marqueemoon4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) so.. I hear from so many people its SO easy for them to dump someone and never look back. this gets framed as some type of "strength" or "confidence". IMHO its more just plain self centered behavior, and callousness. sure, if your ex was horrible to you, cheated on you, beat you, or called you names all the time well that should be easy to walk away from, but just cutting people and showing no remorse or empathy is just cowardly to me.. esp in a marriage and esp when there are kids involved. also exes giving no credit for everything you did for them is gutless too.. esp when all they did was take take take take. marriage vows are a joke. thoughts? Edited July 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Matters of the heart are too complex for us mere humans to comprehend. Since my break up my views on love are very different. I don't doubt that I will find another, but I also don't doubt that that too shall end. Kids, mortgages, family etc etc mean nothing if your heart isn't in it and it's unlikely that you will have a change of heart if your feelings have faded. Love sucks but we all strive for it. Link to post Share on other sites
frenchtelephones Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I've never been married or anything, so I can't really imagine what a divorce is like. If there are kids involved I'd say there is a moral obligation to try to get along (examples where the former spouse is a violent criminal or a hardcore drug addict might be possible exceptions.) If we're talking about more casual relationships than marriage I'm not really sure it can be viewed in terms of morality, though. I mean, in some cases it might be callous, in some cases it might be brave, but in most cases I think it's just a question of what the person in question can handle. It's nice if you can manage a friendship with your ex, but your heart might be so badly broken, or your ego so severely wounded, that you just can't make it work. It's hard to switch from romantic love to feelings of platonic compassion, and I'm guessing lots of people can't make that transition. And I mean, if you can't make your feelings appropriate for the new situation (i.e a situation where your romantic relationship has become some sort of friendship) it might be better to just walk away. I'm not like the people I attempted to describe above. I've always wanted to remain friends with the guys I've failed with romantically. Of course, this might be because I've more often be the one to reject the romantic relationship. However, I also suspect that I like to remain friends because I'm afraid of abandonment and, ultimately, afraid of death. The thought of never speaking to someone ever again puts me face to face with eternity and that scares me like nothing else. I mean honestly I don't know. Cutting someone out of your life because they wounded your ego doesn't seem particularly brave. But then again neither does wanting someone in your life out of fear of abandonment. I guess the best kind of breakups are the ones where the dust is allowed to settle, and then, after enough time has passed, the ex-lovers realize they are actually happy to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I don't understand how someone can walk away and not look back if kids are involved. Yeah they may not want to see you again and I can understand that, but wouldn't they want to see their kids? Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 so.. I hear from so many people its SO easy for them to dump someone and never look back. this gets framed as some type of "strength" or "confidence". IMHO its more just plain self centered behavior, and callousness. sure, if your ex was horrible to you, cheated on you, beat you, or called you names all the time well that should be easy to walk away from, but just cutting people and showing no remorse or empathy is just cowardly to me.. esp in a marriage and esp when there are kids involved. also exes giving no credit for everything you did for them is gutless too.. esp when all they did was take take take take. marriage vows are a joke. thoughts? This has confused me too, I just don't think there's any need for it, I have been made to feel like I've done something wrong which I did not. Ok, I don't expect to hear from the ex everyday because the relationship is over, but would a text or email asking how we are really do any harm? How can they stop caring just like that? If I was the 'Dumper' I'd be decent and sincere and ask how they are ect because knowing that I've hurt somebody that still loves me would cut me up inside. This has actually scared me, I feel like I didn't really know her, I thought she was so caring and selfless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 YES. Its almost like ok I only tolerate or care about you because we're in an "official" relationship. remove that label and really I don't care about you anymore. if I had ANY clue my ex wife subscribed to this point of view, I would've never spend 5 minutes with her much less 8 f-in years. SURPRISE!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I wish I could understand how they do it. My ex dumped me out of the blue and completely cut me off. It makes no sense to me this day. I could of cut my wrists, suicided or OD anything [my ex dumped me cruelly] and my ex wouldn't have a clue. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Or they're just sociopaths like Dexter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Or they're just sociopaths like Dexter? unfortunately you never really know someone.. no matter how long you're with them. keep in mind people "change".. i still don't understand how changing means you have to be callous and uncaring? when someone wants out of a r/l or marriage and they think the other person still isn't over them or wants them back, I guess they think the best course of action is to ignore them so they don't have any hope. i'm disgusted my ex thinks she is such hot sh*t and Im so pathetic that treating me as a human being as i DESERVE would be some indication she wants to get back with me. jeez, give me some credit. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Man thats so true. They also don't want to face up to what they did. God forbid if tehy think about anyone besides themselves! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Just as long as they can run away and not think about it/ blame it on you they don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Just as long as they can run away and not think about it/ blame it on you they don't care. truth. but you know what? not everyone is like your ex. believe me, I could probably spend the next 10yrs being bitter and in utter disbelief at how my exW is and how she handled things. but really, what point would that serve? she's out of the picture, its time for me to realize what I am, what she is, and what I want/need out of a r/l. no question finding a suitable mate is going to be difficult, and the alone time in between is really rough, but it will happen in time. i see you're really still messed up over this whole thing, I'm sorry. you have to start moving forward though. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 The problem is, you actually see this behavior exists now. As do I. You are now well prepared in the future if you see the same patterns emerging. I was naive before hand, planning on buying a ring for her and everything. All of us now walk away with knowledge that holy crap people like this exist in the real world. We can use our new knowledge and experience to prevent this from happening again. I can take a guess that most of our ex's are self centered and egocentric. We now know the patterns of these types of people's behavior. Guess what. When we run into these people in the future, say no to them and walk away. Trust me, there are people out there that are just the opposite and truly selfless. These are the people that we want in our lives. Now we have to go out there and find them Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 wilson.. i damn well knew people like this existed in the world.. what kills me is that she suckered me into believing she wasn't one of them, and i bought it! i'll have major trust issues going fwd. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 handing someone else that much power isn't something i'm willing to do - anymore. it's a matter of respecting myself. if i look at the evidence of why it didn't work - i focus on never having the need to go backwards - knowing that it didn't work for a reason. evidence never lies. why would i try to force something to work - when i have evidence it doesn't work? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 haha I didn't. I was naive. You can't have trust issues moving forward though. You have to stop right now and reflect on what type of person she is and who she was. You have to see all these character traits and once you actually see them, I mean really observe them, you can spot them in other people. You have to really become self aware with you though and this is the time to do so. You need to learn to trust your intuition. I'm pretty sure there were red flags. There were a lot in mine. One of the things I learned and have been able to do is that I can pull myself mentally outside of a situation I am in and watch myself interact in that situation. I make a decision on that situation and then move on. Example, ex and I were having a stupid argument about work. I did not like the argument, I thought it was stupid. I watched myself fighting with her about something stupid and pety. I decided this solves nothing and I stopped talking/arguing. Was she happy? No but I made a decision to stop the arguing and I stuck to it. Do not take your trust issues into future relationships. Part of growing is forgiving your ex for what they did and moving forward. You do not have to tell them that you forgive them but you actually do have to do it at some point at least to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Frenchtelephones some people really are that heartless. If you look up the word I wouldn't be surprised if there was a picture of my ex there. Link to post Share on other sites
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