"You're a great person, I want to be friends"

[sabienne]

Hello,

 

I was wondering how many of our ex's have used this line on us? And why do they use it?

 

My ex left me almost 4 months ago. It was one of those totally out of the blue, blindside break ups that I did not see coming - he bottles his emotions really well, and there were other factors too (no, not another girl. 100% absolutely sure about that)

 

After a somewhat NC period, we had to reinitiate contact because we are selling the apartment we owned together. After a few business like exchanges, he says to me "I really would like to have you in my life. We are two people who get along well as friends and I hope we can be mature enough to be friends. You're an amazing person who I care about".

 

...What? Why would you break up with an amazing person you care about?

Any thoughts on why dumpers say and/or do this?

[fiat500]

You know how when you bump into a stranger you say you're sorry and don't give the person much thought after that? It's an obligation to have manners or else you'd come off as a neanderthal and you'd possibly feel bad about it later on.

 

After breaking up with someone, the dumper usually goes into this mode. You may be an amazing person, but when a dumper says it they usually don't mean it. Like you said, you'd know if he meant it. He wouldn't be leaving you if he really believed that nor would he be asking to just be friends. It's a way to ease the guilt off himself.

 

If a dumper truly cared about you, which is rare but it happens, he/she wouldn't ask to be friends right after a breakup. Asking for a dumpee's friendship after pulling the relationship status mat out from under them is purely selfish and is a defense mechanism for dumpers. They want you around so they can get used to not wanting you quickly while also having emotional support while they go out and find new significant others.

Edited July 12, 2011 by fiat500

[radiodarcy]

if there's any line that gives me the dry heaves it's that one

 

it's just a nicety -- a way for them to relieve any residual guilty they might be feeling, like fiat said.

 

it's also incredibly condescending and meaningless. unless there are other reasons you need to keep in touch (like kids, joint ownership in a home or other investment, etc) then there's no reason for your ex to be in your life as a friend. the mature thing to do would be to wrap up whatever business the two of you have and carry on.

[bikinibeach]

people who don't want to commit to being with you also don't want to commit to being without you. The fear the big C in every form and they like to feel they always have options Ira backup plan.

[0hpenelope]

After a somewhat NC period, we had to reinitiate contact because we are selling the apartment we owned together. After a few business like exchanges, he says to me "I really would like to have you in my life. We are two people who get along well as friends and I hope we can be mature enough to be friends. You're an amazing person who I care about".

:lmao: Why is maintaining a friendship with an ex an indicator of maturity? What does that say about people who are able to be friends w/ one ex, but not another ex? Does that person become less mature than the person who's friends with all of his/her ex? I'm sure he can count people in his life who haven't maintained friendships with their exes, are they less mature because of that? Does this mean that you will be less mature if you can't be friends with him? What is going on with this reasoning?! :laugh:

 

Take it for what it is, sabienne: he wants to be just friends with you. But for this guy, in his perspective, it would be immature to not be friends with him. "We can be mature enough" = "I hope you, sabienne, can be mature enough to be friends with me." He already knows he wants you as a friend, what's this "we" stuff?

 

I hope you understand that the decision to be friends w/ anyone lies solely on you. Besides, if you're getting along well through business exchanges, you're the only one who can gauge how much control you're exerting over yourself whenever he gets in touch with you. He doesn't know what's going on with you, but he's feeling pretty good about himself with how well your pleasantries are going. So you presented yourself with class! That's great.

 

But this is all him. What about you?

 

Talk about wanting it for his convenience. I read your post with the assumption that you don't want to be friends with him yet; at least you know the option's available. Just my $0.02. Good luck to you!

 

PS - I got fed the "I want to be friends" line, too. Thanks, but no thanks. My ex wanted to be gone, I let him go - no bitterness, no anger, none of that ugly stuff. I just want him to leave me alone. I can find friends on my own and I've had friends before him.

[Duckduckgoose]

people who don't want to commit to being with you also don't want to commit to being without you.

 

 

THIS!!! And also this sentence for 10 characters.

[wilsonx]

I am personally not friends with any of my ex's the ones I let go and the ones that let go of me. I'm not their enemies either. Theres billions of other people on the planet. I know when I walk away from a relationship that being friends with an ex will mess them up mentally if they had a stronger attachment to me then I them so I tell them its not a good idea and move forward. I will say that I have NEVER ended a relationship with someone waiting for me on the other end. If its over in my eyes, its over. I raged about my ex a lot here because I have never been betrayed and hurt by anyone like her before. When she dropped the we should be friends line a few months from now when you healed on me, I told her she was out of her ****ing mind. She got mad and told me that she should have kept it to herself. I caught her cheating and she admitted it wasn't the first time. People have different mentalities but it depends on why the relationship ended. If you sucked as a significant other, then why would you want to be friends? Our biggest problem is she made a stupid mistake, I caught her, she realizes that she just toasted our long term best friend relationship and shes trying to do whatever it takes to not lose it.