brokendreamz Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I usually post on the coping side, but to all who find themselves at the start of this horrible roller coaster ride of heartbreak here's my story... 6 Months ago my Fiance turned to me out of the blue in tears saying 'I can't do this anymore' I instantly knew we were breaking up and right there and then, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. We had been together 8 years (engaged for two), had a house together and had discussed children and our future. When I look back on our time together I realise that I wasn't perfect. I bought baggage with me in to the relationship and although I didn't realise it at the time, without intervention (a therapist etc) any relationship I got into was doomed to failure. It is testament to her strength that we lasted as long as we did. She gave her all and towards the end, in return, I made our lives miserable. When we first got together I remember feeling like I'd known her all my life - she said the same to me. She was the first to utter those immortal words 'I love you' and later on when I asked her to marry me, we both cried. It should have been so perfect - she was perfect but the skeletons in my closet were about to come back to life with a vengeance! You see, something bad happened to me when I was a teenager and a lot of bullying ensued from so called friends, so much so that I found it really hard to trust anyone and this in turn led me to find it difficult to allow anyone in too close, including (I now realise) my Fiance. Any way, the evening she left I crumbled, I had been spiralling down into a very dark depression for about two years before that, yet it happened so slowly that we both thought it was just my personality - to be sooo negative and down about everything and everyone, including her and myself. Nothing was ever good enough and I imagined friends talking behind my back and eventually withdrew so far into myself I remember thinking I wanted it all to end. I don't think I would have committed suicide but I do remember thinking 'I wish something would happen to change all this'. Then it did… She left!! 3 weeks later and after constant rebuffs to my pleading, I realised that I needed help. I hadn't been to work much, and when I did go in I would suddenly burst into tears and have to leave! Nightmare. I was on the edge, I lost just over 2 stone in weight, couldn't sleep and just felt numb. I drank brandy and swallowed 2-3 diazepam a night, I'd call her during the day and cry and beg her to come and see me, which she did… Only to burst into tears herself and go again. The doctor prescribed citalopram - a form of anti depressant and it took me a good 3 weeks of staring at the packed before I plucked up the courage to take the first one. The doctor also suggested visiting a therapist to get to the bottom of any underlying issues. The first one I visited was a bit of an oddball and after 2 visits to him I realised he wasn't right for me. I then called another guy and we clicked right away. 3 months later my therapist suggested cutting our weekly sessions down to one a month and finally told me I should call him on an ad hoc basis as and when I needed to chat which I will do. After speaking to the therapist and reading up (I have a shelf of books on depression!) on depression, I realised that this cruel disease has been in and out of my life since those teenage years. If she hadn't left me I really believe that we'd have had children and been married and I would have never been diagnosed - that thought makes me shudder and I'm thankful that she did what she did (although I'll always be so sad that she never came back after we realised what was wrong). So to sum up, with the help of the pills (which I reckon took a good 2 months to kick in) therapy, running, kickboxing, an 8 week 'mindfulness' meditation course, a new wardrobe, a holiday and a house sale under my belt I feel like I have made good progress. I have no reason to get in touch with the ex - she has a new boyfriend (ouch!) and although I know I still love her, I also know that no good will come from any contact. I genuinely wish her well and hope she is happy. As for me. I would say that 6 months ago I was like 1/10. Rock bottom. Now I reckon I'm about 7.5/10, still a way to go, but it has been getting easier - there are still days where I don't want to get out of bed and mornings are simply the worst so I try to get up as soon as I wake up and get busy with something. I've been on a few dates (something I NEVER thought possible 6 months ago) and have just had an offer accepted on a flat. Do I still think of her? yes… too much! But the pain isn't as bad as it was and I find that I'm able to stop myself and think of something else. My life has changed beyond all recognition. if you'd have told me 6 months ago I'd be doing half of what I am now, I would have thought you were mad! I have to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' and although my heart still finds it hard to believe that she's not ever coming back at least my head is 99% there! It has taken a lot of hard work, and that work continues, but I hope my story brings some sense of hope to those who are still in the early days of a horrible break up - remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Keep no contact and focus on yourself - make yourself the best you can be so when the right one walks into your life you are ready to grab them with both hands!! Good luck every one and thank you Love Shackers everywhere - without you guys I doubt I'd have come half as far. Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Good for you I'm right where you were and I hope I can pull myself out of this black hole, though I can't see it happening :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Good on you mate. I can empathise with your story. You should be really proud. It's nice for those suffering right now, to see a person drag themselves off the floor. One step at a time..Congrats mate. keep it up.. Link to post Share on other sites
SugarLily Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Congratulations! This is a really encouraging story! Thanks for sharing x Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 *gives a hug* ... and a bunny I'm glad you're doing & feeling better. I can't wait to see myself in 6 months by now! Link to post Share on other sites
Rory12345 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 brokendreamz, our story is rather similar! You had it far far harder and a lot more complicated (which I admire your strength of character for) but I am where you are at and may I just say to everyone that like he said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. With time, persistent and self-determination you'll get through this and become a better person. Cheers, Rory Link to post Share on other sites
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