Changing

[Cantcope]

Do you need to be alone to make changes? My ex and I spoke last night. He said that he gave me the one and only path that I can take for us to reconcile. We fought constantly about very petty things. I also have a lousy "fighting style". I tend to go for the throat and I get masty. I seem to have no filter and I say things that I don't mean to without thinking.

 

He seems to think that the changes I need to make need to happen alone, that they can't occur IN the relationship.

 

Here is where I would LOVE opinions. Is this true? How can I practice to be a fair fighter and a better communicator without practice? I definately recognize that these are MY faults and that I DO need to and WANT to change these things.

 

He says that after I'm "better", we can think about working on things. When I said that could take years and that I can't just wait around for him, he said "then you don't love me". Not true! But....a small part of me thinks that he's just not ready to settle back into a relationship and he wants to have me doing all of this work, and in a few months, when and IF he's ready to come back, he will have me waiting for him.

 

Opinions please???

[Trappedinyou]

Perhaps he just wants to see you helping yourself in some way. Maybe making a positive move forward.

You sound well intentioned so maybe you could speak to a GP and see where it leads.

Keep him informed of your progress etc.

Good luck.

[The_Good_Me]

I'm not sure what angle your ex is getting at as it could just be the typical stuff that dumpers say to "soften the blow". I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying that it's a possibility that you need to prepare your mind for.

 

To answer your question though, I think one way to show that you want to and are willing to change is to attend an anger management course. From what you have said, and correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like you lack self control when fighting which is why all the bad stuff comes out that you don't actually mean. A lot of people do it and a lot of people have different thresholds of when they lose control. Anger management can help control that anger so fighting becomes more of a discussion of differing opinions without all the name calling which I'm sure is what you and your ex would want.

 

It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem and seeking out and completing a course shows determination and more importantly in your current situation, commitment to your loved one.

 

The thing is though, if you decide this is something you'd like to persue, you have to do it for YOURSELF and not your ex. Your ex wants YOU to change for YOU, not for them or the relationship. This is made clear by him telling you, you need to do it alone. The sad truth is that he may not wait for you to change and when you have changed he may no longer be interested in reconciliation. This is something else you have to accept and put into the back of your mind. You have already admitted you have faults and you do want to change them. You should do them for you and your next relationship. When I say your next relationship, I'm not saying all hope is lost on your ex but you have to understand that the relationship you had is finished. If you got back together it would be a new relationship and hence he can still be your next relationship if you're both willing in the future.

 

Work on yourself in this way and go NC while doing it. You simply have to get your mind to moving on without him if you want any chance of becoming attractive (not talking physically here) to him in the future. You may find that after your course, you have achieved indifference towards him and you may have met someone new. You never know what can happen out there so the best thing to do is dust yourself off and work on you.

 

Good luck if you decide this is the right course for you