crazy with the shopping. She just has a nasty temper, and I catch the brunt of it as well as a lack of respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 There is a reason she doesn't believe in therapy - she has some serious issues and knows it. If she were to go to therapy, she'd have a lot of demons to face and a lot of work ahead of her. Putting you down constantly, hitting you, etc are all abusive behaviors. This is NOT normal and probably makes you feel as if you're walking on eggshells all the time. You are young and without children - if your wife is unwilling to seek help and change - I suggest moving on. There is not much she can do to sc**w you over using her mother's money. What can she do? You don't have kids together and you haven't been married very long. Not likely you'd owe her anything more than 50% of your combined assets. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Her job only makes about 1/3 of what mine does She's only with you for your money, dude. Divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 The problem is that by most definitions and to most people, she's the catch of the century. Everyone she meets loves her. She's social and giving and attractive (in many ways) and doesn't go crazy with the shopping. She just has a nasty temper, and I catch the brunt of it as well as a lack of respect. Sounds like my ex husband. He is outgoing, good-looking, and fun. But in the home, he was nasty, demeaning, verbally and physically abusive, etc. Try looking up the definition of narcissist - this is a real personality disorder and it may sound familiar to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 She's certainly not the catch of the century given what you've described. Here's my question. What do you want to come out of all of this? What do you EXPECT WILL HAPPEN from all of this? Will she change if you push her to do so? Or will she stay the same (I'm guessing the latter, btw). Here's the thing. You can't change her. If she refuses to change, refuses to participate in things like counseling that will lead to change, that leaves you with two choices. 1. End the relationship. 2. Suck it up and accept that this is how it's going to stay. I'm not a fan of #2, although we've seen it done many times. You tell me, my friend...you know her. What's going to happen in your situation? Will she change? Will you just learn to accept it? Or will you decide enough is enough and move on? The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Okay, first NO ONE, no man or woman should be subject to physical abuse in a relationship. Second, no one goes on to Ashley Madison and creates an account just to "talk to some guys" That website was created for one thing and one thing only. If I were you I would talk t a lawyer and see what your options are. Just because you talked to one doesn't mean you have to do anything. But, it's nice to know where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gozone77 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I guess the biggest of many questions in my head is when is someone supposed to stay and fight for the relationship versus when is someone supposed to just move on? It's such a gray area.... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 cut your losses.. NOW. i agree with whoever said she just wants your $$. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I guess the biggest of many questions in my head is when is someone supposed to stay and fight for the relationship versus when is someone supposed to just move on? It's such a gray area.... You're the only person who can decide that for yourself. It's completely dependent upon each person. There is no "supposed to" in this stuff. But clearly what you've described is past the point of 'get the heck out' for most of us. Now you need to decide if you're at that point or not. Which is why I asked if you saw any evidence to lead you to believe that she'll actually change if you try to push her to do so. If she won't change...will you stay anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
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